me get my girl back!! don't think NC will work. Solid appreciated.

[hunk]

I think she's actually playing games with me. She still hasn't written back. I purposely took about 3 hours to reply to hers, and she's just taking the piss now. She's been off work for like 4 hours. I think that's enough time to write back to a simple message that SHE initiated. wtf is this

[Fufu]

GO NC, don't contact her anymore.

 

You are angry and sad now, so it's not worth making any initiative contacts already, you had done more than enough.

[hunk]

she wrote back

 

"Oo sounds lovely. Haha they're good, i'm working 4 days a week now with a pay rise on college holidays for 2 weeks now aswell. Would be nice to see you soon.."

 

 

 

WHY DID I BREAK NC FFS

[MissBennett]

and by the way i love your advise msbennet. i may write to you someday . well you have a way of putting things and have great compassion for others with the way you communicate.

 

IfIKnew - what a sweet thing to say thank you. feels all warm and fuzzy inside and yes, for sure, I would love to be written to

 

ahhh dear hunk.

dear dear dear...

 

what to do, what to do. feels like a rollercoaster ride huh?

I have to agree with IfIKnew.... again (it's getting a bit predictable all this agreeance )

 

you were polite, and emotionally in control. so you are still on the right path dont you worry about that.

 

she was still the one doing the asking remember. her contact does not concern you. you are polite and cordial, but didnt give any more away than is necessary. (well maybe a simple, 'doing well thanks' rather than specifics would be better - but we're splitting hairs here.)

 

the point that she texted you in the first place means you crossed her mind. so stay strong. dont beat yourself up because you're a reasonable human being. that's not fair.

 

you know what? it doesnt matter what she takes from that. it doesnt matter what power she gets from that (if any). she doesn't have the power over you to make you stress about what she's thinking. take that power back for yourself If, in her mind, she is playing powerplay games with you, let her think that. you know what the situation is. you know that the world hasnt come crashing down just because she said hey (it hasnt. repeat after me 'my world has not come crashing down just because she said hey' )

 

If she is going to come around she's not going to say that straight off the bat. do a bit of a google. think of yourself as the forbidden fruit (yes I did steal that from somewhere but I cant remember where) the gate is still ajar but the fruit still sits just out of reach. she's still gonna need a ladder to get to it. she's still going to have to do the work.

 

EDIT: just read the rest of your text conversation posts. hmm.... dont really know what to say to that. she hasnt asked you a direct question... so no response is really required... perhaps just leave it for a while... or if you feel game enough, ask in what capacity. (I forget if you outrigt said it's all or nothing... mayeb you can even just say 'you know where I stand' and leave it at that. cut through all the bs. let her know you're not playing that game. but if you're not sure about anything that you're going to say - say nothing). remember you were aiming for reconcilliation. if that's changed - sure, just ignore her forever. but if it hasnt, there's a more delicate line you have to tread.

Edited April 9, 2011 by MissBennett

[IfiKnewThen]

remember you were aiming for reconcilliation. if that's changed - sure, just ignore her forever. but if it hasnt, there's a more delicate line you have to tread.

 

totally agree with this.

 

hank quote: she wrote back

 

hank i just had a feeling she would. she just made you wait so she wouldnt seem all anxious. OR she really got busy and wanted to give it time.

 

so she wrote:

 

"Oo sounds lovely. Haha they're good, i'm working 4 days a week now with a pay rise on college holidays for 2 weeks now as well. Would be nice to see you soon.."

 

 

if you write back..here are a few suggestions: go with what miss bennet said by going with according to what it is you are looking for. if you dont want to talk or see her again. dont respond. she still will proobably try to contact you again. so dont worry about that..

 

if hope for some reconciliation...which we dont know....no one really does.

 

then MAYBE say (only a maybe suggestion here) ....aww thats nice of you to say. in reply to "would be nice to see you soon". that is NOT saying yes, and not saying no. its just acknowledging she said it would be nice to see you. that leave her thinking and hanging and your still polite. nothing more. balls back in her court.

 

again your not obligated to say anything at all, but likely if you don't she will wonder why no response to that comment. you can make her wonder. i dont know where that will or will not get you.

 

but like ms bennet said. make the answers more short. thats all. short but not cold. you want to seem cool, but not cold.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi its late here in NY right now. and i saw your post tonight, not this afternoon when you wrote it. so if its not too late, maybe just say..

