NotNow Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I'm friends with a girl that I met through my bf. They used to be roommates, and would hang out a lot, but since their living situations changed, several years ago, they rarely hang out. She and I seemed to hit it off pretty well, and have gone out to do things, both with and without my bf. Thinking back on it, I now realize that every time we did something it was because I would make it happen. Either I would hear about something interesting I wanted to do and invite her (ex: a cooking class), or want to try a new restaurant, etc. OR she would say "It's been awhile, I miss you, we really need to hang out" and I would pick something and make it happen. Anyways, it's been a couple months since I've seen her, and she's doing the "hey we should hang out" thing, but without suggesting anything specific or trying to make plans. This time, though, she sends my bf an email asking him to go to a specific bar with her on a specific night...and then a few hours later she posts something on FB about how she and I need to hang out. (I put the timeframe of this together later on after my bf asked me if he and I had plans on that night and I said "no, why") I am pretty sure that she has done this before. It kind of bothers me that she would exclude me from specific plans that she tries to make with my bf, but then always say how she and I need to hang out. Does this strike anyone else as a little off, or am I reading way too much into this? Also, the only things she ever invites my bf to do is go out drinking. I'm not mad or anything, but I am starting to be like "Um hey what's up with this?" I just think it's so weird that she wouldn't email us both about going to the bar if she actually wanted me there, instead of giving me the general let's hang out crap. Edited March 15, 2011 by NotNow
tigressA Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Does your boyfriend inform you when he's going out with her? How often do they get together? Is she the one to extend the invite every time, or most every time? In my opinion, something's fishy. She's doing the absolute minimum to be a "friend" to you and she's being Miss Proactive with your boyfriend, who she suspiciously can't find anything to do with except get sloshed in bars. I think she's trying to pull the wool over your eyes while she moves in on him. We ladies can be as subtle as anything when scheming like this. Thankfully this particular "lady" is already starting to show her hand.
ShatteredReality Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I say you reply to that and say, "You're right - we DO need to hang out! I talked to BF and I'm delighted you asked us out for drinks!! See you **day!!" Tell him she said you two need to hang out so why not tag along? He shouldn't mind...and it puts it straight to her that now there needs to be a shift in where her attention goes if she wants to keep him in her life. Otherwise it sounds like what Tigress said above...she wants to keep you happy and docile but move in on him while you aren't looking. You need to make sure she gets that you're ALWAYS looking...without pi$$ing him off and making him think you're a paranoid control freak who is seeing things...(cause men are often blind to these things)
tigressA Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I say you reply to that and say, "You're right - we DO need to hang out! I talked to BF and I'm delighted you asked us out for drinks!! See you **day!!" Tell him she said you two need to hang out so why not tag along? He shouldn't mind...and it puts it straight to her that now there needs to be a shift in where her attention goes if she wants to keep him in her life. This is a FANTASTIC idea. Do it. How she reacts, and/or how she acts while you're all there, will tell you pretty much all you need to know.
Author NotNow Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Does your boyfriend inform you when he's going out with her? How often do they get together? Is she the one to extend the invite every time, or most every time? Yeah, I don't think there's anything shady going on from my bf's end - if she asks him to do something he's interested in meeting up for, he tells me and often invites me. If bf is having a party or something he will invite her, but he never randomly decides he wants to go get drink (or anything else) and invites her along. I think they probably end up hanging out once every 2 or 3 months. I say you reply to that and say, "You're right - we DO need to hang out! I talked to BF and I'm delighted you asked us out for drinks!! See you **day!!" Tell him she said you two need to hang out so why not tag along? He shouldn't mind...and it puts it straight to her that now there needs to be a shift in where her attention goes if she wants to keep him in her life. This is a great idea, I like it! Also really relieved that I'm not the only person that thinks this is slightly off.
tigressA Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Yeah, I don't think there's anything shady going on from my bf's end - if she asks him to do something he's interested in meeting up for, he tells me and often invites me. If bf is having a party or something he will invite her, but he never randomly decides he wants to go get drink (or anything else) and invites her along. I think they probably end up hanging out once every 2 or 3 months. This is good, particularly that he often invites you to things he's been invited to, and the infrequency of their get-togethers. Nothing to worry about from him.
Author NotNow Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 "Oh do you think you'll be able to make it? It would be great to see you!" Uhhh... I really want to just be a bitch and be like "then why didn't you invite me along?"
tigressA Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 "Oh do you think you'll be able to make it? It would be great to see you!" Uhhh... I really want to just be a bitch and be like "then why didn't you invite me along?" Wow, that's super-catty! "Do you think you'll be able to make it?" Tell her, in a "joking" way, "If I wasn't able to make it, I wouldn't have suggested it."
Author NotNow Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Wow, that's super-catty! "Do you think you'll be able to make it?" Tell her, in a "joking" way, "If I wasn't able to make it, I wouldn't have suggested it." Yeah, I don't even know if she's actually interested in my bf, or if she's just being one of those girls who likes to try to cause problems. Not thrilled either way.
tigressA Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Yeah, I don't even know if she's actually interested in my bf, or if she's just being one of those girls who likes to try to cause problems. Not thrilled either way. Yeah, I wouldn't be either. Now that I think of it, my proposed response sounds just as catty and you shouldn't drag yourself down to her level. Just say something like, "Of course we can! We're looking forward to it, see you then!" with a smile. I put the "we" in there for a reason.
Star Gazer Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Your BF is allowed to have friends and spend time with friends separate and apart from you, particularly friends he had before you came into his life. Just as this girl is entitled to be friends with him, and friends with you, and spend time with you individually and/or as a couple.
ShatteredReality Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 You should start trying to get your BF to set her up on dates with other guys. Nothing screams "I'M NOT INTERESTED" like a man who is a) with someone AND b) trying to set you up with someone else. More than once if the first time doesn't take. But it's gotta be his friend and his suggestion to her to work properly...you can plant the seed in his head though.
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