whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I'm proud of you, Jon – you're acting very graciously in what has got to be the hardest relationship situation there is to handle, and not a lot of people choose that route. and thank heavens for your buddy, who gave you such strong support when you needed it most. At this point, I think you know what it is you need to do (focus on your kids and your needs) and give her the "space" she so desperately claims to want. My guess is that she thought her time with this other man would be the cure-all to an unhappy chapter in her life without realizing that she has to fix whatever is causing that unhappiness inside first. hugs, q Great post reply and I think Q speaks for us all on this one. D her and don't make it easy for her either with puppy dog ways. Get tough, find your backbone, protect yourself and your kids. Do whatever it takes to rid this poison, the woman you no longer know, from your system. Only way your wife will understand and learn "something" is for her to suffer consquences..Really feel them and get that she is on her own without you in her life. Not to help, fix or do anything for her. Only reason to speak to one another is about the kids, house, money..Anything personal or outside of that, off limits. You're very strong. Don't forget that.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 (edited) Well, we decided that, to soften the blow a little bit for our kids, that we would take them out last night as a family and do something fun (in this case Chuck E. Cheese). The kids had fun and my wife and I were amazingly civil. I could see that we could still talk and be around each other without animosity (at least when the kids are around) which is going to better for them during this. We had another long talk last night befopre she left and I laid all of my anger, regret, disappointment in her, everything, all out on the table. I told her that since we had children it was our duty as parents to remain civil to each other, for their sakes. She agreed and we decided that we are going to just tell them that "mommy is going to be staying at grandma's for a while". We will be making the big reveal tonight after she gets off of work. We'll tell them together and then she will leave. My sister and her husband when then come over to have dinner with my kids and I to help offer support for us. My sister has given me a ton of great advice about this (because her and her husband have been through two seperations and are still together) and she has really helped to curb some of the emotional garbage that is still stirring in me right now. She has offered to be here for me and the kids will be here with me if I need her to help me cope (thankfully she lives just down the street) and I am grateful. Although I will always love her and will always hold out a sliver of hope for a reconcilliation, I don't think the chances are likely. It was obvious from our talk that the emotional love was still there, just not the physical love and I'm not sure if that is something that can be gotten back, at least not for a while. Regardless, I'm going to be strong for my kids and do what I need to keep myself happy as well. Edited March 19, 2011 by Jon Morris
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I'm glad you have support, it'll make a difference. And, having you and your wife be 'civil' towards eachother for the kids sake is good too. Sucks that this is happening for you all, it's not going to be easy. Can I ask how you two came to the decision for your wife to leave? I think it's good since she's the one who wants 'out', but usually the mom doesn't want to leave the house and the kids, usually it's the other way around.. Suggest family counseling too, it'll help with the all adjustments.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 The decision came simply because, she had somewhere else to go and I didnt. Her mother lives alone and has a big house with plenty of space and it is also much closer to my wifes work. Also, she never said as much, but I suspect the responsibility of having the kids around all of the time may have lent a hand in the stress and frustration that led to this and she probably wants to have some space from everyone - IDK, but she wasn't opposed to me keeping the house and the kids which I was happy about - I really did not want to drag this out in court and go through a bitter custody battle after everything I've been through already.
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 The decision came simply because, she had somewhere else to go and I didnt. Her mother lives alone and has a big house with plenty of space and it is also much closer to my wifes work. Also, she never said as much, but I suspect the responsibility of having the kids around all of the time may have lent a hand in the stress and frustration that led to this and she probably wants to have some space from everyone - IDK, but she wasn't opposed to me keeping the house and the kids which I was happy about - I really did not want to drag this out in court and go through a bitter custody battle after everything I've been through already. It's good for you and I'm happy it's worked out this way..I'm just very surprised she's willing to not be around the kids daily. Put them to bed and the routine of it all. Sure parents need a break once in a while but it's differen that she's wanting out like this. I also believe it has to do with the OM and her having freedom, wanting less responsibility so she can do whatever she wants. Make note of this. Seriously.. Because it may bite her in the ass one day that she's choosing this.