 

"congrats and aww thats nice of you to say"

 

thats it!

[hunk]

Once again thanks for the thoughtful advice guys. Really appreciate it. I ended up leaving the message, didn't reply to it. I didn't see the point, it's not going to get me anywhere, and would've just made me look available.

 

The whole situation is becoming real for her i think, since our friend circle is mutual i think she expected to just be able to break things off but still have me around all the time as a friend. It seems like now that we've split, all my guy mates and her girls don't even talk anymore. None of us see eachother on the weekends, me and the guys always go out with other groups while they just hang around together. We've gone from seeing eachother every day, hanging out with the same big friend group all happy together living some textbook youthful cruisy carefree life to now everything being completely different. I think this reality's hit her that she can't have her cake and eat it too, and that she's completely lost me as a person. Of course i'm not banking on this being the reason she'd ever consider getting back together, but i think it's a period in her life she'll look back on in fondness because i definitely do. There's always going to be the voice of reason in the back of my head telling me that she's just not interested anymore, and at the moment i just can't bring myself to face that even though i probably should. I'm beginning to believe she did dump me for a reason, and that it's irreversible in her mind. I feel like if she were ever to regain some interest it would have to be after years of no contact. I can't be sure though, just some thoughts and what i'm feeling at the moment. We're very young so i guess it isn't the same "drop them forget about them onto the next" attitude that older dumpers hold. We've got alot of growing to do.

[hunk]

Thought i'd give an update. Feeling pretty low today, definitely not one of my better days. Spoke to a friend i haven't seen in ages, and when i told her about our breakup she basically said "wow, that must be tough. she is ****ing gorgeous" ....... yeah, thanks heaps.

I can't keep my head from just raking over everything, it's literally on my brain every day from the second i wake up to the second i fall asleep. It's consuming me. I'm going over our relationship constantly, just thinking about things i did or didn't do. As i said before, it feels so unnaturally weird not talking to her. Her friends are even saying to me "i hope you don't hate me too" Like ****, come on, when did i ever even insinuate that whatsoever? I'm doing NC to try and get over her, not to show her i hate her. She's not a girl i can just forget about and never have to see again like my other exes. I got over them in weeks, at the most. i will constantly be seeing her and hearing about her. She lives less than 2 minutes from me aswell. I thought i'd come so far, but i just have this disgusting feeling that this isn't right. When my previous relationships ended i understood and saw them for what they were, we were just incompatible and dumb in the long run. But this, holy ****. I've got nothing to compare this to. When you get so comfortable in a relationship and you just feel so compatible that you don't have to make much effort, and then having that completely stripped from you and getting slapped in the face with it is so hard to come to terms with. I'm just drowning in guilt for taking things so heavily for granted. I wish i'd given myself a wakeup call in the relationship and sorted my **** out.

 

The hardest thing is that i'm able to relate to everything but i can't do anything about it. I can rationalize and explain absolutely everything she's feeling, but what good does that do? I understand how she thinks completely because it's how i think aswell. I wish someone could just tell me she misses me and wants to give things another go. When i end things with a girl, i swear to god i'm going to sit her down and just give her a complete explanation of why i'm doing it to spare her this kind of misery. Aside from my father's death, this is the most miserable i've ever been. At least i had complete closure from that, at least i never felt like i CONTRIBUTED to it, this constant eating away at my head is just pulling me down to the point of not being able to enjoy myself. At this point i'd almost prefer her to say "we're done, we're completely over, you didn't give me what i wanted, i never want to regain feelings for you and i want to move on with my life", instead of this weird limbo where we both want to talk to eachother but for the sake of pride we're not. NC is just proving extremely hard in healing me because i just can't shut her out. I'd love to talk to her but i'm terrified and aware that it's almost 100% going to result in nothing, and i know for a fact she's not going to just come out and say she made a mistake. I'm just ****ing drained from all this thinking and emotion, and the prospect of me having to put the entire effort in trying to get her back just crushes me. I'm scared of falling into depression or something, i just can't get my mind off this. Never thought i'd be in this position to be honest..

[MissBennett]

sending big hugs your way!!!

 

This is one of those journeys that unfortunately you're going to have to go through. Sucky and as painful as it is.

 

you know what they say, when you're going through hell.... keep going!!!

