What's the best way to avoid getting friendzoned?

[somedude81]

It's happened to me so many times I lost count.

 

I'm going to be having lunch with a girl in my dance class in a couple of days, and I have absolutely no idea what she thinks of me or what she thinks I'm after.

 

I've learned long ago that asking a girl out for lunch and getting her phone number, is not enough for them to figure out I'm interested. I swear, girls are terrible at reading signals

 

So what can I do or say to make sure that she knows without me coming on too strong.

 

Before anybody says it; it's too soon to go for a kiss. This will be the first time I've seen her out of class.

[ConflictedGuy27]

you get friendzoned again and again because you believe silly notions like it's too soon to kiss somebody on the first date...

 

and what is this dance class you're taking?

...lord help you if it's ballroom or something with a knee jerk, feminine connotation.

[AA11390]

It's happened to me so many times I lost count.

 

I'm going to be having lunch with a girl in my dance class in a couple of days, and I have absolutely no idea what she thinks of me or what she thinks I'm after.

 

I've learned long ago that asking a girl out for lunch and getting her phone number, is not enough for them to figure out I'm interested. I swear, girls are terrible at reading signals

 

So what can I do or say to make sure that she knows without me coming on too strong.

 

Before anybody says it; it's too soon to go for a kiss. This will be the first time I've seen her out of class.

 

Were you already friends with her before you made these lunch plans, or is it the first time you will be getting to know her? If you were already friends she may not necessarily think you are interested, however if thats not the case, then I doubt she thinks of it as just a friendly thing. As far as coming on too strong, its different for different girls. Many inexperienced, and classy girls may not feel comfortable with you making a move on the first date. You do however have to make a move somewhat quickly to secure your spot outside the dirty realm that is the friend zone. I think playing it safe on the first date is your best bet as 1. it doesn't scare the girl away and 2. its too soon to place urself into the friendzone unless u really f**k it up lol...However, if you wait till past the 2nd or 3rd dates if there is one, and don't make any move, then theres a much better chance you will be in the place you don't want to be. So yeah, just go with the flow, see what kind of vibe you get, if you don't like the vibe play it safe temporarily, but at the same time timing is key so don't wait more than necessary. Hope this helps! Goodluck

[youaretheone]

To be honest, as long as you make assumptions, try to abide by dating rules and try to be nice and polite to this girl by no or very little physical contact, you are destined to fall in the friends zone.

 

What I do is, I flirt with her, tease her and touch her. Touching is a major part of showing attraction. I used to be afraid of touching girls or busting on them before and I always tasted the wrath of "let's stay friends.". Now I am more forward. I touch her arm, leg, I banter her into kissing me, etc. Be playful.

 

You need to push the boundaries. It is ok if she rejects. Then you get your answer.

 

I am not telling you to try to have sex with her in the first date. Just light touches, holding her waist or her hand when you two are walking and a kiss if you have already established some physical contact.

[smudge21]

Don't be too open with her. Friends share everything about each other, and can talk about anything. Be a bit more elusive and sometimes not available, the total opposite of a friend in many ways.

[mogul]

First off, dinner and drinks. Not lunch. If you feel there is a connection, initiate some touching or get closer. End it with a kiss.

[ConflictedGuy27]

three in a row's pretty uncommon, OP.

 

youaretheone, smudge & mogul all hit bullseye with their advice.

touching is the biggest difference between friends & romantic interests.

 

know how to touch em?

[Emilia]

clear communication of sexual interest. my last ex did that very well. he was very clear from the beginning that he wasn't interested in being friends only and I made up my mind quickly whether I wanted to start dating him or lose him completely.

 

sometimes you have to break eggs

[Duckduckgoose]

Well let her drink enough alcohol for something to happen... not sex or clothes off sorts of things, but just relaxed enough to kiss you or flirt with you more.

 

She might regret it in the morning or she might not:)

 

The first time you kiss a new person is pretty stressful. Thankfully beer and liquor are there to help!

[carhill]

Reading the OP only, I'll opine that dance class girl already decided a long time ago whether she'd respond favorably to physical affection like a kiss, so IMO it's not 'too soon' if social circumstances dictate and you *feel* like it.

 

Simply, either you're in (she likes you in a sexual/romantic way) or you're out (rejected regarding same). Then, armed with that information, you make choices which are healthy for yourself. That's how you avoid the friendzone. As a wise poster opined many moons ago, men don't get put into the friendzone, they *choose* it. Looking back upon my many life anecdotes, I see he was exactly right

[betterdeal]

You become a friend because you choose to. You choose to not take any risks, to not expose yourself to the risk of rejection or possibly even acceptance. You want something impossible: a risk free, guaranteed, no chances taken relationship full of unconditional love and attraction and no problems whatsoever. That's not what human beings are about. They have choices too, and likes and dislikes, and more often than not imperfections. They have free will. If you want a comfort object, get a blanky.

