That_girl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Hi there, I have been a dating a man for a while now and although I do think Im in love with him. Im unsure whether or not im in a controlling, abusive relationship. Some of my more recent posts describe the situation im in at the moment. Basically, he cheated at the beginning of our relationship, i broke up with him, he did everything in his power to get me back and eventually I went back. All of my friends say he has issues with control, but I dont see it. I was in a physically abusive relationship when I was about 18. Now that Im 25, Im still having trouble determining if this man has the potential to abuse me at some point. The other day we got into an argument, and he punched the inside of his hand with his fist- HARD. It did startle me, but I dont think that he would actually punch ME. He also got into a physical altercation with some guys at a nightclub on the weekend because one of them ACCIDENTALLY pushed me. It didnt hurt at all, and the guy apologized, but my boyfriend proceeded to start an argument even after I begged him not to. He also hits himself a lot jokingly, but I find it weird more than scary. Also, this is slowing turning into an emotionally abusive relationship on both parts. I often wonder whether he will cheat again, which of course leads to arguments. And he definitely makes it seem like he is dissatisfied with me. I dont want to hang out with his friends enough, I dont love him enough, I dont want to see his family enough, I dont treat him as a priority enough, etc. He does alot for me. Some might say too much. Like if I have to go to the doctor, he will call for me and make the appointment if Im at work or busy. He even cleans my shoes for me or the spot on my dress for example if Im late for work. Apparently, this is a warning sign for future bad behaviour....in that he is tryin gto make me feel totally dependent on him so that Ill be less likely to leave. Its hard to imagine that those are his intentions when he is doing all of these nice things, but I seen him bring up these things later when he is arguing about how little I do for him. I dont know what to do. I love this man. I want things to work out because he is so much fun to be with and is incredibly caring and thoughtful. But alot of the time I feel insecure and I have to wonder if what my friends are saying is true, and that one day he will try to control my every move and may even physically harm me. I dont want to let him go on the assumption that he is going to hurt me.
spice4life Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 How long have you been in the relationship with him? If you have a feeling in your gut that he will hurt you then LISTEN to it. A woman's intuition is never wrong. From what you have posted, this guy sounds like he is a loose cannon. He's punching his hand and getting aggressive with people at bars? Those would ALL be major red flags to me. If it were me, I would run and not look back.
Cracker Jack Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Based on everything you've mentioned, I honestly believe it's a controlling relationship with a great chance of abuse entering the relationship a bit down the line. He just sounds like he has some issues to deal with--and you're likely in no position to help him deal with it. He wants you to do everything his way, and basically throws it in your face when you don't. You're not hanging with his friends enough? Come on. Not a woman, so I could be way off here.
brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who hits themselves in the head. I work with Emotionally Disturbed kids, and thats a big behavior we deal with. As to making appointsments for you . . . that seem nice, but it also makes you dependent on him to do simple things you should do yourself. I'd be worried or at least wary.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Listen to your gut. You see little red flags flying around but you say "but I love him and want to be with him.." Just because you love him doesn't mean you two should be together.
blueskyday Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) Been here. Done this. I would be very concerned. This is how my abusive ex was. Of course, it escalated from punching his own fists to punching walls, and then worse. How he treats others will be how he treats you. Cheating is also a huge red flag. Many abusive men do that, too. In a nut shell, abusive men treat women as objects, not real people with thoughts and feelings to respond to. Do you feel like you are always explaining yourself and he doesn't get it? Do you feel like he doesn't "see" you or care about your feelings? Does he have any empathy for you (not himself!)? I can't tell you what to do, but I can advise you to google abusive men and see how he matches up. Bottom line, if you feel insecure and knocked off center, then that's a bad sign...So many times we give the guy we care about good intentions, or we make excuses for them. As in, "they had a bad day." Bullsh#t.... Edited March 16, 2011 by blueskyday grammar
Author That_girl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Thanks, really appreciate the info. Was looking through abusive men warning signs online and I feel like every guy meets some of the criteria for the "abusive man" profile at some point. While my guy meets more than one of these traits, he doesn't do this stuff all the time. And he isn't mean or nasty.....yet. He doesn't call me names or beat me. But I do feel like a lot of the time, he doesn't get me at all. More recently, I've felt that now that I've taken him back after the cheating...he's just not trying to impress me or do thoughtful things for me like he used to. It's like I'm not a challenge anymore. I didn't expect the extreme gestures to go on forever....but now I'm kind of upset that he thought I was going to be so easily appeased by the few months of pleading that he did. What I'm trying to figure out is what I should do next. I don't know if he is the best match for me, but he has already made me feel so dependent on him. So just dump him...just like that??
