me get my girl back!! don't think NC will work. Solid appreciated.

[hunk]

update:

was driving home from Uni today and was stopped at the traffic lights near her work. saw her waiting at the lights. we made eye contact and she looked away, looked upset and then crossed the street..

 

I'm starting to question NC, not that i'm prepared to break it, but i'm just wondering whether she's getting the wrong idea. If a girl wants you, they will make it known no matter what, no matter what type of girl, right? I just don't want her to think "oh well he doesn't even want to be friends, **** it" cos that's sort of what she's like. Right now i know she's waiting for ME to instigate contact, even though she's the one who dumped me. I'm not going to. I'll just leave it for a few weeks. Best thing i can do, eh?

[hunk]

Also, before anyone else inevitably posts this, i'm completely at peace with myself. I'm over the break up, i'm in the right mind set not to do anything stupid. I've emotionally checked out and am using my head. I am and always have been working on myself and bettering myself, and i definitely do not NEED her whatsoever. I'm thinking purely logically and strategically now. I want her back, but i've come to terms with the idea it's not likely. All my sadness and regret's gone. If she called me up now and said "there's no chance ever" i can honestly say i'd be unphased, sort of relieved with closure in a way. This is just something i'd like to work because we had something genuinely special.

[SingVoice]

Can I throw this out there?

 

Is it possible that you only want her because she started NOT wanting you?

 

I honestly don't mean to sound like a jerk when I say that...but I have seen that before with men who as you say "get a lot of attention from women." Do you think somewhere deep down that you want her back because she didn't want you? And that's just not something you are used to?

 

I once dated a guy who COULD NOT get over his ex...the reason being...SHE dumped HIM...and he was always the dumper.

 

My only other idea is that....well...if you didn't really open up emotionally to her...yet you guys were having LOTS of sex...she might have gotten the impression that that's all she was good for to you...ya know? And if that's not what she wanted...she would have definitely pulled away...especially sexually...maybe to see if there was MORE to it than that. And your reaction basically confirmed that thats all she was to you.

 

Just some ideas....could be totally off base here.

[Ollie76]

Yeah man, you should wait a couple more weeks to break NC.

 

The letter you wrote to your ex is VERY similar to what I told my ex, except I met up with her for coffee and told her face to face. We hugged and kissed goodbye and I walked off leaving a positive impression of the last time she has seen me. I immediately started NC and did not tell her. A couple days later she began to miss me. She was sending me texts and all that **** but I ignored.

 

It sounds like your ex has pride and/or is to shy to contact you. So, that means YOU will need to break NC at some point if you want her back. Screw it, you said you were pretty much over her so you really have nothing to lose. Just be aware that if she rejects you again, you may feel like **** all over again.

 

One last thing, this break up did some damage to your ego BIG TIME and I think that's what's really bothering you. Believe me, I'm on the same boat as you are and after thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that ego damage is what really bugging me. LOL.

[hunk]

Wow i never really thought about it like that, you guys are both right. My ego's taken a complete beating throughout this entire thing. Throughout the relationship she was always the one saying stuff like "i can't believe you're not bored of me yet" or "i don't understand why you're with me", and her being very timid and everything made me think she was willing to do anything to stay in the relationship. Now that SHE dumped ME i feel like a chump to say the least. And Sing, you're right about the sex thing, i believe she might've been testing me after we had our first talk to see if i was still moody when we weren't having sex, and i guess she started assuming that's all i wanted. That being said, she's an amazing girl and i still do want her. Ollie, i'm almost certain she's not going to contact me, i think she's already to shy. The only way i can see it happening is if she's blind drunk, which is the only time when she gets some confidence. I should put out there though she's one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen, i'm not exaggerating here she's literally drop dead and gets ridiculous amounts of attention. She's only had sex with 2 people and isn't the type to have one night stands etc.

How long should i wait and how do you reckon i approach making contact? Am going to have to see her tonight also. any advice?

[Ollie76]

Throughout the relationship she was always the one saying stuff like "i can't believe you're not bored of me yet" or "i don't understand why you're with me", and her being very timid and everything made me think she was willing to do anything to stay in the relationship.

 

Wow, exactly the way my ex was! Then she dumped me.

 

 

For tonight, (I'm sure you know this already) just play it cool. Do not bring up the relationship! Do not look miserable, have fun. If you happen to talk to her just make sure you keep it positive and make it short but sweet. Also, it is very important that you leave her with a good impression of yourself tonight.

[hunk]

Pretty upset tonight. Home alone. Saw her tonight, basically ignored her but had an awesome night nonetheless. Didn't pay any attention to her whatsoever and was with another group of girls most of the night. Feeling down now though. She hasn't made any attempt to talk to me. Thought i was at least worth a text message at some point. Oh well, on with NC.. it's life eh..

[betterdeal]

Yep. Sometimes some people don't like you. You get used to it as you get older.

