An Update on my life since xMW

[FightClub]

So much perspective and change has happened in the five months of NC with my xMW, the amazing stories and threads I've read, participated in and viewed each contain bits and pieces of things I didn't understand while I was in the brunt of the EA/PAwith my xMW.

 

I remembered when I first found the site, I was so desperately trying to seek out the answers to the questions that were burning in the back of my mind. I thought that closure would come from talking to her again back then. I've come to the conclusion and found the answers within myself, piece by piece without her.

 

I'm finding out more and more that I lost a lot of my self-respect and I didn't really notice the damage of the affair and how much pain it was slowly inflicting on both of us, whatever the intentions were.

 

All I can say is I feel like I'm at a better place and I'm moving closer to having the power to continue to make better decisions for my life as the days go by.

 

There was even a time when the images, the flashbacks, hearing her voice would replay in my mind over and over, they've slowly faded but I have a feeling that she will always linger in my mind but I'm man enough to know that it's okay, I won't demean our friendship/relationship whatever you want to call it, it felt like true love over the course of a year and I've continued to mourn it slowly day by day.

 

And to be honest, I'm thankful she recognized that we both made poor choices and she let me go, there's a huge part of me that feels that she cared enough to spare me the pain of possibly continuing something that could have wrecked even worse havoc in our lives, instead of it lingering, perhaps she also recognized it wasn't fair to continue something without the possibility of ever ending what was clearly still in motion.

 

For once I just feel, whole again, with a few puzzle pieces missing, of course.

 

Whatever the future holds...I'll be there.

 

Thanks, guys.

 

 

-FC

Edited March 15, 2011 by FightClub

[East7]

Hi FC,

I'm glad for you mate.

 

Puting your life on hold for someone who will never be yours is emotionally consuming and living in chronic sadness. I have been there..It looks like real love but at the end you tell yourself "If she really loved me why the hell did she stay with another man?"

 

I think you will move on better and faster if you date someone new and enjoy a full time relationship.

[Happy Finally]

I am also happy for you FightClub and it's good to hear that you can move on and find peace. Some of us need to get there and those out there that have are glad to have you on their side now.

[Flabbergaster]

Just about one month of NC with OW after a month or two of LC. Today is a particularly difficult morning, lots of pieces feel missing, lots of flashbacks etc. Mutual friends mentioned her last night, saw a new picture, on a business trip near a spot i once went with her, several factors combining bringing the pain to forefront.

I'm very glad that you posted a report from further along the process of recovery, i needed that today. I hope you continue to do better, your progress report helped me, at least. Probably others are encouraged as well.

 

For me, a big part of LS is that I can see i'm not alone, the intense feelings of the A were not as unique as I thought. We don't see as many recovery posts as we see struggling posts; it's nice when someone shares news about getting closer to the light at end of tunnel.

[rainier]

Thank you for posting your success. I am still in the middle of an A where I know I am losing my self esteem by fighting for someone who will never be mine. Slowly I am feeling stronger but some days I am so weak. Your post really helps me believe that I will get there someday. You are very lucky and wish you happiness.

[FightClub]

It definitely took a lot of introspection, faith, work, friends, time alone with my thoughts to come to better point.

 

Mostly is learning & coping with the thought that you accept that it's over, you accept and you learn to move forward from that point on to what's worth fighting for in this life; sense of a self, who you are and how you can better yourself for the future.

 

I suspect those who find themselves in these situations, lose a sense of that because of the highs & lows from the affair dynamic EA/PA or both.

 

exMW and I connected very deeply and one thing I used to tell myself for a few weeks following the NC was that it got, 'too deep' and I'm not sure if its a good thing or bad thing...but I sure as hell felt more passionately about moving forward with my life when everything came crashing down.

 

No way to really know what happened on her end or what the end-result of the affair was but I know for me it's about healing and for those on the path towards healing...I have to agree as much as there is a part of me that still yearns/misses that connection I have to respect myself and stay NC and you should too.

 

Heal. Live. Love yourself. Let the future begin now. Godspeed guys.

 

-FC