 

The hardest part about this is that no-one will be able to make it better for you. I personally think the best thing you can do is what you're doing right now, and writing it all down. getting it alllll out so it cant clog up your head (or at least reduce it)

 

ugh I hate when other people get involved. and for them to say that? that's just stupid. even she knows you dont hate her. she does know this. even though she might say stupid things like 'I dont understand why you hate me now'.

 

having said that though, your consistency worries me a bit. you keep flipflopping and I know you probably cant help it, your emotons are all over the place by the sounds. but I would encourage you to be aware of it. talking to her one minute at a party and being all fine and then ignoring her has got to be incredibly confusing.

 

and through all this, there has not really been a lot of time.... I know it feels like centuries to you, but I honestly think not enough time has passed for either of you two to think with a clear head.

 

Imagine you reconciled now, with all your emotions riled up like this. think about how the discussion would go and what you would do/say that might not accurately represent who you are/what you truly want in the long run. you might be more likely to rush it or be quick to compromise on things you might not therwise. Imagine after everything settles down and the emotional turmoil settles down and you're reconciled but because you were still a bit up in the air, everything is probably not as perfect as it couldve been. there are probably residual issues to deal with. baggage to get rid of etc.

 

In order to recharge and refresh, you probably both need to let go a little bit. this is where the NC (we'll call it LC or NIC shall we?) comes in. you both need to breath a little bit. I know you're hurting and I know it's such a cliche but you honestly will become a stronger person through it all.

 

I was kept (partially willingly, I'll take the blame for my part in it) in Limbo for a whole 12 months. so yeah, I get the eating you up, being drained etc etc. and almost nothing anyone said could help me. I got annoyed with people constantly telling me there was light at the end of the tunnel, because nobody knew exactly what I was going through. they didnt. I dont know exactly what you're going through. no-one really does completely. but you have your own things to learn through this. Maybe it will make it easier to bear, maybe it wont, but you'll know it wont be in vain.

 

hmm... I'm tired and not thinking straight but I think I've said enough for now... keep talking, keep asking questions, keep venting and even ranting

it's good for you!

[IfiKnewThen]

I'm just drowning in guilt for taking things so heavily for granted. I wish i'd given myself a wakeup call in the relationship and sorted my **** out.

 

The hardest thing is that i'm able to relate to everything but i can't do anything about it. I can rationalize and explain absolutely everything she's feeling, but what good does that do? I understand how she thinks completely because it's how i think aswell. I wish someone could just tell me she misses me and wants to give things another go. When i end things with a girl, i swear to god i'm going to sit her down and just give her a complete explanation of why i'm doing it to spare her this kind of misery. Aside from my father's death, this is the most miserable i've ever been. At least i had complete closure from that, at least i never felt like i CONTRIBUTED to it, this constant eating away at my head is just pulling me down to the point of not being able to enjoy myself.

 

i couldnt have said this better myself hunk. i have been through this feeling and still experience this feeling from time to time. just yesterday, i was going through a bit of self loathing for what i felt i did and what i didnt get to do. i too have lost a father and a mother and can tell you i didnt grieve to the degree which i had where love is concerned (the situation youre speaking of) love grief is horrible. sudden shock and rejection from someone you loved and were comfortable with, as you say, is sooo soo devastating.

 

here's the thing though (and DONT beat yourself up) . maybe we were too comfortable with them. and let things go and took things for granted. (we all do) this girl must have been real special and decent. for if she wasnt, you would NOT feel the loss like this. not to this degree. when people are good and "add" to your life and make it better, it IS a loss and we really feel it. that's why it is so important to be good to a person in a relationship. then if they leave you, its truly THEIR loss and even if you get hurt you don't have to feel guilty and remorse for all the things you didn't do, or all the things you unintentionally or intentionally did to hurt them.

 

when i was really young i dating different people and honestly when i ended it they missed what i brought to the table. i never had a broken heart. then as i got older...i experienced it bigtime. brokenheart. (sadly when i didnt have to) anyway, it broke my heart and spirit some, more so because i knew i was the one who messed up at that time. i brought less to the table, in one particular relationship. it hurt that i blew i good thing. i had a broken heart before that one too but i had peace and closure from knowing it was their loss. with the first heartbreak i could look back and think of when they were a chit to me. and that helped me move forward. but with the second heartbreak, i was the one who took them for granted and they were wonderful to me, so the grief took a toll. so it truly pays to be the good one and nice loving person in a realtionship..because (a) then you have given it your best, and we are here to love and (b) we dont have the added guilt and regret if they break up with us, that makes the grief and loss 10x worse.

