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How to cope with seeing girls all the time when you can't get one.

Ross PK

By Ross PK
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

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Well, I've made a lot of progress from how I used to be, I go out nearly everyday, and I'm getting close to doing voluntary work or getting an actual job.

 

But the thing is, is because I'm 35 and I've never been able to get a girl, being out often and always seeing loads of attractive girls/women, really get's me down.

 

I know this will get even worse when I start doing voluntary work or get a job which involves working with animals.

 

So I'm hoping that some of you could give me advice on how to cope with it.

 

I already have many hobbies that I induldge in everyday. But it's still hard to get my mind off this.

Edited by Ross PK
Datura Established Member

Datura

Posted
Posted

So you are surrounded by attractive women, yet you don't pursue them or at least attempt to garner responses from them?

 

You sure you want advice on how to cope with them passing you by, or would you rather have the chance of obtaining a woman?

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
Posted

Yeah I go through that some times.

 

On really bad days I actually feel anger towards very attractive girls because I know they will never give me a shot. And I'm talking about having thoughts that actually scared me.

 

I really wish I could provide some advice.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

What is it about you that makes you think you can't get a girl?

Datura Established Member

Datura

Posted
Posted

Nevermind, just read your signature: I know this is the way things will be for the rest of my life.

 

So you have succumbed to defeat.

First, observe the emotions that come up when you are amongst women. How do you feel physically and emotionally? Is your pulse quick, are your palms sweaty? Are you angry?

Then ask yourself if these feelings will result in you gaining mental clarity.

Try to observe rather than create thoughts and emotions when you see women. Just think of them as people in your environment, nothing more. This will take time. Don't be critical of yourself by saying, "Oh no, I'm not observing, I'm draping all these emotions onto them..." Just turn your mind to something else, or simply go back to observing without criticism.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So you are surrounded by attractive women, yet you don't pursue them or at least attempt to garner responses from them?

 

You sure you want advice on how to cope with them passing you by, or would you rather have the chance of obtaining a woman?

 

I just want to be able to cope with it.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
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Posted
What is it about you that makes you think you can't get a girl?

 

None have ever shown interest in me. And a lot of girls have even said I'm ugly.

confusio Member

confusio

Posted
Posted

I know this will get even worse when I start doing voluntary work or get a job which involves working with animals.

 

What make you believe it's going to be worst?

 

A great thing about voluntary work is that its show people a side of you they would not see otherwise. Its a great way to meet people and make friends.

 

Don't think you can't have a shot with attractive women, you would be surprised how they might give you a chance, especially after seeing a soft side of you that care about animals.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

If it is truly truly about your looks, and I doubt it is, why nOt save up and get some cosmetic work done?

tryingtocurerj Member

tryingtocurerj

Posted
Posted

you sound lonely, and pent up. That also sounds like you have a soooooo much potential to give so much love.

 

Work on communication. Looks have NOTHING to do with women in the long run. It can help get a relationship, but looks won't do much to sustain one.

 

Learn how to make women laugh, find your quirk that makes you special, everyone has one.

 

Good luck man, I know you can do it =]

tryingtocurerj Member

tryingtocurerj

Posted
Posted

I guess what I should have said before that post is...

 

You're like a person who hasn't learned how to swim and wants to cope with it by staying away from the water.

 

I'd suggest taking babysteps into learning how to swim. Dip your toes in.

 

There's a TON of material online about communicating with women.

 

I don't know your situation, but I know with mine growing up I was horrible around girls getting nervous and not understanding what to do. I've even been called ugly before and thought I'd never successfully date a girl. I feel like I've dug through the trenches and learned how to communicate effectively to where I can be attractive to women. I'm in a relationship with an attractive girl now. I know how it is. You just gotta put your head down and get better.

 

Your situation is a mountain to climb & conquer, not to simply walk around

 

You can do it!!

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
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Posted
If it is truly truly about your looks, and I doubt it is, why nOt save up and get some cosmetic work done?

 

Here's how I look,

 

Ugly pic, http://www.flickr.com/photos/40564563@N05/5404989126/sizes/l/in/photostream/

 

Good pic, http://www.flickr.com/photos/40564563@N05/5408119066/sizes/l/in/photostream/

 

So I'm not sure whether I'm good looking or not. But the thing is is that ugly people still have relationships anyway. So I'm thinking it must be somethign else about me on a biological level that stops women being attracted to me.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
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Posted
What make you believe it's going to be worst?

 

A great thing about voluntary work is that its show people a side of you they would not see otherwise. Its a great way to meet people and make friends.