[hunk]

Hey guys, looking for some advice here. 2 weeks of NC, awkwardly seeing eachother out about 3 times, i decided this wasn't/isn't gonna get me anywhere in my particular position. I saw her online tonight and just started up a conversation on facebook chat. Just light hearted, casual, asking what we've been doing etc. Nothing personal, nothing heavy, just joking around etc. I feel better doing this, i don't feel like an immature kid playing stubborn games. I didn't give her anything, i just acted like an adult who respects someone he's been in love with before, and who otherwise would be one of my good friends. She seemed pretty reserved, didn't ask me much, was quite short, i did most of the talking just joking around telling her about funny things that happened with one of her friends at a party i was at. I've been extremely busy lately, been to heaps of new parties, my current picture is me lying in one of my girl friends' bed without a shirt on. she asked about the picture and i just joked around, but didn't tell her what it was. she replied with "haha ok" and stopped talking. We ended on good terms, we both respect eachother, we had an awesome time together and i'm well past the stage of pining over her and letting emotion rule and making stupid decisions, so i don't see the harm in establishing some positive friendly communication. I'm not going to talk to her for a while, it feels better just having a little interaction at this stage to make it less awkward and to show her that i'm fine with everything. I feel stupid playing games when this girl isn't the type to tolerate it and would probably see through it.

 

Do you think though that her lack of interest/enthusiasm in talking to me (DESPITE her being the one to say "i really hope we can still be close/you're one of my best friends" has anything to do with missing me? She's normally upbeat and funny and witty but tonight she was quite short. It's been little over 2 weeks, about 8 days since "officially" breaking up, (we were on a complete NC break the week before and that was the break up in my eyes). Surely if she wanted to be friends and stay close she'd be happy that i'm taking everything well, moving on and looking to talk to her again? She's the one who adamantly wants to be friends. Remember i made no reference to our relationship whatsoever during our convo..

[CaliGuy]

sorry about the title, makes it look like i'm very much illiterate.. Meant to say "HELP me get my girl back.. Solid ADVICE appreciated"

 

"Trying" to get someone back when they aren't clear about coming back is like going into a war without ammunition.

 

Unless SHE clearly wants to reconcile you're wasting your time. Read the links below and you'll have a better idea of how to handle this. You're putting far too much stock in fixing something that most likely can't be fixed by anything YOU do.

 

Cheers.

[hunk]

I understand where you're coming from CaliGuy. Although it probably looks like i'm putting in all this effort, i actually really haven't done much. Everytime i think about it i just post here. I spoke to her last night over facebook and that's literally all contact we've had. I didn't want to leave an impression that i just intended to ignore her, because i understand the reason for her ending things was almost entirely my fault. I just wanna show her that i'm moving on but i've got no resentment for her and don't want to ignore her over a break up that i basically caused, she was nothing but good to me within the relationship and i don't believe that warrants just ignoring her. That being said, i feel like the ball is completely in her court now and she knows i'm not playing any games, no more contact until she initiates some sort of emotion towards me, because neither of us have expressed any emotion whatsoever since the break up.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow hunk. i really have to put this out there.

 

it sounds like you always played it cool and if you are saying you feel like you basically ran this relationship into a ditch. then staying either stand-offish , cool, or even impersonally friendly, is not going to win her back.

 

if you feel you are mostly in the wrong and have neglected the relationship, then it is truly commendable to own that.

 

i think it's even ok to tell her that. if you love her. say i know i blew this. i wish i could fix this. and let it go at that. that is not begging. its owning it. if you just flirt or talk to other woman at a party and just play coy and like you dont care..i think she will find a man who does care.

 

its one thing to act like that after a break up, when the girl was giving YOU the hard time all along. but when you give them the hard time or help neglect a relationship, then that same behavior wont win her heart back.

 

it's showing her things like you want to be a better man because she brings that out in you and you appreciate her, that i think can melt her heart. but you have to do it gradually and earnestly and honestly. be you and take a risk in life. i dont think after she in her minds eye felt challenged or mistreated or neglected or ignored or unimportant, that that same attitude will win her back.

 

i am NOT saying you did all these things. i dont know that back story, but in reading the posts i got the sense, from your own words you feel you fell short. we all fall short. and we all feel like that when we lose someone. but in this case i feel, since you have a lot of pride and since she was the shy one, things might have been taken a wee bit for granted there.

 

if that was the case. just try a new way and have a REAL dialog with her and tell her you wish you did it differently. i think she will at least see you in a better light that way.

 

good luck whatever you do or dont do.

[hunk]

Awesome, awesome advice IfiKnew. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I was wrestling with this idea of talking to her about it, but i ended up concluding that no matter what i SAY to her, she's already lost her feelings to the point where it's pretty irrecoverable. I told her in the message i sent her i knew it was my fault, but perhaps not to the extent i should've. I told her when we got together before we went on a break that i knew things were getting dull and that i wished we could do things differently and she said she didn't want to give up on us, so she knew my intentions, but when someone checks out emotionally there's nothing more you can do.

