should i breakup with my passive aggressive compulsive lying gf?

[Martian536]

Hi all,

 

I recently got involved with a girl who over the last year and a half have realized has major daddy issues and does have traits of a borderline/bipolar girl. Its been an intense emotional rollercoaster along with the hypersexuality that is probably the reason why I feel stuck. She can be the sweetest girl one day to the most raging distrustful angry person the next. She's the daughter of an verbally abusive alcoholic dad who left her mom when she was around 17 and he shows his face once in awhile (like a part time dad who lives separately but the mom allows the dad to be a part of his life). Anyway, the reason I bring this background is because I think her relationship with her dad is recreated in our relationship.

 

I have caught her in a few white lies (for which I don't understand why) and her passive aggressiveness is causing me major insecurities. She can never have open honest communication. It's either passive aggressive (tell me what I want to hear but mean otherwise and sabotage it) or get really pissy defensive and yell at me. One time, she got a text in the middle of the night and while i was sleeping next to her managed to try to turn the phone away from me (as if hiding it) and i called her out on that gesture. Second, she has a tendency to pull off white lies easy and her excuse is so she won't have to hear it from me. She said she was conditioned that way because her ex boyfriends were possessive and one of them use to delete numbers from her phone. I am a bit way older at 31 and she's turnign 25. I really want to avoid the father-daughter relationship with this girl where she has to beat around the bush to avoid the truth.

 

Anyway, it gets worse when this dude (her classmate) starts texting her about schoolwork and I know how this guy looks like on her facebook so Im not even worried physically about him but you never know, some girls do have a way of emotionally cheating. I was next to her again and this time, she shows me and goes "see here, we're just talking about our homework". I told her "I don't need to see it, I trust you.. but don't go and start deleting it". So i never read the message and went on my ways.

 

The next morning I woke up with her phone right in front of my face and forgive me for snooping but I wanted to see if she understand what I asked from her. To my surprise, she deleted the messages and her excuses was "it meant nothing and I delete certain messages" yet she keeps other messages that are also rather pointless.

 

So we get in a big argument about how I hate how she has to lie to me to avoid conflict and this is actually makign her look very suspicious. She goes "I delete it so you won't get jealous and I know you'd trip over the message". Then I tell her "no, its the exact opposite effect, you deleting it is making me wonder if you have something to hide!"..

 

So i was already to the point that I was gonna dump her as I feel gross for having to invade her privacy but she also likes to plant seeds of doubt by doing weird things like this..

 

So fast forward a week later, I notice she would sometimes use her phone and go through it like she's deleting stuff. I had a gut feeling (for some reason I always have these gut feelings), then while asleep again, I couldn't help but snoop again and noticed she had sent a text (she can't erase her text history) to the guy just yesterday. I kept my mouth shut and didn't call her out to avoid any morning drama. Then she shows me her phone and says "hey, look I didn't get your text till now..". I found that as an opportunity and said "okay, let me send a text to me and see if I get it instantly".. Then I played it off and said "hey, you text that same dude but i don't see your conversation with him".. then she gets defensive again (at first, i thoguht her defensiveness was because I was accusing her.. now it turns off she's defensive cuz she's guilty).. then she goes "i was going to text him but i didn't.." then going next to the guy's name shows the last contact time and she actually called the guy too.. so i go "well, so why did you happen to call him too?" i look her in the eye and i can't believe she had the guts to lie to my face and go "i must've butt-dialed him." and i go "well, thats hard to believe because you obviously erased him from your call history"...

 

and that was it.. I told her, I hate having to do this but your making yourself so suspicious.. only people who want credibility try to prove themselves when they're caught in the act.. I even told her "i told you so.. i knew you would keep this up and keep doing this.. Stop treating me like your ex boyfriends who didn't trust you.. you're making me not trust you this way!"..

 

I honestly don't really think anything is going on (but i could be wrong and I'd hate to be played like a fool.. I do have some insecurities from a previous relationship that involved cheating so her bagggage and my baggage are leading to a toxic devastation of our trust".. i don't understand why she couldn't just be upfront.. its like half the time she's truthful and the other half she lies..

 

is this because of the way she was treated by her dad and ex boyfriends? she's like a sneaky little girl and its starting to erode my trust for her.. its only a matter of time until i find out if there's more that she's hiding.. so probably after all this time, who knows how many calls she's been erasing.. she does have a tendency not to trust me either so im thinking "if she can't trust me, then she also can't be trusted"..

