OM breaks NC and I don't know .

[mbm69]

... what to do!

 

I have posted about my story a few times. Basically, I'm in a commited relationship, and reconnected with an old flame, fell head over heels only to be dumped after telling OM I would leave my spouse. Never were intimate, only kissed. Basic summary.

 

Tried to stay friends with OM since he was a college friend. After some cold exchanges, he finally told me that his new GF didn't look kindly upon us talking or seeing each other. No problem. That hurt more, but I felt it was best in the end because that meant NC which is probably the best way for me to deal with the hurt and humiliation not to mention to focus on my family and my spouse who is, regardless of his failings, an ok guy who really loves me.

 

OM breaks NC this morning sending me an email saying he's been really busy at work but his daughter has a medicla problem and he wants my opinion (since I work in the medical field). My first reflex is to just ignore the email... but I feel really bad for his daughter. My second reflex is to tell him to contact his daughter's physician if he is that worried.

 

I know from the tone of the email that he isn't trying to suck me back in. It's a very cool email... it's obvious he just really wants my advice. It makes me feel kind of used, and my 3rd reflex is to tell him to ask his new GF what she thinks (who has nothing to do in the medical field btw), but I know that will just stroke his ego (he has a HUGE ego).

 

What would you do????

Edited March 15, 2011 by mbm69
part of title of thread missing

[desertIslandCactus]

You're right. Tell him to contact his daughter's physician. If he gives you excuses, you may either want to give him info - or to tell him to have his daughter seen.

 

If he doesn't accept your answers, tell him to stop using his daughter in this manner.

[mbm69]

I don't think he's using his daughter to get to me. I think he just knows that I'll answer with some useful advice (which I've always done)... He just seems worried about his daughter. He didn't even ask how I was in the email... that shows how not preoccupied he is with me.

[desertIslandCactus]

I don't think he's using his daughter to get to me. I think he just knows that I'll answer with some useful advice (which I've always done)... He just seems worried about his daughter. He didn't even ask how I was in the email... that shows how not preoccupied he is with me.

 

Then if you wish, answer his question regarding his daughter.

[Owl]

I guess my response would be dependent on if you've left your spouse yet.

 

You mentioned you were going to leave your spouse...has that started/completed yet?

 

If you've left him...and you're still considering a relationship with OM...then use this as an opportunity to explore that.

 

If you've not left him...complete that process before you pursue anything here.

 

From where I'm at...short term, I wouldn't respond AT ALL IN ANY FASHION if you're still married. If you're still not sure on divorce...absolutely you shouldn't respond.

 

If you're free and available...then respond.

 

Pretty straightforward if you think about it.

 

And...his ONLY purpose in contacting you is to resume contact...of course he can and has contacted his daughter's physician already...he's got no real reason he "has to" contact you. He did so because he wanted to, and it was a convenient excuse...nothing more.

[mbm69]

And...his ONLY purpose in contacting you is to resume contact...of course he can and has contacted his daughter's physician already...he's got no real reason he "has to" contact you. He did so because he wanted to, and it was a convenient excuse...nothing more.

 

Maybe I'm being gullible again. I tend to believe what people tell me. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. The fact that he didn't ask about how I was doing was kind of telling that he doesn't care about me.

 

I have decided to work things out with my spouse. He had noticed me slipping away and has made many efforts to make things better. We celebrated our 17th 'anniversary' of being together 2 weeks ago and he sent me such a touching letter, it made me cry. He never ever tells me that he loves me, so it really got me.

[Flabbergaster]

I don't think he's using his daughter to get to me. I think he just knows that I'll answer with some useful advice (which I've always done)... He just seems worried about his daughter. He didn't even ask how I was in the email... that shows how not preoccupied he is with me.

 

If you are an MD, you start to have ethical issues.

Is this a serious medical condition, or smt minor? If it is the former and you have good advice which others will not have for him, you have some obligation. If this is smt that any doctor could resolve...

OTOH you have painful emotional involvement so ethically you can claim that you don't have clear judgment and shouldn't be involved (unless you are the ONLY one that help).

 

Yes, in the past you were always helpful. Well...you're not involved anymore.

You are no longer responsible for him or his problems, no matter how unfortunate.

When I see smt that would be super important for xOW to know...I CANNOT TELL HER because I don't get to have that responsibility anymore. If it is smt major (like legal action pending), I would inform a third party (who knows the whole story) and let them decide how / if to tell her. Cause I don't get to use these EXCUSES to contact her anymore.

 

Did you explain to him that you are in NC? SOunds like maybe you didn't...if not you should assert control and explain that.

 

Because of the medical angle, it's difficult for you to simply ignore.

I would reply with a very terse impersonal note, "I recommend taking her to a physician if you have a concern. I'm not in a position to give you an objective opinion, even for something minor. I am confident she will be fine.

