**** I thought I was over this! (rant)

[Hules]

Ok for those that don't know me and my ex broke up in September when one day out of the blue she decided she couldn't be in a relationship. I started strict NC 2 days after the breakup and haven't looked back.

 

We have several mutual friends who I met through her. Anyway long story short I have been spending a lot of time hanging out with these mutual friends recently 2 in particular my ex's best friend lets call her Anna and her boyfriend Steve (he is studying the same field as me so we get along very well)

 

These two pursued friendship with me after the breakup because they didn't want to loose me as a friend because of what happened between me and my ex. I was hesitant at first but decided to give them a chance and well yeah they have become good friends.

 

Anyway why I'm writing about this?

 

Yesterday I was helping Steve with some course work he was having trouble with in the afternoon on campus. Anna had some stuff to do with her course and another mutual friend of ours so they went and did there thing.

 

Anyway Steve and I finished up the stuff we were doing. Anna's thing got delayed and ended up going a lot longer than expected. Anna was our lift home so anyway Steve and I went for a walk around campus and just talked about random crap.

 

Until suddenly he said "Sometimes I'm jealous that you are single." I could feel where this conversation was going tried to change the subject. He then asked if I had been seeing anyone else "I said I had been dating but nothing serious had come of it". Before I could ask why is he asking this all of a sudden he asked me "Have you spoken to <ex name here> since you guys broke up?".

 

To which I replied "No why would I she made up her mind and I respect her decision...."

 

(This is the first time anyone has even brought her up in conversation because I don't talk about her ever.)

 

He then told me the reason he brought this up was because me and him don't get to talk very much alone (when I'm with him its either with his GF or other mutual friends of my ex). He then told me that he thought I had handled the whole break up in a very mature manner and that if he had of been in my shoes he probably wouldn't have coped.

 

He then told me that my Ex has gone a bit fruity loop over the last several months. Whenever anyone mentions my name shes gets really upset, whenever she hears that I've been hanging out with mutual friends she starts crying. She is always talking to Anna about me and it's pissing Steve off.

 

She thinks I hate her because I haven't contacted her and thinks I'm trying to steal her friends as revenge for her dumping me (which I must stress these friends pursued me HARD.. I was very hesitant to remain friends with them).

 

Shes started dropping a lot of subjects at uni and is general mess....

 

I don't know this kinda make me sad because I thought she would of moved on by now, I just wanted her to be happy. :\

 

Don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid like contact her I've come to far for that. Just a bit sad that shes not doing well.

 

Any thoughts/comments?

[Denillad]

She made her choice n didn't look back. I'm happy your sticking to nc cause this isn't your choice n can pride or ego overshadow true love? I doubt it, unless it really isn't true. I hope ur heart heals and u find a love that will fight for you n do right by you. Even if it's her. Hang in there.

[smudge21]

That's a tough one, as like me, you're probably now thinking that you should help your ex - not in a way to get her back, but because you're a nice guy.

 

I don't know. I guess it all depends on how you are with her now. I mean, if you met her again, would all those feelings come back and would it destroy all your hard NC work of late? I'm not saying you should, but I'm saying that if you do try to help in any way, then you are opening that door for her to come back into your life, albeit just in a friend way.

 

I'd probably bring this conversation up with both Steve and Anna again and get her opinion on it all. Clearly you're in a better place then she is right now and you need to stay there, but I know if it were me, I'd be concerned about her. No matter how badly someone's treated me, I'd never want them to destroy their own lives over it. I know plenty on here would say "it was her decision, screw her, she made her bed" etc, and I can see that point. But if she really is on a self destructive course, and you can help, maybe you should.

 

Talk to her friends and get the full story before deciding on anything. But please remember that these issues may not be anything to do with you. So until you know the facts, stay nc.

[Ajax]

Sorry to hear that man. I also got dumped out of the blue last August, when as far as I could tell everything was going perfectly. I was introduced to my ex by my friend (her cousin) and am still quite close with that side of her family. In fact I'm going to be a groomsman in his wedding in October.

 

From what I've heard, her parents were pretty unhappy that she dumped me, and apparently she shut out her family and no longer shows up to family gatherings. So like yours, she went a bit "fruit loopy."

 

This past weekend her cousn was at my place and I brought her up. Turns out she has a new boyfriend... so that's that.

 

It's a tough situation for both of us. But I think that we need to remember that even though they're not happy without us, they weren't really happy with us either, and that's not our fault. Some people shut others out when they get too close, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's what your ex did.

 

Keep hanging in there. Stay strong and focus on dog what's right for you. She made her choice and she makes it again every day by not coming back saying she made a mistake. Live your life.

[Hules]

Ajax your situation is so similar to mine it is eerie, My ex is my best friends cousin I had never met her before last year. I'm basically like another son to my friends family I have known them all my life.

 

My ex hasn't spoken to my best friend since the break up, which is strange because they were somewhat close before the breakup.

