Lilmisus Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 You really need to confront him about this, and I don't mean just gently point it out. I mean, full on confrontation. This is very much an issue, especially since you guys don't spend a lot of time together as it is, and if you don't take control of it now, then you're just wasting your time with continuing to date him and not say anything. You said that you've seen his receipts, that you know his credit card bill; so collect it all, everything you can find, and put it together. Then, write out a financial game plan that you both can try to commit to and that is within range for both of you. That's including groceries, gas, going out, rent, paying off credit cards, etc. Keep a mental log of days/nights he goes out and when he gives you the excuses that he gives. This is all for proof when you confront him (so he can't deny it like he does) that what he's doing is a problem and tell him you need to work on it. Sit him down one day and tell and show him that you're tired if him giving you the excuse that he has to save his money when he's throwing it all away multiple times a week. If he denies it, tell him flat out that he's just denying the truth and that you're not going to put up with it anymore. Remind him that it hasn't always been this way, and that you want to help him save his money, but you can't be the only person he says no to. Show him whatever game plan that you work out, and tell him that it's just a rough draft but that if he wants to save his money like he claims to want to do, then he needs to help you write a real game plan and commit to it. Come up with a list of different things you can do together as a couple that saves money, and show him that by doing any of these things, that he'll be spending an incredible amount less than if he went out with his buddies instead that day. And while you're doing all this, tell him exactly how it makes you feel, don't hold anything back, with how he doesn't spend the time with you that you need him to spend. The way he's treating you is just wrong. It makes me assume that he doesn't find you worth his money and time or that he could possibly be cheating on you when he's "going out with his buddies" and spending all that money. But in the end, you need to make a sincere effort to work things out (especially since you live together and are talking marriage) before you can know for sure if this is a throw in the towel situation. Unless of course, he is cheating, then just dump his ass, but that's a completely different situation.
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 When my ex and I were still together, he once blew up at me for ordering a 2nd glass of wine at dinner. I really did feel awful about it until a few weeks later, while taking out a visiting friend, he spent about $1200 in bottle service... Hed complain how he lives in a crappy apartment and wants to be able to afford something better, then the next day go out and buy an "italian imported silk tshirt" for $100. Another time he bought a pair of $250 sneakers. He never ceases to amaze me. We didnt live together, so how he spent his money wasnt my business and just wow'ed me more than anything, but I really can see it and understand, some people are completely oblivious of exactly how they are spending their money and the effect on thier household/lifestyle. If we did live together, thats an issue Id have to confront, and in a way I think he needs that, someone else forcing him to be aware. He always says how he thinks its great how his mom took control of the finances in the house else his parents wouldnt have everything they do now. On the flip, I think hes scared of a woman moving in and doing the same to him cause he likes freely spending it the way he does. Anyway, dont pass it off as a wasted cause...at least try to talk to him, really calm and try not to put him on the defense, esp since it involves his man time/friends, etc and he might take it as an attack on them. Who knows..it might work.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) For the guys observing here, please understand that this thread represents a classic example of why you NEVER give access to your finances to your girlfriend… (that includes living with her too, IMO). OP mentioned not necessarily seeing all of the actual bank statements, but has a good feel for where his money goes based on her own observations. Did you guys see where the money went, according to OP? Did you see? I did… It went where it wasn’t suppose to go – to the stuff he wanted to buy. So what if he whines, so what if he complains about his credit card bill(s)… 1. It’s his money; 2. Like you said, he can very likely afford it. The point here is that the man can’t even order a couple latte’s a day w/o having to justify the damn expense. That’s RETARDED. Do you believe that he doesn't think about what you'll do or say if you caught him at Starbucks one day. You're creating cancer in your own relationship, whether you see it or not. Which is why I think you should FORGET the idea of marrying this guy and move on. Trust me, dear, that’s my advice; and I give it from a compassionate place. If you think for one second that this issue is going to magically disappear or this is something you’ll be able to compel him to change about himself, you’re sadly mistaken. Moreover, you WILL lose respect for him. Matter of fact, you already have. You loathe his management skills with money. You’re already questioning his fiscal discipline regarding his saving habits and what that means to you as his potential future wife. That much is clear. Do you think that has any affect on the health of your relationship at this point? YES! It does. If you become his live-in auditor, he will come to resent you in mere weeks. Unfortunately, here's the kicker: if you do drive him up a wall and he doesn’t have the balls to dump you because of it (despite your live in circumstances or whatever), that very likely means he’s weak enough for you to be able to force him to marry you. ...and God help you if that happens, because you know what happens to the woman that ties the knot with a man they don’t fully respect… I’ll tell you: they (the weak lil hubbies) get cheated on. I know, I know, it can't happen to you... Again, this post comes from a compassionate place. Unwind all your obligations together and bail, before you mess around and force him to propose to you... Edited March 16, 2011 by ConflictedGuy27
Ms. Joolie Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I honestly don't know if I would be happy having a companion and not a partner. But I might be willing to try it for a bit and see if I am or not. It's not like I'm deadset on having kids or getting married, or that my biological clock is ticking or anything. I like your attitude here! Just don't sell yourself short on a love life.