 

she was able to keep her calm this time around without going crazy and she promises that she totally understands what she's doing to our relationship..

 

what would you guys do? since i still love her and know the good in her, im still thinking she does this to avoid me getting jealous but I tell her, why would i be jealous of some big chubby dude (but who knows,s he might find this guy attractive even if i don't.. i think this way because if there's nothing to hide, why delete their conversations..).. its like she wants to believe she has no interactions with guys at all when in fact i find that hard to believe.. its a matter of time that she rebels against me and acts out on it since she's treating me like how she treats her dad and ex boyfriends..

 

should i stay in this or rebuild an open communication and trust with this chic? all these things about bipolar/borderline infidelity are also scaring me too.. she tends to be very emotionally unavailable and she's only cried on my shoulder twice in almost 2 years ive known her and this is about her crazy family problems (she has an alcoholic older brother and a lesbian younger sister who is a high school dropout).. she's the only one who is in college pursuing an art degree and lives alone with her elderly mom taking care of her basic n eeds (transporation, etc..) and recently the drunk brother moved back in after getting his 2nd dui from jail..

 

so there is alot on her plate but she has trouble confiding in me.. she realized she's pushing me away by not trusting me with her feelings and lying to me and im pushing her away by having to snoop on her and call her out (which probably just makes it harder for her to be caught the next time).. i feel bad that she's been conditioned this way but i know i can't save her, she has to realize this herself..

[wilson1]

This is a difficult situation. Trust is so basic in a relationship. If i were you i would give her an ultimatum. Tell her you need to know she will ALWAYS be upfront to you and that you want transparency in your relationship. Ask her if she can commit to that. Tell her that if you catch her ever deleting a message again or lying, you will take it as a sign she has something to hide and you will leave her. Lying is not accepted in a trust-worthy relationship (whether white or not white lies).

 

If she agrees, and the breaks the deal, then leave her and never look back, it was her fault, and it will be hard but you will leave knowing that you did the right thing and if not your relationship would be hell.

 

One question, does she have a history of cheating on her bf's or any dark and suspicious stories in her past relationships?

 

 

Also, a friend of mine always used to say "i see tips of icebergs in people, and i can figure out whats underneath". The tips of iceberg she is showing you are really bad.

[Martian536]

This is a difficult situation. Trust is so basic in a relationship. If i were you i would give her an ultimatum. Tell her you need to know she will ALWAYS be upfront to you and that you want transparency in your relationship. Ask her if she can commit to that. Tell her that if you catch her ever deleting a message again or lying, you will take it as a sign she has something to hide and you will leave her. Lying is not accepted in a trust-worthy relationship (whether white or not white lies).

 

If she agrees, and the breaks the deal, then leave her and never look back, it was her fault, and it will be hard but you will leave knowing that you did the right thing and if not your relationship would be hell.

 

One question, does she have a history of cheating on her bf's or any dark and suspicious stories in her past relationships?

 

 

Also, a friend of mine always used to say "i see tips of icebergs in people, and i can figure out whats underneath". The tips of iceberg she is showing you are really bad.

 

Hi. I wish I could know her history.. she doesn't really have alot of friends, just school classmates and a handful of friends that keep a distant relationship over the years from high school.. and other than her sister.. so its really hard to find out what her past was like.. She says she has had a history of insecure boyfriends and i can see why.. she said her last boyfriend can be blamed for her behavior now.. he didn't like her having any guy friends and would delete numbers from her phone.. and then she also said her most recent ex was straying and she caught photos of some girl or who knows if she's telling the truth or what if he did that because she was the one who was doing suspicious things on her end.... what if she's the one who's cheated.. im very skeptical and have to keep a watchful eye from now on.. we got in a really bad fight today and i was on the verge of leaving, she knows to not play me like a fool and she explained herself.. the part that saved her is because this guy really looks like a huge scrubby dude more on the obese side and is indeed her classmate, not her type at all (or so i assume).. and because of that last time she got that late night text (who ended up being some old coworker trying to hit on her) and she admitted to that as well.. so at this point, it simply are just white lies or she's playing the little girl don't want to upset me part thinking that any guy will make me upset which is ridiculous assumption on her part based on her previous relationships.. luckily she hasn't done anything major yet but if it does happen, i shouldve just listened to my gut..from here on, she's gonna have to earn my trust a bit harder..