 

I'm quite content with my life atm doing very well in most regards. I just don't like people suffering, especially when its someone I was once close too. At the end of the day though she made that decision, she treated me like trash. I honestly deserve better and I have no interest in contacting her or been her friend.

 

That been said I get no joy out of knowing that she is going downhill it just fills me with sadness. Not mourning for the relationship its more like someone I care about is in distress and I'm powerless to do anything.

 

Just needed to vent more than anything, thanks for the replies guys.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Hules

[ReturnToSender]

I dont think I would have them tell me the whole story and delve deeper into this. You know too much already (in my opinion) and its natural to feel sad because you do care about her, but she is not your responsibility.

 

Its been 6 months and she hasnt tried to contact you once since you went NC 2 days after your breakup? Yes, she may be torn up and going downhill, but she chose to break up with you, and she chose not to make any effort to make ammends or reach out to you in any way. Its not up to you to do it for her. Odds are if you do, it will just satisfy her need for reassurance and be what she needs to feel better, then drop contact with you leaving you worse off.

 

I say, keep doing what you are doing, and dont get into anymore convos about her. If your friend asks or tries to talk about her again, just say youd rather not talk about her. I think youre doing great, I wish I had your strength!!! Just keep moving forward.

[silvermane187]

She made her bed, now she has to lay in it. When I hear my ex is having a hard time after dumping me I don't feel sad or sorry for her, it makes me angry. Why should she act like a victim after getting what she wanted? If anything serious every happened to her I would be there for her, but having trouble dealing with a breakup that was 100% their decesion means they void any compassion from our ends.

[is2008]

I'm firmly in the same camp as silvermane... she made her bed, let her lie in it. Why should you be an emotional crutch to her when she was the one who didn't want the relationship? She's not your responsibility.

 

I've just read your story too... your first post reads "She said she had made up her mind and that there was nothing to talk about."

 

What more is there to discuss? You're starting to get to a good place in your recovery, why oh why would you hinder that progress?

 

There is a simple way for her to rectify her feelings. Beg for you back. Then it's up to you to decide what happens next. Til she begs keep your dignity.

[TryTryAgain]

But I think that we need to remember that even though they're not happy without us, they weren't really happy with us either, and that's not our fault. Some people shut others out when they get too close, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's what your ex did.

 

Wow, Ajax. That really hit home with me.

 

OP - I agree that you already know too much. I just wonder how you might feel if the news were the opposite and you found out she was dating someone new and was happy as can be. I know if I were in your shoes in that case, I would just tell the mutual friends not to bring it up, but that's just me. I commend you on the level of maturity you seem to be handling this with.

[J0N]

Hey man, I am in the same boat as you and Ajax. I got dropped out of the blue back in October. I am making strides forward in my recovery but whenever I hear any news about her life it kills me. Even things as simple as she went to a hockey game with some mutual friends and seemed totally normal, to she has been working out a lot. I have been very outward with my friends asking them to NOT TELL ME ANYTHING about her. I have one friend who keeps trying to explain how immature I am being by putting up a wall. He says I need to 'return to normalcy' but I just do not care. People never really understand where your coming from unless theyve experienced something like this.

[is2008]

Hey man, I am in the same boat as you and Ajax. I got dropped out of the blue back in October. I am making strides forward in my recovery but whenever I hear any news about her life it kills me. Even things as simple as she went to a hockey game with some mutual friends and seemed totally normal, to she has been working out a lot. I have been very outward with my friends asking them to NOT TELL ME ANYTHING about her. I have one friend who keeps trying to explain how immature I am being by putting up a wall. He says I need to 'return to normalcy' but I just do not care. People never really understand where your coming from unless theyve experienced something like this.

 

I can totally relate to this attitude. I do not want any updates on her life whatsoever. Even the smallest/most normal event sets me back. The thought is, how can she find the time to do x y z when she could have been using that time to fix the relationship?

 

Thankfully for me, we have no mutual friends as it was an LDR and the only way I'll get updates on her life is if I contact her or she contacts me.

 

Your behaviour is not irrational, you're merely protecting yourself from further hurt and trying your very best to move on in life.

[Kic]

If she's not seeing anyone else, then she may have ended it just to get her head above water in other areas. She's already dropping courses (parents just love when that happens), and she is likely irresponsible in other areas as well.

 

Everyone mourns a past relationship, even the dumper, and while some are vocal about it that doesn't mean they want you back. They'll feed off your sympathy, though! It's good that you seem to understand this.

 

This girl has a more serious set of problems and talking to her again would only be a distraction to her recovery, so you're doing the right thing for yourself and her by continuing to avoid contact.

[Hules]

I dont think I would have them tell me the whole story and delve deeper into this. You know too much already (in my opinion) and its natural to feel sad because you do care about her, but she is not your responsibility.

