Author Jon Morris Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Update: Sunny skies peeking through the clouds?? First off, my dad is doing better and may be coming home from the hospital in a couple of days. I was relieved to find out that he would be pulling through this just fine. I frankly didnt need to be going through a seperation and losing my father in the same stretch. My wife and I have come to a mutual decision - we are going to try a trial seperation. She will go to live at her mothers while I stay with the kids (nothing new here). During her time at her mothers she will cut off contact with both me and him and use the time to do some thinking for herself. After a while (a month or so) we will try a romantic night out alone and see if we can rekindle the spark that has been missing for a while. We will try this for a while and see where it leads; in a sense I will be courting her all over again. We both got married very young and became parents to our first very young. She grew up in a house with an over-bearing, controlling father who verbally abused her mother on a near-constant basis and she basically went from that to being married to me right out of high school. She has never really had any real freedom and has never been on her own and we both think it will be good for her to be able to have this time to experience life a bit without the hassles of marriage and kids. I think this will also help her to see that this grass isn't really greener on the other side and that she will probably (hopefully) miss me and realize the things that are truly most important to her. I can't guarantee a reconcilliation will come of this, all I know is that the mere fact that she is willing to give our marriage another shot a little bit down the road is a step in a positive direction.
worldgonewrong Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 You sound like you've reached a decent plateau here, Jon. Sending all good thoughts your way.
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Dude. Just be aware that most WS who are still in affair fog will use "trial separation" as an excuse to ride their AP like Seabiscuit. Hope it's not the case for you. Just sayin'. You need to keep an eye on what she is up to and if that involves watching her phone bills online or checking her email or making sure her car is where it's supposed to be, then so be it. You need to verify that she is telling you the truth, because right now you can have absolutely no trust in her words.
GorillaTheater Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 This may well be a positive development, but hope for the best and prepare for the worst: have a contingency plan in place that deals with the possibility that she's lying her ass off and plans to continue seeing this guy. That plan should start with consulting an attorney and starting a daily journal. The attorney? You need to know what your rights are and what legal effect her moving out may have. Is a legal separation agreement advisable? Will you be responsible for the debts she accumulates during the separation (I've seen some horror stories in this department)? How will this effect any future custody fight? Don't assume or try to predict what your wife will and won't do. Assume she may be capable of anything and everything, and cover yourself accordingly. Have you totally separated finances yet? You should. Know exactly where you stand and plan accordingly. It's not personal, it's just you taking care of business. The journal? It will be invaluable if it comes down to a custody dispute. Document when you and she have the kids, and any contact she has with you and/or the kids. She's planning to go No Contact with you? Does that go for the kids as well? Document everything from here on out. Here's a legal axiom (I'm a lawyer) that you want to take to heart: if it's not documented, it didn't happen. Best of luck. Take care of yourself, and be the best dad you can possibly be. Give her space, and work on yourself. This is the perfect opportunity to do some introspection and work on what you need to work on. Don't be a doormat, and never settle for being your wife's plan B.
worldgonewrong Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Dude. Just be aware that most WS who are still in affair fog will use "trial separation" as an excuse to ride their AP like Seabiscuit. Seriously, man - what's the deal with x-number of guys who use crude imagery to get their point across? You're talking about the guy's wife. He's in a vulnerable state. There's no need to resort to that. It's not helpful.
Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 My wife and I will have been married 11 years in September (together since 1999). We have a home and 4 beautiful kids (10, 7, 6, 3). Up until a few days ago I thought everything was fine. Then, all of the sudden, she tells me that she's been feeling that we're disconnected and that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore and that she thinks she may need some space. I dont know what to do. I feel like my world has come crashing down and there isn't anything I can do about it. I know that I should probably let her go and see if she comes back, but I'm deathly afraid of losing her. She and my kids are my whole world and the thought of us not being together is a nightmare for me. I haven't slept and have hardly eaten in two days. I feel like I'm tailspinning and can't focus, I need help! Can anyone give me any advice please. I have not read the whole thread, so maybe this has been said.. give her some space.. I don't think you got much choice.. she might want to 'try' someone else for a while.. and if it doesn't work 'there' she'll stay with you. It's a chance you take, if you don,t want to lose her. If you watch her like a hawk, she'll leave. She might be tired of the routine life.. etc.. she might need a break... who knows. Let her go for a while... don't be a 'doormat', don't get over-sensitive and insecure, she'll see you as a wimp... be strong and support her.