 

If you want a relationship, you *have* a relationship with this girl. It is up to you and her to develop it, nurture it, ensure it grows healthily and well between you. If you fancy her, for f*ck's sake, just tell her, either with words or actions. When you get that feeling, that urge, that sense within you that and she are in the right frame of mind to do so, do so.

 

As my tango teacher says, "Dance first, think later"

[somedude81]

you get friendzoned again and again because you believe silly notions like it's too soon to kiss somebody on the first date...

I think there is more to it than that.

Were you already friends with her before you made these lunch plans, or is it the first time you will be getting to know her?

 

If you were already friends she may not necessarily think you are interested, however if thats not the case, then I doubt she thinks of it as just a friendly thing.

First time getting to know her. We flirt a bit in class when she actually shows up. We haven't actually talked that much.

 

 

As far as coming on too strong, its different for different girls. Many inexperienced, and classy girls may not feel comfortable with you making a move on the first date. You do however have to make a move somewhat quickly to secure your spot outside the dirty realm that is the friend zone. I think playing it safe on the first date is your best bet as 1. it doesn't scare the girl away and 2. its too soon to place urself into the friendzone unless u really f**k it up lol...However, if you wait till past the 2nd or 3rd dates if there is one, and don't make any move, then theres a much better chance you will be in the place you don't want to be.

OK then there is no pressure for this thing. If I do take her out dancing, then that would be something I would have to make a move afterwords.

To be honest, as long as you make assumptions, try to abide by dating rules and try to be nice and polite to this girl by no or very little physical contact, you are destined to fall in the friends zone.

 

What I do is, I flirt with her, tease her and touch her. Touching is a major part of showing attraction. I used to be afraid of touching girls or busting on them before and I always tasted the wrath of "let's stay friends.". Now I am more forward. I touch her arm, leg,

I got no problem touching her. I always touch her when I say hi. And when we dance she likes to get really close.

 

I banter her into kissing me, etc.

I have no idea how to do that.

You need to push the boundaries.

And no idea where those really are. Though I do think my boundaries are much lower than what most people think is perfectly fine.

 

I am not telling you to try to have sex with her in the first date. Just light touches, holding her waist or her hand when you two are walking and a kiss if you have already established some physical contact.

I can try holding her but it's that for more established couples? I'm also a super horny guy so walking with extended contact like that might not be the best idea

Don't be too open with her. Friends share everything about each other, and can talk about anything. Be a bit more elusive and sometimes not available, the total opposite of a friend in many ways.

Interesting. I do have a habit of sharing a lot with girls when I'm starting to know them. I need to find the balance.

First off, dinner and drinks. Not lunch. If you feel there is a connection, initiate some touching or get closer. End it with a kiss.

Well let her drink enough alcohol for something to happen... not sex or clothes off sorts of things, but just relaxed enough to kiss you or flirt with you more.

 

She might regret it in the morning or she might not:)

 

The first time you kiss a new person is pretty stressful. Thankfully beer and liquor are there to help!

I get the feeling that she might not be 21 yet. I need to find out about that.

 

There's always booze at my house but I'd have to get her over here somehow first.

 

Dinner and drinks can also be expensive.

clear communication of sexual interest. my last ex did that very well. he was very clear from the beginning that he wasn't interested in being friends only and I made up my mind quickly whether I wanted to start dating him or lose him completely.

 

sometimes you have to break eggs

know how to touch em?

 

That's what I'm asking about.

 

I don't know how to do a clear communication of sexual interest. Sure I can grab her ass and tell her that I want to F her but that's obviously not going to work.

 

How do you touch a girl in a sexual way without going too far?

Reading the OP only, I'll opine that dance class girl already decided a long time ago whether she'd respond favorably to physical affection like a kiss, so IMO it's not 'too soon' if social circumstances dictate and you *feel* like it.

Heh, so she's already decided how she's going to react if I try to kiss her?

 

I still don't have a clear grasp on what the social circumstances are; meaning when a kiss is actually expected. (Funny, I first typed in accepted and had to change it to expected. That shows how my thinking is.)

 

Simply, either you're in (she likes you in a sexual/romantic way) or you're out (rejected regarding same). Then, armed with that information, you make choices which are healthy for yourself. That's how you avoid the friendzone. As a wise poster opined many moons ago, men don't get put into the friendzone, they *choose* it. Looking back upon my many life anecdotes, I see he was exactly right

The issue I have, is that I don't have the full intel. Or if I do have it, I don't know how to read it. Since I never know if I'm in or out, I play it safe and end up in the friendzone.

