Revenge fantasies...

[seeker2010]

The short story: I have been with my husband for a long time before we married. At three years of marriage, he made an offer of no-strings sex on a vacation trip to a woman he had had an affair with before we were married (she was the married one then). She refused him.

 

After that, he made himself available to a lot of women, and hooked up with a bimbo with whom he had an emotional affair. This involving hours and hours on the phone and web came (he was unemployed at the time). They had a full blown all-nude cyber-affair. Trust me, this is just as devasting as any other kind of affair. The only thing that kept them from sex is distance.

 

He got careless, so I caught them. The usual kind of thing ensued, but we decided that we would stay together and rebuild. This was six months ago. Some days are okay, other days are not so good. He does seem to be really remorseful and it is true that our relationship was in a really bad spot at that time, and we are trying hard (both of us) to change how we relate to one another and our life situation.

 

But my fantasies about her are killing me. I don't know what she looks like and I keep trying to guess. I have extrapolated from her to hating everyone in her whole religious group and her whole ethnicity. (This is, I know, ridiculous, but it's there.) I have thought up elaborate revenge scenarios, and enjoyed every minute of her suffering. While I haven't done anything about it, it kills me that she got away with ruining my life, disrespecting me, and fooling around with a married man, and I'm left holding the bag.

 

I suspect a lot of this is anger that should be directed at him. Even as I type this, I am enraged. While I was working two jobs, trying to make ends meet, he spent hours and hours playing hot chat online. He could have been looking for work, or doing things around the house, or even teaching himself a new skill, but no... *this* was the best he could come up with! GRRRRRR....

 

So here we are at six months. Some things are better, but these fantasies about her and about him and about what they did together are not helping me recover. Yet, I can't make them stop. I'd appreciate any thoughts from people who have been through this process. They say it takes at least two years, but I can't find anything that tells what the cycles are... I feel so petty and low-down, but I *do* want bad things to happen to her. Ideally, I'd like to do it, but at least to know about it, so I can gloat. Yes, I am ashamed of that, but it's true.

[bloppy]

It has been a year & 1/2 since I found out about my H's affair and I still wish bad things on the OW. She totaled her car & I laughed, a family member died & I thought good I hope she is suffering. I heard she had pneumonia & I thought I hope she drowns in her own mucus. Having these kind of feelings is upsetting to me because I have never been a hatefull person but just thinking of her makes my blood boil.

[WorldIsYours]

The short story: I have been with my husband for a long time before we married. At three years of marriage, he made an offer of no-strings sex on a vacation trip to a woman he had had an affair with before we were married (she was the married one then). She refused him.

 

After that, he made himself available to a lot of women, and hooked up with a bimbo with whom he had an emotional affair. This involving hours and hours on the phone and web came (he was unemployed at the time). They had a full blown all-nude cyber-affair. Trust me, this is just as devasting as any other kind of affair. The only thing that kept them from sex is distance.

 

He got careless, so I caught them. The usual kind of thing ensued, but we decided that we would stay together and rebuild. This was six months ago. Some days are okay, other days are not so good. He does seem to be really remorseful and it is true that our relationship was in a really bad spot at that time, and we are trying hard (both of us) to change how we relate to one another and our life situation.

 

But my fantasies about her are killing me. I don't know what she looks like and I keep trying to guess. I have extrapolated from her to hating everyone in her whole religious group and her whole ethnicity. (This is, I know, ridiculous, but it's there.) I have thought up elaborate revenge scenarios, and enjoyed every minute of her suffering. While I haven't done anything about it, it kills me that she got away with ruining my life, disrespecting me, and fooling around with a married man, and I'm left holding the bag.

 

I suspect a lot of this is anger that should be directed at him. Even as I type this, I am enraged. While I was working two jobs, trying to make ends meet, he spent hours and hours playing hot chat online. He could have been looking for work, or doing things around the house, or even teaching himself a new skill, but no... *this* was the best he could come up with! GRRRRRR....