Lilmisus Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 For the guys observing here, please understand that this thread represents a classic example of why you NEVER give access to your finances to your girlfriend… (that includes living with her too, IMO). OP mentioned not necessarily seeing all of the actual bank statements, but has a good feel for where his money goes based on her own observations. Did you guys see where the money went, according to OP? Did you see? I did… It went where it wasn’t suppose to go – to the stuff he wanted to buy. So what if he whines, so what if he complains about his credit card bill(s)… 1. It’s his money; 2. Like you said, he can very likely afford it. The point here is that the man can’t even order a couple latte’s a day w/o having to justify the damn expense. That’s RETARDED. Do you believe that he doesn't think about what you'll do or say if you caught him at Starbucks one day. You're creating cancer in your own relationship, whether you see it or not. Which is why I think you should FORGET the idea of marrying this guy and move on. Trust me, dear, that’s my advice; and I give it from a compassionate place. If you think for one second that this issue is going to magically disappear or this is something you’ll be able to compel him to change about himself, you’re sadly mistaken. Moreover, you WILL lose respect for him. Matter of fact, you already have. You loathe his management skills with money. You’re already questioning his fiscal discipline regarding his saving habits and what that means to you as his potential future wife. That much is clear. Do you think that has any affect on the health of your relationship at this point? YES! It does. If you become his live-in auditor, he will come to resent you in mere weeks. Unfortunately, here's the kicker: if you do drive him up a wall and he doesn’t have the balls to dump you because of it (despite your live in circumstances or whatever), that very likely means he’s weak enough for you to be able to force him to marry you. ...and God help you if that happens, because you know what happens to the woman that ties the knot with a man they don’t fully respect… I’ll tell you: they (the weak lil hubbies) get cheated on. I know, I know, it can't happen to you... Again, this post comes from a compassionate place. Unwind all your obligations together and bail, before you mess around and force him to propose to you... It's his money? If they get married like they've talked about, then they have to work out their financial situations together. She needs to know now what she'd be getting into. His spending habits are very much her business, and the fact that he feels like he can freely spend his money and time everywhere else but to their relationship is a major issue. I support people spending their money where ever they want to without having to justify it and complaining all they want, but what's he doing about his spending that HE'S said needs to be cut down? Nothing. Only cutting out who should be the main person in his life: his girlfriend. If he made cuts from all his expenses, and actively tried to save money instead of just be stingy and selfish with it when it came to her, then I would support what you said, but he's not. What he's doing is wrong, and her not saying anything, and instead just poking around is wrong as well.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 ...or perhaps I'm not giving this guy enough credit. hmm... I mean, why whine about his credit card bills to YOU? What's the incentive? Would a guy do this with his buddies? Very likely not - he'd be immediately chastised. Would he do it to his boss? The whines would fall upon deaf ears and he'd look weak, now wouldn't he. Perhaps this guy's an excellent chess player. Perhaps he's whining to the chick he got to split the rent with him, buy the groceries, put out, and he doesn't even have to spend that much money on her. If the boyfriend is looking at OP like his personal ATM, that sort of fits, now doesn't it. You calculated all the moolah you spend on him; it's a nice chunk I must say... Is whining about the credit card bills that never seem to flux a way of getting YOU to pay for them? hmm... I wonder if he would whine about the amount of food in the place before you started buying groceries... I wonder if he would whine about his rent being too high before moving you up in there... I wonder if he's the one playing chess and you're the pawn. I almost missed that perspective. Food for thought OP; however, I still stand by my other posts.