At this point I do not wish to have further contact with you. Please avoid communicating to me. Unfortunately this includes medical concerns."

[mbm69]

Because of the medical angle, it's difficult for you to simply ignore.

I would reply with a very terse impersonal note, "I recommend taking her to a physician if you have a concern. I'm not in a position to give you an objective opinion, even for something minor. I am confident she will be fine.

At this point I do not wish to have further contact with you. Please avoid communicating to me. Unfortunately this includes medical concerns."

 

I like this... I'll modify it a bit, but basically that'll be my answer.

 

Just to be clear HE is the one who asked for NC, I didn't. He said: 'I don't want to strain things with my GF so it's better if we didn't talk, communicate or see each other anymore'. It was pretty clear to me.

[desertIslandCactus]

I like this... I'll modify it a bit, but basically that'll be my answer.

 

Just to be clear HE is the one who asked for NC, I didn't. He said: 'I don't want to strain things with my GF so it's better if we didn't talk, communicate or see each other anymore'. It was pretty clear to me.

 

I like flabbergaster's too. It doesn't matter who initiated NC. Tell him Your wishes at this time.

 

And even a doctor's nurse isn't supposed to give telephone advice without the patient being seen.

[Owl]

Maybe I'm being gullible again. I tend to believe what people tell me. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. The fact that he didn't ask about how I was doing was kind of telling that he doesn't care about me.

 

I have decided to work things out with my spouse. He had noticed me slipping away and has made many efforts to make things better. We celebrated our 17th 'anniversary' of being together 2 weeks ago and he sent me such a touching letter, it made me cry. He never ever tells me that he loves me, so it really got me.

 

Then you already know your answer.

 

You cannot respond to him in any fashion...you cannot interact with him in any fashion...and still be "working things out with your spouse".

 

The two are diametrically opposed.

 

Building one relationship destroys the other.

 

If you're working things out with your H...you need to take ACTIVE MEASURES to prevent further contact.

 

Block MM from your email/phone/IM/etc...

 

Prevent him from being able to send little phishing expeditions like this.

 

Also remove him from your contacts so that you can't break down and resume contact in a moment of weakness.

 

Ensure that MM clearly knows that the affair and ANY contact is unacceptable from your side...and then prevent it from happening.

[whichwayisup]

... what to do!

 

I have posted about my story a few times. Basically, I'm in a commited relationship, and reconnected with an old flame, fell head over heels only to be dumped after telling OM I would leave my spouse. Never were intimate, only kissed. Basic summary.

 

Tried to stay friends with OM since he was a college friend. After some cold exchanges, he finally told me that his new GF didn't look kindly upon us talking or seeing each other. No problem. That hurt more, but I felt it was best in the end because that meant NC which is probably the best way for me to deal with the hurt and humiliation not to mention to focus on my family and my spouse who is, regardless of his failings, an ok guy who really loves me.

 

OM breaks NC this morning sending me an email saying he's been really busy at work but his daughter has a medicla problem and he wants my opinion (since I work in the medical field). My first reflex is to just ignore the email... but I feel really bad for his daughter. My second reflex is to tell him to contact his daughter's physician if he is that worried.

 

I know from the tone of the email that he isn't trying to suck me back in. It's a very cool email... it's obvious he just really wants my advice. It makes me feel kind of used, and my 3rd reflex is to tell him to ask his new GF what she thinks (who has nothing to do in the medical field btw), but I know that will just stroke his ego (he has a HUGE ego).

 

What would you do????

 

To use his kids medical situation as an excuse to contact you is real low.. Even more so since his gf isn't happy about any contact. Cool email or not, he shouldn't have contacted you, since he asked for NC..He also didn't even consider how you'd feel by hearing from him.

 

Anyway, I would email him back, give him the info he needs. Tell him you hope his daughter feels better soon. Then make it clear to him that it would be best that he talks to her doctor about this stuff and to not contact you again.

[mbm69]

@Owl, I understand what you are saying, but where I live, an appointment with a doctor is something that is difficult to get, so I often try to at least help out a bit when I can. I have a professional and ethical obligation to do that for people who ask me, even if it's just to tell them that they should consult a physician. I often get annoyed by all the questions I get, but I try to be nice about it and do what I can to help.

 

And yes, I am a physician, so that's why I have obligations...

 

Because I am still mostly angry about what happened... I am going through the grieving process, and anger is the phase I am going through, I wanted to ignore OM or send him that bitchy response. But instead I sent him a short, to the point email answering his basic questions and telling him to contact a physician. I also told him I felt very uncomfortable answering questions when I didn't have all the required information. And I told him although I was flattered that he valued my opinion, he shouldn't contact me anymore.