 

Another thing i found out today, her best friend just dumped her boyfriend of 3 years. Both of their mothers are single and have had bad relationships throughout their lives and are best friends aswell, and i feel that they were definitely a factor in my girlfriend ending things. They were always offloading their bull**** views on men and relationships and "being young" to their daughters and i guess in this case they listened. I think my ex has a very warped idea of what a healthy relationship is, because she's got no role models whatsoever in her life. Oh well. I feel like there literally is nothing more i can do at this point.

Any thoughts?

[hunk]

@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ 明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ 明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }.MsoChpDefault { font-family: Cambria; }div.WordSection1 { page: WordSection1; } This is what i'm tossing up sending. Should i tell her this in person? or just forget the whole thing and leave it? Since i already sent her a message i feel like maybe it'd be better to tell her this in person.. to get the whole physical presence effect. what do you think

 

 

***,

I miss you and i'm over swallowing my pride. I want to tell you that I know what was happening and I understand why you feel the way you do, and i understand why you felt that way the whole time. I feel like i need to clear everything up so you can see where i'm coming from, not just keeping everything in the dark and making it look like I don't care.

 

I basically closed off cos I was thinking about myself. I know that’s what led to this, and I would’ve felt the same way if I was you. I know you were starting to feel different, probably like I was turning into a friend, and like the chemistry was gone, and I was too concerned about myself to do anything. I felt the same way, but I was too stubborn to do anything about it. I wish I could’ve realized it wasn't just gonna fix itself when it was happening. I ****ed up and I never properly owned that but I am now. Straight up, when we weren’t having sex (you were saying it hurt etc) it made me shut down basically, and I think we were both too immature to talk about it and just let things get worse and worse. That’s not who I am, I don’t want you left with the impression that’s how I am and that’s how I deal with things. I would have done literally anything to make you happy, but I was putting myself above our relationship in the end, and that’s what was stopping me being completely happy and caring about you and us like I wanted and needed to. I realize when you start to see someone differently it’s hard to change that. I guess it’s taken this to show me what matters, which is kind of ****, and to think I’ve ****ed up such a relationship with so much potential is horrible. Right now though you’re what matters, and you were always what mattered, regardless of me being too stubborn to see it, because you bring out the best in me and I feel like we can bring the best out in eachother. I was being an immature **** and taking everything for granted. Don’t say it was your fault as well, cos I know the only reason you felt the way you were was because I wasn’t giving it everything. I need to swallow my pride and say it, because there’s no point acting like we broke up cos “It was boring”.

 

Heard about **** and ****, by the way, best thing i've heard all week ha..

[MissBennett]

Hey there Hunk,

 

So I've been lurking on these forums for a few weeks now, "eavesdropping" on various threads, but you and your thread, sir, made me decide that I just had to say something.

 

I'm going to share some things with you. Things I wish someone would sit down and tell my ex. Of course what you do with this advice is entirely up to you, just keep in mind that I am a young girl (just a little older than you) and I have been doing a lot (a LOT) of thinking lately.

 

First, I have noticed that a lot of people on here, especially the guys, are very quick to put emphasis on females being flighty, manipulative and generally unreliable hurtful creatures that can change their emotions like they change their underwear

and I have to tell you, in my experience, guys can be exactly the same way (let's face it, most of us are drawn here in the first place because we are heartbroken. our views of the opposite sex are not likely to be flattering )

 

so - I would encourage you to sit down and think about (and I mean really carefully consider) your ex and who she is as a person. Regardless of the generalisations that you will hear.

You say you were together for two years yes? so that's a substantial amount of time. I'd say you know her pretty well (despite your communication issues sometimes). Also think back to your conversations that you had regarding the breakup. Note the things that don’t make sense to you re: her behaviour/words. Anything that seems out of character. If something doesn’t make sense, there’s generally something hidden between the lines, you wont be able to tell what that is yet, but remember it and put it away for a later date.

 

She loved you yes? If a girl (well anyone really) really and truly Loves you, those feelings do not disappear overnight. they dont disappear in a week, they dont disappear in a month so DONT panic. take a step back, and breathe.

I realise if she truly has started to lose feelings for you, this may have been happening for a longer time, but unless she has completely in her mind and her heart shut the door, you still have an in - if you want it.

 

you've been broken up for what, 2, 3 weeks? dont sweat it, she's still probably reeling herself from the breakup and trying to get her emotions to settle the hell down. She needs time to sort out her emotions and her head too. she's probably still in high emotional turmoil and while there will be a part of her that will hurt because you're staying away, she herself will know that this is necessary (it sounds like she does) after stuff calms down, anger fades a little and the fog starts to clear a little bit, she starts thinking about what's next and what she truly wants for herself. She wont hate you (even if she wants to just a little). this time is so valuable to let her figure out what she wants with no emotional pressure from you for or against. This pressure will not be intentional on your part, but just your presence will increase it.

what you want is for her head and her heart to agree in favour of you. if she's still too emotional, her heart will leap but her head will put on the brakes and you'll end up at square 1 in a bigger mess here than you started with.

