DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I just witnessed a total breakdown of a seemingly lovely relationship. My brother had been dating his ex fiance for a little over a year before he proposed just a few days ago. They had a really nice relationship and he always seemed head over heels in love with her. But a couple days before he asked her parent's for her hand in marriage (yes, he went the old fashioned way) he started having second thoughts about them being married. He thought it was just cold feet... so he got the ring and proposed as planned. But today he broke off the engagement. I'm shocked, I feel more sorry for my brother's ex than anything, and I was kind of friends with her so I actually feel a sense of loss too. My brother simply said that he couldnt put his finger on it, but there was something that didnt feel right about him spending the rest of his life with her. But just yesterday he was telling her he was the luckiest man on earth. This is making me question my faith in relationships a little..... I just needed to vent.
brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Wow, I gotta say, I feel for the fiance, couldn't your brother have figured all this out before proposing?
TouchedByViolet Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Thats sucks. Must be a total mind **** for her
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I dont understand it either... The whole thing is so confusing. I'm trying to be a supportive sister, but to be honest, I've cried today just thinking about the pain his ex is going through because I knew her personally. So just thinking about the depth of the pain he caused her is difficult for me to process..... The whole thing is just tragic. I would love nothing more to know that she will be alright. This wasn't even my breakup and I feel like I need therapy now. It's also hard for me to deal with the fact that I won't talk to her again probably... I considered her a friend so it's upsetting... Oh yeah, and today, literally a couple hours before it happened, she asked if I would be one of her brides maids... : ( Edited March 15, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
utterer of lies Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I dont understand it either... The whole thing is so confusing. I'm trying to be a supportive sister, but to be honest, I've cried today just thinking about the pain his ex is going through because I knew her personally. So just thinking about the depth of the pain he caused her is difficult for me to process..... The whole thing is just tragic. I would love nothing more to know that she will be alright. This wasn't even my breakup and I feel like I need therapy now. It's also hard for me to deal with the fact that I won't talk to her again probably... I considered her a friend so it's upsetting... Oh yeah, and today, literally a couple hours before it happened, she asked if I would be one of her brides maids... : ( It's better he broke it off now than if we would have waited, pretending and trying to protect her, maybe even gone through with the marriage...
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) Yes... that was my brother's way of thinking.. He said it was better to do it now, once he was sure it was the right decision, than wait and do it even further down the line. But I can't get over how cruel it was, the way it ended. She went from cloud 9 to below zero in an instant... And her dad called my brother to tell him he's a jerk (which I agree with, dammit) and I'm just praying to God that she wasn't there to hear that. Because can you imagine just being broken up with (right after getting engaged) and having to hear your father scream at the boy that they LOVED the day before, and that she loves? And to know at the same time, that the guy doesn't want her anymore? I feel sick. And I feel so torn. How do I support my brother when I'm becoming increasingly sad and upset at what he did to her? ... Thanks for the comments. Edited March 15, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
SingVoice Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I guess what I am wondering is was his decision to propose in the first place an impulse? I mean...maybe I am wrong...but don't men kind of think about this before they do it? I mean...it's almost like he did it impulsively and then the reality hit him right away and he ended it. How much thinking/planning did he do ahead of time? And YES I agree its better it happened now...but I'm having trouble connecting in my head why he would think he wanted to marry her and then literally the next day decide he didn't. Didn't he have doubts before?? I'm still sticking with impulse on this. When you ask someone to marry you (even if you go the traditional route and ask the parents)...it's something you should be thinking about for quite some time before acting on it. Maybe he was having doubts and he thought this would make them go away?