 

So here we are at six months. Some things are better, but these fantasies about her and about him and about what they did together are not helping me recover. Yet, I can't make them stop. I'd appreciate any thoughts from people who have been through this process. They say it takes at least two years, but I can't find anything that tells what the cycles are... I feel so petty and low-down, but I *do* want bad things to happen to her. Ideally, I'd like to do it, but at least to know about it, so I can gloat. Yes, I am ashamed of that, but it's true.

 

He's a loser and he's disrespected you, put your life at risk, and degraded your marriage on more than one occasion. Divorce him.

[GorillaTheater]

Is the OW married? If so, does her H know? You might want to fill him in, not out of revenge, but because he has the right to know. But still ...

[Spark1111]

have you asked him to tell you everything? Everything you need to know?

 

Where are the web cam tapes? have you investigated all the computer files?

 

Ask him to produce a picture of her! It still may be somewhere on your hard drive.

 

Does her H know?

 

You have the right to know absolutely everything you need to to heal.

 

Contact her if it makes you feel better. I did, and I told him I was going to.

 

He should be helping you with whatever you need to know to heal!

 

It is what you do not know that makes you crazy.

[seeker2010]

have you asked him to tell you everything? Everything you need to know?

Yes, I have, and no matter what he tells me, I am never satisfied. It's eating me alive.

 

Where are the web cam tapes? have you investigated all the computer files?

My husband is *very* savvy and never allowed a history from anything to be kept. He routinely 'military wipes' his hard drive and all of his histories, etc. It was not easy to catch him out.

 

Ask him to produce a picture of her! It still may be somewhere on your hard drive.

He swears that he never kept anything and when he broke off with her (which he did within a few days of my finding out) he got rid of anything else he had.

 

I have seen her face on a social networking site. It isn't her face that interests me.

 

Does her H know?

She's not married. I would have contacted him right away if she had been. I considered contacting all her friends and her boss, but restrained myself. I consider myself awesome for that bout of self control.

 

Contact her if it makes you feel better. I did, and I told him I was going to.

I did contact her at the beginning, and gave her a piece of my mind, but I was too nice by far. She had the nerve to say she "never intended to cause any harm". Well, helllooooo?! In what universe do you strip off and do things to yourself on web cam with someone else's husband and no harm comes of it? FFS! (another GRRRRRRRRRRRR moment...)

 

I am reluctant to get in touch with her again. Frankly, I don't want to contact her because I don't want her to know exactly how much power she has had over my life. I'd happily strangle her. I have told my husband that if he *ever* hears from her, I want to know about it immediately. If he contacts her or lies to me and/or hides any contact, that's it for him.

 

As well, I have laid down the law about what kind of contact he is allowed with any other women via email. He is not allowed web cam and I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with that again. He has to keep the same email passwords, and keep all histories in everything he uses turned on all the time. He has to make his computer available to me to review whenever I want. I have not exercised any of these options, because I'm trying to trust him, but I am nowhere near that yet and I wonder if I ever will be.

 

He should be helping you with whatever you need to know to heal! It is what you do not know that makes you crazy.

He keeps saying that he "doesn't remember". I don't believe this one bit. I think he's embarrassed and ashamed and especially that he doesn't want me to know the extent of the bull***t they told one another. You don't spend five hours in a row online and have nothing to say. I know she told him a bunch of lies--starting with the fact that she's five years older than she let on--and I am sure he talked to her about me, but he denies this.

 

BTW, I *hate, hate, hate* what the two of them have turned me into.

[bloppy]

BTW, I *hate, hate, hate* what the two of them have turned me into.

 

 

 

I feel the same way!

[ReturnToSender]

It has been a year & 1/2 since I found out about my H's affair and I still wish bad things on the OW. She totaled her car & I laughed, a family member died & I thought good I hope she is suffering. I heard she had pneumonia & I thought I hope she drowns in her own mucus. Having these kind of feelings is upsetting to me because I have never been a hatefull person but just thinking of her makes my blood boil.

 

I am going to have to remember that....I actually laughed out loud

[seeker2010]

It has been a year & 1/2 since I found out about my H's affair and I still wish bad things on the OW. She totaled her car & I laughed, a family member died & I thought good I hope she is suffering. I heard she had pneumonia & I thought I hope she drowns in her own mucus. Having these kind of feelings is upsetting to me because I have never been a hatefull person but just thinking of her makes my blood boil.