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 As I usually do, I look at a poster's past history to get a bigger picture of their situation, if it's available. Please return to your own posting history and read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247820/ It seems clear that you have ALWAYS known, and had plenty of evidence that the man you're involved with IS controlling and that the two of you have a sick relationship. You haven't been together very long. I don't think there is a shred of evidence that things will ever be good between you. Most important, I think that if you reread your threads you will not be able to deny this today. I'm sorry, but I can only tell you to break up with this person, and that I hope you will get into counseling before you enter another relationship so you'll have a good chance of creating a healthy one, with a healthy partner.
Author That_girl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 As I usually do, I look at a poster's past history to get a bigger picture of their situation, if it's available. Please return to your own posting history and read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247820/ It seems clear that you have ALWAYS known, and had plenty of evidence that the man you're involved with IS controlling and that the two of you have a sick relationship. You haven't been together very long. I don't think there is a shred of evidence that things will ever be good between you. Most important, I think that if you reread your threads you will not be able to deny this today. I'm sorry, but I can only tell you to break up with this person, and that I hope you will get into counseling before you enter another relationship so you'll have a good chance of creating a healthy one, with a healthy partner. So what you are saying is that I am sick too? I had a healthy relationship with a healthy partner....about a year ago. It was the longest real relationship I've ever had. And he dumped me because I cheated on him and he was never able to truly forgive me. I guess karma really does have a way of rearing its ugly head because I'm kind of in the same situation now with this guy. I wanted to take him back and move foward because I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Especially when I know what it's like to be the cheater. I guess I have to straighten myself out first too. I'm very unhappy with my own life and I have tried counselling but I didn't like the therapist and just kind of gave up. I know there are others, but I just felt hopeless at the time. I have a lot of my own issues. And I have a HUGE fear of being alone. I do live on my own too and my family all live quite far. So essentially, maybe the problem here is ME.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 From my reading of your past threads, I do think you have some issues to resolve. If you didn't I don't think you would have cheated on your ex, you wouldn't be terrified of being alone and I don't think you would have been accepting ANY of this current guy's crap from the very beginning. Just to be clear, I have not read every thread of yours so there might be stuff I am mistaken about, but my overall impression is pretty clear.
Author That_girl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 I don't think you're too far off. I do have issues...I'm pretty self-aware. The hard part is that I have trouble making decisions, particularly the right ones. Intuitively, I know that I need to break up with him. It's probably the first step I need to take in order to resolve all of the other issues that I have. But the hard part is actually putting that plan into action.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I don't think you're too far off. I do have issues...I'm pretty self-aware. The hard part is that I have trouble making decisions, particularly the right ones. Intuitively, I know that I need to break up with him. It's probably the first step I need to take in order to resolve all of the other issues that I have. But the hard part is actually putting that plan into action. Probably the first step is to break up with this guy, and the second is to resolve to go through some time without getting into another relationship. Best of luck! Do it before the controlling / anger / problems escalate, please.
SingVoice Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 GET OUT NOW!!! Seriously...reading your post was like reading about my ex. You know why you are confused? Because he has beaten you down emotionally...made you feel like it's your fault...so that you don't see that HE is the problem. Like an idiot...I dumped mine and went back time and time again...until the last time when I realized that I wasn't the problem (after trying EVERYTHING in my power to fix myself). Any man who uses violence to scare you has issues...whether or not he actually HITS you...he is still abusing you. Seriously....dump him. PLEASE
Imajerk17 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 So what you are saying is that I am sick too? I had a healthy relationship with a healthy partner....about a year ago. It was the longest real relationship I've ever had. And he dumped me because I cheated on him and he was never able to truly forgive me. I guess karma really does have a way of rearing its ugly head because I'm kind of in the same situation now with this guy. I wanted to take him back and move foward because I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Especially when I know what it's like to be the cheater. Well, but you didn't have a healthy relationship. You weren't right, and you cheated. You gotta look at what made you do it. When you started dating your current, there was something about his flaws that comforted you. And when you were in a relationship with your (supposedly healthy) ex, there was something about his ways that didn't work for you. Some people don't feel it's love unless their partner has unhealthy boundaries too.
Imajerk17 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Well, but you didn't have a healthy relationship. You weren't right, and you cheated. You gotta look at what made you do it. When you started dating your current, there was something about his flaws that comforted you. And when you were in a relationship with your (supposedly healthy) ex, there was something about his ways that didn't work for you. Some people don't feel it's love unless their partner has unhealthy boundaries too. I'll give you an example: I went through a period a while back when I was unemployed. Being around my friends whose careers were going well was difficult for me and I found myself feeling some resentment towards them, as if I was projecting that they looked down on me, when it wasn't the case. Or someone freaking out because they managed to attract someone great being on their best behavior. They become so afraid of blowing it (when their true colors show up) that they disappear.
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