sweetjasmine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 For the guys observing here, please understand that this thread represents a classic example of why you NEVER give access to your finances to your girlfriend… (that includes living with her too, IMO). This doesn't follow from the rest of your advice. Would it have been better for her and the guy to get married first without living together or knowing how they each manage their money and dealing with the financial train wreck then? How people deal with money is very important. I would never marry a man if I had no idea how he handled his money or if either one of us took issue with how the other managed finances.
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 For the guys observing here, please understand that this thread represents a classic example of why you NEVER give access to your finances to your girlfriend… (that includes living with her too, IMO). Read the whole thing and wow... Personally I believe that a relationship is a partnership. As a gf not living with a guy, I dont care how he spends his money like I mentioned. I wouldnt have even noticed how my ex spent his if it wasnt for it that on one hand hed complain about money, and on the other spent it the way he did. If we lived together, that would change though, because hes not in it for himself, we would be sharing our home and lifestyle together. I would take my bf and our life together into consideration in the things I do and spend money on, because I would want for us to have the best in life together. I guess especially since he admires what his parents have now, soley because his mom got a reign on his fathers spending, so that they were able to buy a house, a boat, go on vacations throughout the year..living very comfortably in retirement... All that yet he made more money than his dad did his entire career by the time he was 25 yet has nothing to show for it because he cant stop spending what he has on frivolous things. Still, to me its not a matter of grabbing onto the purse strings..I dont want control over anyones money but my own and would keep seperate accounts even if married (I tried joint accounts when I was married, and his spending freaked me out, so within 6mths I got my own bank acct and we managed our own cash) What I would want though is financial consideration towards our shared home, shared lifestyle, and mindfulness of our future. I dont think that is too much to ask for.
sweetjasmine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 If you don't need his money then it really isn't much of an issue. If you plan on sharing expenses, owning a home together, and raising children, it is "much of an issue." If you go into something with the explicit understanding that both people are going to contribute and one of them turns out to be unreliable, it's a problem. I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing what accounts to financial baby-sitting and irritating nagging because I happened to marry someone who likes to spend more than we have, since I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I'm conservative with my money and want someone who's on the same page. Insane, isn't it?
Lilmisus Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 If you don't need his money then it really isn't much of an issue. Not necessarily. Take for example my friend and her fiance: He'd always spend money on her saying he had more than enough and always said that he was fine with going out multiple times a week and buying her fancy things. She thought he was, but didn't need him to because she had a nice enough job to where she didn't have to be reliant off of him. A year after their engagement she found out that he was sinking in debt from all the money he spent on her and he claimed that she didn't have to worry about it "because it's not a woman's place to" yet his debt would be turned in THEIR bad debt after they got married. If you're planning on getting married or being serious with someone you need to know what their financial issues are (because their bad credit can easily make it to where you can't buy a house, car, get a loan, etc). Even if you don't need their money like you said, their bad habits can bring you down too, to where you are then responsible for their poor money decisions.