[wilson1]

You need to tell her upfront that you wont take any more white lies for her. Seek for her agreement. Tell her that you need her to promise looking at your eyes that she will NEVER lie to you again about ANYTHING. If she does her promise. Give her one more chance.

 

If she breaks it even on a small thing after that, leave her because then she can be lying about anything, she cant be trusted and she failed her promise.

 

I am going through a somewhat similar situation. My girl had a past bf who she says was extremely jealous, didnt allow her to have male friends, and even locked up on her apartment once. Of course that is absolutely bad behaviour, but she now uses that as excuse to "since i had once a jealous bf i wont take any jealousy from you", and that is not an excuse. I told her i wont pay for the broken dishes of someone else. And its certainly not an excuse for lying like in your case. Sometimes i even wonder if she gave this past bf motives to be jealous (like you do)... she say she didnt but who knows.

 

I confronted her on something she did that she knew it would hurt me (though it was not infidelity) and she agreed to be 100% honest on whatever happens on her life. Even though i have my insecurities, i know that if i ever catch her lying on the slightest thing, i will leave her. I havent up to now so i have no reasons.

 

I think it would be good for you to take a similar approach and give her an ultimatum.

 

Also... have you asked her upfront if she ever cheated on any bf?

[Martian536]

You need to tell her upfront that you wont take any more white lies for her. Seek for her agreement. Tell her that you need her to promise looking at your eyes that she will NEVER lie to you again about ANYTHING. If she does her promise. Give her one more chance.

 

If she breaks it even on a small thing after that, leave her because then she can be lying about anything, she cant be trusted and she failed her promise.

 

I am going through a somewhat similar situation. My girl had a past bf who she says was extremely jealous, didnt allow her to have male friends, and even locked up on her apartment once. Of course that is absolutely bad behaviour, but she now uses that as excuse to "since i had once a jealous bf i wont take any jealousy from you", and that is not an excuse. I told her i wont pay for the broken dishes of someone else. And its certainly not an excuse for lying like in your case. Sometimes i even wonder if she gave this past bf motives to be jealous (like you do)... she say she didnt but who knows.

 

I confronted her on something she did that she knew it would hurt me (though it was not infidelity) and she agreed to be 100% honest on whatever happens on her life. Even though i have my insecurities, i know that if i ever catch her lying on the slightest thing, i will leave her. I havent up to now so i have no reasons.

 

I think it would be good for you to take a similar approach and give her an ultimatum.

 

Also... have you asked her upfront if she ever cheated on any bf?

 

 

well, this is what im going to do now.. im going to give her the silent treatment because she's use to me reacting so quick and upset and verbally.. and ask for asking her if she cheated, i did recall subtly bringint that up in the beginning and she proudly said she never cheated.. but who will ever plead the truth to that question..

 

i was so upset that she had the courage to even lie and deny her deception right in front of my face.. she tried to say she "butt-dialed" by accident and then called her out by saying so why did she conciously erase the number from the call log (luckily her phone also stores a separate individual history by the contact name).. so she was caught red handed and coudln't argue any further.. im sure she felt so stupid.. and yes, she keeps pulling out that argument and promises to "try her best" to work on being less passive aggressive.. well, its not even passive aggressive anymore, its downright lying and deceptive.. this call happened when she was supposed to be in a class from 1-7pm.. supposedly before i found out about this, she was asleep in her car (which she sometimes does) from 1-3pm? thats when the call was made about 3pm.. so i don't want to fill my head with crazy thoughts right now but im definatley on edge from here on.. i asked her today for the story up front and she says she tried to call/txt her classmate to ask if the teacher was giving a demonstration so she can walk in without being noticed.. but what am i to believe now.. her credibility has been shot... so sad.

[dreamingoftigers]

Drop her. She's 25 and this is bull****. I was a messed up girl too but I outgrew that land stage by 19. Is she is still that messed up from her history it us going to be an uphill struggle everyday. With someone that conflict-avoidant it is only a matter if time before they do cheat. It I

Is a rare occasion where I tell anyone to outright leave, but if you've got a secretive, outright liar with a huge insecurity problem at this stage, there us nowhere to go but down. DROP HER.

[Eddie Edirol]

Put it this way. She is still lying and passive aggressive because no one left her because of it. Shes gotten away with it up till now. If you dont make an ultimatum and keep your word, she wont learn.

[g450]

Did it occur to anyone that she could be cheating or did I miss something?

 

From her actions I see cheater written all over. Trust your gut.