 

Not talking to her for a few weeks is not going to completely sever your bond, it is not going to make her forget you. And you will be spending it preparing so that when you do launch operation “getmygirlback” you will be in the best position to succeed.

 

Okay, next – forget who dumped who. I dumped my ex too, but not because I didn’t love him (not at all!) because I felt that he wasn’t treating me as well as he should’ve been. I felt that He was neglecting the relationship and taking me for granted, and even after trying to tell him time and time again, he refused to listen. What I wouldn’t give for my ex to take responsibility for the huge part he played in the breakdown of our relationship. Anyway – this is not about me – it’s about you.

What I’m trying to say is that, in this, I completely agree with IfIKnew. It is right on the money. If you feel like you were largely responsible, then you most certainly need to own that, whether you wanted her back or not.

 

Forget about your ego. Forget about pride. suck it up. This is your life – yours and noone elses. It does not matter one iota what people think. Furthermore, it is you that has to live out the consequences of your actions. Do you love this girl? Do you want a future with this girl? Do you want a life with her? If the answer is yes, you cannot let fear get in the way of you making that known. You’re ego is going to get a few knocks along the way. that’s life. Being prepared for that and biting the bullet anyway– that’s courage. And having courage to do the hard thing that will be short term pain for long term gain? – that’s being a man.

 

You can make your feelings known and let someone know that you want them back in your life without the begging and pleading and whinging and moaning and without coming off as desperate. Writing your letter was a good idea. Take some more time to think about it, write out a few more. It helps to process your feelings and sort it all out so it becomes clear and rational.

BUT do not send these words to her in letter form. If you’re going to do this, you need to do it to the best (and I mean absolute best of your ability) I guess in a nutshell, I’m trying to say – ‘man up’ and do it face to face. When you finally do bring it up that you would like to talk, do not let her convince you to do it via text or over the phone. You absolutely must do it in person. If she resists or says she’s not ready, understand and don’t take it personally. Then leave it for a while. Let her process, let her digest. She will come to you, or you can leave it for a few weeks and try again.

 

‘Manning up’ will impress her. If she’s a genuine girl, with integrity, she’ll see right through anything less. And if you're not manning up/being sincere/only putting iin a half hearted (or timid) attempt - even though she might want to believe you then and there, it will not be lasting.

 

Lastly, you need to thoughtfully consider your own heart and be absolutely and completely sure that having her back is what you want.

I mean COMPLETELY. 100%.

No, 90% sure. That’s not good enough

No 99% sure, that’s not good enough either.

100 PERCENT. Otherwise you are going to put her in a whole load of pain (yourself too probably)

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

what I am trying to get you to do is get you to prepare, I guess. You’ve said you want her back, if you’re going to start this, you need to be able to commit to it. In the words of yoda (ha ha)

“Do, or Do not. There is no try.”

 

This girl is special right?

She’s worth a lot right?

 

Keep focussed on the bigger picture. you are going to have to persist. Especially if she doesn’t feel like you made enough effort in the relationship in the first place. (I don’t mean in a scary stalkerish way- that’s creepy and a turnoff.)

I also don’t mean in a desperate clingy kind of way.

 

I mean in a reliable “I am not bs’ing you” I mean it, and I’m not going anywhere kind of way.

 

I think that that I the only thing that is going to let her realise that you’re serious. That she can depend on you and that you have realised your mistake and want her in your future.

 

*this has been really long and I’m sure there are things that I forgot but I think I’ll just leave it there for now

Edited March 23, 2011 by MissBennett

[IfiKnewThen]

 

Forget about your ego. Forget about pride. suck it up. This is your life – yours and noone elses. It does not matter one iota what people think. Furthermore, it is you that has to live out the consequences of your actions. Do you love this girl? Do you want a future with this girl? Do you want a life with her? If the answer is yes, you cannot let fear get in the way of you making that known. You’re ego is going to get a few knocks along the way. that’s life. Being prepared for that and biting the bullet anyway– that’s courage. And having courage to do the hard thing that will be short term pain for long term gain? – that’s being a man.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, you need to thoughtfully consider your own heart and be absolutely and completely sure that having her back is what you want.

I mean COMPLETELY. 100%.

No, 90% sure. That’s not good enough

No 99% sure, that’s not good enough either.

100 PERCENT. Otherwise you are going to put her in a whole load of pain (yourself too probably)

what I am trying to get you to do is get you to prepare, I guess. You’ve said you want her back, if you’re going to start this, you need to be able to commit to it. In the words of yoda (ha ha)

“Do, or Do not. There is no try.”

 

This girl is special right?

She’s worth a lot right?

 

 

I seriously agree with the above poster. and i do think a letter is a good idea...and i also think: read it to her in person. yes read it, so you don't miss a thing or get off track and digress. she might even find it endearing.

 

i would eliminate the cuss words too. but otherwise, the content is good. and please don't relegate the relationship to saying it got dull or boring. you are correct. that was NOT the problem. so, its good you address that. she might have also thought, you thought, SHE was boring. so, i would let her know that wasn't the case.