Yes, I would like to have a spy nearby to her so I can enjoy everything bad that happens to her. Or help it happen, if it isn't happening yet. And I also feel ashamed of this, I didn't think I was a mean and bitter person, but against her, I am.

[WorldIsYours]

Yes, I have, and no matter what he tells me, I am never satisfied. It's eating me alive.

 

My husband is *very* savvy and never allowed a history from anything to be kept. He routinely 'military wipes' his hard drive and all of his histories, etc. It was not easy to catch him out.

 

He swears that he never kept anything and when he broke off with her (which he did within a few days of my finding out) he got rid of anything else he had.

 

I have seen her face on a social networking site. It isn't her face that interests me.

 

She's not married. I would have contacted him right away if she had been. I considered contacting all her friends and her boss, but restrained myself. I consider myself awesome for that bout of self control.

 

I did contact her at the beginning, and gave her a piece of my mind, but I was too nice by far. She had the nerve to say she "never intended to cause any harm". Well, helllooooo?! In what universe do you strip off and do things to yourself on web cam with someone else's husband and no harm comes of it? FFS! (another GRRRRRRRRRRRR moment...)

 

I am reluctant to get in touch with her again. Frankly, I don't want to contact her because I don't want her to know exactly how much power she has had over my life. I'd happily strangle her. I have told my husband that if he *ever* hears from her, I want to know about it immediately. If he contacts her or lies to me and/or hides any contact, that's it for him.

 

As well, I have laid down the law about what kind of contact he is allowed with any other women via email. He is not allowed web cam and I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with that again. He has to keep the same email passwords, and keep all histories in everything he uses turned on all the time. He has to make his computer available to me to review whenever I want. I have not exercised any of these options, because I'm trying to trust him, but I am nowhere near that yet and I wonder if I ever will be.

 

He keeps saying that he "doesn't remember". I don't believe this one bit. I think he's embarrassed and ashamed and especially that he doesn't want me to know the extent of the bull***t they told one another. You don't spend five hours in a row online and have nothing to say. I know she told him a bunch of lies--starting with the fact that she's five years older than she let on--and I am sure he talked to her about me, but he denies this.

 

BTW, I *hate, hate, hate* what the two of them have turned me into.

 

I feel your pain, ma'am. I agree that talking to the OW some more will not help you in any way. Nothing she says is going to make you feel better, and she doesn't care about you or your feelings and your marriage.

 

You're dealing with an unremorseful, lying spouse. He remembers everything he's done, but doesn't want to tell you to cover his own behind.

[bloppy]

Yes, I would like to have a spy nearby to her so I can enjoy everything bad that happens to her. Or help it happen, if it isn't happening yet. And I also feel ashamed of this, I didn't think I was a mean and bitter person, but against her, I am.

 

 

Unfortunaly the spy is my H. They still work for the same company.

[seeker2010]

I feel your pain, ma'am. I agree that talking to the OW some more will not help you in any way. Nothing she says is going to make you feel better, and she doesn't care about you or your feelings and your marriage.

 

You're dealing with an unremorseful, lying spouse. He remembers everything he's done, but doesn't want to tell you to cover his own behind.

Yes, I know. This makes it very, very hard to believe that our marriage can recover. But I said I would stick it out for the two years that all the sources quoted for any kind of recovery to take place, and that I'd do my best, and I am trying. The stuff I noted above is really getting in my way, though. And while I think he is also trying hard right now, I don't know how long that will last--I'm guessing he will ultimately *have* to recontact her, because he won't be able to tolerate just not knowing. Anyway, over the two years, I intend to make sure I'm in a very strong position, should I decide to walk away.

[seeker2010]

Unfortunaly the spy is my H. They still work for the same company.

Seriously?! One the one hand, I couldn't stand this, but on the other, at least you have her in your sights.

[carrie999]

The short story: I have been with my husband for a long time before we married. At three years of marriage, he made an offer of no-strings sex on a vacation trip to a woman he had had an affair with before we were married (she was the married one then). She refused him.

