BF won't spend money going out with me

[machiavellian]

I feel silly for posting this, and I'm not convinced there's a solution to this, so I guess I'm just venting.

 

I'm really disappointed and hurt that my bf rarely spends money to go out with me anymore.

 

Every month he gets his credit card bill and says that he really needs to start cutting back on his spending. His bill is roughly the same amount every single month that it has been the entire time I've known him. The Christmas bill is understandably a little larger than a normal statement.

 

Every month he says we need to start eating at home more and drink less, and cut back on this that and the other. (On a side note, this irritates me because it makes me feel like he's implying that I am the reason his bill is always so high.)

 

I will try to get him to go to a movie with me, or out to dinner, offer to pay, etc. and he still says no (I assume this is because I really don't have a lot of extra money to spend).

 

All of that wouldn't bother me, but here's the catch:

• He goes out to lunch with friends 5 days a week
  
• He goes out drinking with his friends (not me) on average 3 times a week
  
• He goes out to dinner with his friends (not me) on average 4 times a week
  

Plus has a few other "large" social expenses a couple times a month, such as going snowboarding, going out of town for a long weekend, etc. (flights or gas, hotels, etc.).

 

If someone else asks him to do something he never says no, which is why he spends all this money. When he whines about his credit card bill, I've tried to gently suggest that possibly going out with his friends all the time is one cause that he could easily cut back on and he consistently responds that he hardly ever goes out.

 

What pushes me beyond being hurt to being pissed off is that recently a friend asked him to go out for St. Patrick's Day and he was all about it and really wanted to go. I suggested that he and I could meet up at the bar after I was done with my stuff. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want to go out, because it's not in his budget. It was in his budget before I tried to meet up.

 

He and I go out together maybe once a month. The rest of the time he is too busy racking up his credit card bill socializing with his friends.

Edited March 15, 2011 by machiavellian

[ConflictedGuy27]

its great you recognize that there is no solution (you can implement) to change his behavior.

 

clearly you have a decision to make:

 

1. leave him; or

2. accept the way he is & stay.

 

if you chose option two, do everyone a favor and don't give him any lip. after all, option one's right there.

 

it's very simple, love.

if you don't like what you've got, bail... if you stay, you forefit your right to bitch about it.

[machiavellian]

And I buy all of our groceries (about $150/wk) so there's a $600 a month expense that he now spends on other things.

[brainygirl]

Either he's completely unaware of his spending habits, or he's a cheap b------d who is sending you a not so subtle message about where you fit in his priorities.

 

If you live together, I'd stop buying groceries and turn off the cable. When he complains explain that you are cutting back on expenses so you can afford to go out.

[Duckduckgoose]

Either he's completely unaware of his spending habits, or he's a cheap b------d who is sending you a not so subtle message about where you fit in his priorities.

 

If you live together, I'd stop buying groceries and turn off the cable. When he complains explain that you are cutting back on expenses so you can afford to go out.

 

Stop buying /his/ groceries that is. Keep buying your own food.

[Nexus One]

And I buy all of our groceries (about $150/wk) so there's a $600 a month expense that he now spends on other things.

 

That's more than enough compensation for him to cover the costs of a few movie tickets. It's possible that he's being really frugal though and that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you in his mind.

[musemaj11]

I was about ready to call u a gold digger until you mentioned that you spend more money on him.

 

That guy is a selfish bastard.

 

Give to someone as much as that person is willing to give back. Don't use others and don't let others use you.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds like he treats his other social events as special occasions, but doesn't see spending time with you regularly as a special occasion. I can *kinda* see his point, especially given that you live together.

 

Sounds to me like you two need to start dating each other again, as in "date nights." Otherwise, it's easy to take each other for granted.

[Taramere]

And I buy all of our groceries (about $150/wk) so there's a $600 a month expense that he now spends on other things.

 

I think that if you don't want to split up with him then the best solution is to start leading fairly independent lives under the same roof. Make sure you're paying your share of other household bills, buy and cook food only for yourself - and use the money you're saving on food to treat yourself/go out with your friends.

 

The likely outcome of that is probably that he'd either be happy with the new situation and manage to muddle along with the extra cost getting his own food sorted out entails, or he might throw a tantrum and ditch you...or, if he's any kind of adult, he might accept that the party's over and it's time to afford you a bit of the consideration and respect he's prepared to extend to his friends.

[Untouchable_Fire]

And I buy all of our groceries (about $150/wk) so there's a $600 a month expense that he now spends on other things.

 

Couple points to consider.

 

When I go out with my friends dinner = $10... when I take my GF dinner = $30.

