My wife of 5 months had a threesome...and I wasn't one of the 3!!!

[SadinNYC]

I have been married for only 5 months. I recently found out, by accidentally seeing an email, that my wife had a threesome with a guy and a girl about 3 weeks ago. She denied it continously until I told her that I had proof. She first said they just kissed a little. I finally confronted her to be completely honest b/c I knew the truth, I just needed to hear it from her. We argued and she finally admitted it.

 

I have no doubt that it was a one time meaningless drunken thing, but I am devastated reguardless. I am having a hard time. I love her very much, but I am so angry that she did this to me. How can I ever trust her again? I've only been married 5 months! Part of me wants to get her back. I know this is wrong, but its how I feel.

 

I will admit that our sex life has been the most amazing. We go thru several weeks of not having sex. Otherwise, we have a relly good relationship. Am I a fool to remain in this relationship? Should I get out early? Is this a sign of a neverending pattern?

 

I'm having trouble concentrating at work (I took today off) and it's really affecting me emotionally.

[Darkangelism]

That is pretty bad. First decide if you still want to be with her, if yes then go to marriage counselling, otherwise, leave.

[faux]

Your wife cheated on you, and then repeatedly lied about it until you had physical proof. I would say that these are major problems that you will have to take a lot of time to think about. To me, drunkenness is no excuse for such activities, and I would not be able to trust this person again.

 

As of right now, what she has done is enough reason to get a divorce, depending on how you feel about the situation. Again, I believe the main issues you need to think about here are that she both cheated, and lied to you. Perhaps you are comfortable enough to write off the betrayal due to her drinking, but the repeated lying was very conscious.

 

Perhaps you two can work this out through counseling, but you may never be able to trust her again. I also see that you said that you were not part of the threesome. Even if you had been part of it, the threesome would have caused such problems down the line.

 

No matter what you choose to do, I hope that it puts your mind and heart at ease. This is certainly something that one should not have to deal with.

[SadinNYC]

I can't believe that I am having to deal with this. It's like being stabbed with a knife.

 

We actually had a decent conversation last night after the truth was finally in the open. I just don't know how I can ever trust her again. But at the same time, I don't want to be that annoying jealous husband who is on her case 24/7 about how she is with and where she is going.

 

I guess counseling is what needs to happen.

[reservoirdog1]

Hey, at least you got a heads-up when you did. In my case, TBXW started an affair about 6 weeks after our wedding that lasted for months. I didn't know about it till she finally confessed, seven years later, by which time we had 2 kids. And it wasn't her only affair.

 

If you choose to get out, at least you can do it without a lot of reminders of the past. I love my kids, but in order to see them, at least once per week I have to see the ex as well. I can't look at her these days without remembering what a lying, cheating, manipulative person she is.

 

Funny story... she's getting baptized during Easter weekend. After our separation she decided to get religion. Maybe that God of hers has some use for her. Because I sure don't.

[spencer]

sorry, she was soooo wrong.

are you upset that she had a 3some, or just that you weren't one of the three?

I'd be pissed both ways.

ummm, would she be ok, if you had sex behind her back with two girls.

i have a sorta-friend who does this behind her finance's back. its sad.

she could have included you for a great 4some, but she was selfish.

and the other guy would have probably been uncomfortable with you there, making me extra pissed.

 

you need to have a 3some with two hot chicks, just to level the playing field.

don't flame me, I've said it before, I know I'm evil

[fredrolin]

apparently your wife isn't ready for married life.

 

I don't care how drunk she was, the average newlywed in love with her husband doesn't go out to have 3somes.

 

Could you ever seriously forgive and forget?

 

If you do take her back it will give her the upper hand and she will lose all respect for you; thus she could cheat again.

--

 

I know a woman like your wife. She was married to her 2nd husband for 10 years and cheated on him and had guys on the side throughout the whole marriage, even a week after the wedding. she only married this sap because he owned 2 houses, had a good job and took good care of her.