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Well, we decided that, to soften the blow a little bit for our kids, that we would take them out last night as a family and do something fun (in this case Chuck E. Cheese). The kids had fun and my wife and I were amazingly civil. I could see that we could still talk and be around each other without animosity (at least when the kids are around) which is going to better for them during this. We had another long talk last night befopre she left and I laid all of my anger, regret, disappointment in her, everything, all out on the table. I told her that since we had children it was our duty as parents to remain civil to each other, for their sakes. She agreed and we decided that we are going to just tell them that "mommy is going to be staying at grandma's for a while". We will be making the big reveal tonight after she gets off of work. We'll tell them together and then she will leave. My sister and her husband when then come over to have dinner with my kids and I to help offer support for us. My sister has given me a ton of great advice about this (because her and her husband have been through two seperations and are still together) and she has really helped to curb some of the emotional garbage that is still stirring in me right now. She has offered to be here for me and the kids will be here with me if I need her to help me cope (thankfully she lives just down the street) and I am grateful. Although I will always love her and will always hold out a sliver of hope for a reconcilliation, I don't think the chances are likely. It was obvious from our talk that the emotional love was still there, just not the physical love and I'm not sure if that is something that can be gotten back, at least not for a while. Regardless, I'm going to be strong for my kids and do what I need to keep myself happy as well. The time to be nice should be over. These talks mean nothing to her. Stop talking to her because she does not care. Speak to her unless it has something to do with the kids. The love is gone, dude. Just continue being there for those kids and heal from this woman. If she wanted space for a while she should've said that, not go run off with some punk then come back talking about how she needs everyone to leave her alone because she had sex with another man. She's going to be very sorry for doing this to you and her kids when this is all over.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 I'm done with talking with her. I've said my peace with her and she knows that I am disgusted with her for what she did to me and our family. She is the one that is going to have to start dealing with what she's losing. I'm tired of suffering. She's going to have to start dealing with not seeing them for days and days and I hope it begins to make her stop and think. My sister and brother-in-law are coming over tonight to be with my kids and I. The kids are going to be devestated by this and I know they will need family support tonight.
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I'm done with talking with her. I've said my peace with her and she knows that I am disgusted with her for what she did to me and our family. She is the one that is going to have to start dealing with what she's losing. I'm tired of suffering. She's going to have to start dealing with not seeing them for days and days and I hope it begins to make her stop and think. My sister and brother-in-law are coming over tonight to be with my kids and I. The kids are going to be devestated by this and I know they will need family support tonight. That's very good news. Gather all of the love and support because you're going to need it. Vent to us and to your family when you have to, and start worrying about your health and be there for those kids because no one can change her but herself. She's responsible for her own actions and taking time away from you and the kids to be with someone else is unacceptable and inexcusable. This is going to get worse before it gets better but you WILL survive this, and you'll be stronger.
Goldenspoon Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Don't sleep with her. Chances are, this romeo trucker might have given her STDs already. Let her deal with it.
Goldenspoon Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Check out this story, it is kind of similiar to yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=256174
Author Jon Morris Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Jesus, salt in an open wound!!! My wife comes over last night to give the kids "the talk". I decided, on the spur of the moment, that I didn't want to be here for it. I didn't want to have to shoulder any more of the weight of the kids emotions than I have to. I wanted her to see the looks in their eyes for herself without me here to help her calm them down so I took off for my sisters down the street and hung out there for about an hour. After that, I came back home expecting her to leave soon after and then my sister and brother-in law were going to come over. I wasn't home more than 15-20 minutes when I find out that my 75 year old father was experiencing chest pains and was having shortness of breath and had to be rushed to the emergency room! My dad had just had a week long stint in the hospital at the beginning of March for congestive heart failure. I took off leaving the wife here with the kids and met my sister up at the ER and we sat and waited for several hours hoping for the best. Turns out my father has chronic pneumonia and had to be hospitalized again. Don't know if he's going to be ok or not, but considering all of his health problems right now, pneumonia is the last thing he needs right now. I got back home last night about 11:00, my kids were in bed and my wife was dressed to sleep here. I just sat down and broke into tears because of the pressure of everything going on right now. She tried to console me a bit and put her arm around me and was crying too and saying she feels bad for what she did to me and asked me what she could do. In a moment of weakness I asked her to stay and let us work this out again. All of the sudden her emotions cut off and she turned to stone again and she pulled away from me and didnt say a word. I just dont know what to do right now. I want to be strong for my kids, but I can't lose my wife and my dad in the same week, I just cant. It would just kill me. Worst...week...ever.