 

After that, he made himself available to a lot of women, and hooked up with a bimbo with whom he had an emotional affair. This involving hours and hours on the phone and web came (he was unemployed at the time). They had a full blown all-nude cyber-affair. Trust me, this is just as devasting as any other kind of affair. The only thing that kept them from sex is distance.

 

He got careless, so I caught them. The usual kind of thing ensued, but we decided that we would stay together and rebuild. This was six months ago. Some days are okay, other days are not so good. He does seem to be really remorseful and it is true that our relationship was in a really bad spot at that time, and we are trying hard (both of us) to change how we relate to one another and our life situation.

 

But my fantasies about her are killing me. I don't know what she looks like and I keep trying to guess. I have extrapolated from her to hating everyone in her whole religious group and her whole ethnicity. (This is, I know, ridiculous, but it's there.) I have thought up elaborate revenge scenarios, and enjoyed every minute of her suffering. While I haven't done anything about it, it kills me that she got away with ruining my life, disrespecting me, and fooling around with a married man, and I'm left holding the bag.

 

I suspect a lot of this is anger that should be directed at him. Even as I type this, I am enraged. While I was working two jobs, trying to make ends meet, he spent hours and hours playing hot chat online. He could have been looking for work, or doing things around the house, or even teaching himself a new skill, but no... *this* was the best he could come up with! GRRRRRR....

 

So here we are at six months. Some things are better, but these fantasies about her and about him and about what they did together are not helping me recover. Yet, I can't make them stop. I'd appreciate any thoughts from people who have been through this process. They say it takes at least two years, but I can't find anything that tells what the cycles are... I feel so petty and low-down, but I *do* want bad things to happen to her. Ideally, I'd like to do it, but at least to know about it, so I can gloat. Yes, I am ashamed of that, but it's true.

 

I can understand why you hate her for the bolded reasons, but keep in mind that most OW/OM have no idea what the truth is about the marriage. Many hear sob stories about how awful the BS is, which are in many case lies or tremendous exaggerations. Just look at many of the posts on the OW/OM board.

 

Regardless, your anger is misdirected. Sure, hate her, and wish she disappeared or whatever because it would make the problem go away, while keeping all your anger pointed in the direction of the person you didn't love or invest in completely. But again, in most cases, she's not the only one...or won't be if she disappears. The problem is with HIM and your marriage. You're perfectly right to hate her, but it's not solving anything. Your husband is the problem, and if there is any chance to fix this, it has to start with him.

[Rose1977]

This may or may not help. I was desperate to know the same. To set the stage, I am 33 and a figure/bikini competitor. I am in the short category so modeling was never an option, but my face has been used in several national campaigns. I am not tooting my own horn, believe me, I am just like every other woman, I can find a million things wrong with my face and body at any given moment.

 

But here's the kicker - the one long-term A he had (it was long term before we met - he only saw her once after we started dating and ended it - after sex of course ) was with a 50 year old woman. I am far from an ageist... BUT. She is obese, has a bit of a mustache, and looks like she's lived - shall we say, a rough life. During her harassment of me, she sunk so low as to send me naked pics of herself. WHY I don't know. She never claimed he took them or anything, guess she just wanted me to know what he passed up. Not to be graphic, but she has red hair and doesn't - um - groom. And her C-Section scars healed in these weird raised bright lines. And her boobs are down to her belly button. (To be fair, mine aren't as perky as they used to be, thank you Victoria's Secret push ups) but I also don't send naked pics of myself to other women in an attempt to prove my hottness.

 

My point (and I hope you giggled a little too - God knows I had to during all this BS) is that it doesn't matter what she looks like. Men are weird. They get attracted to things we can never understand. I don't think it would either help you or hurt you to see her body, etc... some things we just have to let go. Believe me, I am scarred for life by the sight of that Ronald McDonald stuff going on down around her "area"

[seeker2010]

Many hear sob stories about how awful the BS is, which are in many case lies or tremendous exaggerations. Just look at many of the posts on the OW/OM board.