sweetjasmine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Sure. If that is your understanding. Again, if you don't need his money, I doubt you would concern yourself with such things. Do you understand the concept of partnership?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 This doesn't follow from the rest of your advice. Would it have been better for her and the guy to get married first without living together or knowing how they each manage their money and dealing with the financial train wreck then? How people deal with money is very important. I would never marry a man if I had no idea how he handled his money or if either one of us took issue with how the other managed finances. Yes, my sentiment followed through all of my advice. I advised her to reconsider marrying this guy. She's spotted red flags that I'd wager she'll do nothing buy complain about. I doubt it'll stop her from moving things closer and closer to marriage, but she forces it, that will fail. My advice remains.
sweetjasmine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Yes, my sentiment followed through all of my advice. I advised her to reconsider marrying this guy. She's spotted red flags that I'd wager she'll do nothing buy complain about. I doubt it'll stop her from moving things closer and closer to marriage, but she forces it, that will fail. My advice remains. Okay, let me rephrase. You advised men not to share anything financial with their girlfriends. You advised men not to live with their girlfriends for that reason. If the OP's boyfriend had taken your advice, would the couple have been better off getting married without either one of them knowing that finances would be an issue? I'm not taking issue with your advice to the OP. I'm taking issue with your advice to keep financials hidden from partners who you're serious about. That doesn't make any sense to me. If you want to avoid getting stuck in a marriage that's exactly like the OP's current relationship, you need to know what you're getting into, and that means sharing information about financials to some extent.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Read the whole thing and wow... Personally I believe that a relationship is a partnership. As a gf not living with a guy, I dont care how he spends his money like I mentioned. I wouldnt have even noticed how my ex spent his if it wasnt for it that on one hand hed complain about money, and on the other spent it the way he did. If we lived together, that would change though, because hes not in it for himself, we would be sharing our home and lifestyle together. I would take my bf and our life together into consideration in the things I do and spend money on, because I would want for us to have the best in life together. First of all, this is such an educational thread... wow. SO MUCH of the female perspective is just bursting from all over. I'm beginning to think that all single men would benefit by studying this thread. Look, living together is not marriage. I understand that in some States that recognize common law marriage (or if you live together for X number of years, perhaps there's an argument that you have some semblance of a marriage, whatever...), but it is not the same. You two aren't bound by anything more than 4 freaking walls. That's it... I don't know why women can't see/understand that concept. If we want a real commitment with you, we will marry you. If we want convenience, we will move you in (for those that are daring/stupid enough)... "Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free...?" we all remember this saying, don't we? That's all that setup is about - convenience. You get 1/2 off (or sometimes more) of your living expenses, AND you have quasi access to another person's income. Oh, and if you break up, guess what? no legalities to deal with besides maybe a real property lease and maybe a small claim over the dog... Sounds pretty damn convenient to me.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Okay, let me rephrase. You advised men not to share anything financial with their girlfriends. You advised men not to live with their girlfriends for that reason. If the OP's boyfriend had taken your advice, would the couple have been better off getting married without either one of them knowing that finances would be an issue? I'm not taking issue with your advice to the OP. I'm taking issue with your advice to keep financials hidden from partners who you're serious about. That doesn't make any sense to me. If you want to avoid getting stuck in a marriage that's exactly like the OP's current relationship, you need to know what you're getting into, and that means sharing information about financials to some extent. Wrong again... but I'll wait patiently, how's that? See the bolded part of your post above, you know the part I never said? Yup, that's the wrong part. I advised men not to allow access to their personal finances to their girlfriends. I didn't say that we should not share anything financial with our girlfriends... see the difference? Men shouldn't live with their girlfriends for many reasons, but yes, I do agree that the odds of financial spying increase when you both live under the same roof. Regarding the rest of your post, "...would the couple have been better off getting married without either one of them knowing that finances would be an issue..." Sigh... here we go again. I never said that people should get married WITHOUT knowing their potential spouses level of fiscal responsibility/habits. On the contrary, toots, you don't have to live with somebody to learn that... All you need to do is take a trip to the bank and review the statements, uh, sort of like OP is doing... She can do that whether she lives at her boyfriend's house, her house, or my house, so long as she has the documentation... You don't need to freaking live with somebody to make a clear and accurate assessment of the financial risks associated with marrying somebody. ...I need a drink. sheesh.