Rose T Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Jon I am so, so sorry for what you're going through, keep your family around you, it's great that your sister and brother-in-law are just down the road and they will help you through this. I know you really want your wife to support you now but sometimes we learn important things about those whom we love in times of crisis, she's not the rock that you hoped for and in this intensely difficult family time I think you know that your support may lie elsewhere. So be it. You don't need her, Jon. You're better than this and you deserve better. In the months and years to come, you'll look back at this and marvel at how much you coped with, then you will truly understand what a strong and wonderful father you are and will be in the future. Have faith and hold on.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 I appreciate the kind words. I'm just very, very tired of dealing with all of this now. First my wife, and now my dad - it's just extremely overwhelming for me. I broke down and cried in front of her which I vowed to myself I wouldn't do again and I hate myself for doing it.
quankanne Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 so very sorry to heal about your dad, and no, you're not some dumbass for breaking down in front of her – you'd be inhuman NOT to, with all the worry and stress you've had these past few days. hate to hear that she cut herself off emotionally when you talked about getting the marriage back together, but it sounds to me she's been gone a long, long time and in her mind, it's definitely over. Don't focus on trying to get your marriage back because in her mind, it's not going to happen. DO take her up on helping with the kids, because right now, you need her as mom. You're not being a worm for asking, this is very much an exception to the norm, and you are going to need all the help you can get juggling these two events. prayers for your family, and esp. for your dad's recovery, q
WorldIsYours Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I appreciate the kind words. I'm just very, very tired of dealing with all of this now. First my wife, and now my dad - it's just extremely overwhelming for me. I broke down and cried in front of her which I vowed to myself I wouldn't do again and I hate myself for doing it. Very sorry about your father man. This why I say in your situation you need to cut her off completely, even though it hurts. It's understandable that you wanted affection when finding out about your father. But you see how disrespectful she got when you tried to lean on her? You see how she's acting while her own in-law is in the hospital? While you're trying to take care of the family she was supposed to be a part of? Now you see that your wife has truly changed. How she doesn't even care about her husband or family when the chips are down, and when marital life gets hard. You don't need this woman. Someone who acts cold while her husband's father is fighting for his life and cheating while you're trying to hold it all together. She's poison. Just remember you will get through this. It's hard but you'll survive.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Thanks everyone, coming here everyday has been a real blessing for me in this tough time and I hope to be able to repay the favor to someone else in a similar situation one day. I'm really hoping for a reconcilliation, but I'm afraid that my bitterness over this situation and what she has put me through will make it impossible for us to remain friends after this if it is truly over. I finally took my ring off after she left friday (hers had been off for several days at this point) and she asked me about it yesterday. I am fighting the urge to put it back on because I dont like the feeling of finality I get from not having it on, but then I dont want to give her the satisfaction of seeing it back on my finger.
WorldIsYours Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Thanks everyone, coming here everyday has been a real blessing for me in this tough time and I hope to be able to repay the favor to someone else in a similar situation one day. I'm really hoping for a reconcilliation, but I'm afraid that my bitterness over this situation and what she has put me through will make it impossible for us to remain friends after this if it is truly over. I finally took my ring off after she left friday (hers had been off for several days at this point) and she asked me about it yesterday. I am fighting the urge to put it back on because I dont like the feeling of finality I get from not having it on, but then I dont want to give her the satisfaction of seeing it back on my finger. You're not bitter, at least not right now. You've just been dealt a series of serious blows to your conscience, most of them inflicted by your own wife so give yourself plenty of time to get it all out. It's fine if in time you wish to not be friends with her. It is no surprise that her ring was off. She doesn't value her marriage and her cheating and continued depreciation shows that.
blizzard Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 so very sorry to heal about your dad, and no, you're not some dumbass for breaking down in front of her – you'd be inhuman NOT to, with all the worry and stress you've had these past few days. hate to hear that she cut herself off emotionally when you talked about getting the marriage back together, but it sounds to me she's been gone a long, long time and in her mind, it's definitely over. Don't focus on trying to get your marriage back because in her mind, it's not going to happen. DO take her up on helping with the kids, because right now, you need her as mom. You're not being a worm for asking, this is very much an exception to the norm, and you are going to need all the help you can get juggling these two events. prayers for your family, and esp. for your dad's recovery, q I am sorry to hear about your father... just when you think you can't take anymore...but you can. Right now you are just in pit of despair but you will find your way out. One day at a time. I have to agree with the above poster. I believe he has said it best. You can lean on your wife, but focus on the well being of your father...don't look into your marriage for anymore than that. She obviously doesn't want to mislead you in thinking your marriage can be salvaged...but I know, she cares and wants to console you. Let her help.
