davy Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 So I met this girl at a resort in the tropics and we basically spent the entire resort time together. She gave me her number and we started texting each other. I live in Toronto, she lives in Vancouver. We've been talking everyday for the past 4 months. I sent her a christmas present, and valentines day roses. We talk about personal stuff, tease each other, talk about seeing each other again, flirting, and just generally what we are currently doing every day. I never asked her if she had a bf, and over time I assumed she didn't. Then I started becoming a bit suspicious. I asked her friend, and her friend said she did have a bf. So i asked her if she really did. And she responded if she did, then would we still be friends, and talk, and see each other. She said she never told me because i never asked. And she never talked about him cause she only really sees him at night after where done talking (BC is 3 hours behind, she works nights). She says she likes me too, and she knows what shes saying is wrong. She says she really wants to keep talking to me, and wants to see me again. But she wouldn't go any further on how she feels about me, or him. I'm 25, shes 31. Seems like an impossible relationship.. but before all this, I was hopeful. She messaged me the next day, and ofcourse I couldnt resist to respond. and we talk normally.. but my replies are much slower and less flirty. Still don't know whats going on.. but I cant help to feel like shes just using me to fill a void in her life that maybe her bf isn't. I don't know, its bad enough that there's distance.. but the bf as well. I know this is a waste of time. but should I still be friends? Or even have a sliver of hope?
Jennie1 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Wow, I wouldn't even know what to say to that. Have the two of discussed a relationship between the two of you. Or has it been just friends talk? Myself and my boyfriend. Did the talking as just friends, once we saw eachother. (we've known eachother for years, he just moved away a few years back) We decided together we were gonna do the LDR thing. It does kinda sound like she is filling a void. If she kept him a secret from you. Me personally I would have to address further. It really is on you and what you want out of it. If you are happy with being friends and enjoy the time. Then I guess you could still remain friends. But, if you are hopeful, I don't know if you are setting yourself up. Even if in same city, she does have a BF, and to be LD seems hard. Personally, I would cut my losses and move on... Good luck and keep us posted
Rose T Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 So I met this girl at a resort in the tropics and we basically spent the entire resort time together. She gave me her number and we started texting each other. I live in Toronto, she lives in Vancouver. We've been talking everyday for the past 4 months. I sent her a christmas present, and valentines day roses. We talk about personal stuff, tease each other, talk about seeing each other again, flirting, and just generally what we are currently doing every day. I never asked her if she had a bf, and over time I assumed she didn't. Then I started becoming a bit suspicious. I asked her friend, and her friend said she did have a bf. So i asked her if she really did. And she responded if she did, then would we still be friends, and talk, and see each other. She said she never told me because i never asked. And she never talked about him cause she only really sees him at night after where done talking (BC is 3 hours behind, she works nights). She says she likes me too, and she knows what shes saying is wrong. She says she really wants to keep talking to me, and wants to see me again. But she wouldn't go any further on how she feels about me, or him. I'm 25, shes 31. Seems like an impossible relationship.. but before all this, I was hopeful. She messaged me the next day, and ofcourse I couldnt resist to respond. and we talk normally.. but my replies are much slower and less flirty. Still don't know whats going on.. but I cant help to feel like shes just using me to fill a void in her life that maybe her bf isn't. I don't know, its bad enough that there's distance.. but the bf as well. I know this is a waste of time. but should I still be friends? Or even have a sliver of hope? Hi Davy. There are two ways of looking at this thing. She clearly likes having you around, despite the fact that she's got a boyfriend. Which means that you could just hang in there for the next six months, maybe longer, being her "spare" guy, swapping messages, late night calls etc knowing all the time that when she goes offline with you, she's enjoying time with her flesh and blood boyfriend. OR you can say, you know what, this person (who I thought I knew, and liked, based on that knowledge), really isn't quite as special as I thought. She has standards and values in relationships which don't really correspond with mine. So I'm going to stop or at least phase out the contact with her - you don't have to explain why seeing as you're not an item - start getting out more in the evenings and making the most of my social groups, and see if I can't meet someone much cooler, who actually lives in the same city as me, to have a great spring and summer with and maybe more. The choice is yours.
