What is available Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OK so let me was the men out there a question relating to this thread. When your girlfriends broke up with you...did they actually give you "these" reasons you listed here? Or are you assuming that your list is what caused the break-up? Neither is right or wrong, just curious. Reason Im asking is....at what point is it acceptable for the girl to tell her boyfriend or significant other things that bother her, or behaviors that she is missing and wants to see more of...less of...you know what I mean. We are always told as women in the dating world to not get so upset at the small stuff. Dont nag. Dont complain. Save the "getting upset" for the biggies like cheating, etc. Always be happy, feminine. So...many of us dont really tell our boyfriends when there is a problem because our boyfriends just get defensive. But if we dont tell you men, then how are you to know there is an issue which bothers us? At what point can a girl tell her boyfriend that she isnt getting enough time, attention, romance, etc...without him getting defensive and...when is it finally time to call it quits? How do we approach you in a way that you wont get defensive? Thanks men
GreenPolicy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OK so let me was the men out there a question relating to this thread. When your girlfriends broke up with you...did they actually give you "these" reasons you listed here? Or are you assuming that your list is what caused the break-up? Neither is right or wrong, just curious. Reason Im asking is....at what point is it acceptable for the girl to tell her boyfriend or significant other things that bother her, or behaviors that she is missing and wants to see more of...less of...you know what I mean. We are always told as women in the dating world to not get so upset at the small stuff. Dont nag. Dont complain. Save the "getting upset" for the biggies like cheating, etc. Always be happy, feminine. So...many of us dont really tell our boyfriends when there is a problem because our boyfriends just get defensive. But if we dont tell you men, then how are you to know there is an issue which bothers us? At what point can a girl tell her boyfriend that she isnt getting enough time, attention, romance, etc...without him getting defensive and...when is it finally time to call it quits? How do we approach you in a way that you wont get defensive? Thanks men If you have a boyfriend get defensive when you tell him something really bothers you, then he's not right for you. If you have a boyfriend listen to you and make an attempt to correct the problem, then he is right for you. Bottling stuff up until you can't take it anymore is not a prescription for relationship success. You have no choice but to speak up for what you want and need. The reaction on the part of your man will tell you what you need to do.
GreenPolicy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Hey, no one knows that situation better than me. I was engaged, moved halfway across the world and it still wasn't enough. I think what you need to realize is that there are issues and dealbreakers. In a normal, healthy relationship the issues can be worked out, the dealbreakers (i.e. cheating) cannot. Drinking wine at home? That's a minor issue, a stupid issue. So what are you supposed to work on, drinking wine at home? Maybe the next girl wouldn't like that at all. What are you going to do then, change again. With women like that it's a losing battle...I know all too well. You fill a hole for them, and there's always another one waiting. Something always has to be wrong, that's no way to go through a relationship. Yeah, she didn't bring that up in the b/u conversation, it was just something she said at her apartment about a month before we broke up. She said something like "I still have beers in my fridge from when we first started dating." You don't break up with somebody over something stupid like that. And it's not like I'm a teetotaler. I'd take her out for drinks.
1784 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 The "deal-breaker" was that I didn't move in with her in December when I was scheduled to. Why? Because my mom has terminal cancer. The ex lives about an hour away. My mom lives close-by. I figured my ex could spare me a couple of months while I got things sorted with my mom. Apparently that was just too much to ask. She said "this just doesn't feel right". Ok. It's not like I'm making up some lame excuse. I'm pretty sure that my ex will be alive long enough to sacrifice a couple of months. It's not like I'm not seeing her. Anyway, I think you get the point. I know that it's never just one thing that breaks a couple up but I asked her flat out if I had moved in as scheduled would we still be together? She said yes. Oh there were other problems but this was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know how she can live with herself. If it had been one of HER Parents I would have walked to the North Pole if that's where I was needed to help. Don't know what else to say.
DustySaltus Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Yeah, she didn't bring that up in the b/u conversation, it was just something she said at her apartment about a month before we broke up. She said something like "I still have beers in my fridge from when we first started dating." You don't break up with somebody over something stupid like that. And it's not like I'm a teetotaler. I'd take her out for drinks. This is the same girl who was looking for an engagement ring? Come on, this girl has no idea what a relationship is about. You dodged a bullet.
