giulio Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hi, We are in an exclusive LDR for 2+ months now and I really feel that I'm giving/doing much more than she does. At the beginning things were ok, but from a few weeks on she started to behave as if she was less interested. Mainly I am patient and I don't overreact things like if she forgets to say "I miss you too" or answers then phone after 1.5 hours, or she has a bad day and she seems to be tired and sleepy. But right now I feel as if patterns are emerging. Last night we even had a fight and I told her that it can fell bad if when I keep saying sweet things to her she would't hear them, or for instance when I start to talk about plans, next/future meetings she tends to be pessimistic. I told her that she behaves exactly as if she would be interested in the relationship and if this is going to change me she should be upset... so she got upset that I don't understand her and that she din't always gives "feedback" to my initiatives... I guess she partially takes me for granted, she's partially the type of pessimistic/depressive girl... Last weekend for instance I've invited her to a training I was organizing (2h apart), but she never said yes or no, so I also made as if I forgot about it. Then, the day after the training she mentioned that she would had the possibility to come for 1 day with a colleague, for free, who just by luck had to drive to my town for business purposes but she didn't came because she thought I have a busy day and she didn't wanted to intervene... Asking why didn't she asked before, she said that she wanted to make me a surprise because I already made her surprise visits and she didn't wanted to came announced... So the other too frustrating things are the lack of communication and the fact that we can never establish the next weekend or meeting... (I would like to, but she says we can't plan everything ahead...) On the other hand she sometimes sends random messages, is sweet, loves to talk and always calls, several times a day... So i can't decide is she is just not that into the relationship as I am or just can't really show sometimes what she feels
folieadeux Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Chances are if you're feeling like you're doing most of the work, it's for a reason. There's two sides to every story, but it sounds like from your post that you are. I can chalk the her not answering the phone or replying to messages in a timely fashion up to coincidence or just being busy...any number of things really. But to not take a chance to see each other on multiple occassions? That's a big red flag for me. LDR's are not for everyone and are extremely difficult, even under the best of circumstances. It takes two to give 100% at all times and to me, it doesn't sounds like she's holding up her end of the bargain. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and try to setup one more meeting. If she still flakes out, I'd move on...it's better to know now then to drag things out needlessly.
Author giulio Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 hello, first off all let me thank you for your detailed reply... the thing is that I totally agree with you, if you really really want a relationship and you are really sure that your partner is nice, special etc how comes that you don't do everything that you can or could ? it's not about doing things in a perfect manner, but avoiding short and long term plans, not taking chances to visit me and basically siletly refusing some things that can really make a LDR work is a bit hard to handle for me... for instance today she had a tooth surgery and I would love to be with her because it's really painful... I had to work a lot, and it's not yet weekend, but I've made everything I could... texted her before, called after, left her messages etc and she says to all this that "don't try to make me feel better, because what really could have helped me now is a live hug" And the thing is, I am starting to think about that maybe she just can't handle LDR and she's the type who needs constant physical presence and the things she does (being passive and rejecting my initiatives to make it more serious) are a kind of defence despite that she likes me, cares for me and enjoys my personality... So I'm kind of confused at the moment because I wouldn't like to spend another couple of months in this, just to come to a conclusion that she can't handle it / would never make a big sacrifice for the relationship... ps, edit for first post I told her that she behaves exactly as if she wouldn't be interested in the relationship and if this is going to change me she shouldn't be upset... so she got upset that I don't understand her and that she din't always gives "feedback" to my initiatives...
folieadeux Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 LDR's aren't for everyone; this may be the case for her. I agree that if you're already having so many doubts that you should just cut your losses now...better only two months in than two years, etc. Like I said before, the her avoiding visits speaks volumes to me. I would never turn down a chance to see my SO, and I'm sure all of us on here share the same sentiment.
Author giulio Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 hi, and thanks again... short update... yesterday she called and asked if I would be available next weekend because one of her friends has a birthday party and according to her... we could go... now the thing is that it's me who is supposed to make a sacrifice again and I guess she wanted to make sure I'll go next week, not now (so that I wouldn't end up with 2 consecutive visits) What I don't understand (or refuse to understand) is how can somebody (especially a woman) deal with the "missing factor" for 3 weeks especially knowing that we are "only" 2 hours apart... Later in the night we had a fight and I ended up accusing her that she doesn't really cares about our next meeting and that she has way too much priorities over the relationship... of course she was totally upset and started to give me arguments against this... I've asked her not to call me in the weekend, but later we agreed that this needs to be talked... I called her in the afternoon just to say hello but we were both kind of busy so I kept it short Now, despite the fact that in my opinion she's the one who needs to make things clear... she's not calling and Imo it's stupid if I call again... What's this reaction...? if I understand her and do all the good things... it's ok for her if I try to make her understand my pov ... not too much reaction if we fight ... she's the one who acts as if she would be upset
folieadeux Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 She's just being controlling and manipulative...if she doesn't get her way all hell breaks loose. Very childish on her part.
Author giulio Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 hi, my friend told me something similar... (he knows her) I tried so many things, I've made so many sacrifices ... well, she also did some but these reactions just simply drive me crazy... that you can't talk about problems and you can't care for what the other wants... I've started to even consider breaking up, because if things are going this way it will be more dissapointment than happyness on my side...
Author giulio Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 hello again, I'm posting again because there were some updates on the relationship... I should have expected this however... In the weekend it was scheduled that I will go to visit her. I did so. We went to a friend's birthday party and she acted somewhat distant and cold; I did the same so she gently "came closer" to me. It seemed to be ok. Then she began to be kind of sad and depressed. I've tried to find out what happened and tried to support her, but then she told me that we need to talk, the next day. I immediatly knew that It's about breaking up, so after we went home (different rezidence) I called her and said that if its about breaking up I don't want to talk it out, just go with it. Eventually in the end she came to my house to talk in person. We talked for about an our, I wasn't needy or desperate, jut wanted to find out what happened. According to her, and I believe that, it's because she can't handle the distance, ( she would need me in person every couple of days...) In the end I agreed to accept it and brought her home. She said she wants to keep in touch, that she's gonna miss me and doesn't want to loose whats between us. She cried... for the second time in our relationship and now she's sending me texts if I'm fine, if I'm ok at my apartment etc... The silly thing is that for another day I will be in her city... The question is, is there anything that can be done ? (because this stupid breakup is because of the distance, not that I did something wrong or she doesn't feel anything...)
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Nothing can be done unless youre moving closer to her. But dont be her friend, let her missyou and cut her off. She wants to break it off, give her a real break, she might reconsider when she cant talk to you, but dont count on it. She has checked out of your relationship, and most likely wont look back. Dontgive her a chance to. You step waaaay back, and give her nothing .. Its either 100% or nothing at all, She is probably looking at a new guy already and thats where the distance came from. So dont be friends with her while she is possibly looking at another guy. Make sure there is no contact between you two and watch how she reacts. Also, if you cut her of, it will be a good trauma on her emotions when she cant talk to you. When you stay friends with her, she gets a constant reminder of what turned her off about you.
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