sweetjasmine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Wrong again... but I'll wait patiently, how's that? See the bolded part of your post above, you know the part I never said? Yup, that's the wrong part. I advised men not to allow access to their personal finances to their girlfriends. I didn't say that we should not share anything financial with our girlfriends... see the difference? Yes, I do, but the OP and her boyfriend aren't sharing access to their personal finances, meaning she doesn't have the ability to use his cards or access his accounts. But even if she weren't able to see his statements, she knows what his spending habits are like by observing his actions on a daily basis. My partner knows what I spend and where without having to look at any accounts or information. Men shouldn't live with their girlfriends for many reasons, but yes, I do agree that the odds of financial spying increase when you both live under the same roof. No need for spying in my situation. We file our statements in the same file cabinet, and he's asked me to crunch numbers for him and help with his budget. I'm not exactly worried about him stealing my checkbook and draining my bank account. If I were, I wouldn't be living with him. I never said that people should get married WITHOUT knowing their potential spouses level of fiscal responsibility/habits. On the contrary, toots, you don't have to live with somebody to learn that... All you need to do is take a trip to the bank and review the statements, uh, sort of like OP is doing... What's with the condescending attitude, toots? You don't need to freaking live with somebody to make a clear and accurate assessment of the financial risks associated with marrying somebody. No, you don't, but you need to share financial information in some way or another. He has to share his quarterly tax statements with you. Got it. Where is the romance in that partnership? I'll pass. Where's the romance in arguing about how she spent $400 on yet another pair of shoes when her $40,000 debt is sinking the entire family? Where's the romance in one partner nagging the ever-loving sh-t out of another for spending too much money on X and not enough on Y?
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 First of all, this is such an educational thread... wow. SO MUCH of the female perspective is just bursting from all over. I'm beginning to think that all single men would benefit by studying this thread. Look, living together is not marriage. I understand that in some States that recognize common law marriage (or if you live together for X number of years, perhaps there's an argument that you have some semblance of a marriage, whatever...), but it is not the same. You two aren't bound by anything more than 4 freaking walls. That's it... I don't know why women can't see/understand that concept. If we want a real commitment with you, we will marry you. If we want convenience, we will move you in (for those that are daring/stupid enough)... "Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free...?" we all remember this saying, don't we? That's all that setup is about - convenience. You get 1/2 off (or sometimes more) of your living expenses, AND you have quasi access to another person's income. Oh, and if you break up, guess what? no legalities to deal with besides maybe a real property lease and maybe a small claim over the dog... Sounds pretty damn convenient to me. And you know, Im glad you posted this because I do think that women should also be aware that there are guys out there who think the way that you do and treat relationships this way, not believing any commitment is real unless they are married. Its true, a man could be in a relationship, take the step to move in together, and see her as nothing more than just a convenient cow to share half the expenses with and the only thing binding him to her is 4 walls, that he can just move out of when they break up with her. But not all guys are like that. There are many who do have love and respect for thier gf, committed to and appreciate relationship they have together, and want the best for them as a couple. Thats the type of guy that Im talking about and referring to.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 It's his money? Yes. it is. If they get married like they've talked about, then they have to work out their financial situations together. She needs to know now what she'd be getting into. I like how you think; you used "if". I agree with this. His spending habits are very much her business, and the fact that he feels like he can freely spend his money and time everywhere else but to their relationship is a major issue. This is stupid... the man hasn't even proposed. If they were each others' fiance then perhaps your argument (that his spending habits are very much her business) would be strengthened. They aren't even engaged, therefore, I don't see any commitment from him demonstrating that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Till then, his spending habits are HIS business and his alone. I support people spending their money where ever they want to without having to justify it and complaining all they want, but what's he doing about his spending that HE'S said needs to be cut down? Nothing. Only cutting out who should be the main person in his life: his girlfriend. We disagree again, most notably at the bolded and underlined part. The most important person in his life should be himself. Look, he's single. He hasn't bought a ring, and according to OP, he has the means to save for one rather quickly but has chosen not to. Ever hear that dusty old saying "actions speak louder than words"? Well his actions tell me that spending hundreds of dollars on going out with the gang means more than saving for some engagement that very likely isn't going to happen... His actions; not mine. If he made cuts from all his expenses, and actively tried to save money instead of just be stingy and selfish with it What he's doing is wrong when it came to her, then I would support what you said, but he's not. , and her not saying anything, and instead just poking around is wrong as well. Again, we disagree... I hardly see a man spending his money as he sees fit as being stingy and selfish, nor do I see it as wrong. If they were married, or seriously considering marriage, I would jump on board and agree with your point of view. However, that's not he case. Know how I know that? Because (i) there is no ring; and (ii) there is no wedding date. Show me a guy that's committed to a date with a ring an engagement ring already on the chick's finger and I'll show you a man who's ACTUALLY serious about marriage.