What is available Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If you have a boyfriend get defensive when you tell him something really bothers you, then he's not right for you. If you have a boyfriend listen to you and make an attempt to correct the problem, then he is right for you. Bottling stuff up until you can't take it anymore is not a prescription for relationship success. You have no choice but to speak up for what you want and need. The reaction on the part of your man will tell you what you need to do. Thanks for your reply...and I believe it makes sense. I mean, if I was doing something that bothered my boyfriend, bugged him - I would want to know so that we could talk about it maturely and honestly. My boyfriend goes from being super attentive, loving, caring - and then to distant. I wont hear from him regarding anything unless I begin a discussion, or unless I text/call him first. No initiating on his part at all. I was told by friends that I "should back off" and let him come to me. Give him the opportunity to make contact with me when he was ready. So I did. He finally contacted me a few days later and was SO upset. He doesnt understand why I stopped calling him...texting him. Then, silent treatment from him..too busy to talk, too busy to text.... So, I took your advice - I told him that it bothered me that the only time I hear from him is when I contact him first. Sometimes it feels special to know he is thinking of me without me making the first move and all. And yet again - he got very defensive. Maybe im only an ego boost to him. Weird. Well thanks again for your reply.
GreenPolicy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) This is the same girl who was looking for an engagement ring? Come on, this girl has no idea what a relationship is about. You dodged a bullet. Six weeks before D-Day: emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as "fiance" Five weeks before D-Day: wanted to introduce me to her 91 yo grandmother Month before D-Day: tells me her parents want to meet mine at dinner so the future in-laws can get acquainted Five Days before D-Day: she had asked for gold hoop earrings for her birthday and Christmas. I emailed her asking her if she wanted white gold or yellow gold earrings so I'd get her what she wanted. She replies "Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I want yellow gold earrings, but I prefer white gold RINGS." This is the explanation I got in the b/u conversation, a complete 180 from everything she ever told me when we were together: "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved and need to be loved. When you give me compliments and show me affection, I don't feel like that person on the inside. I've never been in a relationship longer than a year, I always do this. Something just doesn't feel right. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." This was two weeks shy of our first anniversary. She has had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. Edited March 17, 2011 by GreenPolicy
DustySaltus Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Six weeks before D-Day: emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as "fiance" Five weeks before D-Day: wanted to introduce me to her 91 yo grandmother Month before D-Day: tells me her parents want to meet mine at dinner so the future in-laws can get acquainted Five Days before D-Day: she had asked for gold hoop earrings for her birthday and Christmas. I emailed her asking her if she wanted white gold or yellow gold earrings so I'd get her what she wanted. She replies "Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I want yellow gold earrings, but I prefer white gold RINGS." This is the explanation I got in the b/u conversation, a complete 180 from everything she ever told me when we were together: "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved and need to be loved. When you give me compliments and show me affection, I don't feel like that person on the inside. I've never been in a relationship longer than a year, I always do this. Something just doesn't feel right. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." This was two weeks shy of our first anniversary. She has had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. check out this site, it might explain her. sounds eerily familiar bpdfamily.com
silvermane187 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) OK so let me was the men out there a question relating to this thread. When your girlfriends broke up with you...did they actually give you "these" reasons you listed here? Or are you assuming that your list is what caused the break-up? Neither is right or wrong, just curious. Reason Im asking is....at what point is it acceptable for the girl to tell her boyfriend or significant other things that bother her, or behaviors that she is missing and wants to see more of...less of...you know what I mean. We are always told as women in the dating world to not get so upset at the small stuff. Dont nag. Dont complain. Save the "getting upset" for the biggies like cheating, etc. Always be happy, feminine. So...many of us dont really tell our boyfriends when there is a problem because our boyfriends just get defensive. But if we dont tell you men, then how are you to know there is an issue which bothers us? At what point can a girl tell her boyfriend that she isnt getting enough time, attention, romance, etc...without him getting defensive and...when is it finally time to call it quits? How do we approach you in a way that you wont get defensive? Thanks men You should never get defensive when your girl is being open and honest about reasonable things that bother her. Instead of doing that she chose to keep quiet and let it build up until (to her) it wasn't worth it to even try to work it out. Comunication is key to mantaining a relationship. I wish she would have just been open from the beginning, things might have turned out differently. I would have changed anything reasonable for her. Edited March 17, 2011 by silvermane187
