clashcity19 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I moved from Texas to Washington to be with a guy. My first mistake, I suppose. We were living together and things were a bit tumultuous at times, but it didn't seem so horrible to me. Due to being in a strange living situation (his dad lived in the basement apartment and his sister rented from the main house where we lived) we decided it might be better for our relationship for me to get my own place. There was no discussion of breaking up, just a different living arrangement. So I move out, and all of the sudden he starts slowly phasing himself out. Not calling as much, not staying over as promised, etc. When I questioned him, he sent me an email while I was at work at a new job saying he can't be in the relationship anymore. I couldn't believe it! I have no one here! I am utterly and completely alone and he won't even admit that he had it planned that way all along. So shady and so cruel. Now he just ignores me. I don't know what to do; I feel so lost. Today I sent him a text saying once I get the rest of my stuff from him I never want to see him again and that I think he is a coward. Am I wrong for being so angry? I feel very out of control.
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Right my lady, what a situation you've got yourself into right now. How long were you with this guy before you moved states for him? I presume all your friends and family are back in Texas? You need to start making enquiries about work back there again and tell those closest to you everything that has happened. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT care about being seen as a failure or what anyone else thinks of you - you need support and people on side right now to prop you up a little. What HAS he said regarding the split? Is he contacting you at all? I will comment further when I know a little more. Stay strong, your life will get sorted.
Author clashcity19 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 well. we had quite a deep emotional connection from afar for almost a year before I made the actual move. He was a friend of my brother's which is how we met. So, I get up here and everything was weird with the whole living situation. I didn't feel comfortable in that house and I lived that way up until about 2 weeks ago when I moved into my own apartment thinking it was going to help our relationship if I was away from all the stress of having to live in a place that made me uncomfortable. It was always filthy, I had no privacy, and no one would help me keep the place clean. So now I am in my new apartment. I had told him that I hadn't lived alone in over 10 years due to having severe PTSD (I was raped by a stranger who broke into my home) and that I was going to need a lot of support in that transition. He promised me that he would be there for me, stay over with me, etc. None of that happened. I am terrified all the time in the apartment and even more so now that I know I am completely alone and have no support. It has made the break up even more devastating. As for what he has to say about it, he thinks he made the right decision. He told me that the relationship was tearing us apart. I told him I didn't feel like I was being torn apart; I just felt it was par for the course. It's normal to argue and fight from time to time. It's life. He is extremely passive- to a point where it is not healthy. I didn't know the extent of that until I got here. I tried to help him open up and be forthcoming when he wasn't happy. It was quite literally like pulling teeth. The only thing he has apologized to me for is emailing me the break up letter while I was at work. He doesn't see anything wrong with breaking up with someone you've been with for over a year via email, but it sorry he did it to me while I was at work. He sees nothing wrong with leaving me high and dry, alone in a city where I have no one and he said, "I did what made sense to me at the moment." he's merciless. I have told my family everything that was going on and was met with a lot of "I told you so's" and "I knew this was going to happen," My mother even told me, "I'm not surprised; you're very difficult to live with." So they already see me as a failure and it does hurt. My plan now is to move to another city in Washington when my lease is up to be roommates with a good friend of mine from texas so I can finish up my degree and try to move on with my life. I feel defeated, beat-down, and fragile. I am merely existing at this point and going through the motions of daily life. I don't know how I am going to make it 6 more months. I cry all day every day. The worst part is, I do love him. And he just doesn't care about me at all anymore. I don't want him in my life because I know that is the only way I will be able to move on, but it's hard to be in a city where everything reminds me of him.
Author clashcity19 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Is this really so much about the relationship anymore??? What do you get when you compare whichever part of Texas you're from, to whichever part of Washington you're in? And have you been wherever you are long enough to compare all of the seasons weather-wise? Maybe to stay in Washington would evolve to become the best choice you ever made? I am staying in Washington. I am moving to Olympia in 6 month to finish my degree. I will be there at least 3 years. Though, I will say this, the lack of sunlight here has been really hard on me.