 

I also never know what the girl thinks of me. I simply can't tell if she wants to be friends or more. All I know is that she has shown some interest in me as a human.

[GivenUp0083]

It's happened to me so many times I lost count.

 

I'm going to be having lunch with a girl in my dance class in a couple of days, and I have absolutely no idea what she thinks of me or what she thinks I'm after.

 

I've learned long ago that asking a girl out for lunch and getting her phone number, is not enough for them to figure out I'm interested. I swear, girls are terrible at reading signals

 

So what can I do or say to make sure that she knows without me coming on too strong.

 

Before anybody says it; it's too soon to go for a kiss. This will be the first time I've seen her out of class.

 

If a girl ever uses the excuse for not dating you because you are friends and she doesn't want to risk losing the friendship.....it's the long answer to be translated into "I don't want to date you".

 

This response would be the EXACT SAME if you were a random guy she met at a party and you asked her out. She would just say she's not interested.

 

Being friends with a girl first is a great way to get to know them, allow them to get to know you for who you really are, and they can become more comfortable.

 

I, personally, am someone who is open minded and I don't like to limit myself to not taking an opportunity to date someone I care about just because we were friends first. Would you want to date a girl that is so closed-minded?

 

Here's what I say to women who have rejected me in the past due to being "friends"....

 

"that's fine if you're not interested, I've just really liked getting to know you these last few months and I figured you deserved a to find a great guy." Then smile/wink and walk away. Put it in your head that you're James Bond and start talking to another girl almost immediately. Spark a random conversation. Maybe even tell her you just took a big chance on asking out a friend and it didn't pan out, then ask her if she "wants to get out of here" and grab a drink somewhere and just talk.

 

You'll have another potential date with a new girl lined up, and the friendzone girl may reconsider her feelings after seeing you leave with another girl.

 

Supply and Demand my friend. If you get "friendzoned" it's because you're not confident in your own product and you're not in demand.

[mogul]

Dinner and drinks or just drinks is the way to go. A semi loud lounge setting would be idea. Sitting on couches face to face convo and you put your hand on her back right about her buttox, lean in and talk to her behind her ear. Say something cute like, "I'm really glad you came out tonight" turn to her, smile and kiss if she smiles back.

[betterdeal]

I don't know how to do a clear communication of sexual interest. Sure I can grab her ass and tell her that I want to F her but that's obviously not going to work.

 

What do you want to do? Hug her? Touch her face? Then hug, or touch her face, or go in for a kiss. You might hug her and it gets more involved and more grinding and fondling, and your temperatures rise, your pulse quickens, your loins are stirring...

 

Or you might pucker up and lean forward for a kiss, and first it's just lips on lips and you withdraw a little then back again and this time a little bit of tongue touching tongue and the hands start to touch her back more, to explore her skin, start to kneed the flesh a bit more and you feel yourselves getting more involved and words disappear and sounds, and everything but you and her.

 

Or you might be having a lively conversation and it's a bit jocular and you say, almost out of the blue, "can I cum on your tits?" with a cheeky smile, and you both run off upstairs and strip, and bite and scratch and f*ck like dogs.

 

I've done all of these and they've worked in some cases and not in others. She might reject any of these. That's her right. You can choose to back off if she does. You can choose to move back in again if you feel she is more receptive. Point is, you do what you feel is right at that moment. No plans, just you, and her, and two become one.

[somedude81]

If a girl ever uses the excuse for not dating you because you are friends and she doesn't want to risk losing the friendship.....it's the long answer to be translated into "I don't want to date you".

 

This response would be the EXACT SAME if you were a random guy she met at a party and you asked her out. She would just say she's not interested.

Yeah I've heard that before. That's basically the girl telling you, "Sorry, you've been friendzoned."

 

I've also heard, I don't know want to date anybody right now, which really means, "I don't want to date you."

Being friends with a girl first is a great way to get to know them, allow them to get to know you for who you really are, and they can become more comfortable.

 

I, personally, am someone who is open minded and I don't like to limit myself to not taking an opportunity to date someone I care about just because we were friends first. Would you want to date a girl that is so closed-minded?

Personally, I would love to be friends first with a girl then move right on to a relationship.

 

But my experiences have told me that once I become friends with a girl, the door to date her is closed and locked and can never be opened again.

 

So what I need to figure out how to do, is to avoid becoming friends with a girl at all. It's very easy and natural for me to become friends with women.

 

But showing sexual interest is very difficult. I don't really know how or when to do it.

 

Supply and Demand my friend. If you get "friendzoned" it's because you're not confident in your own product and you're not in demand.

That is another issue.

 

It's hard to be confident in a product nobody wants to buy. I keep trying, hoping I'll get lucky.