 

you are young and so is she.

but here is what i want to say. it helps to know this much to help get over the grief......tell yourself....."i didnt know better. if i knew what i know now, i would have done things another way" i am not perfect, but i am working on it. i can see clearly both sides of a situation now. hers and mine. if i had the relationship skills and tools i needed at the TIME, it might have gone differently and better for me and if SHE had them at the TIME and knew how i really felt inside and to not let go, maybe she wouldn't have ended this either. we both lacked that insight and skills. it can also be gigs at our age".

 

this way you dont go sooo hard on yourself. we have to forgive ourselves. i knew better and messed up anyway. sometimes we think, they are so rock solid, that we can be completely ourselves. but that can boarder, rude and offensive sometimes. . i have done this and been there too. and if we are dealing with passive aggressive people on top of that, they keep their feelings in and then just leave you. so no real communication. all of this makes for a bad cocktail of a relationship...ending.

 

1) if you will, it helps healing to rationalize somehow. we get anxious when we feel so "out of control" of the situation. but rationalizing helps.

 

2) she did text you last. a lot of people may disagree with me here but you can still respond to her. yep. and see what she does (in terms of responding again) or doesnt do next. but the ball went back in your court for at least responding to that text. once again you can say ...congratz to her and, "that was nice of you to say". she might think, what was nice of me to say? then she can reread her text and she will see you responded to her saying it would be nice to "see" you again sometime. (or something like that).

 

you are still in the shock and hope stage and that goes on for a long time. well it waxes and wains. there is no order to healing. but basically there is shock, denial, hope, grief, anger, frustration, indifference, growth. again, there is no real order to these feelings. and one feeling helps you get out of another. and should. that is how you are supposed to 'use' the feelings and experience them and get through them. the trick is not to get stuck in ONE particular feeling. dont get stuck. refer to another. for example, if you feel grief, anger usually helps get you out of grief a bit, then indifference can aid anger. but dont stay in one because its not healthy. the healthy one to stay in is growth and acceptance. it's good to go through the cycle they say, so that you dont miss a feeling or have it resuface at an untimely time in life. anyway that's what it says, in these 2 books. one is entitled "when your lover leaves you" by richard whitestone, and also this is discussed in "mars and venus starting ove by dr. john gray.

 

only YOU know how you want to end this. but good endings john gray says make good new beginnings in other relationships. yes, she ended this. but you can still see to how you close and compartmentalize and end this too, to a degree. so you can cut her off completely or gradually cut her off..or be friends? only YOU can figure out what you can live with best. it is hard to suddenly end all communication. like everything in life there is a "TIME" to do things. it even says this in the bible. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace

 

you get the picture. it may not be the time to go complete N/C. that is a personal choice and some, in my opinion, are done untimely. we all cant put ourselves in a a bottle and say...N/C asap!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes things need to still be said. (for us and our peace of having said them) sometimes there is unfinished business between 2 people. like if you have each others belongings or there are children involved. or one person does need to apologize and then be forgiven and FEEL at least forgiven. some need to say..screw you. (when a spouse was really a jerk) its complicated. its NOT black and white. and though there are commonalities in 'break ups", they all have to be paced differently and dealth with differently in my opinion. but like ms bennett says...you dont want to speak too soon or say the wrong thing, etc. but dont wait too long either. there are always better windows of time to say things, or more appropriate times. but you need to say the appropriate thing too. to me, if you feel there are some things you still want to say to her. say it. (seriously i mean this!!). once again, i am NOT talking about begging or saying 'we belong together". or by making them feel bad, about how you feel. but rather...(only if this applies)..say something like, sorry i hurt you and i wish i could have been in tune with it at the time. i never meant it to be like this. i wish i could do it over. (something like that). what would it have taken for me to fix it. i dont know the exact words.