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 SingVoice, I think you are 100% correct. They had been talking about getting married for a while, but the actual decision to finally propose was VERY quick, to the point where we were slightly freaked about it. He didn't have enoguh credit to buy the engagement ring, so he set up a payment plan WITH MY MOM and my mom basically put down the money for the ring, which I was VERY against (because I think that's pretty immature right there). He actually took her ring shopping more than once, and went to look at rings himself more than once. And even his ex was sending him a few links of rings she was interested in. He got one shortly, and immediately made arrangements to ask the parents, then proposed as quickly as possible. So yeah, it doesn't sound to me like they talked much at all about ACTUALLY BEING MARRIED. They just thought it was right, he thought he knew what he wanted, and he obsessed over all the useless details (the ring, talking to her parents, asking her to marry him) but totally left out the part where you actually have to be READY TO BE MARRIED!!!! Then suddenly the proposal was over, the ring was on her finger, and apparently it wasn't until then that reality hit. He was lost in some fairytale land thinking they needed to go live happily ever after as planned... It's the worst mistake he's ever made. I wish he could have realized it much sooner.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Being in a similar situation, I can tell you that though you are his family, providing her emotional support would do both of you a *huge* world of good. Though my ex didnt propose, we were together a couple of years, he brought up marriage and we were looking at houses to move in together. He told every and anybody how lucky he was to have me, I grew close to his family and everyone from the way hed talk about me and my daughter ad naseum thought this was the real deal. Then, out of the blue he was seeing someone else and dumped me. And yeah, as I talked with his family, we were all just in shock and freaking out together. The closest thing to a straight answer Ive gotten out of him how and why this happened is his feelings evolved. Hrmm..okay. But his fam was a huge support system...after the breakup his parents told me flat out, they loved my and my daughter and consider us their own because of who we were to them, not cause I was dating their son, and in the past couple of years, they still consider me to be like a daughter, and his siblings see me as a sister to them and one of the family. but yeah, I totally understand where youre coming from..they were pretty devastated to find out what happened and that me being part of the family wasnt going to be official. And angry...one of his sisters still refuses to talk to him because of how everything went down and how harshly he broke my heart.
utterer of lies Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Yes... that was my brother's way of thinking.. He said it was better to do it now, once he was sure it was the right decision, than wait and do it even further down the line. But I can't get over how cruel it was, the way it ended. She went from cloud 9 to below zero in an instant... And her dad called my brother to tell him he's a jerk (which I agree with, dammit) and I'm just praying to God that she wasn't there to hear that. Because can you imagine just being broken up with (right after getting engaged) and having to hear your father scream at the boy that they LOVED the day before, and that she loves? And to know at the same time, that the guy doesn't want her anymore? I feel sick. And I feel so torn. How do I support my brother when I'm becoming increasingly sad and upset at what he did to her? ... Thanks for the comments. I really don't understand why you insist on painting your brother in the villain role. It's much less cruel to end it now. He cannot force himself to love someone he doesn't. He did the right thing, painful as it is, and you blame him for doing something wrong? What's wrong with you?
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) ReturnToSender, Wow, it sounds like your exes family was even more emotionally connected than in this case. I definitely offered my support to his ex, but I'm not sure if she will take it. We'll see. Since my last post I've learned of some additional details of why this breakup may have occurred.. just things that suggest she probably wouldn't have been right for him long term. I will always hate the way this ended though, regardless of whether they were right for each other or not. Life throws such crazy curve balls it's insane... Utterer of Lies, I think you should be able to understand that this situation is upsetting. I *DO* blame my brother for the HARSHNESS of the way this ended. The fact that he proposed, promised her the world, and THEN ended it. If you think I shouldn't bat an eye toward that, then what is wrong with you? In any case, I never said I thought they should stay together. They obviously belong apart now... But come on, the way in which he ended it was the harshest way I could have thought of. Just the day before he said he was the luckiest guy in the whole world. But... I know he was confused. I know that if it's not right in his heart, then that's that. But it's still an awful thing, and if he could go back in time, I'm sure he would have ended this in a way that would not have completely crushed her dream. I still love my brother, I just feel very upset for the poor girl. Edited March 15, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I really don't understand why you insist on painting your brother in the villain role. It's much less cruel to end it now. He cannot force himself to love someone he doesn't. He did the right thing, painful as it is, and you blame him for doing something wrong? What's wrong with you? Not to answer for her, but it could be anything. Without knowing fully the relationship he has with his family or the history of how he is. I only know from experience with my ex, hes wronged them so many times and has such a way about them that if anything surrounding him goes bad, they instantly say.omg whatd he do now? Like if I said I was having a bad they, theyd already assume it was his fault. Just cause theyve known him his whole life...and how he is. Soo...yeah I cant judge on the dynamics of why shes painting her brother in the villan role. She probably knows him pretty well and has a reason for jumping to that.... Anyway...lol Seems more info came up that maybe the bride to be wasnt totally on the up and up...maybe some stuff that had him doubt his decision? Im curious...!!! Edited March 15, 2011 by ReturnToSender
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