Kelter82 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 It does sound like she is filling a void, though it's also possible that she's remained in contact with you because she feels something more between the two of you. My only word of advice is don't wait around. Don't turn down that cute girl at the starbucks because you have high hopes for this Vancouverite. Keep in touch if you want, but really, don't wait around. Whatever happens happens. Maybe she'll split with her guy and go visit you and you'll fall deeply in love and have many children together, maybe you'll be her void-filler or even just her friend, maybe she'll be your distant memory. Just don't wait.
creighton0123 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 If you're only interested in a romantic relationship with her, you'll be doing the two of you a huge disservice by continuing conversation. If you can settle with being an online friend who you occasionally meet in person, then you can continue while understanding that there is no romantic interest involved. If you can't be just her friend when it comes to your feelings for her, I would say cut off contact and move on.
folieadeux Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I would move on...she has a boyfriend and no, even though you didn't specifically ask, from your post it sounds like she led you on. Big time. She shouldn't have accepted gifts from you either knowing how you felt about her. I'd say go NC because it sounds like it'll be hard just being friends with her because of your feelings for her. Besides, you have to ask yourself if you really want to have someone in your life like that either. Sorry to be harsh, but I have zero tolerance for people that want to be in relationships and have their fun on the side too...it's just not fair for anyone involved.
Author davy Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Thanks everyone for your responses. Your responses are similar to what my friends have been telling me as well. I'm trying to cut off contact, but Im always wanting to talk to her again. It was something I looked forward to every day, and now I know I can't do it anymore. I would just end up devoting most of my time to her, and then get upset if it feels like she's spendng time with him. Is it wrong of me to give her the cold shoulder just because I found out she had a bf? I guess as the weather gets warmer, I can start playing sports outside again, ride my motorcycle, finally finish my professional designation, and hopefully meet some new people.
Kelter82 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Yup, that's the key. Keep busy so you don't spend your days pining (for the fjords!) for her. Not wrong of you to give her the cold shoulder at all. If she had been perfectly up front with you then there would be no reason for the cold shoulder, but she wasn't. She played with your heartstrings and it wasn't fair to you. Cold shoulder away.
paiger Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 That is the strangest coincidence.... I met my ex in the tropics in a resort too, and he also lives in Toronto and I live in Vancouver.... Except my ex and I are different ages. Hm, interesting
Jennie1 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Absolutely, cold shoulder. And wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. She didn't seem to worry about yours. And I think since you sound like you still want to talk to her. For yourself cold shoulder, stop cold turkey and quick. Like taking off a band aid, and get out there and have some fun
Author davy Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 So as an update.... I didn't talk to her for the first day in the past 4 months. I didn't contact her, and she didn't contact me... it felt like crap. 2nd day, she texts me. says Hi Bear(our pet names), I didn't respond and continue my workout at the gym. An hour later, she texts me again and says "I guess you don't want to talk to me anymore.." she was afraid I wouldn't want to talk to her anymore. I want to talk to her, but I also want to move on. Unless I can somehow manage to do both at the same time. I'm still disappointed she hasn't told me how she truly feels about me, or what was going on the past 4 months. I wish this could have turned out differently, I really did enjoy talking to her. But I guess I should probably just call it night and head to bed.
Jennie1 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I think you did the right thing. I know had to be hard to not talk to her being as you had been everyday for 4 months. Which then does seem she was decieving you. Everyday, and never came up she has a boyfriend and you guys have pet names. I know it will be harder. But, think would this be harder, if you let girls go by because you have hopes for her, who didn't even mention her boyfriend. Good luck to you, stay strong.
folieadeux Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 You definitely did the right thing, stick with the NC. You can never be anything more than friends while you both aren't single...it just isn't worth it.
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