What_Next Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I am not going to get into the imagery as has been mentioned, but in a crude way PegNosePete is correct. She may use this time to go back to her OM. How will you feel if she does? What are the consequences for her if she does? How will you know if she does? These are questions you need to ask yourself. Unless her affair is over she is indeed in a VERY VERY thick fog. If it hasn't lifted she won't see outside of it. Fantastic news about your dad by the way. Rally your friends, your family and anything else you need for strength, you'll need it.
imagine Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 We call her condition "cake eating". Right now you are a spare....
Goldenspoon Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I agree with the others. She IS seeing him and going to communicate with him and sleep with him when he's available.
WorldIsYours Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Dude. Just be aware that most WS who are still in affair fog will use "trial separation" as an excuse to ride their AP like Seabiscuit. Hope it's not the case for you. Just sayin'. You need to keep an eye on what she is up to and if that involves watching her phone bills online or checking her email or making sure her car is where it's supposed to be, then so be it. You need to verify that she is telling you the truth, because right now you can have absolutely no trust in her words. I agree, she's just using the term "trial separation" to have a full trial with the OM she's boning dude. Don't believe the words that woman says to you. She's cheating so she'll lie to you for her own personal gain. Just keep protecting yourself and those kids because she doesn't give a damn.
hopesndreams Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Update: Sunny skies peeking through the clouds?? First off, my dad is doing better and may be coming home from the hospital in a couple of days. I was relieved to find out that he would be pulling through this just fine. I frankly didnt need to be going through a seperation and losing my father in the same stretch. My wife and I have come to a mutual decision - we are going to try a trial seperation. She will go to live at her mothers while I stay with the kids (nothing new here). During her time at her mothers she will cut off contact with both me and him and use the time to do some thinking for herself. After a while (a month or so) we will try a romantic night out alone and see if we can rekindle the spark that has been missing for a while. We will try this for a while and see where it leads; in a sense I will be courting her all over again. We both got married very young and became parents to our first very young. She grew up in a house with an over-bearing, controlling father who verbally abused her mother on a near-constant basis and she basically went from that to being married to me right out of high school. She has never really had any real freedom and has never been on her own and we both think it will be good for her to be able to have this time to experience life a bit without the hassles of marriage and kids. I think this will also help her to see that this grass isn't really greener on the other side and that she will probably (hopefully) miss me and realize the things that are truly most important to her. I can't guarantee a reconcilliation will come of this, all I know is that the mere fact that she is willing to give our marriage another shot a little bit down the road is a step in a positive direction. You are just delaying the inevitable and lessening your pain, for now. Feels good to get a breather eh? She will see OM and for right now, you are OK with that, as long as she comes to her senses and comes home. It isn't going to happen. Oh sure, you have both agreed there will be NC with OM but cheaters lie, big time! You know, deep down, she is going to have some FUN. You have now given her permission to do whatever she wants, shirk all responsibilities and have you waiting in the wings for however long she wants. The suffering to come will really, really HURT. Those that cheat have a wicked cruel streak. Why allow yourself to be treated this way? The sun will peek through the clouds ONLY when you love yourself 1st.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 You guys have given some pretty good advice overall, but I think some of you are really out of line with what you've said about my wife. She is not a liar and she is not a terrible person. She is truly a caring person, but she made a mistake and allowed herself to get emotionally involved with another man and that was a product of, not just her, but myself and what I let our relationship become as well. She says that we will work this out after some time and I believe her. She is my best friend, my wife, and she is the mother of my children and if we have ANY chance of mending this relationship then I am going to go for it, regardless of what she has done. I think we'll be stronger for it in the end, whatever the outcome. I wont be posting in this thread again for a while. I think I'm going to come back sometime down the road to update everyone on what is going on, but for now I can't focus on all of this negative stuff and expect to remain positive. I am just going to keep looking for a job, raise my children the right way, and try to find a way to better myself, not just emotionally, but physically as well. There is alot I need to change about myself and this time apart is going to allow me to have the time to do it.
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Dude. Sorry to say, you're so far in denial, you're almost in Aswan.
What_Next Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Umm Jon she has "gotten involved" more than emotionally with this man. Good luck, gods speed. I understand where you are coming from with respect to saying that this place can be negative. It can be. It also can be a real dose of reality, which many (including you) need. Good luck, but sticking your head in the sand isn't the answer. She made more than a "mistake". She willfully and openly went out and slept with another man. Good luck, you'll need it.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Jon, good luck and I mean that..I do hope she uses this time away wisely and doesn't go off spending time with the OM. I guess you need to trust her at her word, that she will stay in NC mode with him. I do think that the OM's (MM) wife needs to know what's been going on, it'll help keep her and the OM in NC. Does your wife's mom know about this and why she's not with you and the kids? I'll look for a future update at some point from you, in the meantime, take care of yourself and the kids.