 

also, i want to talk about the pain problem. pain during sex is problem for a lot of woman. they could be small, not adequately lubricated. a man could actually be too large for them. it can cause great discomfort. so don't take it personally. call me from the old school but its should be OK for a woman to wait and not feel pressured for sex either.

 

a woman needs a man who is understanding and cooperative and sensitive. she needs to feel safe with him as much as he needs to feel trusted.

 

the only way i can see this relationship working again or having a chance....a new start at least....a way in......

 

would be to own how you feel you contributed to the demise of the relationship. and to speak her language but an honest letter of apology and remorse. i think you will be able to honestly hold your head up high, no matter the outcome, but that you have a better chance with the outcome this way.

 

i would move quickly on it too before she might develop a relationship with someone else.

 

 

but like the previous poster missbennett said... make sure you really want to be with her before you hurt her again.

 

this will have to be a time where you temporarily put yourself aside to reconnect with her. again dont side track or argue. just meet and read the letter. i wish you well.

[hunk]

wow. MissBennett and IfiKnew, i can't express how thankful i am. This has been easily the best the advice i've received during this entire process, from anyone, even my family and friends. I appreciate it so much you don't know. Thoughtful, considerate and logical. Thank you, really.

 

I'm meeting her for coffee today after work. I feel i'm completely emotionally ready for either out come, i'm going to speak from my heart but i've definitely thought this through. She seemed more than keen, and even postponed a committment she had with one of her friends to see me. I'm just going to man up and get it out, tell her everything i've needed to and not hold back. I know that whatever the outcome i'll still have retained my dignity and know that i've done everything i can to salvage the relationship while being true to myself and true to her. I'm going to tell her it was entirely my fault (which in hindsight it definitely was) and that i never intended for things to go the way they did. I'm confident she still has some feelings for me, so i just need to show her that i'm not complacent, i don't see her as a friend, i want to be her boyfriend and nothing less and i want to be the best i can be for her. I took everything for granted, it was my first real committed relationship and i just expected it wouldn't take much effort. I spoke to her on facebook tonight and she started asking about what i wanted to talk about, she said she was curious but i just said i'll talk to you tomorrow. Dunno whether this is good or not but whatever. I'm going to apologize for being so immature that i let something like her being uncomfortable during sex lead me to acting this way, and that overall it's taken something like this for me to step back and see the bigger picture. I've truly learned so much from this.

 

I'll let you know what happens as soon as it happens. Thanks so much guys. Wish me luck.

 

I'll let you know what happens as soon as it happens

[hunk]

aha **** double line post

[IfiKnewThen]

good luck hunk. i really hope it works out. i always felt in life that if someone is going to love you OR reject you, let it be the REAL you either way. because it would stink so much if someone loved the wrong image of you or rejected a a person who wasnt even really you. it's a lose, lose situation.

 

the only win situation is knowing you are you and did all you can. and you let them see the real you without the masking real feelings for them. if you do that during a relationship you risk losing a partner who thinks you dont care.

 

if they reject you when you showed you cared, then you know you need a new partner.

 

i am sure you know what i am talking about even if it sounds like a tongue twister.

 

the point is....be a loving you. you can always walk away with real pride and strength or come together with someone with all that you have and are

[MissBennett]

good luck hunk. i really hope it works out. i always felt in life that if someone is going to love you OR reject you, let it be the REAL you either way. because it would stink so much if someone loved the wrong image of you or rejected a a person who wasnt even really you. it's a lose, lose situation.

 

the only win situation is knowing you are you and did all you can. and you let them see the real you without the masking real feelings for them. if you do that during a relationship you risk losing a partner who thinks you dont care.

 

if they reject you when you showed you cared, then you know you need a new partner.

 

i am sure you know what i am talking about even if it sounds like a tongue twister.

 

the point is....be a loving you. you can always walk away with real pride and strength or come together with someone with all that you have and are

 

 

DITTO!!!

 

Best of luck to you hunk! and remember - whatever happens, you can hold your head high knowing you were REAL and true to yourself (which I think you did say just above)

 

wishing you strength and courage. keep us posted!

[hunk]

Ah well. Just got home. I spoke from my heart and i told her everything. She understood and appreciated me telling her, and she said she knew i wasn't being myself and that she understands why i feel the way i do and she can see where i'm coming from.

She basically said that she wants to be single right now, and that was always the case, not that she wasn't happy with me. i guess i do understand why she feels this way. (she's young, has been in 2 relationships, both took up basically her entire teenage years, she says she wants to be independent, which i also understand because she hasn't been independent and on her own during her teens and has always had someone with her, she literally started seeing me a week after her ex boyfriend moved away. She's shy and lacks alot of confidence, and has recently just started gaining that confidence through a new job and school and stuff and i think she just wants to explore this new idea of independence on her own). I don't know what to make of this. I completely understood everything she was saying, and accepted it, but i made sure she knew i wasn't hanging around and that i wanted us to be together. I just don't understand how the need for independence can overrule the feeling of being in a loving relationship, but then again i haven't been in her position. She kept assuring me it had nothing to do with me, which i really want to believe. She's extremely truthful and kind hearted and i don't think she'd lie to me about this. She isn't the kind to play games or try and cover things up, or lead me on.