 

Actually, as I read this, I had a *huge* upsurge of anger. I am sure that he did tell her lies about me, and lies about a future between them, etc and so forth. I know what he says about his ex partners, and I am sure he was saying horrible things about me to her, too. This ENRAGES me.

 

Regardless, your anger is misdirected.

See above. I am afraid that if I actually knew what he was saying about me to her, I would have to leave him. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the betrayal and his lack of integrity. He *swears* he never talked about me to her, but I know that's a lie. He talks to every woman he's ever been with about all his previous relationships. And he makes himself out to be the good guy (poor misunderstood baby) every time. I think I just don't want to know the detail of this, because I can't deal with it right now.

 

The problem is with HIM and your marriage. You're perfectly right to hate her, but it's not solving anything. Your husband is the problem, and if there is any chance to fix this, it has to start with him.

I think that is the crux of it... and I'm an impatient person... I want to see real change RIGHT NOW and I see some, but I think I am still in mourning for the man I thought I married, and I am angry with this guy who lives in my house. I am not sure they are the same guy.

[bloppy]

Actually, as I read this, I had a *huge* upsurge of anger. I am sure that he did tell her lies about me, and lies about a future between them, etc and so forth. I know what he says about his ex partners, and I am sure he was saying horrible things about me to her, too. This ENRAGES me.

 

 

See above. I am afraid that if I actually knew what he was saying about me to her, I would have to leave him. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the betrayal and his lack of integrity. He *swears* he never talked about me to her, but I know that's a lie. He talks to every woman he's ever been with about all his previous relationships. And he makes himself out to be the good guy (poor misunderstood baby) every time. I think I just don't want to know the detail of this, because I can't deal with it right now.

 

 

 

I feel the same way. I have asked my H what he told the OW about me and he said "not much we really didn't talk about it that much". I know that is a lie because I have read emails from her. My H tends to exaggerate. Just an example of his exaggeration he once told me his windshield was hit by a rock and he told me it was shattered. It was just a chip in the glass & it hasn't been replaced yet. So I can only imagine the horrible things he told her about me.

[seeker2010]

Ask him to produce a picture of her! It still may be somewhere on your hard drive. [snip]

 

It is what you do not know that makes you crazy.

 

Quite by accident, two pictures of her fell into my hands--this had nothing to do with my husband, and he doesn't know I have them.

 

I'm delighted to say that, she has gained at least 20 pounds since she was dumped, and she isn't taking care of herself. Her hair looks a fright and her clothes are too tight. I trust that is evidence that she's suffering. And you know what, *I don't care*. I am *glad* if she is suffering.

 

No, that's not very generous of me, and it is petty and small. And I'm perfectly fine with it. I've certainly suffered enough from my husband's behaviour, and she helped him do it.

 

I also find it amusing that the pictures are from a religious event--maybe the strip I tore off her has driven her to seek some kind of a moral basis for her life!

 

In any case, I'm at peace now, because I *know* what she looks like. I'm funny that way. My imagination torments me more than reality can bite me.

[Spark1111]

Well i am the same way! My imagination of it was probably ten times worse the sad, sordid, reality of it.

 

And it is normal to hate, hate, hate the OP. It is a diflection of hating the person you love who has betrayed you. It is a defense mechanism from pain and is pretty normal. It protects the psyche.

 

You may not have been discussed at all. Unfortunately, the BS is not even a blip on their radar when the hormones kick in. They have a million justifications such as, we aren't doing anything wrong, no one is getting hurt here, what she doesn't know can't hurt her, we are just having a bit of fun, blah, blah, blah.....

 

Are you guys in IC or MC? Does he know why he fell down this slippery slope? Is he remorseful? Does he "get" it?

 

In so many cases, affairs are between two vulnerable and needy people for attention, flattery, and validation.

 

It really has very little to do with the appearance of the AP. Just the willingness to leap down the slide into infidelity.

 

Hold onto the belief that it had almost nothing to do with you or the relationship.

[seeker2010]

And it is normal to hate, hate, hate the OP. It is a diflection of hating the person you love who has betrayed you. It is a defense mechanism from pain and is pretty normal. It protects the psyche.