 

but it can start off slow. like with a response text first. if she is really adement about not having an open mind to dialog again or romantic reconciliation, then of course the dialog in that direction will have to cease. but again you cant expect someone who was unhappy with you or got unhappy with you to suddenly be told its all or nothing at all, come back to me. its romance and not friends ever. gosh if they were unhappy, why would you expect them to plunge back into something with you right away anyway???? it doesnt make sense. but that doesn't mean you cant say what you need to say sometimes to settle your mind and heart. but its a balancing act and there cant be ANY hope involved behind it. the only hope can be is to make peace with the depression and pain. you do it for you. but you can still do it as a giver not a taker. a little difficult to explain. anyway i am sorry this was so long.

 

in the end you have to ask yourself. what can YOu do? what can you manage right now and later on? so can you do this much for now? and then do this much later? weigh it. but dont think too much or too long.

 

maybe respond to the text for now. and then deal with what YOU want to do from there next.

 

whatever you decide, hang in there. one day at a time. peace be with you.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps @ ms bennett. even in your tired state you give great compassionate advise.

[hunk]

Wow guys. You've done it again haha. Thank you so much for those posts, they completely lifted my spirits and i understand absolutely everything you've said. I'm really not sure why i was so upset yesterday, it was really out of character and worrying. Maybe it just coupled with Monday-itis or something..

 

IfiKnew, i think it's probably too late to send a reply, seeing as though she sent the last message on thursday.. I dunno, might look like i'm overthinking things if i do or something. The whole concept of being friends just confuses the hell out of me. I want to be her romantic interest, and i initially became that through a sort of friendship. We hung out in our friend circle and we both sort of became keen on eachother within that friend group, her more so keen on me. so i'm not sure maybe she does value friendship as a first step? But on the otherhand, i want to be her boyfriend. I want her to see me as an interest, not just a platonic friend. I know she still has feelings for me, i never did anything to make her become unattracted and i was completely the opposite of a doormat (but i guess complacency can be likened to it in a way..). Basically i just wish i knew how to spark these feelings again.

 

It feels like our relationship was just a summer fling type thing and we both treated it accordingly, but it panned out for a year. It feels like the real thing never got to develop, we never got to have normal fights and disagreements and makeups and ups and downs and all that normal stuff because we were both too immature and worried about what eachother would think. Rather than talk about things we just let them be, and it ended in resentment on both our sides. Compatibility wise we were perfect, and she's always told me she's never questioned us being good for eachother. I was always concerned about coming off too clingy and needy to her, because we both hate that type of behaviour, but now that i look back on it, she's a girl and she needs that affection and reassurance no matter how much she says she doesn't. By distancing myself i came across as someone who i'm not. I didn't understand that she couldn't read my mind, that i actually have to SHOW her i care, not just act cool all the time and hope she sees through it and that i really do care. I spent so much time trying to ensure i didn't come across as someone who i'm not, that i ended up neglecting to actually be myself alot of the time. I remember once we had an argument and she said "i don't know why i feel like this, it's been a year and i shouldn't be questioning our relationship after this long" i could tell her heart was breaking when she said this, and what did i do? Played it cool instead of listening to her. That's one of the biggest lessons i've learnt from this. I don't completely pin the blame on myself, because she never voiced being upset with how i was behaving, and if she did then i would've snapped out of it instantly. In hindsight, i completely understand what she means when she told me during the breakup she wish she felt differently. She wishes she felt differently because we used to be so good together and she knows how good we can be, but i just let it get to this point of complete stupid immature indifference on either side where we just didn't talk about things and she lost feelings towards me because i came across as someone i'm not. It doesn't matter if she understands this or not, because she's not in love with me anymore.

 

I don't know whether light contact initiated by me would help, or just continue with NIC. I know it takes time. But the fact she sent me that message at least shows me she's been thinking about me. I know if i'd done anything to put her off me or that she was really happy with everything she wouldn't send a message worded like "feels weird not talking to u.. how u been..? x" kind of sheepish and withdrawn, her messages aren't like that normally, and i feel if she was completely indifferent to me and pleased with the situation it'd be like "Hey Hunk, how is everything? Hope you're doing well xx" I know this sounds fickle or whatever but it's just little things i've noticed. I don't really have much else to look at here seeing as though it's the only interaction we've had in a long time. She doesn't play games or mess around and is easily the most down to earth person, nevermind woman, i've ever met in my life. That's why i tend to analyze things she does and says quite a bit. That being said, i know she's human and it's human to make mistakes and misjudgments no matter how down to earth you are. I also know she's a woman and i have no hope of completely understanding what she's thinking.