I have no idea how she feels about me. She said she wants to see what happens down the line with us because she agrees we're special together, but for now she wants to focus on herself without having anyone in her life. I feel it's just GIGS. I feel like ****, because i genuinely will never know how she feels about me, but i'm inclined to believe it's nothing to do with me because i told her EVERYTHING i needed to, and i know the feeling cant have just died this quickly. She said "I don't see why this needs to be a bad thing, we can both just focus on ourselves and see what happens. I just need to be independent now and experience being single because i haven't had that while i've been a teenager". I'm really independent and have been from a young age, and it's allowed me to, at my age now, understand and experience alot, while she's basically the opposite. I said i understood but it's hard to think of that concept positively when i feel so strongly about her. She told me she had no interest in seeing anyone and didn't even want to fool around and that it wasn't about that. She's not that type, she's had sex twice, with her ex and me, but i guess she probably wants to get her numbers up and have fun now. She said to me "where would we be going? it's not like we would end up getting married". I didn't really know how to respond to this, i just said "what kind of question is that? we would just be together". She hasn't had as much life experience as me, even though i'm only a year older than her, and i think she's just not emotionally at my level.

 

I just don't know what to do right now. The fact that i gave it my all telling her this, the fact that our relationship was so solid and the fact that she sees this aswell and denies it being about me makes me believe her, but I'm torn between believing her and just writing it off as GIGS. We're both young, i've been single and lived it and she hasn't. She asked me if there was a part of me that wanted to be single and i said of course, an extremely insignificant part, but my feelings for her completely crush them. Being single though means hooking up with other people, and i just can't grasp which aspect of being single she wants, the independence or the hook ups. I guess i'd be kidding myself if i didn't say both.

 

I hate this feeling so much, it's like rejection even though i didn't ask her for anything. She still wants to see me, but i just don't know how to act around her. I told her i can't just be friends with her, but maybe in this situation it's the best thing? Will she get over this phase once she's done it all? She's in my friends circle so i'm goign to have to be out with her often, just seeing her being "single". Ideally, i'd disappear, but for the sake of my social life i obviously can't do that.. By no means am i waiting around for her, but i feel she's going to come back to me once she's tried and tested being single. We have a connection i just can't see her having with anyone else, i can't even really explain it we work together absolutely effortlessly, and deep down i know she's going to come around and see this when all this has blown over. The thing is, i'm not going to be here when she does.

 

What do i do

[MissBennett]

Okay, Let’s breathe. (yes do it, let out that pent up breath )

 

First things first – pat yourself on the back and give yourself a big congratulatory handshake YOU DID IT!!! You told her. That, my friend, took balls.

So take a moment to enjoy and be proud of yourself for that.

Once you’ve done that, we can get on to the tricky stuff.

She acknowledged what you said. This is good. She’s hearing you. And taking it on board by the sounds. Communication is open – success in that regard. This is good, good, good (even though you weren’t met with the response you wanted)

 

Where she’s coming from:

Sov she said she wants to be single right now. Tough to hear. But not entirely hard to understand (as you’ve said). Wow – she was split up with her ex a week? That is quick.

 

Okay so I’m not going to speculate here, and I would advise you to try not to either. You have been completely honest and upfront with her, and you know her, and have no reason to think she wouldn’t be the same (as you’ve said – she’s an honest and true hearted person).

 

So she wants her independence. She obviously feels like this is very important to her, and if it is, as you’ve said, she’s gaining more confidence, it is natural for her to want that for herself. I have always considered myself fairly independent but since I have split up from my ex, I have found (eventually) a newfound confidence I didn’t know I had within me. And I have to tell you, it feels fantastic. Even though I was pushed into it, and there was a lot I had to go through, I’m looking at this newfound confidence as the silver lining and it has honestly enhanced my life. I feel more like a capable \woman now than I ever have before and more ready to bring bigger and better things to a relationship.

 

Now, I cannot say if this is the same with your ex but I can say that I think this is so so Soooo valuable for all young women. Especially those that have kind of ‘jumped’ from one relationship straight into another one. I think part of the growing up we do as girls is to define ourselves outside of our relationships with guys. Such a big part of the way young women love is to give all ourselves over to the man in our life and want to do and be everything for them. Probably especially so for young women who are shy, timid etc. Eventually everybody needs to go through this ‘defining period’.

 

She needs to find the happiness and contentment within herself first. Before she can enhance her happiness with someone else (does this make sense? I kinda get the feeling I might be talking around in circles)

 

She is clearly at a different stage in this process to you. Unfortunately, this process needs to be done alone. I know you want to do anything you can to help her be that happy and confident herself but it’s like a rite of passage. She needs to find that all on her own. And she will be a better person for it.

