SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Ok, I already made my decision about this, I do not plan to change my mind. However, I was talking to a male friend of mine and he said I should. So this is the story Wednesday : Started talking to this guy off of a dating site Thursday : We text and talked all day on our breaks - decided we will go on our first date Sunday Friday : We text a little during the day - he gets out of work at 8 ,ask if I want to get a drink but I am still at work. So later that night he say we should meet up Saturday Saturday : We are both busy and texts me in the evening and tell me his is drunk ( which understandable for a reason not mentioned). I reply two hours later to confirm for Sunday plans. He replies confirming and tell me he is going to sleep Sunday : We meet up go have lunch and sit in his car talking for three hours. He asks for a kiss - which didn't happen. He makes plans for us for tomorrow and makes sure he sets a place and time. Monday : I text him around lunch something about the weather. He doesn't reply. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday. An hour before we are suppose to meet up he sends me a picture of him at work and then 30 minutes later ... texts me "Heyy want to come to my house and rent a movie"... I say "no thank you " and he replies "K". Ok this is the dilema . I think I should leave it like this. Since he obviously didn't even have enough respect to mention our plans. I have no intention of writing him . However my friend say I have all right to tell him off. So what do you think Ls?
johan Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Before you take action, why don't you ask him what's up? His answer will either justify you telling him to kiss off or will make you think again.
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Before you take action, why don't you ask him what's up? His answer will either justify you telling him to kiss off or will make you think again. Why would I even want to ask him what's up? I really don't think he deserves my time.
johan Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Why would I even want to ask him what's up? I really don't think he deserves my time. Curiosity? I'm not suggesting you give him any time, but it still might be interesting to see what kind of response he comes up with. And if he really doesn't deserve your time, then maybe the time and energy spent telling him off will be time and energy wasted?
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Ok this is the dilema . I think I should leave it like this. Since he obviously didn't even have enough respect to mention our plans. I have no intention of writing him . However my friend say I have all right to tell him off. So what do you think Ls? I don't know if this is necessarily about respect. This could be a communication thing. He proposed an alternative plan to you. Perhaps he thought it wasn't necessary to mention the older plans since an alternative plan is self explanatory. If you mean he didn't even mention the older plans after you rejected his alternative plan, then that could also mean he thought you rejected him altogether, instead of just his alternative plan. In my opinion there is still some unclarity here. It's easy to think that this guy was after sex and nothing else, but you can't know that for sure. I don't know how the dynamic was between you and this guy, but in my opinion the information you provided in your post is too little for me to make a sure judgement about it. Basically the missing information is how he interpreted your rejection of his alternative plan.
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Curiosity? I'm not suggesting you give him any time, but it still might be interesting to see what kind of response he comes up with. And if he really doesn't deserve your time, then maybe the time and energy spent telling him off will be time and energy wasted? Truthfully, I am scared that he will brush me off. I will feel even worse then. I don't know what to do?
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I don't know if this is necessarily about respect. This could be a communication thing. He proposed an alternative plan to you. Perhaps he thought it wasn't necessary to mention the older plans since an alternative plan is self explanatory. If you mean he didn't even mention the older plans after you rejected his alternative plan, then that could also mean he thought you rejected him altogether, instead of just his alternative plan. In my opinion there is still some unclarity here. It's easy to think that this guy was after sex and nothing else, but you can't know that for sure. I don't know how the dynamic was between you and this guy, but in my opinion the information you provided in your post is too little for me to make a sure judgement about it. Basically the missing information is how he interpreted your rejection of his alternative plan. The thing is that I didn't leave anything out. I understand what you are saying but I don't know! :-( Why would I want to go to his house on a second date? I mean I would have paid for our tickets - if that was the problem. I don't know - I hate loop holes.
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Try verbal plan-making next time The plans were made in person - on the first date. Not via text
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Ok, I am being a hard ass because I probably don't want to deal with getting hurt. I went into this thinking it was going to go anywhere and guess what? It can be so much things - I know he spent a ton of money today fixing his car and probably didn't have any to spend on something like the movies. However, I am not a mind reader. I really don't even know who canceled on who. It is easy for me to assume he just wants sex. I can't to call him a jerk and leave scott free. Then again it can be just what I think it is. However if you didn't get a kiss on the first date - I don't think someone will really expect much on a second date. The sad thing I wouldn't have mind a day in but it is too early for that. I learned that here right?
carhill Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 The plans were made in person - on the first date. Not via text My mistake. It sounded like the discourse on Monday was electronic texts. When plans are suggested to change, 'call me'. IME, it helps. It's more 'personal'.