 

Also... if he goes out as much as you say... how can he think he doesn't? That simply doesn't make sense. Count the exact number of times he eats out each week for a month, then average it.

 

I routinely sacrifice time with friends to take out my GF, because she is fun... actually more fun than my friends most times. How much fun are you?

?

[machiavellian]

I was about ready to call u a gold digger until you mentioned that you spend more money on him.

 

 

I know you qualified this, but in case others come to that conclusion, I would like to clarify that I don't care if he doesn't have money to go out (whether or not he pays for me); I would be perfectly happy hanging out at home with him, going to a free museum, or other free/inexpensive things. It just gets to be a problem when he goes out frequently with his friends, but then when I ask him to do something he's "trying to save money". Sometimes it's so blatant as I ask him to do something, he declines, and the very next night "I forgot to tell you, I'm going out tonight with my buddies, see ya later."

 

And then when he's home and we could be doing something together - even just watching tv together!! - he's on his computer or something, instead of actually spending time with me. I'm just throwing that in there, because some people are probably thinking he just wants to get away sometimes because we spend so much time together. Trust me, we don't.

 

I think that if you don't want to split up with him then the best solution is to start leading fairly independent lives under the same roof. Make sure you're paying your share of other household bills, buy and cook food only for yourself - and use the money you're saving on food to treat yourself/go out with your friends.

 

The likely outcome of that is probably that he'd either be happy with the new situation and manage to muddle along with the extra cost getting his own food sorted out entails, or he might throw a tantrum and ditch you...or, if he's any kind of adult, he might accept that the party's over and it's time to afford you a bit of the consideration and respect he's prepared to extend to his friends.

 

I like this. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[machiavellian]

Couple points to consider.

 

When I go out with my friends dinner = $10... when I take my GF dinner = $30.

 

Also... if he goes out as much as you say... how can he think he doesn't? That simply doesn't make sense. Count the exact number of times he eats out each week for a month, then average it.

 

I routinely sacrifice time with friends to take out my GF, because she is fun... actually more fun than my friends most times. How much fun are you?

?

I know my bf, and I know his habits (and his friends'). I also see his receipts and credit card bills. I know that when he goes out with his friends dinner is $120 - $300. When he goes out with me dinner is $40 - $70 (I don't drink a lot, and we go to less expensive places). When he and I drink together it's a similar story. He spends hundreds of $ on a night out with his friends. When he is out with me he spends a lot less - we take turns picking up the expensive tabs, or if it's just a couple drinks we take turns buying rounds, AND he drinks less when he is out with me.

 

If you knew my bf you would not be surprised that he doesn't realize how much he goes out. I think when he says that he doesn't go out that much, what he means is "I don't get as wasted as often as I used to". By last Friday the 11th he had eaten breakfast out 9 days, eaten lunch out 11 days, eaten dinner out 6 days, and gone out drinking 6 days. And at least one of those days he bought dinner for 2 other people.

 

Your last point: trust me, I have wondered what has changed that this is the way we are now.

Edited March 15, 2011 by machiavellian

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know my bf, and I know his habits (and his friends'). I also see his receipts and credit card bills. I know that when he goes out with his friends dinner is $120 - $300. When he goes out with me dinner is $40 - $70 (I don't drink a lot, and we go to less expensive places). When he and I drink together it's a similar story. He spends hundreds of $ on a night out with his friends. When he is out with me he spends a lot less - we take turns picking up the expensive tabs, or if it's just a couple drinks we take turns buying rounds, AND he drinks less when he is out with me.

If you knew my bf you would not be surprised that he doesn't realize how much he goes out. I think when he says that he doesn't go out that much, what he means is "I don't get as wasted as often as I used to". By last Friday the 11th he had eaten breakfast out 9 days, eaten lunch out 11 days, eaten dinner out 6 days, and gone out drinking 6 days. And at least one of those days he bought dinner for 2 other people.

Your last point: trust me, I have wondered what has changed that this is the way we are now.

 

Seriously... if it's just as you say... that doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Last week I bought dinner for my GF and her WHOLE FAMILY 15 people.

 

If he is so stupid he doesn't know where his money is going... Ugh! What a tard.

 

Just imagine having to beg him for $20 to buy a new pair of shoes for his kid. He would probably complain for months about it.

[ConflictedGuy27]

OP, I don't get you...

 

you're complaining about a situation you're volunteering for...

 

am I the only one in here that feels they're taking crazy pills??

if you don't like it, leave him.

 

any comments on that sentiment??

 

I mean this in all seriousness because you sounded so rational out the gate, i.e. you recognized that you do not have the power to change his behavior.