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) ****AROO!! Every now and then a story surfaces on here which makes me really feel and this is one of them!! What a callous man your ex turned out to be hey? It is amazing how we can get it so wrong, but you must never be too hard on yourself as you won't be the first or the last to believe in someone to be brutally disappointed by the end. It pleases me that you do not want him because I cannot see how he can come back from this unless it's immediately and with a massive apology. He cannot be trusted for emotional support, nor can he be relied upon to put your happiness and wellbeing first. So good, you deserve much much better than this man. I expect you are familiar with the no contact rules? I only believe in them where appropriate and it is definately the right thing to do here - you mustn't give him anything as it will keep putting you back. You sound as if you have a logical plan from here and I think that the minute you are living with your friend, socialising etc things will immediately improve. Until then try and visualise a straight line in your head where at the end is that next step - almost see it like a road and at the sides of you are shops, but in those shops are memories and feelings regarding him. The aim is to keep staring straight down the road. If you can start to train yourself to do this, it will block out some of the overwhelming feelings that you have right now. Some of it will still come out, but this is a technique I have devised to survive a lot. Which brings me onto your post-traumatic stress - have you sought professional counselling for your rape? I suffered a sexual attack very young and then an attempted rape as a teen and I heavily associate with the fear, but I have again learnt coping techniques to try and deal with any overwhelming periods. I am sorry your family are a bit useless, but I would only use this to make yourself the best person you can be in life. Take every bit of crap thrown your way and use it to further yourself - that way you will never ever be beaten. xx Edited March 16, 2011 by depplover_1980
Author clashcity19 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I like the metaphor you suggest for the road and imagining all the shops to be filled with memories of him. I will try not to stop into browse and try to keep my eyes on the horizon ahead of me. That was an extremely helpful way of putting it, you have no idea how much it actually helps! As for counseling... I will be getting health insurance April 1st (money has been my biggest barrier to treatment) and my appointment with my new therapist in on April 1. I am reading this great book called, "I Can't Get Over It," and I have learned that a lot of damage has been done by not getting help right away. It has been almost 12 years and I have not had the help I needed. I am looking forward to starting therapy and am very, very motivated. Something changed since I last wrote, though. I spoke to him and he finally told me that the reason he could not fulfill his obligations or promises to me and stay in the relationship is because of my anger. I agree that I have a tendency to fly off the handle from time to time, but I had no idea it was affecting him so much. It makes sense that it would since he is so afraid of confrontation and expressing emotion. Either way though, he didn't tell me. He just gave up without giving me an opportunity to improve myself. So even though I still love him a great deal, I think we are incompatible. If he can't tell me how he feels, I can't make him or us happy. That's his issue and I hope he gets some help with it. I am feeling more at ease today. This is the first day in the last 3 weeks where I haven't felt hysterical or out-of-control or weeping uncontrollably. I am hoping more days like today are ahead of me. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond; it really helped a lonely person feel less alone.
depplover_1980 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Well because you have not had the relevant professional help for your horrendous ordeal, I expect it comes out in anger at the strangest of times - it makes total sense. What happened to you is truly awful and I want to commend you for still being alive, still fighting and wanting to be a better person. I have had times where I have not even wanted to keep living because of the despair, so the fact you have come this far virtually alone speaks volumes about you. I have full faith you will benefit from therapy and come out like a beautiful butterfly. You are correct for spotting the incompatibilty issue. Let's say you can go off the handle, no it's not great but considering your past as highlighted above - it is understandable. The right man for you will be one that knows how to negotiate with you and to assist you in seeing things clearly. Due to your past and subsequent climb to normality, you will be much more emotionally developed than most people, I am the same and unless you find an equal you will be left unsatisfied in your relationships. Overall this split will probably turn out to be a very significant turning point in your life. Keep smiling, keep the vision, forward we go...
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