Kic Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OK so let me was the men out there a question relating to this thread. When your girlfriends broke up with you...did they actually give you "these" reasons you listed here? Or are you assuming that your list is what caused the break-up? Neither is right or wrong, just curious. If a woman tells you the issues she has with you while the relationship is salvageable, they're probably the genuine reasons per this post topic. If she tells you the problems as the reason for breaking up, there is a chance that she may not be telling the entire list or the real reasons because she has checked out at that point. This is more likely when she bottles things up or never really complained much during the relationship. So in a way, one can be more "right" i.e. accurate than the other. Reason Im asking is....at what point is it acceptable for the girl to tell her boyfriend or significant other things that bother her, or behaviors that she is missing and wants to see more of...less of...you know what I mean. We are always told as women in the dating world to not get so upset at the small stuff. Dont nag. Dont complain. Save the "getting upset" for the biggies like cheating, etc. Always be happy, feminine. So...many of us dont really tell our boyfriends when there is a problem because our boyfriends just get defensive. But if we dont tell you men, then how are you to know there is an issue which bothers us? At what point can a girl tell her boyfriend that she isnt getting enough time, attention, romance, etc...without him getting defensive and...when is it finally time to call it quits? How do we approach you in a way that you wont get defensive? Thanks men You are right that men hate when their women complain in a harsh way. They hate nagging, they hate feeling defensive for it (because they just lost control of their emotions), they want to feel like an adequate provider, etc. Unbridled nagging ranks up there with excessive weight and lack of sex as reasons for a man to leave. Of course, issues should be mentioned and not bottled, even if they are small, but the trick is to do it in a tactful way that doesn't sound complaining, belittling, or insulting. Starting a constructive complaint off with "I feel" instead of "you always", for example. If he is not receptive to that, then he is too controlling or too poor at communication.
Conchita Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 This are the reasons my ex has give me to explain that he is living me forever because he doesn't love me anymore and because we were not supposed to be together, although we have been together for over 10 years. He has loved me a lot and we had plans together. The relationship matured, losing a bit of spark and infatuation, which is normal, but was sustained by a more matured kind of love. He loves me, but misses the passional kind of constant love that we used to have. It has been transformed into a hughe friendship, but not much more. Suddenly, those plans seemed too far and he start doubing if he wanted to live with something like a great flatmate for ever. Passion has gone, although we have enjoyed sex very recently. Splitting up came to his mind 3 or 4 times during the last 2 years, but he though that soon we will be happily carrying out our plans (moving overseas, and maybe start a family) because he though he loved me and things will improve (we havent been very lucky with jobs, unemployment periods and family problems around us...). Suddenly, he has lost confidence. On top of that, he has met an old female friend in his home country (where we were dreaming to settle). Apparently they connected very well. They liked each other. She has lots of contacts for jobs. She's got a good position. She is younger than me. He has only see her in three occasions and is nothing yet, but it will. He is illussioned with his perspectives and has lost all remaining hope he had left on us. I understand. I will probably have done the same in the same scenario. I also though about asking him to leave dozens of times. I love him, however.
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 This are the reasons my ex has give me to explain that he is living me forever because he doesn't love me anymore and because we were not supposed to be together, although we have been together for over 10 years. He has loved me a lot and we had plans together. The relationship matured, losing a bit of spark and infatuation, which is normal, but was sustained by a more matured kind of love. He loves me, but misses the passional kind of constant love that we used to have. It has been transformed into a hughe friendship, but not much more. Suddenly, those plans seemed too far and he start doubing if he wanted to live with something like a great flatmate for ever. Passion has gone, although we have enjoyed sex very recently. Splitting up came to his mind 3 or 4 times during the last 2 years, but he though that soon we will be happily carrying out our plans (moving overseas, and maybe start a family) because he though he loved me and things will improve (we havent been very lucky with jobs, unemployment periods and family problems around us...). Suddenly, he has lost confidence. On top of that, he has met an old female friend in his home country (where we were dreaming to settle). Apparently they connected very well. They liked each other. She has lots of contacts for jobs. She's got a good position. She is younger than me. He has only see her in three occasions and is nothing yet, but it will. He is illussioned with his perspectives and has lost all remaining hope he had left on us. I understand. I will probably have done the same in the same scenario. I also though about asking him to leave dozens of times. I love him, however. and that my friend is true love.