 

What do you guys suggest as my course of action here? It's really not black and white whatsoever. It feels like my only option to regain that "spark" and longing for me which i know she's capable of is to stay NC, but at the same time it feels like staying indifferent when indifference is what ****ed us up isn't going to get me anywhere. If she sends me another message anytime soon (BIG if) i'm going to show her i'm completely open to talk and try clear up any stupid "do you hate me" bull****.

[IfiKnewThen]

quote hank: I was always concerned about coming off too clingy and needy to her, because we both hate that type of behaviour, but now that i look back on it, she's a girl and she needs that affection and reassurance no matter how much she says she doesn't. By distancing myself i came across as someone who i'm not. I didn't understand that she couldn't read my mind, that i actually have to SHOW her i care, not just act cool all the time and hope she sees through it and that i really do care.

 

this i think was the problem right here.* you sound like you have developed such insight to what went awry,

 

also, quote: I don't completely pin the blame on myself, because she never voiced being upset with how i was behaving, and if she did then i would've snapped out of it instantly. In hindsight, i completely understand what she means when she told me during the breakup she wish she felt differently. She wishes she felt differently because we used to be so good together and she knows how good we can be, but i just let it get to this point of complete stupid immature indifference on either side where we just didn't talk about things and she lost feelings towards me because i came across as someone i'm not.

 

this is so true too.* she should have SAID something and not kept it inside and resented.

 

this is brilliant insight on your part in my opinion.* all of it.* everything you said.

 

quote: But the fact she sent me that message at least shows me she's been thinking about me. I know if i'd done anything to put her off me or that she was really happy with everything she wouldn't send a message worded like "feels weird not talking to u.. how u been..? x" kind of sheepish and withdrawn,..

 

 

personally. i would write back. and just say i meant to congratulate you on (whatever that was that she did).* you can say :"sorry getting back to you so late, but i really wanted to congratulate you on (again whatever that was)"* then don't say anything about her suggestion to get together soon.* omit that for just for now.* but acknowledge that first part of the text. its friendly, you touch base with her again and acknowledge the text, but dont acknowledge the get together part. (she said it would be nice to get together soon).* she wont necessarily think you ignored that part on purpose.* it will sound more like you have been kinda busy and distracted but that you wanted to get back to her and acknowledge her. but don't say any of that (the busy and distracted part).* you don't owe her an explanation as to what you are up to.* but an acknowledgment of the text would be nice and then just leave it at that.* what do you think?

 

i dont think completely ignoring her at THIS point is going to get anyone anywhere.* it may help you in the "N/C healing type of world, perhaps".* but is this really the time?* that's the question i think you have to ask yourself.* do you want to be N/C at this time in your life? and at this juncture..with regards to her last text? only you know the answer to that question.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i dont know what all those little astrixs are in my post. just ignore them

[hunk]

Thanks mate. Insightful as always. Your advice is invaluable to me and is always a breath of fresh air.

Have had a great few days, concentrating on myself completely. I've got my third bodybuilding amateurs coming up soon so i've been spending most of my time in the gym, feels great just working on myself and knowing in terms of women the world is at my fingertips so to speak hahah. Been going out with friends aswell, trying to keep my drinking under control .

 

I was out last night at the pub getting dinner with some friends and she turned up with her best friend. I saw them look at us and then pretend we weren't there and completely walk the other way. I don't understand this behaviour? we're all good friends. They avoided us all night. I've given my ex no reason to be intimidated by me, i've been nothing but polite and friendly to her and she's the one who wants to be friends. It's been nearly 2 months. Later on in the night though i thought i felt a tug on the back of my shirt and i looked around but didn't see anyone. Turns out it was ex, my friend said she tried getting my attention and it looked like i basically blew her off and she walked off. I didn't even see her HA! Gonna have to make more of an attempt than that.

 

It's interesting to see how women cope with things as apposed to us men. Not exaggerating, i don't think my ex has spent more than one night alone since we broke up. She's been with her girls literally EVERY night. She's NEVER alone. She's at the gym with her mom in the morning, at work all day, then it's straight to one of her friends house. Constantly checking in at places on Facebook. It's like she's replacing the time she spent with me with her friends. I guess this is her way of easing herself into being alone. Maybe she just wanted this while we were together aswell. For us guys, it doesn't work like that. We don't have our friends to lean on like that. We just have to suck it up and shoulder on through the loneliness and rely on ourselves.