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) The thing is that I didn't leave anything out. I know. What I meant with that was that there was too little information to make a sound judgement, because it wasn't clear if he interpreted your rejection of his alternative plan as a rejection of his plan or as a rejection of him. You don't know how he interpreted that, so you couldn't have posted it and that's why I said it could be a communication issue, as there's a piece missing from the puzzle. Why would I want to go to his house on a second date? I mean I would have paid for our tickets - if that was the problem. I don't know - I hate loop holes. It was not my intention to imply you should have gone to his house, certainly not if you don't want to. Truthfully, I am scared that he will brush me off. I will feel even worse then. I don't know what to do? Relax SmileFace. You need to keep things in perspective. You guys had one date and if he brushes you off, then he's either not worth it due to him wanting something from you that he wasn't able to get OR there could have been some miscommunication, but in either case I don't think you yourself would be the base reason if he bushed you off. Edited March 15, 2011 by Nexus One
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) Relax SmileFace. You need to keep things in perspective. You guys had one date and if he brushes you off, then he's either not worth it due to him wanting something from you that he wasn't able to get OR there could have been some miscommunication, but in either case I don't think you yourself would be the base reason if he bushed you off. DON'T TELL ME RELAX!! lol I am just kidding. I don't mind if he brushed me off. I do not expect everyone to be into me. However this is like the 5th time something like this has happened to me in the last three months. I am keeping things in perspective but I am starting to think it was me. My anger is truthfully not for him but for my dating life as a whole. I realize I keep dealing with this miscommunication so I am definately not blaming guys for that. Edited March 15, 2011 by SmileFace
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I realize I keep dealing with this miscommunication so I am definately not blaming guys for that. Just be clear and direct to guys. I think you have the direct part of your communication covered, as it was immediately clear that you didn't want to kiss on your first date and that you didn't want to go to his house on your second date, so that's good. What wasn't clear though, to me and I guess to you too, was how he interpreted your rejection of his alternative plan. So what you could say to him to make clear that you didn't reject HIM, but only the alternative plan, is something similar to: "Don't get me wrong. The reason that I didn't want to go to your house on the second date wasn't because I don't like you. I generally don't go to a date's house on a second date, that's too fast for me." That way you make clear that you didn't reject HIM, but only his alternative plan. And it also allows him to give a response of how he interpreted your rejection. Edited March 15, 2011 by Nexus One
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Take this from a pro-dater: Whenever a guy asked me on a house date, be it 2nd or 6th, even if we have not even kissed, flirted or touched before - HE ATTEMPTED TO HAVE SEX. Every single time, no exceptions. Hell, even my male friends attempted at least a kiss. It is disrespectful for a guy to ask you on a house date so early and he knows it. When a guy likes a girl he will put some effort into dates. He wouldn't want to risk offending a girl he really likes by asking her to his house so early.
Cee Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 You did the right thing and he doesn't deserve your time. If he gave any thought to your needs and feelings he wouldn't suggest an at-home movie date. He is asking you to trust a virtual stranger in his own home and space. It's not a safe or appropriate way to get to know someone on the 2nd encounter.
heartshaped Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I think your response was wrong to his suggestion of an alternate plan. You said, "no thank you" instead of asking him what about the plans we already had. When you said no you closed the door on the discussion instead of giving him a chance to explain himself. Not everyone that invites you to their house [even early on] is after sex. In my relationships, former and present, it has depended on my comfort level with the person how soon I spent time alone with them in private at my home or theirs. If he was after sex, I think there would have been some more definite signs unless you are leaving something out. Why not ask him why he suggested alternate plans instead of the ones the two of you had?