GreenPolicy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) check out this site, it might explain her. sounds eerily familiar bpdfamily.com Hard to diagnose borderlines, right? I read somewhere that every human to some degree exhibits borderline traits or behaviors from time to time, but true borderlines exhibit those traits consistently and to a much larger degree. I've often thought that my ex is a commitment-phobe, because she bailed right as we were about to take the relationship to the next level. Her real dad abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. He was a minimal presence in her life growing up. Her mom remarried when she was five and she was raised by her stepdad. She told me, however, that things were not peachy at home, that they fought and argued all the time over how best to raise her, with her mom being the bad cop and her stepdad being the good cop. And her stepdad is a good guy, he did the best he could from what I could tell, and I know that he really loves her and a large part of why he married her mom was because he wanted the opportunity to raise her and be the dad she didn't have, but she's expressed resentment about him before. They live out in the country in rural Texas. One time she said "He'll come to (large Texas city) to go to the gun show, but he won't come to take me to dinner." I came to the conclusion that she has daddy/intimacy/abandonment issues, and she bails on things when she feels somebody getting too close and it's too much for her to mentally handle. Some of that stuff sounds like her and some of it doesn't. It says that BPDs go from viewing you as a savior, clinging to you, then at the very end hating you and viewing things in a black and white manner. The last time I saw her was when she came to get her bike two months ago and I could tell she was glad to see me and didn't hate me. On the other hand, it also says that you get accused of stuff you never said and did. We were supposed to go to four weddings last fall for various friends/family. We went to one and she broke up with me before we could go to the other three. One of the things she said when breaking up is "I don't want to make you go to weddings you don't have to go to and don't want to go." When in fact I never complained about having to go to these weddings, never resented it, and viewed it as my duty to support her. Where she got this idea that I didn't want to go, I don't know. But it convinces me even more that something was going on inside her head that had nothing to do with me. Edited March 17, 2011 by GreenPolicy
What is available Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If a woman tells you the issues she has with you while the relationship is salvageable, they're probably the genuine reasons per this post topic. If she tells you the problems as the reason for breaking up, there is a chance that she may not be telling the entire list or the real reasons because she has checked out at that point. This is more likely when she bottles things up or never really complained much during the relationship. So in a way, one can be more "right" i.e. accurate than the other. You are right that men hate when their women complain in a harsh way. They hate nagging, they hate feeling defensive for it (because they just lost control of their emotions), they want to feel like an adequate provider, etc. Unbridled nagging ranks up there with excessive weight and lack of sex as reasons for a man to leave. Of course, issues should be mentioned and not bottled, even if they are small, but the trick is to do it in a tactful way that doesn't sound complaining, belittling, or insulting. Starting a constructive complaint off with "I feel" instead of "you always", for example. If he is not receptive to that, then he is too controlling or too poor at communication. Thanks Kic for your insight and honest reply. I also agree totally - nagging just plain sucks. No one likes to be nagged, but for men its even worse. Its like they somehow failed in the relationship - and didnt even know it. I have always used the "I feel" messages - because I am responsible for my feelings...he isnt. However, maybe giving a few positive comments as well - telling him what I do appreciate may help. And...when my man ever does initiate any type of discussion again, praise him subtly of course so he sees that it makes me happy.
hey kiddo Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 For me, he didn’t say exactly why, but here are the reasons I think contributed: - Being too nice to him (he asked me not to be so nice to him as he does not deserve it and can't give back) - Wanting a serious relationship, wanting him to commit (he felt pressured) - Me being depressed about work & life and constantly bitched to him about it - He said he can read me like a book (I guess the mystery is gone) - Too easy for him (I’d answer to his late night booty calls) - Emotionally unstabled, moodiness - Low self esteem, I don’t love myself enough - He's still in love with his ex who cheated on him - I told him I love him, that I'll do anything for him
GreenPolicy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 The "deal-breaker" was that I didn't move in with her in December when I was scheduled to. Why? Because my mom has terminal cancer. The ex lives about an hour away. My mom lives close-by. I figured my ex could spare me a couple of months while I got things sorted with my mom. Apparently that was just too much to ask. She said "this just doesn't feel right". Ok. It's not like I'm making up some lame excuse. I'm pretty sure that my ex will be alive long enough to sacrifice a couple of months. It's not like I'm not seeing her. Anyway, I think you get the point. I know that it's never just one thing that breaks a couple up but I asked her flat out if I had moved in as scheduled would we still be together? She said yes. Oh there were other problems but this was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know how she can live with herself. If it had been one of HER Parents I would have walked to the North Pole if that's where I was needed to help. Don't know what else to say. Sounds like a brain and the heart tug of war sort of things. You still miss her and have emotions for her, but the rational part of you understands it's the height of selfishness for her to insist you leave your mom and not wait a few months. It's not like she never sees you. And yeah, you might be still together if you made the move as scheduled, but she showed her true colors. Sooner or later there would have been another litmus test to prove your loyalty and devotion. It would have ended eventually. I am in the same kind of boat as yourself in that I realize that my ex would have ended things eventually, but I still love her and it still hurts.