I can see how this is going to end up though. She has to face it some time, she can't keep running from it. When she finally does, she'll be confiding in me and i'll be long gone. I know i've said this a few times but i'm honestly seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm starting to love myself and realize my worth. She has her looks and her kind heart, i have my looks and my kind heart plus so SO much more. I love her and always will, it will be interesting to see the type of guy she ends up with next. She's going to be taken advantage of due to her nature and looks. There's no doubt in my mind. Someone is going to **** with her. She's really been lucky with me. I really don't mean to come across spiteful or bitter i'm just starting to take her off the pedestal, as a change to beating myself up. When i was with her i was constantly questioning the relationship. My gut was telling me "you can do better", which undeniably probably had an effect on my behaviour. I now understand why. I also now understand fundamentally WHY i want her back. She's a sweet girl. She has the kindest heart i've ever met. She's also absolutely gorgeous. I think it's my ego that's yearning for her so badly, because she is a complete stunner. I miss her as a person, but i also know there will be women with her personality but 100 times better. More exciting, more challenging, more passionate. With hobbies and goals, with interests and passions. She never brought out my inner passion. I want a woman to teach ME things as apposed to me taking lead all the time.

 

She needs to develop her own backbone, she needs to be able to voice herself better, to make her needs known. In hindsight, her inability to do this made things difficult at times. I remember sending her little messages telling her how much she meant to me before she'd go to bed every couple of weeks, and she could never reciprocate them. This doesn't mean she didn't feel the same way or appreciate me, it just meant she literally couldn't think of anything to say. No one's said things like that to her before. She couldn't put into words her feelings, which made it extremely frustrating for me as i'm articulate and expressive. I want to feel appreciated and loved aswell. It isn't enough to just "assume" that she loves me. I want her to tell me. Hell, the first time she told me she was in love with me was when she was blind drunk. How's that for zero confidence. I'm sick of being the one telling her what she means to me. I'd love a girl to send me a message before bed telling me why they love me or something. It's just little things like that i think that built up over time. I think the reason i became so upset over the lack of sex and why it affected me so badly and distanced me is truly because it was the only thing that made me feel like she wanted me, and when we weren't having sex i just felt like ****, because she never communicated to me her feelings. I can definitely attribute some insecurity to this, but i guess that's natural as this is my first real relationship. I should've communicated this with her aswell. Basically I never knew what she was feeling. We clashed because i was so loud and dominant and it was hard for me to try and read her all the time. Actions speak louder than words, but to be honest her actions didn't really show me that she was in love with me, even though i believe she was. I'd like for her realize she took me for granted too, not just the otherway round.

 

I should've asked her what she was feeling more often. I should've gone with my gut when i sensed something was wrong. I never should've let it drag out this long. I had the power to stop this from developing into what it has, and i just let it slide.

Our relationship was never "exhausted", it never "ran it's course", we were just both too immature to just TALK to eachother. It ended ridiculously, and was completely preventable if we'd just spoken to eachother. I believe if we were to meet eachother in the future, when we weren't eachothers first loves, when we were matured and experienced in relationships then we would be absolutely perfect. But this is life, this is how things happen. It's just a shame we had to learn these crucial lessons from a relationship that had so much potential. I hope to god she's taken things away from this, because i've learnt more from this than anything else in my life.

[MissBennett]

"She needs to develop her own backbone, she needs to be able to voice herself better, to make her needs known. In hindsight, her inability to do this made things difficult at times"

 

BOY do I know what THIS feels like.

yep yep and YEP!

you can be as understanding and as communicative and as open as you like but at the end of the day, you are not there to hold her hand through the relationship. you cannot be both people in the relationship. it's like having the conversation with a puppet and having to do both parts youself. she needs to stand on her own two feet. if a person is insistent on learning that the hard way, then nothing else can change that.

 

"I can see how this is going to end up though. "

 

this has to be THE most frustrating thing in the whole world! you can see it, but cannot do a thing to stop it/change it. and you've tried.

