hopesndreams Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Do the 180. This will help you tremendously, no matter what the outcome. No sleep huh? You need to keep your strength up during this h*llish time. See the family doc about some anti-anxiety meds. Life will go on, with or without her and if she is cheating on you, you will be so much better off without her. Here's the 180. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 What really bothers me is that if we do indeed split up, what will become of our special-needs son? He has cerebral palsy and is delayed mentally. He will likely require care from us for the rest of his life. I wonder if she has even thought about the fact that there are probably not alot of men out there who would be willing to take on the daunting responsibility of helping raise a special-needs child who is not their own, into adulthood and beyond. You need to tell her exactly this -- the part in bold. ASK HER OUTRIGHT "if we divorce and you marry this OM one day, is he willing to be a big part in our sons life and does he have the dedication and the desire to be there no matter what?" My guess is she stutter on that for a bit. Suggest marriage counselling. You two owe it to eachother as well as your four kids, to give it your best. IF she is willing to do counselling and work her tail off with you, then you two have a good chance of reconnecting and making your marriage better. She may be in a fog, not able to 'get' what you're saying and if that is the case, she will have to learn by suffering consquences to see what life is like without you in it. IF she wants to leave, she can leave and move out. You stay in the house with the kids and she can come visit, or the kids can see her, but you make it CLEAR to her that the OM is to be NOWHERE near the kids at any time.
What_Next Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Big surprise, someone else on the horizon. At least you've found out. You have been given all the advice you need. Listen to it.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If she is willing to throw away a marriage over some guy she talked to in the store maybe you are better off without her.
allenmj Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Update: My wife and I decided that she needed a few days to sort things out and she has gone to stay at her mothers house. This is your window. Change the locks and file divorce now. If she left the house of her own free will you are not obligated to let her back in. As a parent with a special needs child her even thinking about building a relationship with another man while still married to you is just disgusting. Protect yourself and your children now. Good luck to you!
Author Jon Morris Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Update: It's over. She cheated on me with him last night. Whats sad is that the man is 40 and she is 28. His name is Bart and he's some ******* truck driver who knows all about our kids and I. I was so mad that I was spitting nails earlier because she said that he didnt care that she was married. She opened up to me and told me that she had been unhappy for a long time and was keeping the marriage together just for the kids. She then said the dreaded "its me, not you" line. That sent me through the roof. She never even gave me a chance to change things - she just said it was over and thats it. I don't know what to do right now. I'm devestated and my kids will be devestated - thats for sure. I'll post again in a few days when I settle down from this some.
quankanne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 definitely time to employ the 180 suggestions, and start living your life without her. That's not to say reconciliation is out of the picture, just that you realize you don't need her in your life to make it work. Trust me, "wanting" ≠ "needing," and the last thing the you need in your life is to be so in love with someone that you let them treat you like shxt because you want them in your life so badly. hell, she's already shown that her "needs" come before her family's!
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I am so sorry for your pain..For you and your kids. Your wife is messed up and acting really selfish. Four kids and one of them with special needs and she is putting her own happiness above the needs of them without even trying to fix things with you. This isn't your wife, the woman you married..She's been replaced with someone who's in an affair fog and thinks life with the OM will be great. She's living in fantasyland. If she wants to go, let her go. Tell her to move out and go be with the OM. You stay in the house with the kids, get help for yourself, ask family to support you as much as possible, good friends, too. DO NOT let her manipulate you into moving out or her taking the kids. No way..She cheated, she wants out, SHE can move out and do whatever she pleases. Take care of you and your kids...Talk to your family and let them help you through this. Don't go at this alone.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Nothing to add to what Whichway said- except that I'm very sorry for your pain. Stay strong- you and your children will get thru this. Keep posting when you need to vent-
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OP, sorry to read this. I'll offer my assessment.... You've talked, she's made clear statements and wishes to leave. Accept this. You are unemployed and have four children at home. Do you own that home? Rent? If so, make arrangements to adapt to your new status as an unemployed father of four. There is assistance available for you. In you circumstances, I'd see no downside to using a credit card to retain a lawyer and immediately file a petition for divorce with stipulations for support/relief/custody provisions. Concurrently, once this is served, apply for public assistance for yourself and your children. These actions respect your wife's decision and proactively seek to provide stability for your children. You likely qualify for additional assistance due to your special needs child. Seek it out. You have internet access since you posted this thread so make use of the internet and network and investigate to achieve your goals. Your wife is entitled to her perspective and it is out of your control. There is a lot within your control. Move today to take positive steps to actualize it. Good luck
What_Next Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Bloody hell, yet another spouse that decides to take this selfish, selfish action. Right out in the open no less. Take care of yourself, take care of your children. Keep posting, there are lots of people here on LS that will do their absolute best to help you through this time in your life. You will survive and you will get through this.