 

Don't think you can't have a shot with attractive women, you would be surprised how they might give you a chance, especially after seeing a soft side of you that care about animals.

 

The reason why it'll be worse is because I would actually be going out every day, instead of nearly everyday. And at jobs that involve animals, there's usually always lots of girls working at these places, so I'd be around them everyday.

 

And the thing about women seeing your soft side... well, showing your soft side is just classic nice guy stuff, which turns women off.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted
you sound lonely, and pent up. That also sounds like you have a soooooo much potential to give so much love.

 

Work on communication. Looks have NOTHING to do with women in the long run. It can help get a relationship, but looks won't do much to sustain one.

 

Learn how to make women laugh, find your quirk that makes you special, everyone has one.

 

Good luck man, I know you can do it =]

 

The thing is for some reason I've hardly ever been able to make a connection with women, that's why I've hardly had any female friends. I don't know why because I've always been able to connect with guys easily and I've always had plenty of friends that were guys.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I guess what I should have said before that post is...

 

You're like a person who hasn't learned how to swim and wants to cope with it by staying away from the water.

 

I'd suggest taking babysteps into learning how to swim. Dip your toes in.

 

There's a TON of material online about communicating with women.

 

I don't know your situation, but I know with mine growing up I was horrible around girls getting nervous and not understanding what to do. I've even been called ugly before and thought I'd never successfully date a girl. I feel like I've dug through the trenches and learned how to communicate effectively to where I can be attractive to women. I'm in a relationship with an attractive girl now. I know how it is. You just gotta put your head down and get better.

 

Your situation is a mountain to climb & conquer, not to simply walk around

 

You can do it!!

 

There's other things I need to deal with first, so I wouldn't want that on my plate as well. This is why I'd rather just learn to cope with not having anyone, and women never wanting me. Then maybe when I've dealt with the other stuff and I'm ready I could try to make an attempt at trying to get a woman. I seriously can't see it ever working out though.

Good Arms Established Member

Good Arms

Posted
Posted (edited)

For a start, get rid of that signature. NOW. I have social anxieties, and poor self esteem, but I know for a fact that if you say "I know this is the way things will be for the rest of my life" then it WILL probably come true. As Datura said, you've admitted defeat. Your subsequent posts suggest that. Don't think that way!

 

DON'T just accept things the way your low self esteem sees them panning out, always hold onto some hope - a real hope - that things can change if you change your outlook. How do I know that? Because I myself was a virgin at 31. I'd been thinking it was too late for me to start all the way through my 20s. I found it hard to believe anyone would find me attractive. Then out of the blue someone at work asked me out. Now I'm not a virgin. Now I'm not terrified of intimacy (still nervous, still a lot to learn), and despite a break-up knocking me back I know in the long term I've gained confidence through this. It's all in the mind, everything.

 

All that came to me when I was taking ZERO action to rectify things myself. I wonder if I actually had the ability to put myself out there like those other confident guys I might have conquered this years ago? It just goes to show, you can find your first love at any age. Voluntary work or a job could lead you to meet many new people. Some girls will find it really attractive that you care for animals :) Just try and be yourself, be friendly and see what happens.

 

Get used to speaking to women first I guess, without the pressure of trying to impress, make a move etc... animals should make for a great talking point that takes the focus off you. Enjoy the company of the women, don't get hooked up on trying to judge whether any are attracted to you. Don't believe all that nice guys come last stuff, not every woman is after a macho alpha male, many would very much appreciate you having a soft and sensitive side. The only kind of women I would want to end up with, to be honest. There's a big difference between being someone with a sensitive, kindly side to the stereotypical "nice guy" - a.k.a. doormat (a mistake I think I made in my first relationship, though I think we just weren't right for each other at the end of the day).

 

Edit: And, oh, BTW, your photos aren't working... look like permissions are set to private.

Edited by Good Arms
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
There's other things I need to deal with first, so I wouldn't want that on my plate as well. This is why I'd rather just learn to cope with not having anyone, and women never wanting me. Then maybe when I've dealt with the other stuff and I'm ready I could try to make an attempt at trying to get a woman. I seriously can't see it ever working out though.

 

Perhaps consulting a dating expert or an independent counselor to assess what the repellant behaviour/issue might be.

 

Believing that the 'softer' side of things does not attract women is very flawed thinking. A variety of different things attract a variety of different people, one thing that I have noticed is that women are very varietal. What attracts one will odds are not attract another.

 

We're weird that way.