Chi townD Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You guys have given some pretty good advice overall, but I think some of you are really out of line with what you've said about my wife. She is not a liar and she is not a terrible person. She is truly a caring person, but she made a mistake and allowed herself to get emotionally involved with another man and that was a product of, not just her, but myself and what I let our relationship become as well. She says that we will work this out after some time and I believe her. She is my best friend, my wife, and she is the mother of my children and if we have ANY chance of mending this relationship then I am going to go for it, regardless of what she has done. I think we'll be stronger for it in the end, whatever the outcome. I wont be posting in this thread again for a while. I think I'm going to come back sometime down the road to update everyone on what is going on, but for now I can't focus on all of this negative stuff and expect to remain positive. I am just going to keep looking for a job, raise my children the right way, and try to find a way to better myself, not just emotionally, but physically as well. There is alot I need to change about myself and this time apart is going to allow me to have the time to do it. Okay, she's the mother of your children, I get that. But, why would she want to separate from her children? The only reason I can think of is she is going to the OM, nothing is holding her back. No kids that she has to find a sitter for and explain why and with who she's going out with and no husband that is snooping around. Okay, you're sick of people bashing on your wife. I can understand that. But, you have to admit, she's not your wife right now. She's not your friend and she doesn't have your interests in mind. She's being selfish and hurting everyone around her. But, if you need time away. I understand. But, I strongly suggest that you check her e-mails and phone records during your seperation, because I feel that she's lying to you. If I'm wrong, I'll be the first one in line to apologize to you. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If I were you, I would continue to monitor her.
swfc_77 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 sorry to hear what your going through, must be a nightmare. its a really hard thing to do but i would just walk away from the relationship and start again. it might scare you the thought of being alone, bringing up four kiddies but down the line i think it will be better for all 5 of you, lifes too short to be messing around and being messed around by women like that, like said by a previous poster you made vows to work together through thick and thin she has not stuck to this. i grew up in a broken home, my mother went with another man, its was 13 years of torture for her with the OM they split about 12 months ago. me and my brother moved in with my dad about 12 years ago and honestly i can say we had a great time with him, im still here now at 24 you can be a really good dad to your kids and a really good friend too, you can have a really good time with them and be there for them. seriously my friend, see this as an opportunity - not a disappointment. best wishes in what ever path you choose, but consider the road might be a lot brighter without her in your life.
swfc_77 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 ps, as some other pasts have said about checking phones, emails, spying dont bother, you should make the decision to walk away from this now. slice her out of the equation, just focus on you, your kids, your house. personally i wouldn't let her in the house anymore, let her pick the kids up and take them out or to her mothers.
WorldIsYours Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Dude. Sorry to say, you're so far in denial, you're almost in Aswan. Agreed. Poor buddy in denial.
lovingwhatis Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Jon, I read your whole thread and I want to say that I really admire your strength under pressure, you have handled this so difficult situation with such grace! I don't know if you will be coming to read this, but just felt the need to say it. There seem to be people on here who feed on the negativity and the crisis situations of other people, and subconsciously want the negative situations to continue. I totally understand why you would want to give your wife a chance. From the way you've described her, I do feel she is going through an identity crisis since she didn't have any time to herself before she married you and became a mom. That you have understood this in the midst of your pain shows your character more than anything. Now I assume you are still in the separation period. So much words have been spoken of her actions here, which are definitely baffling, but at the same time are the fact now, so cannot be ignored. Focus on you, Jon, take this as an opportunity to find out about things You may have ignored during your marriage. You mentioned in the first post that your family is everything to you. On one hand that's wonderful, but on the other it may have caused you to ignore yourself in the process. And especially with the stress of not having a job, it may have eroded your self-esteem a bit.. Just pointing this out gently, this is an opportunity for you to reassess your life. how you will support your kids while they grow up. You have a good head on your shoulders, and a good heart in your chest. Maybe focus too on beginning the process of forgiveness with your wife, regardless of what happens to you two. She is the mother of your children and will never be completely out of your life regardless of the current outcome. Many parents fear the fallout of d for the children, but it seems that when the parents actually work as an unit and are friendly with each other, the fallout is much less. I have a good friend who did this, and his children are doing really well now a few years after. Try to expand your perspective on those views, they can really help you and the children down the road. Lastly, here is a worksheet for something called "the Work" by Byron Katie. It is a process of evaluating one's beliefs. It can be helpful in rethinking the thoughts that have been bombarding you since this whole thing hit. I trust your dad is doing much better. You've gone through so much in such a short time. It may be time to process the trauma right now. I know there are practical things to consider with the children, but you need care in this precarious moment too, so you can be of help to your children. http://www.thework.com/downloads/onebelief.pdf Glad to know you, Jon. Wishing you peace and strength!