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I'm very sorry Jon, I know this is likely the darkest day of your life. But you don't have the luxury of inaction. Listen to the advice above. All of it is excellent, particularly Carhill's. You have to take care of yourself and the kids, because nobody else will and that most emphatically includes your wife. Hang tough, brother, and take care of business.
Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Mark my words, she'll be back banging on your door asking for forgiveness. I'm very sorry this has happened to you, however life does go on. Keep a stiff upper lip and know that you did nothing wrong. Be strong for your kids and always be there for them. It sounds like you deserve better and mark my words again, you will get through this and you will be better off without her. If she cheated once, she will cheat again.
willowthewisp Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I'm so sorry Jon, what she has done was calculated, deceitful, cruel and callous. I really hope that in time you will be able to see that you deserve so much better. Nothing justifys what she has done, nothing. Keep posting, we are all here for you.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks everyone. I just dont know what to do right now. I've been through every stage of grief several times today and right now I'm back to the bargaining stage, I think. The news that she cheated hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. She is coming over in an hour or so to tell the children that she is leaving. I'm just sick all the way to my soul right now. My crying got so uncontrollable earlier that I doubled over in dry-heaves, like a child. I've never been so heartbroken. Not even the cancer-related death of my mother, who I was very close to, made me feel this bad. I feel like a huge part of me is leaving and will never return. I just dont see how I could trust another woman again after this. I dont know what to do.
willowthewisp Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks everyone. I just dont know what to do right now. I've been through every stage of grief several times today and right now I'm back to the bargaining stage, I think. The news that she cheated hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. She is coming over in an hour or so to tell the children that she is leaving. I'm just sick all the way to my soul right now. My crying got so uncontrollable earlier that I doubled over in dry-heaves, like a child. I've never been so heartbroken. Not even the cancer-related death of my mother, who I was very close to, made me feel this bad. I feel like a huge part of me is leaving and will never return. I just dont see how I could trust another woman again after this. I dont know what to do. Call her off coming over right now, tell her you are too angry (don't tell her your upset) to see her, she will have to postpone for another time, maybe next week. Put yourself first. Take care of yourself, try to eat and sleep, I know that is tough. Right now you feel like ahuge part of you is walking, but when the shock has passed you will see her for what she really is.
worldgonewrong Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I'm so sorry, Jon. I do know what it's like to be almost physically ill from crying so much. Here's what to do: be a ROCK for your children now. She's already made things crazy enough; you have to be a pillar of stability now. Your children will remember how strong you were, when years pass from today. I send my prayers to you, my man.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks everyone. I just dont know what to do right now. I've been through every stage of grief several times today and right now I'm back to the bargaining stage, I think. The news that she cheated hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. She is coming over in an hour or so to tell the children that she is leaving. I'm just sick all the way to my soul right now. My crying got so uncontrollable earlier that I doubled over in dry-heaves, like a child. I've never been so heartbroken. Not even the cancer-related death of my mother, who I was very close to, made me feel this bad. I feel like a huge part of me is leaving and will never return. I just dont see how I could trust another woman again after this. I dont know what to do. You WILL be able to trust a woman after this Jon, you look around this site and there are plenty of ways to see this type of thing coming so that you dont get blindsided again. Just take the time to get over the grief, and do whatever you can to hold it together for your children.
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 You WILL be able to trust a woman after this Jon, you look around this site and there are plenty of ways to see this type of thing coming so that you dont get blindsided again. Just take the time to get over the grief, and do whatever you can to hold it together for your children. I second this. Sorry for what you're going through Jon. Your wife and that POSOM are two losers. This is why you need to get your ducks in a row, protect yourself and your children, and get rid of that woman. She's changed and will not be the same person ever again.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Thanks everyone. I just dont know what to do right now. I've been through every stage of grief several times today and right now I'm back to the bargaining stage, I think. The news that she cheated hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. She is coming over in an hour or so to tell the children that she is leaving. I'm just sick all the way to my soul right now. My crying got so uncontrollable earlier that I doubled over in dry-heaves, like a child. I've never been so heartbroken. Not even the cancer-related death of my mother, who I was very close to, made me feel this bad. I feel like a huge part of me is leaving and will never return. I just dont see how I could trust another woman again after this. I dont know what to do. I guess she's aleady come by, I wish I was on earlier, just to suggest that 7pm at night is not the right time to tell the kids what's going on, just before bedtime. Make an appt to go see your Dr and see if they'll give you something to control the emotions. Also, counselling will help you cope with this. I am so sorry again for your pain, it's just heart wrenching reading your words.