  • Author
Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted
For a start, get rid of that signature. NOW. I have social anxieties, and poor self esteem, but I know for a fact that if you say "I know this is the way things will be for the rest of my life" then it WILL probably come true. As Datura said, you've admitted defeat. Your subsequent posts suggest that. Don't think that way!

 

DON'T just accept things the way your low self esteem sees them panning out, always hold onto some hope - a real hope - that things can change if you change your outlook. How do I know that? Because I myself was a virgin at 31. I'd been thinking it was too late for me to start all the way through my 20s. I found it hard to believe anyone would find me attractive. Then out of the blue someone at work asked me out. Now I'm not a virgin. Now I'm not terrified of intimacy (still nervous, still a lot to learn), and despite a break-up knocking me back I know in the long term I've gained confidence through this. It's all in the mind, everything.

 

All that came to me when I was taking ZERO action to rectify things myself. I wonder if I actually had the ability to put myself out there like those other confident guys I might have conquered this years ago? It just goes to show, you can find your first love at any age. Voluntary work or a job could lead you to meet many new people. Some girls will find it really attractive that you care for animals :) Just try and be yourself, be friendly and see what happens.

 

Get used to speaking to women first I guess, without the pressure of trying to impress, make a move etc... animals should make for a great talking point that takes the focus off you. Enjoy the company of the women, don't get hooked up on trying to judge whether any are attracted to you. Don't believe all that nice guys come last stuff, not every woman is after a macho alpha male, many would very much appreciate you having a soft and sensitive side. The only kind of women I would want to end up with, to be honest. There's a big difference between being someone with a sensitive, kindly side to the stereotypical "nice guy" - a.k.a. doormat (a mistake I think I made in my first relationship, though I think we just weren't right for each other at the end of the day).

 

Edit: And, oh, BTW, your photos aren't working... look like permissions are set to private.

 

Having hope makes me feel worse. And if I have hope I'm a lot more likely to try and judge whether a girl finds me attractive or not instead of not caring and just being myself. I'd also be a lot more likely to come off as desperate too.

LeaningIntoTheMuse Established Member

LeaningIntoTheMuse

Posted
Posted

For the record, you're better looking in the "ugly" pic.

 

And you're not unattractive in either pic. I'd say you're average looking, but Thom Yorke looks worse, and he married a hottie!

 

(Yeah yeah, I know, he's a rock star! But I see plenty of fugly looking guys with hot looking women, all the time, so I know it's not just him...)

 

I'd say it's your attitude. Mine too. I've been compared to John Lennon, and he managed to score some pretty attractive women in his day, so...

 

And I agree, remove the signature. Even if you believe that, NEVER say it. Because people will be like, "what's the point in even trying to change his perspective? He's given up..."

confusio Member

confusio

Posted
Posted
And the thing about women seeing your soft side... well, showing your soft side is just classic nice guy stuff, which turns women off.

 

I think it's a misconception, it's true that its do turn off certain women, but I don't think its the majority of girls.

 

What turn off women are guy that has low self-esteem and lack of confidence. You need to be proud of who you are and focus on your strengths.

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted
For the record, you're better looking in the "ugly" pic.

 

And you're not unattractive in either pic. I'd say you're average looking, but Thom Yorke looks worse, and he married a hottie!

 

(Yeah yeah, I know, he's a rock star! But I see plenty of fugly looking guys with hot looking women, all the time, so I know it's not just him...)

 

I'd say it's your attitude. Mine too. I've been compared to John Lennon, and he managed to score some pretty attractive women in his day, so...

 

And I agree, remove the signature. Even if you believe that, NEVER say it. Because people will be like, "what's the point in even trying to change his perspective? He's given up..."

 

I have pretty much given up and I don't want people to try and change my perspective. I just want to learn how to cope with seeing women all the time.

LeaningIntoTheMuse Established Member

LeaningIntoTheMuse

Posted
Posted
I have pretty much given up and I don't want people to try and change my perspective. I just want to learn how to cope with seeing women all the time.

 

As long as you have a sex drive, you'll never be fine with seeing women and never having them.

 

What you need is a woman. And to do that, you need to change your perspective.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

Your photos don 't show any reason to be womanless.

 

So by not having hope, you feel better, and by having hope (and thus a chance!) you feel worse.

 

God I know some girls that would jump you just because you are a virgin. You know what? Mention that around some girls, just casually and talk about how you are waiting for the right one. It is a niche market, but they will fall from the sky.

 

Not kidding!

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Ross PK Established Member

Ross PK

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Can we get back on topic? I just want to learn how to cope with it.

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