 

Its been 6 months and she hasnt tried to contact you once since you went NC 2 days after your breakup? Yes, she may be torn up and going downhill, but she chose to break up with you, and she chose not to make any effort to make ammends or reach out to you in any way. Its not up to you to do it for her. Odds are if you do, it will just satisfy her need for reassurance and be what she needs to feel better, then drop contact with you leaving you worse off.

 

I say, keep doing what you are doing, and dont get into anymore convos about her. If your friend asks or tries to talk about her again, just say youd rather not talk about her. I think youre doing great, I wish I had your strength!!! Just keep moving forward.

 

Yeah I agree, I'm not going to ask either of them about her. I think Steve's intentions were good and also I felt that he was blowing off some steam as having to deal with my ex has put some strain on his relationship with Anna.

 

I'm going to keep trucking along, don't you worry every time I have a moment of weakness I just think back to how I felt when she dropped me like a sack of **** in the most cold hearted voice I've ever heard. That's all the reassurance I need to not contact her.

 

Wow, Ajax. That really hit home with me.

 

OP - I agree that you already know too much. I just wonder how you might feel if the news were the opposite and you found out she was dating someone new and was happy as can be. I know if I were in your shoes in that case, I would just tell the mutual friends not to bring it up, but that's just me. I commend you on the level of maturity you seem to be handling this with.

 

Honestly if it had been the other way around I would of been fine I had accepted that she was probably with someone else already long ago, as I have been dating other people. I thought it would be stupid of me to think that she hadn't been dating at the least.

 

If anything was going to provoke a response out of me, it would be this sort of behavior. However as my best friend once described me "He has more patience and understanding than 99% of the people out there, but don't mistake that for him been a pushover if you do wrong by him. You will soon be seeing one of the most fiercely loyal, caring and honest people you have ever met, walking off into the distance without you."

 

Anyway thanks everyone I'm feeling a lot better all ready, I find when something is bothering me I just need to get it out somehow.

[Hules]

Well spoke to my best friend today over skype (ex's cousin, currently living overseas). He pretty much picked up straight away that something was bothering me (I'm pretty good at hiding my true feeling's when I want to, he always see's through it though, guess thats what happens when you know someone for over 20 years ).

 

So I told him about what happened with Steve, he told me that whilst he loves my ex and will always be there for her, he thinks that she is been incredibly immature in regards to handling this situation (trying to make our friends choose between me and her etc.) and needs to grow up. He told me that if she was in fact failing/dropping subjects that it would pretty much cripple her ability to function normally (from past experience).

 

He then told me she has always been a smart girl (academically), but sort of a dunce when it came to social situations (especially involving guys). She was also brought up in a insular environment (only child, I sensed somewhat overprotective parenting from the conversations I had with her folks).

 

He thanked me for the way I had handled everything and said I did everything I could of for her without going too far. He also said that he would come back home and kick me in the side of the head if I dare beat myself up about the state she is in atm.

 

This is nothing new to me I noticed that she was somewhat insecure when I started going out with her. About why I liked her and such and was worried I was going to get bored of her etc. I always reassured her that I really did in fact like her for who she was. I also sensed she had issues with the way she looked (she really is a pretty girl though, I was honestly surprised when I found out she was single).

 

I also noticed a worrying pattern of her rating her self worth based on academic achievements. She would always seem really down when she didn't get fantastic results and that it made her feel like a failure etc. I always tried to cheer her up by pointing out the other great things about her that she doesn't think were important.

 

This fear of failing academically wasn't helped by the fact the particular uni she is studying at has a mantra that if you don't get perfect results you are doomed to a life of failure and destitution for her particular course (Which I think is highly unethical, because I know its a load of bull****. I have several friends who did the same course and got ok grades and are making it fine. Unfortunately I think she really bought into this crap and believes it to be true).

 

I actually remember her telling me once that she is usually extremely stand offish and stubborn when it came to guys (red flag/ bad omen of what was going to come?) but then said she was really happy been with me.

 

Sometimes I wish I could change the type of girl I'm attracted too... they always seem to be Shy, Introverted (insecure?), Smart, Pretty (but don't know it). Almost like I'm looking for trouble...

 

These are things that I only really have noticed since I lost the rose tinted glasses. Well thats my rant for today.

[Hules]

Well feeling a lot better today, been talking to a girl online from OKC about last week and a half seems quite nice, seem to have a lot in common have talked to her on the phone and am meeting her next week for lunch.

 

There is however one problem. First I found out she is studying the same field as my ex so I thought to myself "ok fine whatever". Found out today shes actually at the same campus and studying the same course as my ex..... and I found out shes a mutual friend of one of my ex's closer friends on facebook (though not friends with my ex). I often see this mutual friend with Anna and Steve so this could end up been awkwardly annoying....

 

What are the bloody odds of that :|

 

Not even going to speculate on that one... will just focus on getting to know her and see what happens.

 

Why the hell does my private life have to be so ****ing complicated!!

Edited March 19, 2011 by Hules