proactivedreamer Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 despite our intense connection...according to him things had to be perfect for us to forge ahead. He said I only had one chance and I let him down with -overreacting to small things, which caused us to disagree about small things -Didn't search for work vigorously because I didn;t have a permit but had done some general research -Was learning French at a slow pace -Wasn't social enough despite the fact that I made most of the plans with people I did end up going out with. Mind you, I was visiting for three months(in Switzerland), and didn't realize that this was a trial and error kind of situation...most of those things could have been worked on but he said that things needed to be perfect and we needed to be 200% to carry on because of the difficulty of the relationship. I wish love was enough to overcome these things...I tried telling him about the people in his own life that had similar situations but...he said that was different because of the fact we would have had to get married and such. Love doesn't conquer all...I guess I accept that. I know he loves me and really likes me but he won't give me another chance. He won't give this another chance. We spoke today and that is what he said.
Conchita Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 and that my friend is true love. What is true love? The love I still feeling for him?
1784 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Sounds like a brain and the heart tug of war sort of things. You still miss her and have emotions for her, but the rational part of you understands it's the height of selfishness for her to insist you leave your mom and not wait a few months. It's not like she never sees you. And yeah, you might be still together if you made the move as scheduled, but she showed her true colors. Sooner or later there would have been another litmus test to prove your loyalty and devotion. It would have ended eventually. I am in the same kind of boat as yourself in that I realize that my ex would have ended things eventually, but I still love her and it still hurts. Thanks for the reply, GreenPolicy. It hasn't been easy. You're right, logically I do know that the end result was for the best. Emotionally, I still think I have her up on that pedestal that I so finely crafted for her. This plays with your head a bit. Even when you know something logically, you still doubt yourself and your decision. It's tough. This wasn't the only litmus test that she failed. She was great to be with when things were fitting into her little picture frame world. When anything got tough or outside the realm of her comfort zone she would freak out a little. The times where I really needed her she never seemed to be there quite as much as I expected her to be. I was consistently disappointed in these failures. The thing is, she thought she was there. She thought she was doing all she could. I think in the end that we just had different ideas about what love is- to us. But yeah, for some reason it still does hurt. It sucks.
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 what is true love? My love or his? "I understand. I will probably have done the same in the same scenario. I also though about asking him to leave dozens of times. I love him, however." That.^
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 "I understand. I will probably have done the same in the same scenario. I also though about asking him to leave dozens of times. I love him, however." That.^ real love is not selfish. u want the other person to be happy. u are willing to let them go.
Conchita Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 "I understand. I will probably have done the same in the same scenario. I also though about asking him to leave dozens of times. I love him, however." That.^ real love is not selfish. u want the other person to be happy. u are willing to let them go. Ummmm...not really. I may not be a good person at the moment because I don't want him to be happy. I want him to realise that he has suddenly broken a project we were going to start soon just for bumping into a girl which has such a connection with him , that he suddenly wants to try with her. Although he claims to love me, he wants to be in love. So f**** Conchita, f**** the plan, and let's go and try. Thus, no, I wish him the best in life but I also hope the thing with this woman doesn't work, and preferably, I'd love if she dumps him in the same way he has done to me. That would be a lesson... Regarding my willingness to let him go...well...what can I do? Chaining him to the chair? Everything has been said, its nothing I can do, and, full of suffering, of course I let him go
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Ummmm...not really. I may not be a good person at the moment because I don't want him to be happy. I want him to realise that he has suddenly broken a project we were going to start soon just for bumping into a girl which has such a connection with him , that he suddenly wants to try with her. Although he claims to love me, he wants to be in love. So f**** Conchita, f**** the plan, and let's go and try. Thus, no, I wish him the best in life but I also hope the thing with this woman doesn't work, and preferably, I'd love if she dumps him in the same way he has done to me. That would be a lesson... Regarding my willingness to let him go...well...what can I do? Chaining him to the chair? Everything has been said, its nothing I can do, and, full of suffering, of course I let him go " Ill tear myself away, if that is what you need, there is nothing left to say." <<< im sorry
Author marqueemoon4 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I realize now that no matter what I did my ex was going to leave eventually. Because she is totally f*cked up.
Recommended Posts