greengoddess Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 What was it like in your home before dday? Was your relationship going fine and you were shocked they would do this?
seren Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I cannot say about the day before D Day as I had just got back from Crete where I had been working for a few weeks. Prior to that H was on his third Iraq tour, but I can say that I knew he had PTSD for around 12 months, 4 months before the A started. While our marriage wasn't how it had been, we still laughed, were intimate, made plans, took holidays and when I asked what was wrong and that we needed to talk, he said nothing was wrong and that he loved me etc etc. He kept saying I would be better with someone else as he was no good (PTSD) but that he couldn't imagine life without us. So, D Day I was totally floored, absolutely gobsmacked. Had he told me he was an alien I would have believed it more, fact is he might have been so different was he from my lovely man. I was one of the It Will Never Happen to Me people, simply because he knew my background and the issues I had with trust and of course because he and I always said we would be honest if either of us wanted someone else. We were the couple others wished their marriage was like, we just fit together. I was also shocked at the nature of it and the person he had the A with, not disrespecting her, but, yes I was shocked. The more I know, the more I think of how I wouldn't have wanted him had he been like that with me, yes I know he had an A, but he acted so not like H that I think he must've been taken over by aliens!!! Thank God he has now landed back home.
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 It wasn't fine, but I was shocked. Mainly because we had an agreement that we discussed regularly about cheating. If either of us felt attraction to someone else we would come to each other and talk about it. I did that at least 2 times and I knew I wanted to be with Mr. Messy. I guess he was blowing smoke up my azz the entire time. So that shocked the hell out of me:eek:
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 What was it like in your home before dday? If you're talking about the past few weeks, in my case our home was not okay. I was onto her affair and was documenting as much of it as possible, while acting like everything was all well. Was your relationship going fine and you were shocked they would do this? Of course our relationship wasn't fine. She was cheating. In regards to being shocked, I was, but had to be calm so that I could get enough intel to show to her that she couldn't lie her way out of her cheating.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Chances are she probably would have killed me if I didn't catch her cheating and divorce. When she goes on her drug binges she becomes a very violent and unstable person and that was the way it was more often than not in those last few weeks.
Snowflower Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 No, things were most definitely not fine in our house in the weeks/months leading up to d-day. My H had begun to act increasingly odd in the 4-5 months preceding d-day (he confessed). Of course, much later I learned that this was the duration of his affair. One day he would want a separation/divorce and then the next day he would want to work it out. His unpredictability became more and more extreme. I actually thought he was becoming bi-polar at times. I remember about a month before he confessed, he told me point blank that he wanted a divorce over the phone while he was away at a meeting. I don't think he was with the OW but I'm sure he was talking to her non-stop since I wasn't there. He was very calm and matter of fact. I couldn't get out of bed for days after that conversation. Then, a few days later he (again) wanted to work things out and thought we should have another baby! Once he confessed, it was almost a relief to me because I could finally understand what was really going on. His guilt was destroying him.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 What was it like in your home before dday? Was your relationship going fine and you were shocked they would do this? He was always cheerful and nice, until the R. He then seemed to be judging, distant, indifferent. Came home late and made excuses about business meetings. I was shocked that the M was all of a sudden ending.. Told me it was he and not me .. etc etc. She wasn't the kind he would be attracted to. He told me they were just friends.. Secretary and relatives later told me different .
kaysun Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 For months she was cold and distant and I couldn't figure out why. I asked repeatedly what was wrong. I went to trusted friends we both had. I went to her parent's house on Easter morning to beg and plead with them as to what I was doing wrong. I thought it was me and I was hell bent on fixing me to make this marriage work. I finally told her on a Friday night that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I don't know what to do or what not to do and you're not telling me. This is killing me because I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting anything from you. I had some errands to run the next day and when I came home she started to cry. She said she wanted us and our family. It was like she flipped a switch inside of herself. We were actually, I thought, getting back to a good place in our marriage. This was for about a month. We were good for that month until she came home from a business trip and had to tell me about the affair because the OM tested positive for HIV. I was shocked and scared like I've never been scared before. I couldn't believe she could do this. I couldn't believe she could have unprotected sex with him for 14 months, especially the first time when she barely knew him. We had a 2 and 3 year old when the affair started. To put the rest of us in harms way like that, well, I'm still shocked.