[BB07]

I'm going to guess that you OM had a weak moment and he went fishing because he needed to know if you'd ignore him or not. He probably excused himself breaking NC because it was a health related question, but still he broke it and it's really selfish on his part. I see it as being very manipulative because he knew it was a pretty sure thing that you'd respond if it was concerning his child. He knows your weaknesses and unfortunately some people will use them against us.

 

MBM your response was the best you could do under the circumstances. Perhaps you need to take what ever measures it requires to block him on his next fishing trip so you won't be put on the spot. I know it's hard to do.....but if you intend on putting him behind you, it's required.

 

Good luck!

[ver13]

... what to do!

 

I have posted about my story a few times. Basically, I'm in a commited relationship, and reconnected with an old flame, fell head over heels only to be dumped after telling OM I would leave my spouse. Never were intimate, only kissed. Basic summary.

 

Tried to stay friends with OM since he was a college friend. After some cold exchanges, he finally told me that his new GF didn't look kindly upon us talking or seeing each other. No problem. That hurt more, but I felt it was best in the end because that meant NC which is probably the best way for me to deal with the hurt and humiliation not to mention to focus on my family and my spouse who is, regardless of his failings, an ok guy who really loves me.

 

OM breaks NC this morning sending me an email saying he's been really busy at work but his daughter has a medicla problem and he wants my opinion (since I work in the medical field). My first reflex is to just ignore the email... but I feel really bad for his daughter. My second reflex is to tell him to contact his daughter's physician if he is that worried.

 

I know from the tone of the email that he isn't trying to suck me back in. It's a very cool email... it's obvious he just really wants my advice. It makes me feel kind of used, and my 3rd reflex is to tell him to ask his new GF what she thinks (who has nothing to do in the medical field btw), but I know that will just stroke his ego (he has a HUGE ego).

 

What would you do????

You answered your own question in your post already the OM may have told you one thing but his actions have provided you with the REAL truth. As your H actions have shown his true colors too, I mean he's still there by your side through think and thin to the end it looks like. Why even entertain the idea of responding to the OMs little fishing trip. Your a grown woman who knows what this can and will lead to as it has in the past. Just move on with your life you already tried to take a step back and it didn't work why not keep going forward instead. The past is never what we really remember it to be otherwise you and the OM would be the one's going through this right now instead of the Gentlemen that's putting up with your issues in such valiant form.

[anne1707]

mbm

 

Owl is giving you rock solid advice. If you are wanting to make things work with your H then you should not have any contact with the OM even is it all seems so innocent. You are keeping the door open by responding to his request for help - he is more than capable of getting help from another physician if he really wanted.

 

I am posting a link to a thread I started a long time ago after my affair ended about contact I had with the ex-OM. I thought my actions were innocent but as you will see, the views of everybody else here on LS differed. I still work with the ex-OM but I have never ever put myself in such a situation with him again where conversation went beyond work as I do not need or want to have any more contact with him than I have to. It would also be incredibly disrespectful of my H to do so and I am not prepared to do that.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166798/

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that your OM's approach may be innocent but it could seriously backfire on you and your marriage. You saying you were flattered that he approached you already makes the contact personal and was an unnecessary remark in establishing NC.

[Emme]

Since you work in the medical I am sure you can find another party to give him the advice that he needs. It's not being rude to do so. Help for his child is his primary concern so this should not be an issue. Don't get sucked back in. Next thing you know you're comforting him because he's stressed over the situation. Feel compassion and leave it at that.

[mbm69]

You saying you were flattered that he approached you already makes the contact personal and was an unnecessary remark in establishing NC.

 

Yup, I see that, and you are right, I shouldn't of said that to him, it was unnecessary.

 

Anyway, what's done is done, I sent out my response and it's over with.

 

And I think you are all right, he was probably fishing... he knows me well, and he knows how compassionate I am, especially when it regards sick kids. Even if he didn't ask how I was, he got into my weak side. I can't believe I can't see it unless someone points it out to me. I'm bright when it comes to books, but I'm a dumb dumb when it comes to people.

 

I'm going to deactivate the email he was using to contact me... I only use it for 2 or 3 people, so it won't be a huge burden. I've already blocked him from viewing my stuff on FB. And I've erased him from my contacts on my cell phone. He's never called on my cell phone and he doesn't use text messages so I see no reason to block him there... but if I have to I will.

[East7]

... what to do!

 

I have posted about my story a few times. Basically, I'm in a commited relationship, and reconnected with an old flame, fell head over heels only to be dumped after telling OM I would leave my spouse. Never were intimate, only kissed. Basic summary.

 

It sounds like no one has noticed this ! It speaks volumes to me.

 

Let me get this straight : you "offered" him to leave your H and be with him and all he found was to dump you ???

 

If he ever wanted to be with you he wouldn't have chicken out and dump you to begin with. This man never wanted to be with you !