Alma Mobley Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 OP, this isn't about money. It's about how your boyfriend no longer wants to spend time with you. Everyone is overlooking this and now derailing the thread about something irrelevant to your situation. He is using money as an excuse to not spend time with you. It's obvious. What pushes me beyond being hurt to being pissed off is that recently a friend asked him to go out for St. Patrick's Day and he was all about it and really wanted to go. I suggested that he and I could meet up at the bar after I was done with my stuff. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want to go out, because it's not in his budget. It was in his budget before I tried to meet up. How many times has this type of scenario played out?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 And you know, Im glad you posted this because I do think that women should also be aware that there are guys out there who think the way that you do and treat relationships this way, not believing any commitment is real unless they are married. Its true, a man could be in a relationship, take the step to move in together, and see her as nothing more than just a convenient cow to share half the expenses with and the only thing binding him to her is 4 walls, that he can just move out of when they break up with her. But not all guys are like that. There are many who do have love and respect for thier gf, committed to and appreciate relationship they have together, and want the best for them as a couple. Thats the type of guy that Im talking about and referring to. Don't make the assumption that because my glasses aren't rose colored that I somehow have some hard and fast rule against showing respect and love to women in my life that have earned either, or both. If that's what you've concluded, then you're pretty far the truth about me, love. Matter of fact, I see a man demonstrating more respect for a woman by NOT moving her in to be the proverbial "cow" that dispenses free milk and pays half of his living expenses. I like a woman with class; but I suppose my mindset has become a bit more old fashioned in that regard after having been burned myself by a live in situation. But hey, this is just one man's opinion.
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Don't make the assumption that because my glasses aren't rose colored that I somehow have some hard and fast rule against showing respect and love to women in my life that have earned either, or both. If that's what you've concluded, then you're pretty far the truth about me, love. Matter of fact, I see a man demonstrating more respect for a woman by NOT moving her in to be the proverbial "cow" that dispenses free milk and pays half of his living expenses. I like a woman with class; but I suppose my mindset has become a bit more old fashioned in that regard after having been burned myself by a live in situation. But hey, this is just one man's opinion. You know whats ridiculous, is that much of what youre saying I actually do agree with....except for the part where you berate people for not sharing your opinion, your negative descriptors, calling choices you dont agree with stupid and actually using the word "Toots" But....minus the strong emotion and colourful way you have of putting things, there much that I agree with: Something a friend told me which Ive found to be true is, if you want to know where a mans priorities lie, look to where he spends his money. I have lived with a man, and its nothing I would ever do again, not without an engagement in place first. Personal choice...I felt like I was just playing house and I wouldnt be comfortable with doing that again. All the same, I understand my point of view is just that, my point of view...just because Im not going to do that doesnt mean anyone who does it is being stupid. Im actually more reserved in my view regarding finances than you are...as I already mentioned, as a gf I dont think how he spends his money is any of my business, when I was living with my ex there was no full disclosure of our personal finances, as a wife I insisted on getting separate bank accounts since the way he managed our money was driving me crazy and from there I did not delve into my husbands spending habits nor he into mine. What matters to me is that the bills get paid and that he is as financially considerate towards our lifestyle and future as I am. If I dont see that as something that matters to him, then yes I take issue with that, because that pretty much leads back to my first point about where his priorities lie.