She divorced him because he became a real a*hole over the years, but her treating him like dirt led to his actions. He didn't want the divorce.

[amerikajin]

>>>I have no doubt that it was a one time meaningless drunken thing<<<

 

You don't? I would - I would have major doubts. A simple law of human nature is that you can never ever judge people by what they tell you. What people say is always censored by the individual, and you'll only hear what someone is willing to tell you. Actions, however, are there for you to see. Judge the behavior, not the words. Right now, I'd say her behavior's pretty much telling you she isn't trustworthy.

 

>>> How can I ever trust her again?<<<

 

Good question. How can you?

 

>>>I've only been married 5 months! Part of me wants to get her back. I know this is wrong, but its how I feel. <

 

Yes, this is wrong - don't do it. I think your situation's pretty cut and dry: either you give it one more shot or you don't. Divorce isn't an easy decision and I don't necessarily think cheating per se should automatically result in divorce, but I have to admit that I don't like the apparent facts of this case. The fact is, she's barely five months into a marriage and she's already sneaking around, getting herself involved in threesomes. Had you not found the email, you might not have known, and I'm sorry, but you don't know whether this is the first time she's done this to you. She might be putting you at risk for picking up an STD. Hate to be so brutally blunt, but that's the way I see it. If it were me, I'd be getting in touch with a divorce lawyer; but that's just me.

[Arabess]

I think your marriage is a great big mess and it you can't patch it up through some extensive counselling.....you should consider leaving it.

 

It doesn't matter if she was drunk, slept with one guy or two other people. She cheated on YOU. How you handle it depends on if you can get passed it eventually and feel you can find trust her again. Some couples work through this things....others don't seem to be able to.

 

The ball is in your court....and the choice is yours.

 

You MUST feel devastated and I'm sorry you are going through this pain.

[Dug]

If it was my life....I'd be referring to her as ex-wife. I've been in a similar situation and I never got beyond it with her. God bless you if you can, but you'll never forget it and it will be like a cancer in remission. Good Luck.

[HiDDeN PiGLeT]

she made a commitment to you and your marriage. there's no excuse for what she did. where was she that she was getting so drunk? how could she go out and do that knowing that you werent there? what if something worst had happen like she got into an accident and herself or others? there's so much to be considered. she made the choice of getting into marriage.

[jmargel]

I would seriously think about getting away from her for at least a week or two. Make it VERY difficult for her to get back into your life. I'm not saying leave her, but make her think that it could very well be over. If you say 'Ok, we'll get back together' I can guarantee you that she'll do this again.

 

Why wasn't your sex life good before? When something like that changes you should look into the reasons. It could very well be that she's been having other affairs behind your back as well. She doesnt take you or the vows seriously and she needs to mature. She has no respect for you, and you can't trust her. Trust is earned, not given.

 

Its time for you to now set the ground rules. If she is going to be defensive and try to blame any of this on you, then that is a sign that its going to happen again. My recommendation for at least this weekend is to spend it somewhere else other than with her. Tell her you want time to think about things. That'll give her time to think about what she has done as well.

[NotaBadGuy]

Get out while you still have you're sanity. Alcohol or no alcohol, it should have never happened. Like Arabess said, cheating is cheating. Point blank. My ex wife decided to play around on me after 4 months of marriage. And then lied to me about it. If this happened this early in the marriage, then there is the propensity for it to happen again. Think long and hard, but be rationale at the same time. If you truly believe marriage counseling can help to rectify the harm done, then go for it. Once trust is breached, it takes a heck of a lot of time to get it back - and it never fully is restored. Otherwise, get out before the legal aspects of the situation become more of a problem. Good luck my friend!

[SadinNYC]

I appreciate everybody's input. We are going to talk to a professional this week. God I hope it does some good! I can't keep my sanity if I keep feeling this way. I try to take my mind off things, but it seems that everything out there always brings me back to thinking about it.