 

It sounds to me like she needs to know that she if she is with you, she is with you because she WANTS to be. Not because she NEEDS to be.

And let me tell you, I don’t think any successful relationship works unless the two people in that relationship are not in it out of ANY feeling of need but purely because they want to.

 

Yes– it is going to be tough to let her do that with minimal input from you. Extremely. Especially as you still have feelings for her. But, this is what she has expressly told you she wants.

Again I’m going to bring up that you haven’t been broken up for very long.

 

I think it’s probably a good thing that you take this opportunity to have a breather. Do not be afraid to give her a little space. Sounds to me like she really wants to take this time in her life to take a step back and carefully consider all the factors.

 

By the way – hookups aren’t that appealing to everyone. Alright in theory, but I tend to think more people do it ‘because they’re single and it’s the “done” thing” than anything else. OF course – not a blanket rule.

 

Okay, so, I think you need to dial it back. You guys being friends will not ‘work’ in the sense that true friends will… and this you will have to understand.

 

You will not be comfortable seeing her with other guys and you will not be comfortable hearing her talk about them. I would even expect you to get uncomfortable even hearing others mentioning things that they talked to her about that you didn’t know about

Knowing this, you will probably have to dial back the social interactions with your mutual friends. I know how much this sucks. Trust me. I have the same close friendship group as my ex too and it sucks BIG TIME. You cant escape. I know, you’re probably not going to listen to me on this point (I know I wouldn’t have) but try to not turn up at every gathering all the time. Instead, make time to catch up with the members of the group in smaller chunks (ie. All the boys – boys night etc) This way you maintain your friendships while not tearing yourself apart every time you see her.

 

Also I’m going to point out that just because one is single does not mean they are “on the market” so it doesn’t mean that she’s going to be actively looking for someone to hook up with. However having said that, it doesn’t mean that she’s not open to the idea of someone else.

 

But we’re getting off track.

 

Remember this is a marathon. Not a race.

She’s asked for space for a while, so give it to her.

Dial it back, don’t ignore her all the time necessarily when she contacts you but don’t talk to her every week.

 

Keep any contact you do have amicable, but to a minimum.

Don’t be available all the time. Stay off the chat for a few days at a time. Don’t hang around for hours waiting for her to come on.

As I said before, you need her head and heart to agree and this is going to be gradual if she is going to come back.

Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself, rediscover old hobbies, throw yourself into a project and hang out with new people.

I would like to stress that moving forward and on, does not have to include someone else. You do not have to date the first girl that responds to your flirting. You do not have to start ‘seeing’ the next girl that comes around the corner. Actually if you do do this, you’ll shoot your integrity to hell.

 

You don’t have to hang around forever. And you wont. But for now (for the next few weeks at least), Enjoy being you.

 

*Please ask anything you don’t think I answered or need more help on, if you can deal with my ramblings anymore

Edited March 24, 2011 by MissBennett

[IfiKnewThen]

wow...such good advise missbennett (seriously)

 

hunk...no matter how negative you think or feel this is, i can tell you, it had to be done (all around) for many reasons.

 

she will see you in another light. i say this because the light she was seeing you in before, was getting very dim, and her need to create her own light was getting brighter.

 

now she really knows how important she is to you. that she didnt waste her time. that she mattered. and it put the love making aspect in perspective too, as to how you felt afterwards.

 

 

now she is informed, instead of being left disappointed and telling herself what she did was right and she was glad she did it. now she can connect the dots and there is something there to be missed, and even celebrated that she had with you.

 

now you dont have to say...i wish i said this. i wish i said that...i wish she knew how i really felt, so that she didnt judge me on what i held back from her.

 

 

no one didn't get over a demon that that didn't eventually face down. and you took a positive step.

 

yes it hurts. but you are being honest. and that really does say a lot about you as a man and that does rock! and someday you will see this to be true.

 

again if she were the type of girl who kept giving you a hard time and messed with your head all the time and was a flirt....or cheated. ...of course i would say, N/C and show her you don't care. act aloof and blah blah blah.

 

but this ISNT the case. Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

you did something new and refreshing. each of you has to step back now. yes she made it clear she wants to be single. she has had time to think about it. but she hasnt had anytime to think about what you did yet. let her.

 

also, i think its interesting she said this: "where would we be going? it's not like we would end up getting married".

 

believe me most woman want to end up somewhere. not go nowhere. she may not want to get married right away but eventually. she might want to work on her career first...etc. i think you handled it fine asking her what kind of a question that was. i wish she elaborated and answered. maybe in her minds eyes she meant that, you would both be around and no one is looking to get married so its possible to come back together again. or she was hinting...where is this going....i want a stable life and a plan for the future if we were to be together. those are the 2 possibilities that come to my mind when hearing that.

 

either way she is willing to talk to you and that in and of itself, IS a good

sign.

 

usually when people are really "done" they dont even bother talking.