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think everyone is waaay off here. The finances arent the problem. This guy knows what hes doing. Theres a bigger issie here, he is finding excuses to not be with his gf. he doesnt spend time with her at home, and he doesnt take her out, and he would rather hang with his friends EVERY night. He wants to be away from HER. His complaining about the finances are a diversion - probably not conciously, but he doesnt want to be around her. Probably doesnt like living with her and bieng around her so often, which is why he is taking her for granted. Mach, like someone else posted, not only do you have to stop spending money on all of the groceries, you need to go spend time with your own friends. The more you push to go out with him (when hed rather hang with his friends and spend that money) the more you push him away because now its nagging. You need to show him that you dont need him and he might start getting jealous. Thats the only thing to do. Youve obviously talked to him about this already and he isnt interested in fixing it. He needs to feel the pinch. Supporting him wont make him change. he probably wont change anyway, so you will have to move out regardless of the outcome.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I can see where your frustration lies. I think that, if you love him, you'd have to accept that you're living with a shallow cheapskate. Or you'll have to leave him. I doubt that he'll change, because it's a win-win situation. He's living the dream of a bachelor while also sharing the responsibility of a girlfriend. Either that, or invite yourself along to the events he's attending. If you're just sitting at home, because he'd rather party with his friends than spend money on you, then you're part of the problem.
tigressA Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think everyone is waaay off here. The finances arent the problem. This guy knows what hes doing. Theres a bigger issie here, he is finding excuses to not be with his gf. he doesnt spend time with her at home, and he doesnt take her out, and he would rather hang with his friends EVERY night. He wants to be away from HER. His complaining about the finances are a diversion - probably not conciously, but he doesnt want to be around her. Probably doesnt like living with her and bieng around her so often, which is why he is taking her for granted. Mach, like someone else posted, not only do you have to stop spending money on all of the groceries, you need to go spend time with your own friends. The more you push to go out with him (when hed rather hang with his friends and spend that money) the more you push him away because now its nagging. You need to show him that you dont need him and he might start getting jealous. Thats the only thing to do. Youve obviously talked to him about this already and he isnt interested in fixing it. He needs to feel the pinch. Supporting him wont make him change. he probably wont change anyway, so you will have to move out regardless of the outcome. Thank you. This is the real problem that needs to be addressed. It's clear he's using his financial situation as an obstacle to spending any time at all with the OP, which is a huge, huge red flag. I personally wouldn't be surprised if, instead of being out with his friends, he was out with other women.
Author machiavellian Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 OP, this isn't about money. It's about how your boyfriend no longer wants to spend time with you. Everyone is overlooking this and now derailing the thread about something irrelevant to your situation. He is using money as an excuse to not spend time with you. It's obvious. How many times has this type of scenario played out? This was the first time that happened. Mach, like someone else posted, not only do you have to stop spending money on all of the groceries, you need to go spend time with your own friends. The more you push to go out with him (when hed rather hang with his friends and spend that money) the more you push him away because now its nagging. You need to show him that you dont need him and he might start getting jealous. Thats the only thing to do. Youve obviously talked to him about this already and he isnt interested in fixing it. He needs to feel the pinch. Supporting him wont make him change. he probably wont change anyway, so you will have to move out regardless of the outcome. I do things with my friends. Usually he's OK with it, but if he doesn't have plans with his own friends he gets annoyed by it. Thank you. This is the real problem that needs to be addressed. It's clear he's using his financial situation as an obstacle to spending any time at all with the OP, which is a huge, huge red flag. I personally wouldn't be surprised if, instead of being out with his friends, he was out with other women. Probably everyone says this, but I would be surprised to find out he was out with other women.
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