ilikepasta Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hi everyone, I desperately need some advice and don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family because I'm too proud to admit that my relationship might be a farce. My boyfriend is attractive and works in a bar, so women flirt with him often. Last year there was a girl I thought he was spending a bit of time with and got a bit jealous, and then I looked in his phone and found very flirtatious text messages. He swore nothing had happened and that it was a cultural difference thing (he is from South America) and so I let it go. Anyway, he is always very strange with his phone - changes the passcode often, takes it with him to the bathroom etc. One night he was sleeping on top of it and I went to take it and we had a tug of war with it, and he had changed the passcode and wouldn't tell me what it was. I told him if he didn't tell me what had happened with his colleague we were over. He admitted that she had confessed she liked him, but he had told her nothing was going to happen. I was really angry that he hadn't been honest in the first place, seeing as it had happened six months before and I had continually asked him to tell me EVERYTHING that was going on with her, but I forgave him. The next day, still not trusting him, I logged into his facebook account and found messages between him and a different girl - who had RANDOMLY added him on facebook - arranging to meet up. Of course he had a story - this girl liked a friend of his, his friend had lost his phone, and so my BF was going to help the two of them get together. I was incredibly angry that he had been meeting up with this girl behind my back, especially since the pictures of her were all of low cut, short dresses etc. It turns out that she ALSO confessed that she liked him and he turned her down. Our relationship almost ended over it but again I decided he hadn't meant badly and so forgave him again. Last night I went through his phone records and found hundreds - or maybe thousands - of messages to this facebook girl, spanning about a four-month period and ending just last month. He swears nothing funny was going on, that he just saw her as a friend, but to be honest the amount of messages seems way too much for "just friends". What's more, he had her name saved under a MALE FRIEND'S name so that I wouldn't know he was messaging her (he blames this on her, says that it was her idea to save her name under a different name because his gf might get angry). I just can't believe he didn't come clean about the messaging last month when I told him he had to be honest about EVERYTHING or the relationship would be over. I can't work out if his behaviour is due to honestly not understanding what's appropriate, or if it's the kind of untrustworthiness that means our relationship can never really be worth anything. He swears they were just friends, that nothing weird ever happened, and I think I believe him. Am I stupid to do so?
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 You already know the answer to this, you just don't want to admit it. He is acting extremely inappropriately and he knows it. That is why he hides his phone. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. He is lying to you and completely disrespecting you and your entire relationship. How do you think he would react if you acted as he does? I'll tell you, you would be dumped faster than you can say "cultural differences". What, there's some kind of culture of cheating in South America that he feels is appropriate to bring into your relationship?? Give me a break! What a load of tosh! You need to RUN away from this lying, cheating a-hole.
Author ilikepasta Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 I am pretty sure that he is continuing to lie to me, but I just can't prove what any of the text messages said or that anything actually happened, and so it's so easy to get myself talked into staying. We live together which makes it so much harder. He has an explanation for everything - I found a facebook message where she was thanking him for a gift; he told me that the gift was a book and he gave it to her because she was going to do him a favour (track down a piece of jewellery on a holiday in Brazil so that he could give it to me later.) Because all the messages are gone, nothing can be proved either way except that he messaged her an inappropriate number of times. I just don't know what to do, he is begging and crying for me to stay and it's just so hard to leave when something comes as a shock like this
heartshaped Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Where there's smoke, there's fire. Even if he isn't cheating with any of these women, he's a pathological liar and you deserve better than someone who lies to your face for what has probably been the entirety of your relationship. But honestly, come on, you know he's cheating, you just don't want to face the truth. At any rate, if you don't end things, eventually, he'll either leave you for one of these other women or give you a STD. Neither are really attractive options. I'd get out now, get myself tested, and never ever speak to this man again.
TurboGirl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself but your heart know that this guy is no good. Cultural difference? My azz. He is playing around, and now you caught him, and he knows that you caught him. If you stay with him it will continue. You should not have to check your man's facebook account and cell phone!! You are better than that.
codycat Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hi everyone, I desperately need some advice and don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family because I'm too proud to admit that my relationship might be a farce. My boyfriend is attractive and works in a bar, so women flirt with him often. Last year there was a girl I thought he was spending a bit of time with and got a bit jealous, and then I looked in his phone and found very flirtatious text messages. He swore nothing had happened and that it was a cultural difference thing (he is from South America) and so I let it go. Anyway, he is always very strange with his phone - changes the passcode often, takes it with him to the bathroom etc. One night he was sleeping on top of it and I went to take it and we had a tug of war with it, and he had changed the passcode and wouldn't tell me what it was. I told him if he didn't tell me what had happened with his colleague we were over. He admitted that she had confessed she liked him, but he had told her nothing was going to happen. I was really angry that he hadn't been honest in the first place, seeing as it had happened six months before and I had continually asked him to tell me EVERYTHING that was going on with her, but I forgave him. The next day, still not trusting him, I logged into his facebook account and found messages between him and a different girl - who had RANDOMLY added him on facebook - arranging to meet up. Of course he had a story - this girl liked a friend of his, his friend had lost his phone, and so my BF was going to help the two of them get together. I was incredibly angry that he had been meeting up with this girl behind my back, especially since the pictures of her were all of low cut, short dresses etc. It turns out that she ALSO confessed that she liked him and he turned her down. Our relationship almost ended over it but again I decided he hadn't meant badly and so forgave him again. Last night I went through his phone records and found hundreds - or maybe thousands - of messages to this facebook girl, spanning about a four-month period and ending just last month. He swears nothing funny was going on, that he just saw her as a friend, but to be honest the amount of messages seems way too much for "just friends". What's more, he had her name saved under a MALE FRIEND'S name so that I wouldn't know he was messaging her (he blames this on her, says that it was her idea to save her name under a different name because his gf might get angry). I just can't believe he didn't come clean about the messaging last month when I told him he had to be honest about EVERYTHING or the relationship would be over. I can't work out if his behaviour is due to honestly not understanding what's appropriate, or if it's the kind of untrustworthiness that means our relationship can never really be worth anything. He swears they were just friends, that nothing weird ever happened, and I think I believe him. Am I stupid to do so? What do you think is going on? I think you already know, but you desperately don't want to believe it. Move on, find somebody else that you might feel more comfortable with.
Woman In Blue Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Sorry Pasta, there's not a poster on this board whose going to tell you what I know you want to hear. The simple truth is that the guy is a huge liar and constantly looking to get lucky. It's so obvious what he's up to that it's actually painful - that's how obvious it is to those of us standing back and looking impartially at your situation. Please, whatever you do, DON'T have kids with this man. You'll be guaranteed a lifetime of being tied to him in some way - whether it's chasing him for the next 21 years for child support or being stuck in a dead-end marriage to this horrific liar and cheater. And quite honestly, this is a gene pool you really don't want to stick your feet in ANYWAY, so PLEASE don't get pregnant. Hell, right about now, I wouldn't even touch the guy because God only knows what he's got. You can keep fooling yourself and believing his low-rent bullsh*it stories, or you can put your big girl pants on and admit you've made a horrible mistake. The good thing is that you can still get out unscathed but if you decide to stay instead, I hope you know you've signed up for years of heartache.
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