WorldIsYours Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I am sorry to hear about your father... just when you think you can't take anymore...but you can. Right now you are just in pit of despair but you will find your way out. One day at a time. I have to agree with the above poster. I believe he has said it best. You can lean on your wife, but focus on the well being of your father...don't look into your marriage for anymore than that. She obviously doesn't want to mislead you in thinking your marriage can be salvaged...but I know, she cares and wants to console you. Let her help. She does not care about him neither does she want to console him. And if even if that was true, what can she possibly do after what she's done? After leaving her kids behind that need help taken care of, and her husband for some loser? She led him on and when he tried to lean on her she disrespected him again.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Dude! First, I want to say how truely sorry I am to hear of the situation and with everything that's going on with your father. You are a roller coaster of emotions and that's okay. It's perfectly natural. Just let them come when they want to. If you ever need to vent! We're here for ya! Vent away! If you ever need advice or just someone to listen to your story. We're here for you. If you need a laugh...well....Depplover will be somewhere around here for ya! Point is, you have tons of people here that can relate and are pulling for ya!
Goldenspoon Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Check out this story, it is kind of similiar to yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=256174 Did you check the link out?
Author Jon Morris Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Did you check the link out? Wow!!! This is amazingly familiar!! Last night, I thought we may have had a breakthrough. We got drunk together and laid it all out. We laid into each other, telling one another what we couldn't stand about each other and my wife basically ending broken down into tears about what she had done. I told her that I could forgive her once, but not twice. She seemed to take some comfort in that and we seemed to be headed for a potential reconciliation. FAST FORWARD to this afternoon. The ICE QUEEN BITCH was back. All of the sudden she was conflicted again. I asked her if she needed some space and she said yes so I went to my sisters and hung out for a while with the understanding that she just wanted to sit and think to herself for awhile. I come back two hours later to find her, locked in our bedroom talking to him on her cell, with our kids on the family room sofa, and of course she turned back to stone. I went off on her and told her that there is no way that she can sit in MY HOUSE and talk to some other douchebag on the phone. I told her that if she wanted to talk to him then she had to leave - PERIOD!! She seemed startled by my anger, but it was justified. How dare she talk to the OM in the home that we share with our children. I was disgusted by her actions and told her that she needed professional help. She claimed that "he called her" but I said "well, you could've just ignored the call". She backpeddled slightly and I stormed out of the room. She left shortly thereafter to have a talk with her mother and a friend of theirs. I just dont know who this woman is anymore and at the end of my rope with her. She confuses the hell out of me. One day she seems like she is coming around to the idea of reconcilliation and the next day, we're back to square one.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 She was drunk, she let her defenses down. Bottomline is, this woman infront of you is NOT the woman you married. She's in an affair fog and has a major case of the grass is greener going on. You're handling this great! Use that anger as your shield, don't let her see how upset you are and how much she's killing you inside. Now is the time for her to suffer consquences, so if she leaves, that's it. Even if you don't, tell her that you're making an appointment to see a lawyer. She needs to see what life is like without you in it. Don't even bother thinking of working it out as long as she is lying to you and still talking to the OM. Hope your dad is doing better, sorry that more got dumped on your plate.
What_Next Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Your wife is going through a classic set of behavior, wafting back and forth between caring and ice queen. I remember it vividly. My wife did precisely the same thing. Use a 180 style approach. Stick to it. It'll be completely counter-intuitive, but it is extrememly effective. You bloody well did the right thing to tell her that if she wants to maintain any contact with the OM, she won't be doing it in your marital home. Bloody well done indeed.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 You bloody well did the right thing to tell her that if she wants to maintain any contact with the OM, she won't be doing it in your marital home. Bloody well done indeed. Especially locking herself in the bedroom to talk to him, meanwhile the kids were by themselves! That's pretty low and selfish of her.
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