 

you plummeted down hill from there...

[O'Malley]

Your last point: trust me, I have wondered what has changed that this is the way we are now.

 

It sounds though he is now in his comfort zone -- he feels he no longer has to impress you by going on outings or making an effort to spend time with you. It's not about finances. The second part really calls into question how much more effort you should be contributing to this situation.

 

Until you're ready to make a decision, adopt Taramere's idea of only paying your share of the expenses -- it will make his overall attitude towards your relationship that much more clear to you.

[machiavellian]

Seriously... if it's just as you say... that doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Last week I bought dinner for my GF and her WHOLE FAMILY 15 people.

 

If he is so stupid he doesn't know where his money is going... Ugh! What a tard.

 

Just imagine having to beg him for $20 to buy a new pair of shoes for his kid. He would probably complain for months about it.

Mercurial is the perfect word to describe his personality. He really doesn't know where his money goes. Because he's always whining about his credit card bill, I went over it with him a couple times, trying to explain to him where his money goes (as someone who lives on a budget, I know where his money goes just by observing, without having to see it on paper). Buying Starbucks 2-3 times a day adds up, and so do all the other things - I think the real reason he doesn't do anything to curb his spending is that be can afford it, which is what makes his whining even more annoying. It's not as though he's spending money that he doesn't have or can't afford to spend. He just hates seeing the total at the end of the month (he uses his credit card for everything. Literally.).

 

OP, I don't get you...

 

you're complaining about a situation you're volunteering for...

 

am I the only one in here that feels they're taking crazy pills??

if you don't like it, leave him.

 

any comments on that sentiment??

 

I mean this in all seriousness because you sounded so rational out the gate, i.e. you recognized that you do not have the power to change his behavior.

 

you plummeted down hill from there...

1. We've been dating awhile, and this situation is relatively new.

2. I think I'm allowed to vent, and respond to other posts. I need to work out all this. Maybe the answer is to break up. On the other hand, I might be just as happy saying "do what you will", stopping to pay for some of the things I do, stop taking care of him, and do the same as he does.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Mercurial is the perfect word to describe his personality. He really doesn't know where his money goes. Because he's always whining about his credit card bill, I went over it with him a couple times, trying to explain to him where his money goes (as someone who lives on a budget, I know where his money goes just by observing, without having to see it on paper). Buying Starbucks 2-3 times a day adds up, and so do all the other things - I think the real reason he doesn't do anything to curb his spending is that be can afford it, which is what makes his whining even more annoying. It's not as though he's spending money that he doesn't have or can't afford to spend. He just hates seeing the total at the end of the month (he uses his credit card for everything. Literally.).

 

Oh... I hate people like that.

 

I could afford to spend 2 or 3 thousand a month with my friends too, but I don't.

 

I plan to take a 2 month trip with my GF in about 10 months... so I've been saving for that.

[Taramere]

OP, I don't get you...

 

you're complaining about a situation you're volunteering for...

 

am I the only one in here that feels they're taking crazy pills??

if you don't like it, leave him.

 

any comments on that sentiment??

 

Steady on there. It's not just a dating situation. She lives with the guy. Unless they're living in M's home, (I'm just guessing that it's a shared rental, but who knows?) your advice that she leave him means she's the one who has to find a new place (or find emergency accommodation in the interim) put up a deposit for the rent, first month's rental etc. I don't think you're considering her welfare or interests at all. It's more like you're taking the opportunity to play out some fantasy of telling a woman to like it or lump it because things aren't going to change.

 

The point of this site is that people outline difficulties they're having in relationship, and get an opportunity to mull them over with other people's input. It may well be that Machiavellian will discover that taking a leaf out of her boyfriend's book and doing her own thing for a while will suit her better than it would suit her to split up, go through the stress of uprooting herself etc.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Taramere

[machiavellian]

Oh... I hate people like that.

 

I could afford to spend 2 or 3 thousand a month with my friends too, but I don't.

 

I plan to take a 2 month trip with my GF in about 10 months... so I've been saving for that.

 

Thank you!! It drives me INSANE that he can't seem to save!! It's something that's not really an issue, in the sense that he can afford it, but it's like, why do you have to blow everything you have?? And then complain about it?! Sure it's great that you know you'll be getting $10K as a bonus (or whatever, that's just an example), but do you seriously have to then come up with some way to blow it on something?

 

He says that he wants to get married...but rings are so expensive...um...THEN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY ON STUPID CRAP?!