 

i also think its good you expressed yourself now. there are windows of opportunities in life and i feel this one had to be done soon. even if it was only a window of raw honest communication.

 

i know this might have gone against the grain of what you are used to. but in time you will feel more comfortable that you let her know how you feel, than if you didn't. i think you already knew this and that's why you went ahead with what you felt.

 

so just step back now and live your life and work on you and see things in a new perspective around you. you have grown from this even if you hate the temporary feeling for it. hang in there. you are a very articulate person.

 

john gray a relationship expert who wrote the book men are from mars women are from venus also wrote a book called mars and venus starting over. its when men and woman break up and how to repair their lives...feelings etc. one of the very first things he strongly speaks of is healing the old feelings or making peace with you past first. he strongly says good ending make for good beginnings in a new relationship.

 

 

i am not saying this is over for good. neither did your ex. but i am saying...its better you had THIS ending..then the former one with no words of love and what you really felt and not handling the misunderstandings. that is a very frustrating place to be at. this too is frustrating, i know, because its not a reconciliation with her. but it can be reconciliation and resolve with yourself. and that will help in the future with whatever happens in your life now. be at peace with yourself now that you did a good thing.

 

then one day at a time, get through the day with doing other good things for yourself. you dont have to be friends with her but you can still be friendly....if you talk...etc.

 

some will say here N/C. when thats right for you fine. it may be now. i dont know. you'll know.

 

there's a book called how to get your lover back. i am not an advocate about this...but i will say...it does tell you that for men seeking a woman who was good to them, you might want to be friends and remain in contact and maybe they will appreciate the friendship and you can build on that.

 

that takes a certain kind a person and it is a gamble.

 

thats why i just say....be friendly, not friends. some argue you move into the friends zone.

 

but in reality, its hard to say to a woman all or nothing at all, (no friends)when there were some real troubles in a relationship that haven't been dealt with or fully addressed and mutually resolved.

 

or when they want to spread their wings and be single when they never were, and are wanting some form of Independence (especially when they are young) and want to concentrate on things like school and career.

 

so to say all or nothing....one may end up with nothing.

 

so there are times when friends are in order. it takes a strong character for this.

 

anyway, you did good. trust that. now what?

 

one day at a time, with building yourself more with things you enjoy..(even if its without her)

 

and again i say...one day at a time. don't think about all the stuff in the future and the what if's. just do something meaningful and positive with yourself today. then get up and do it again the next day. ride all the emotions you go through. dont get stuck in one emotion. after break ups there can be hope, fear, anger , sadness. its a cycle. its natural. in the book, mars and venus starting over and in when your lover leaves you...both say, its ok to go thru these feelings and cycles and the order of them can switch. but the thing is don't get stuck in one feeling. each feeling keeps things balanced believe it or not. ride the wave. and keep doing things to make you happy and stronger. of course not drugs and crap like that. that is no remedy for anything and makes matters worse. i know you know that. so pat yourself on the back because you deserve it and keep moving forward.

 

you are on the right track.

[hunk]

Once again, amazing advice from both of you. Thank you so much.

 

I completely understand where she is coming from now. I didn't exactly see it in the same light as i do now last night, obviously because i was just upset at the fact she didn't want to be with me and that's mainly what i was focusing on. I don't want to come across as bitter or angry whatsoever towards her, because i can now see where she's coming from so clearly. We had a long friendship before we started officially seeing eachother, and i know she's the type of person that values people and wouldn't just throw something like what we have away. She wouldn't just jump into seeing someone in a short period of time i guess is what i mean. I hope i reacted well to what she said. I definitely took it all in stride and told her i understood, but that it was hard for me to get my head around so quickly because obviously i feel differently. We didn't argue or anything and hopefully she knows that i understood what she was telling me but was obviously sort of hurt. (i wasn't happy or anything but i definitely wasn't crying or moody, just kind of let down). It really took those posts for me to completely understand what she was talking about..

Do you think i should text her telling her i know where she's coming from? I kind of have the feeling deep down she knows i understand though, even though i was disappointed last night, and that i should just leave it.

I don't want to go around trying to make her jealous or hook up with other girls. I want her to have the space she obviously crucially needs, i want her to have fun with her friends and her new sense of independence, because honestly i couldn't even imagine not being single at any point during my teens, and you guys are right, it's so important for her to have that.

 

I'm gonna just do me, still be friendly with her but not close.

I'm a believer in the saying if you love someone set them free. I guess i'll be putting it into practice now and i'll just have to let time do the work. If she does come back, hopefully she'll bring this new confidence with her and we can have an even stronger relationship than before.

[IfiKnewThen]

as painful as this can be, you sound level headed and solid. it can be a rollarcoaster ride. but i know you will get through it and ride it out however it takes. in the meantime she will get this out of her system and you DO stand in a much better light. personally i dont see harm in telling her you understand again. it wont make matters worse. it just comes down to if you feel you can handle it or not at this time. i think its better to strike while the iron is hot...the doors of communication are open. just dont get into any arguments or side track. stay the course. then let it go.