(I've tried) in the end you get sick of banging your head up against the brick wall and you let em at it.

you shrug your shoulders and say 'ooohhkaaayyy. if that's what you really want.' and then of course 'dont come crying to me when it all collapses in on you.'

 

which is what you're doing and all you can do.

it's only been two months... you're going to learn a lot more before this becomes no more than water under the bridge.

FULL STEAM AHEAD!!!

 

good luck with the comp (I'm assuming it's a comp - you'll have to excuse the ignorance )

[IfiKnewThen]

quote missbennett: you can be as understanding and as communicative and as open as you like but at the end of the day, you are not there to hold her hand through the relationship. you cannot be both people in the relationship. it's like having the conversation with a puppet and having to do both parts youself.

 

 

this is SOOoo well put. i feel like quite the puppeteer myself. very frustrating

[hunk]

Thanks guys. Yeah, MissBennett it's a comp. Pretty nervous about it but i think i'm ready

 

Saw her tonight at a party i was djing. she turned up with her friend for a bit, i didn't even really see her. At the end of the night we were all outside and they wanted to go into town, so a few of my friends went with them while i just stayed at the party with some girls. I kept seeing her watching me, i was talking to a group of girls and i kept catching her looking. We were all sitting around outside and i was opposite her, and i was checking out a bunch of girls walking behind us, she caught me looking and sneakily looked over her shoulder to see what i was looking at. Made me laugh to myself. I guess she wouldn't still be doing these things if she was completely indifferent to me, not that it matters. I'm proud of myself for not going into town, i guess i would've liked to but in hindsight it wouldnt've done me any good and i would've just had to be around her while she was drunk and dancing with guys, and i would've looked like a complete b i t c h. MissBennett you're right, from now on it's full steam ahead. I've got no use in looking back. I've just got to take every day as it comes now and continue just living my life for myself and no one else.

[MissBennett]

choo choooooo!!!

 

all good stuff. Let us know how you do in your comp! good luck!

[hunk]

wow, this keeps getting better and better. went out for drinks tonight at a bar, everyone was there including ex.me and a few mates turned up a bit later because we were at another bar beforehand. she was hooking up with one of my best mates. didn't know what to do, i was the angriest i've ever been, took everything i had in me not to beat the **** out of him and just finish my drink and leave. out of everyone, this guy was the last person i'd ever even consider doing this. out of every ****ing guy in the bar, she hooks up with him. i cant describe how disrespected i feel, i've got ****ing no one except myself now

[IfiKnewThen]

that's a horrible feeling. where they hanging out and talking or did it look like more? kissing..affection?

 

she could have been playing it up to get your attention...nothing more. whats weird is him, just going along with everything.

[MissBennett]

wow.

I am real angry for you.

that is sooooo disrespectful. it's awful when it's someone you only know of. I cannot imagine the raging fury that would have been surging through you seeing it was one of your best friends.

That's awful and I know this is not helpful at all (me saying this) but all I can do at this point is empathise.

 

all the advice I can give at this point is to use your anger. use it to fuel your strength. dont react. a reaction is what she expects and maybe wants. now you have more than enough reason to stay away and move on with your life. hopefully it's smashed the 'what ifs' to smithereens.

 

when I have something more helpful to say, I'll post again.

chin up tiger

[reallyconfused2542]

i agree with the post above. good job not caving his head in cause he really deserved it. one of the worst kinds of disrespect possible. HE should have had enough respect for his "friend" to not do it in front of you.

[hunk]

I said hi to her about 5 minutes before it happened, i saw her looking upset on her own by the bathroom and i was walking past and just gave her a wink and said hey and kept walking, and then 5 minutes later i'm at the bar and my friend comes up to me and says "*** and *** are hooking up, man" and i could see them outside the bathrooms clearly going at it. can't put into words how angry i was honestly. i know he would've forced himself on her, so she wasn't doing it for attention, but then again it takes 2 to tango. he sent me some sheepish text the next day and i straight up told him to **** off. once again i have to man up and fix the situation because he's one of my best friends and i can't just keep a grudge, and i know he does feel bad. No word from her, not expecting anything, she's pathetic and doesn't have the decency or balls to at least apologize for completely unnecessarily messing up me and my mates relationship after i've done absolutely nothing to her. **** it i'm over it

[reallyconfused2542]

gotta go back to the old "bros before hos" but hed be on thin ice for a while in my book and id def watch my back around him