debtman Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Jon, So sorry for your situation, with your dad, your W and your kids. Sounds very familiar. My W met OM, 3 weeks later she told me our 10 year relationship, 6 year M was over and we were incompatible. We have 2 kids, 6 and 4. That was back on Oct. The next several months were hell. I moved in with my parents to get away the house so I didn't have to stay home with the kids while she went out with OM. She finally moved out into her own place last month and I'm back in my house. My life is constantly getting better. My time with my kids is more relaxed, fun and focused than it was before. I focused on the 180 and as much NC as I could with the kids. The kids are adjusting amazingly well. She and OM are still together, but who knows how long that will last since he's still M, his W is fighting their D and his kids (12 & 10) are very angry. I hope things work out for you (they will, one way or another). I know how horrible it is to feel like you're losing everything, BUT, YOU'RE NOT!! SHE IS!! She will do everything she can to string you along until she decides if OM is really the "right" one. She will do whatever she can to lessen her guilt. Telling you how horrible your M was, how incompatible you are, how you don't have anything in common, etc. Don't believe a word she says. Move on...at least act like you are when you deal with her. Don't let her play with your emotions, your life and your kids. She's the one being completely selfish, she WON'T change. If she comes back, it's only a matter of time before it happens again unless you get MC and IC and make some CHANGES! Good luck and keep posting...
Ballerfamily Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Jon I remember being told some of the same things, some in a nice way, some in a tough way. I didn't understand the 2nd method either. ......I understand now...... you will have to go through and discover it on your own. It will all make sense in the end. These guys have gone through, and are spot on......I hate to say this, but they are right..... She may come back down the road, but after serious reflection and some time to figure it all out, you will prolly come to same conclusion that most of us have here.(you don't want her back) A few took their WS back, but the jury is still out. If she is gone for more then a few weeks, its prolly over for sure. This is a time for you to have space, and most likely a time for her to play......this seems like a classic walk away wife. When its to late and the damage is done, they might want to come back. In the meantime, you will be coping, and doing what is right. You will regain your strength and resolve eventually. You will go through all stages of grief. And then you will wrap your head around this, and ACCEPT it for what it is.....and then you will never want to go through this crap ever again.....and that is the usual story...its so sad. another marriage down the tubes.... She is not the woman you love and married.....that is hard to accept..... she is in a deep fog....she will come out of it at some point. Could be 1 week, could be 5 yrs. You gonna sit around waiting for the outcome? She will play this for as long as you will let her. When you draw the line in the sand, you will know where she is at immediately. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER WORDS, and watch her actions. Only then can you make sense of their outlandish behavior One of the hardest things for me, was watching her act like she cared for me one day, and then becoming ice queen the next. ( this is because of the conflict and confusion they have between you and OM) At least she cares enough of you to have that conflict. Some don't even get that. So use that as your strength. That means its not you at all, its all her and her issues. You can't do anything about that. They usually fight and fight this till its way to late, especially if you let them and continue contact. I feel for you man. Good Luck Edited March 28, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Richard Friedman Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) Woww. It seems she could crucify you and set you on fire and you'd still be singing her praises to the grave. And no doubt during this separation you won't so much as look at another woman. The more you suffer the more it shows you care right? Edit: Just saw that you got married straight out of high school? No wonder you're wallowing in this romantic fantasyland, "she's the only one for me" nonsense. She's no angel son.. Just a cvm dumpster for some lowlife trucker, and an idiot to boot if she thinks he's gonna hitch himself to her and all her baggage. She's not coming back and she's not worth having. For everyone else, this is a case in point why you should get some experience with women before settling down. Always be confident in your ability to move on if your current gig goes south, or end up a sniveling chump like our friend here. Edited March 29, 2011 by Richard Friedman
Author Jon Morris Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 UPDATE: She's coming back!! She called me this morning from work and said she wanted to come back and how she hated to be away from the kids and I and that she missed us. She already called the guy and told him never to call or try to see her again. I can't express how happy I was to hear this news. She is the light of my life and the thought of living without her was something I could not bare. We will take it slowly, one step at a time, but rest assured the changes that I vowed to make for myself will still be made. I want to be a better man and will do everything in my power to make her happy.
hopesndreams Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You can't make her happy. She has to find happiness from within and so do you.
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