Andy_K Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 He almost certainly thinks you're not interested. You chat for three hours and he doesn't even get a kiss. He makes all the effort to set up the next date/time you'll meet, then suggests an alternative instead and you just say 'no thanks'. If I was him, I very much doubt I'd bother continuing to pursue you either. I'd assume you're not that keen and were probably half-relieved that you get to avoid the second date.
snug.bunny Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 You did the right thing and he doesn't deserve your time. If he gave any thought to your needs and feelings he wouldn't suggest an at-home movie date. He is asking you to trust a virtual stranger in his own home and space. It's not a safe or appropriate way to get to know someone on the 2nd encounter. This. I know people are saying that when she declined his offer to go over to his house, that he probably perceived it as "not interested", but any self-respecting man would understand that it was an inappropriate suggestion so early on. And from what I understand, they had plans for that evening, and he tried to bypass it by inviting her over instead. Plus, him calling her while he was drunk, the day before their first date? All of this, does not make for a good impression overall.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I have been there some many times. John offered to cook me dinner at his house as a second date. Does he want sex? But we haven't even kissed!! Jack wants to watch DVDs - is it a code for sex? My gut always said yes but I ignored it and went on those dates. What would happen is that at some point those guys would kiss me and start a full on make out session, leading to groping and taking my clothes off and...you get the picture. Every time I had to use these words as if I am a teenager: "No, stop!" They all did stop but some were pissed and called me a tease and proceeded to be awkward for the rest of the evening and then never called again. Just don't look back on this one! P.S. Actually I had this situation with my latest fling, the tennis coach who attempted sex when we spent couple of days on the remote farm (where he is temporarily living). When I confided in my brother he was freaked that I would even go to a stranger's house so soon. He said you are basically playing a Russian roulette when you do this. Sometime, one guy won't stop and will proceed to rape you or worse.... Edited March 15, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 This. I know people are saying that when she declined his offer to go over to his house, that he probably perceived it as "not interested", but any self-respecting man would understand that it was an inappropriate suggestion so early on. And from what I understand, they had plans for that evening, and he tried to bypass it by inviting her over instead. Plus, him calling her while he was drunk, the day before their first date? All of this, does not make for a good impression overall. Well it was the St.Patrick's day parade. He wanted to meet up but I told him to go hang with his friends. I think it was expected that he will be drunk so I am not reading into that.It was one text. Yes I also see how it can be perceived that I wasn't interested but if you seeing that I actually contacted him after the date first - I have to be some kind of interested.
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Ugh, I just think if we made plans, it is rude not to even mention them. If I wanted to change plans - I would have at least brought up the previous plans. The only thing I wasn't interested in was going to his house. It was the second date - I refuse to put myself in that situation. If he is so absorbed and can't realize my reply was only like that since he invited me to his house, oh well. i did send him a text - no I am not calling - and asked which one of us actually cancelled yesterday. He will let you guys know his reply.
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I think your response was wrong to his suggestion of an alternate plan. You said, "no thank you" instead of asking him what about the plans we already had. When you said no you closed the door on the discussion instead of giving him a chance to explain himself. I was already peeved that he decided to write me an half hour before our plans with an alternate plan with no explanation. I won't say I closed the door - if he was interested, wouldn't he had ask why or something?
Author SmileFace Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 If I was him, I very much doubt I'd bother continuing to pursue you either. I'd assume you're not that keen and were probably half-relieved that you get to avoid the second date. No, I was actually looking forward to the second that - I really enjoyed the first.
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) To be honest, I don't even think St. Patricks day is an excuse to get drunk. Drinking alcohol is fine and dandy in my opinion, as long as you keep it reasonable. Getting drunk is beyond the point of reasonable in my opinion. Getting tipsy though is hard to prevent when drinking even reasonable amounts of alcohol. I don't know how much he drank though. If he gets drunk after 1 or 2 beers, well then that's more in the range of tipsy or he's very susceptible to alcohol. So in my opinion there have been 3 (possible) red flags so far. 1. Him getting drunk. (If he was beyond tipsy) 2. Him trying to get you to his house on the second date. 3. And a possible third one where he disregarded your original plans, but that's only if he didn't interpret your rejection of his plan as a rejection of himself. It's not so much that I think he's a bad guy. It's more that I think you deserve a quality guy and those flags do not indicate that, but I might be wrong, because I don't know him. So take that with a grain of salt. Edited March 15, 2011 by Nexus One
Recommended Posts