Author Jon Morris Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Update: The next day - Well, she came over last night and we didn't really tell the kids - I dont think either of us could do it yet. She just told them that she loved them and we sat around and talked a while like we used to until they went to bed. I'm not sure, but she REALLY seems conflicted. I'm just wondering if this rendevous with this man really brought the happiness she was looking for or it made her begin to doubt that our marital problems was truly a disconnect between us or more her need for a little excitment in her life. Even though everything was laid out and there was nothing being held back, she still seemed like she was fighting her emotions and might still have feelings for me. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but I'm not giving up hope of a reconciliation. She says she didnt think we were meant to be together, but then I asked her how can it take her 12 years to come to this conclusion for our marriage, but it only took her three weeks to come to the conclusion that this guy is the one for her? Even through all of this, I still love her tremendously and gave her some advice that I probably wouldn't have earlier yesterday: I think she jumped into this relationship with this man too quick and maybe deep down she really knows that and that she needed to use our seperation to really do some soul searching and sort out her priorities and figure out what is most important to her. If this guy truly cares for her, then he'll wait for her and give her as much time as she needs for herself to get her ducks in a row and figure out what she REALLY wants to do. I told her that if this guy is unwilling to do this then that means he's a selfish pr*ck who doesn't really care about her anyway. Regardless, I know I will go on and have to live my life - with or without her. I got some help yesterday in the form of an old friend who helped talk me through this and kept me on the phone for 3 hours. He has helped me cope with this a bit and has offered to be there for me whenever I need to hear a friendly voice. I still cry everytime I think about what she did to me, but the crying has become increasingly more infrequent and less and less in duration as I slowly begin to accept the reality fo my situation. I will keep everyone posted.
quankanne Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm proud of you, Jon – you're acting very graciously in what has got to be the hardest relationship situation there is to handle, and not a lot of people choose that route. and thank heavens for your buddy, who gave you such strong support when you needed it most. At this point, I think you know what it is you need to do (focus on your kids and your needs) and give her the "space" she so desperately claims to want. My guess is that she thought her time with this other man would be the cure-all to an unhappy chapter in her life without realizing that she has to fix whatever is causing that unhappiness inside first. hugs, q
worldgonewrong Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I concur with quankanne: way to keep it together, Jon. Good man.
hopesndreams Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I'm not sure, but she REALLY seems conflicted. This is a dangerous way of thinking. I know, I've done it. She sure as hay wasn't conflicted when she "boinked" this man. In order for her to do this "boinking" she decided she no longer loved you. Accept that. It's not about what you did or didn't do. Not at all. It's about a woman, your W, bored and needing attention from another man. She didn't give a rats a** about your feelings and how this would hurt you. She didn't CARE about her FAMILY. Not one little bit. She took the knife and stabbed you in the back with it. D her and don't make it easy for her either with puppy dog ways. Get tough, find your backbone, protect yourself and your kids. Do whatever it takes to rid this poison, the woman you no longer know, from your system.
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I'm not sure, but she REALLY seems conflicted. This is a dangerous way of thinking. I know, I've done it. She sure as hay wasn't conflicted when she "boinked" this man. In order for her to do this "boinking" she decided she no longer loved you. Accept that. It's not about what you did or didn't do. Not at all. It's about a woman, your W, bored and needing attention from another man. She didn't give a rats a** about your feelings and how this would hurt you. She didn't CARE about her FAMILY. Not one little bit. She took the knife and stabbed you in the back with it. D her and don't make it easy for her either with puppy dog ways. Get tough, find your backbone, protect yourself and your kids. Do whatever it takes to rid this poison, the woman you no longer know, from your system. Exactly. Darn right. You think because you had some little talk with her all is well and will get better? Heck no. It will get worse. She's just running off at the mouth because she's cheating on you and doesn't care. Trying to relieve some of that guilt she has on you. Trying to rationalize her selfish and destructive behavior. You gotta realize this woman is not innocent. Stop talking to her and being nice to her. Cut her off and then you'll really see the evil. Take care of those kids because she's irresponsible. Got more than 3 kids to take care of and she decides to be a selfish 304 because she's tired of doing what she's supposed to do, and wants to act like she's a teen again. You don't need a woman like that dude. If she had issues she should've worked them out with you and family, not shy away from her responsibilities as an adult, wife, and mother. No time to be doing that mess, especially in this day and age.
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