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 For months she was cold and distant and I couldn't figure out why. I asked repeatedly what was wrong. I went to trusted friends we both had. I went to her parent's house on Easter morning to beg and plead with them as to what I was doing wrong. I thought it was me and I was hell bent on fixing me to make this marriage work. I finally told her on a Friday night that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I don't know what to do or what not to do and you're not telling me. This is killing me because I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting anything from you. I had some errands to run the next day and when I came home she started to cry. She said she wanted us and our family. It was like she flipped a switch inside of herself. We were actually, I thought, getting back to a good place in our marriage. This was for about a month. We were good for that month until she came home from a business trip and had to tell me about the affair because the OM tested positive for HIV. I was shocked and scared like I've never been scared before. I couldn't believe she could do this. I couldn't believe she could have unprotected sex with him for 14 months, especially the first time when she barely knew him. We had a 2 and 3 year old when the affair started. To put the rest of us in harms way like that, well, I'm still shocked. So sorry for what you're going through. You will survive dude. Just remember that.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Dday 1: Total ridiculous unreal shock. I was 8 months pregnant and thought I was finally getting that wonderful little family that I always dreamed of. A couple of weeks before that I thought it would be so tragic if something happened to my h because his little girl would probably never believe that he was as wonderful to me as I claimed he was. Home was great, I used to cook large and gourmet meals every night to show him how much I loved him. We would cuddle into bed every night. Kissing and hugging happened many times a day. He told me I was pretty and how much he loved me often. I was so happy to be having his child because they told me I couldn't have a child. Life was great! Then, he got arrested..... Dday 2: relationship had been somewhat rockier. I supported him up to the court date (right around my due date). Charges were withdrawn and we thought that the worst had passed. There was done resent still but it seemed like we were healing. Sex life hadn't gotten on track but I had also just delivered the month before and had a painful uterine infection. We both lived our new daughter immensely and were both dedicated to healing our family to make a great life for her. He was supportive of me but we had arguments. We hoped moving across the country for a better opportunity would help. He assured me that the issues he had were long over. Then I checked the computer that just made it's return from evidence....sobbed my heart out as I said "I am nothing to you, you called this other girl your dreamingirl." he disappeared, we later made up and completed the move. Dday 3: things were incredibly rocky as he became increasingly hostile and I became increasingly depressed, especially realizing that I was married to a sexual addict. He told me he was trying his recovery for 7 months and he just wasn't and a big part of me knew that. We went through 3 months of chastity on the recommendation of our therapist who specializes in treating sexual addiction ( or rather I went through 3 months of chastity). He went on a week long bender near the end of it and drove impaired. He left me with very little resources and to take care if our daughter by myself. She ended up with pneumonia and he accused me of using that to manipulate him. He wanted to come home and I let him. I caught him and he said he finally realized the affect this was having on his life and put in a more serious recovery effort. Then we re-started the chastity period. Dday 4: my birthday. We have a huge argument on my birthday because he wouldn't sleep with me. He dumps me. I get loaded and he screws me. Everything has been messed up for months and I find out he hasn't done his recovery again. Blah I am too worn out from it all. He says seeing ne like that made him realize he is going to lose everything if he doesn't stop. Back to therapy, which we couldn't afford but did a couple if sessions. I decide to give up on the relationship and focus on our growing business. Dday: 5. After being told repeatedly and not seeing any visible slip-ups I have thrown myself into my work. I don't even ask for sex when the chastity period ends. After the business fails I focus more on my own recovery. We sign agreements about what we each will do in our own recoveries, I do my part. Guess what? He doesn't do his. I give it some time. He threatens to separate, I freak. He breaks one of my major boundaries six weeks later and I kick him out. I go to talk to him and it turns out we are in Dday 5! Five times in two years. I kick him right out and he loses everything. Sleeps outside in minus 39 for a week! Is now actually doing a recovery effort! I am ambivalent and worn out. Stay, go, recover blah..... His word is crap and he did furnish me with some honesty and some major steps. At this point he has a lot of work ahead of him, and I have a lot of rest. I will not go through this again. I feel like an idiot for ever believing him. His actions are all he has left (and a polygraph!) to convince me. He has upgraded from sleeping outside to sleeping in a rental car. I don't know if everything is too late, I will have to see on the other side if all of this ambivalence. I just know I w
silktricks Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 What was it like in your home before dday? Was your relationship going fine and you were shocked they would do this? Our relationship was definitely not going fine, but I was completely and utterly shocked, as it was behavior completely foreign to his personality. With distance and time we've both come to understand more completely why it happened.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Thought things were fine but my partner is (and often time remains) hard to communicate with.
thatdog Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Terrible. For us things went downhill rapidly once the A started. Within a month I was suspecting, a week after I asked point blank and she denied it and blamed our issues on me, saying i needed to try harder in the relationship. So i did. A month later I caught her with him but they were only talking and it was in Japanese so I couldn't understand. I asked again about it and asked about him specifically. Denied again. 2 weeks later dday happened just AFTER things had started to calm down and seemed to be getting better. So no. the day before dday I suspected nothing. But the 2-3 months before were a nightmare and I think there's a chance it just got better because she realised she might get caught and ended it.
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Oh gosh, this is a rough one. The day before dday was the fourth of July. He and I had a great night of love... then sitting on the bed with the window open watching the fireworks in our neighborhood... it was beautiful. Later that night/early the next morning is when I discovered the texts... and I freaked out. The next day he told me everything. How he was in love with her and me.. how he had been unhappy for over a year (yet, he and I still went through with getting married a few months prior). I was devastated. I thought, despite the lay offs were were fine. Boy was I mistaken!
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