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm going to suggest a really radical and crazy idea. How about talking to him and telling him how you see things and how his spending habits make you feel. Be sure to assure him that it's not about the money per se but how he treats you in relation to his friends and others.

[Ms. Joolie]

He sounds extravagant in his petty purchasing. It makes me wonder if he's good at saving. And outside of the money realm, I also wonder how well he is treating you, OP.

 

If you two are going to be living independently and selfishly, what's the point? Cheap sex? Well maybe not for you if you keep buying the groceries.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you!! It drives me INSANE that he can't seem to save!! It's something that's not really an issue, in the sense that he can afford it, but it's like, why do you have to blow everything you have?? And then complain about it?! Sure it's great that you know you'll be getting $10K as a bonus (or whatever, that's just an example), but do you seriously have to then come up with some way to blow it on something?

He says that he wants to get married...but rings are so expensive...um...THEN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY ON STUPID CRAP?!

 

Seriously... I decided that I might want to propose 3 years ago... I saved $6,000 for a ring in 2 months.

 

The issue is that not saving is a big problem. Paying interest on items like cars, houses, jet skis, couches... ect... is very rough on your cashflow.

 

Also, selfish spending is a big deal. My xGF spent... at least $2,000 a month on spa treatments and massages... would not even put on a pair of shoes worth less than $100. I paid for everything we did together because I "made more"...

 

With a personality you describe as mercurial... good luck. I could not love someone who acted like that again!

[Mme. Chaucer]

He sounds very selfish and oblivious to you.

 

Also sounds like the two of you have a compatibility issue about how money is handled.

 

I second the advice of Taramere; I think you ought to separate your financial lives as much as possible. That won't help the emotional aspect of the effect it has on you that he prioritizes all the other stuff to use money on ahead of the two of you together. That would be very hard to deal with.

[machiavellian]

I'm going to suggest a really radical and crazy idea. How about talking to him and telling him how you see things and how his spending habits make you feel. Be sure to assure him that it's not about the money per se but how he treats you in relation to his friends and others.

I have brought it up. I can't talk to him about it, because when I bring it up his only response is that he "almost never" goes out anymore.

 

He sounds extravagant in his petty purchasing. It makes me wonder if he's good at saving. And outside of the money realm, I also wonder how well he is treating you, OP.

 

If you two are going to be living independently and selfishly, what's the point? Cheap sex? Well maybe not for you if you keep buying the groceries.

It's like, he does have X amount in savings (which never seems to grow), plus retirement, and so on...and he has money to spend on anything he wants to spend it on, for the most part...but he could save so much more if he just cut back a teeny tiny bit. Even his savings he is constantly talking about investing in one thing or another.

 

I honestly don't know if I would be happy having a companion and not a partner. But I might be willing to try it for a bit and see if I am or not. It's not like I'm deadset on having kids or getting married, or that my biological clock is ticking or anything.

 

Seriously... I decided that I might want to propose 3 years ago... I saved $6,000 for a ring in 2 months.

 

The issue is that not saving is a big problem. Paying interest on items like cars, houses, jet skis, couches... ect... is very rough on your cashflow.

 

Also, selfish spending is a big deal. My xGF spent... at least $2,000 a month on spa treatments and massages... would not even put on a pair of shoes worth less than $100. I paid for everything we did together because I "made more"...

 

With a personality you describe as mercurial... good luck. I could not love someone who acted like that again!

Every once in awhile I get annoyed or mad, because I have to be so careful what I spend my money on. It's very frustrating sometimes dating someone who says one thing, does another, denies ever saying the one thing...or who says one thing, then the next day says the opposite..and claims that he never seriously thought about the first thing...

 

Sometimes I wish "you make more" was an acceptable reason for him to always treat me

[machiavellian]

Nope. You are not the only one.

 

Unless I missed it (someone can point it out) I didn't see where they were living together.

 

It is his money. He can do whatever he likes with it without approval from you. It also seems like you are hinting for him to give up his friends too! What's next?

 

So what you buy groceries. Did he ask you to? Stop doing it.

 

Option one is pretty reasonable. If this behavior is unacceptable for you, leave.

Yes, we are living together.

 

Yes, it's his money, and for the most part, he can spend it how he wishes. I have an issue with his whining, every single month, about how much money he spends and how he needs to stop, and implying that it is my fault - there are many easy ways he can stop spending so much money, and it is not my fault - he hardly spends any money at all on me. I don't like being the scapegoat for HIS spending habits.

 

I am also not hinting that he give his friends up. I just have an issue with his going out almost every single night with his friends, and then telling me that he is "trying to save money" so he can't go to the movies with me...even when I say I will pay for us both.