Oh, definitely! I am still in the phase where I am afraid to rock the boat too much, and it's much easier/safer to hate her. But I want to get past that so I can see the 'real picture', if that's at all possible.

 

You may not have been discussed at all.

This is what he kept saying, but I didn't believe it because I couldn't figure out what *she* was getting out it. This past weekend, he finally confessed that he did tell her that he loved her (which I knew and knew he was lying about but he wouldn't admit). That, combined with seeing her, tells me a lot, so now I can actually believe that.

 

They have a million justifications such as, we aren't doing anything wrong, no one is getting hurt here, what she doesn't know can't hurt her, we are just having a bit of fun, blah, blah, blah.....

I am quite certain that he wanted me to find out. I think quite a lot of his unconcious motivation was anger at me. We made a significant life change (a big move) that took him away from the location (which he loves) where the OW lives to a new location where he was very unhappy. Because he was unemployed, I was working two jobs, one of which required frequent travel. He was alone, bored, angry, and depressed. This was, to a large degree, a revenge affair.

 

Are you guys in IC or MC?

I'm in IC, and I'm pushing him for IC, as well. He was assessed by a psychiatrist who gave him a group to join. He won't. I am now pushing him into IC with a private counsellor. It will be expensive, but I don't think we can do meaningful MC without it.

 

Does he know why he fell down this slippery slope?

No. He may have some ideas about it, but I think they stop short.

 

Is he remorseful? Does he "get" it?

Yes, but he's missing important facets that he just doesn't get. For example, the other day, he told me with quite a lot of bitterness that he no longer feels "free to do as he pleases", like what I require of him is some kind of a horrible punishment that he is bravely taking on, out of love for me. I almost said something very rude to him, but contented myself by saying that for everything we want in life, we usually have to give something else up.

 

In so many cases, affairs are between two vulnerable and needy people for attention, flattery, and validation.

And as I stated above, also for revenge. "See? You're neglecting me! You'll be sorry you treated me badly. I can find someone else to treat me right!"

 

It really has very little to do with the appearance of the AP. Just the willingness to leap down the slide into infidelity.

In this case, it does have a little something to do with it--he chose a person with a key physical attribute that he has always made a big fuss over. The OW has HUGE boobs. I mean, porn site size. He made a point of telling me, in our early confrontations, that she would "do anything he said" and that this sense of control over her, making her do things that I gather were quite humiliating, was part of the excitement. This is why I need him in IC before I can even consider MC. I think he has some serious issues that this has smoked out.

 

Hold onto the belief that it had almost nothing to do with you or the relationship.

After having seen her (the real her, not my imaginary her), I can see that this is probably true. She looks like someone who got swept into something that quickly got out of control, and she ended up doing a lot of things that I bet she wishes she hadn't--at least she wishes that now. I hope she's learned a lesson. But who knows, I am probably extrapolating from what I would feel, and she clearly is missing a few key morality fibers. Personally, I hope she does worry about whether or not he taped her and what happened to those videos.

[thatdog]

I think everyone has revenge fantasies. It's much easier to focus your rage on a stranger and blame them for ruining your life than your partner. Especially if you think about your relationship as being good 'before he/she came along'.

In my case I know the guys name, what he looks like and where he works (about 3 min walk from my apartment. And it takes all of my strength sometimes not to just march down the street and kick the living crap out of him, even though in reality i know it's pointless and he is probably less to blame than my partner.

[seeker2010]

I think everyone has revenge fantasies. It's much easier to focus your rage on a stranger and blame them for ruining your life than your partner. Especially if you think about your relationship as being good 'before he/she came along'.

In my case I know the guys name, what he looks like and where he works (about 3 min walk from my apartment. And it takes all of my strength sometimes not to just march down the street and kick the living crap out of him, even though in reality i know it's pointless and he is probably less to blame than my partner.

I would have a very hard time with this. One of the best things about my situation is that she is FAR away and it's very unlikely that I would ever set eyes on her in my life. I feel so much for those who have to deal with the OW/OM being right there. It must be so much harder if that person knows you personally. Worst of all would be if they were your friend (or you thought they were).

[woundedheart]

Right there with you!