[carhill]

I also never know what the girl thinks of me. I simply can't tell if she wants to be friends or more. All I know is that she has shown some interest in me as a human.

If she's standing at your bed holding your hand when you die, then you'll know exactly what she thinks of you. Until then, accept the mystery. You'll *never* know, even when she kisses you, has sex with you and marries you. You'll *never* know. Death is a long way off, so *accept* it.

[somedude81]

Dinner and drinks or just drinks is the way to go. A semi loud lounge setting would be idea. Sitting on couches face to face convo and you put your hand on her back right about her buttox, lean in and talk to her behind her ear. Say something cute like, "I'm really glad you came out tonight" turn to her, smile and kiss if she smiles back.

That is really smooth. (No sarcasm)

 

But as I mentioned before, I don't know if she's 21. That does give me ideas for other girls I will meet.

 

Betterdeal

 

Thanks for the tips.

 

So it starts with physical contact and becomes more intense?

If she's standing at your bed holding your hand when you die, then you'll know exactly what she thinks of you. Until then, accept the mystery. You'll *never* know, even when she kisses you, has sex with you and marries you. You'll *never* know. Death is a long way off, so *accept* it.

Wow, that's some food for thought.

 

I guess the only time I can ever truly know is when she tells me "no."

Edited March 15, 2011 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Anybody have an idea of what I should do or try to talk about when I'm actually on a date with a girl?

 

We're getting lunch, after that I don't know.

 

Tomorrow could be a make-it or break-it day. And I'm afraid of screwing up.

[runner]

Anybody have an idea of what I should do or try to talk about when I'm actually on a date with a girl?

 

We're getting lunch, after that I don't know.

 

Tomorrow could be a make-it or break-it day. And I'm afraid of screwing up.

 

BE A GOOD LISTENER !!! ...i rarely do the all-caps yelling thing but i think this response warrants it. girls toss out a bunch of clues as to what they'd like to talk about and learn about you. follow along and she'll take her panties off.

 

As my tango teacher says, "Dance first, think later"

abso-freeging-lutely

[Ruby Slippers]

First off, dinner and drinks. Not lunch. If you feel there is a connection, initiate some touching or get closer. End it with a kiss.

I agree completely. Lunch? I have lunch with my FRIENDS and business associates. I only have lunch with a man I want as more than a friend after we've already gotten physical.

 

In your other thread, my advice was to ask her out DANCING. When you go out dancing, it's nighttime, it's dark, and your hands are already on her body. She'd probably wear something a little sexy and you'd get to let her know how much you like that. You can get drinks, get a little sweaty. This is a no-brainer.

 

Next time, ask her out on a DATE, at NIGHT, not the equivalent of a knitting circle or afternoon tea.

[TouchedByViolet]

- Dress well/look your best

- Make physical or romantic advances that are appropriate. Maybe start with something simple like a complement about her outfit, hair, or smile. Be genuine about it and gauge her response.

- Listen twice as much as you talk

- Share a funny story

- Try to enjoy yourself

 

There are no steps that guarantee success however maximizing your looks and enjoying yourself are ways to improve your chances.

[somedude81]

I agree completely. Lunch? I have lunch with my FRIENDS and business associates. I only have lunch with a man I want as more than a friend after we've already gotten physical.

Oh! Then should I cancel?

 

If it gives her any hint that I just want to be friends then I don't want to do it.

 

Dancing is a great idea. Right now my car is f-ing up so I can't make any plans that involve me driving until I can get it working, which shouldn't be more than a few days.

 

But I want to make a move on this chick and get things started.

 

Ugh what do I do!!!!!!

 

Why is this dating thing so f-ing complicated?!

[carhill]

Go to lunch.

 

Make dancing date.

 

Fix car.

 

Go dancing.

 

Kiss girl.

 

Any questions?

 

If she declines anything, erase her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Go to lunch.

 

Make dancing date.

 

Fix car.

 

Go dancing.

 

Kiss girl.

 

Any questions?

 

If she declines anything, erase her.

Listen to the man.

 

No, don't cancel the date. But don't let her go on much longer not being 100% clear on the fact that you WANT HER, not that you want to be her friend.

 

TouchedByViolet is right -- let her do at least twice as much talking. Ask her questions about herself. Give her the spotlight and let her shine. People usually don't remember exactly what you said... they remember how you made them feel.

 

Definitely compliment her appearance. In a genuine way. Don't compliment her outfit (superficial). Compliment something about HER. Eyes, smile, laugh, hands.

 

Her reaction just to this should tell you a lot. If she thinks of you as a friend, it'll be more of a "thanks!" (that's sweet) kind of vibe. If she wants you to be more than a friend, she'll either get embarrassed or demure, giggle, or get really happy that you said it.

 

And next time, go dancing, or at the very least on a DATE.