 

Now he is finding a "touching" excuse to contact you..this is low. All he wants is to play with you, get your interest back. You are still emotionally attached to him and wondering why is he contacting you. If you were over him, you wouldn't even care.

 

You have done good work so far with your H. Don't ruin it being sucked back and played for a fool.

I suggest don't even answer..He dumped you ! Don't forget that.

[fooled once]

I don't think he's using his daughter to get to me. I think he just knows that I'll answer with some useful advice (which I've always done)... He just seems worried about his daughter. He didn't even ask how I was in the email... that shows how not preoccupied he is with me.

 

I guess my response would be dependent on if you've left your spouse yet.

 

You mentioned you were going to leave your spouse...has that started/completed yet?

 

If you've left him...and you're still considering a relationship with OM...then use this as an opportunity to explore that.

 

If you've not left him...complete that process before you pursue anything here.

 

From where I'm at...short term, I wouldn't respond AT ALL IN ANY FASHION if you're still married. If you're still not sure on divorce...absolutely you shouldn't respond.

 

If you're free and available...then respond.

 

Pretty straightforward if you think about it.

 

And...his ONLY purpose in contacting you is to resume contact...of course he can and has contacted his daughter's physician already...he's got no real reason he "has to" contact you. He did so because he wanted to, and it was a convenient excuse...nothing more.

 

To use his kids medical situation as an excuse to contact you is real low.. Even more so since his gf isn't happy about any contact. Cool email or not, he shouldn't have contacted you, since he asked for NC..He also didn't even consider how you'd feel by hearing from him.

 

Anyway, I would email him back, give him the info he needs. Tell him you hope his daughter feels better soon. Then make it clear to him that it would be best that he talks to her doctor about this stuff and to not contact you again.

 

I agree with many of the others. He was fishing. If he knew she had a medical condition, why didn't he just ask his doctors for more info or ... better still.... USE GOOGLE.

 

He was fishing.

 

I see that you sent him a note. I hope you do not contact him anymore. I think this contact may set you back because you might be going over and over it in your mind

 

Good luck!!

[mbm69]

If he ever wanted to be with you he wouldn't have chicken out and dump you to begin with. This man never wanted to be with you !

 

Don't you think I realize that??? That is why I am so angry with him (and myself). I'm stupid, but not THAT stupid. I know I was played. I just didn't think he was playing me when he was talking about his kid... a sick kid is something I just cannot ignore.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, I see that, and you are right, I shouldn't of said that to him, it was unnecessary.

 

Anyway, what's done is done, I sent out my response and it's over with.

 

And I think you are all right, he was probably fishing... he knows me well, and he knows how compassionate I am, especially when it regards sick kids. Even if he didn't ask how I was, he got into my weak side. I can't believe I can't see it unless someone points it out to me. I'm bright when it comes to books, but I'm a dumb dumb when it comes to people.

 

I'm going to deactivate the email he was using to contact me... I only use it for 2 or 3 people, so it won't be a huge burden. I've already blocked him from viewing my stuff on FB. And I've erased him from my contacts on my cell phone. He's never called on my cell phone and he doesn't use text messages so I see no reason to block him there... but if I have to I will.

No, you're not dumb. You're trusting and you see the good in people and give them the benefit of doubt. THAT is a wonderful trait to have..But, unfortunately certain types out there (HIM) will take advantage and you'll get hurt.

DO NOT put yourself down. If I see you do this again, I'll come tickle you until you pee your pants! :laugh:

[mbm69]

No, you're not dumb. You're trusting and you see the good in people and give them the benefit of doubt. THAT is a wonderful trait to have..But, unfortunately certain types out there (HIM) will take advantage and you'll get hurt.

DO NOT put yourself down. If I see you do this again, I'll come tickle you until you pee your pants! :laugh:

 

You have been so nice to me... thank you for that last post, it made me smile.

 

SO has told me that my trusting and seeing the good in people is my most attractive quality but also my greatest weakness, because people tend to take advantage of me.

[Flabbergaster]

Don't you think I realize that??? That is why I am so angry with him (and myself). I'm stupid, but not THAT stupid. I know I was played. I just didn't think he was playing me when he was talking about his kid... a sick kid is something I just cannot ignore.

Yes you can, and you have to in this situation. You don't help all the poor or sick people yourself, do you? This is a situation where someone else WILL help this sick child.

He might not be playing you here, he might be thinking "who can i get some good free advice from?" Well...unfortunately you are not on that list for him, not anymore. It is selfish of him to think that he can ask you this, if it was innocent. If you help him, he might call you when he's thinking "who do i know that can tell me a good mexican restaurant?" or other trivial things.

If this is a manipulation ploy, then it is selfish of him. Either way...your polite response to seek advice of a doctor is more than enough action on your part to help the sick kid.