Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Hey Brainy, what is your source of men to choose from? is it internet, bars, lounges, supermarket, church, all of the above? Are you actively approaching men and filtering them out as you go to increase your chances, or are you waiting for them to come to you? (the latter will keep you waiting and frustrated for quite a while) Mostly through friends and relatives or online. I'm not a fan of the "bar scene" and when I go to church I tend to be either the youngest person there who isn't still a child or the oldest unmarried woman. Men in church seem to have a multitude of past sins, but want women who grew up in convents. I have never attempted to approach a guy in a supermarket. Online or in person, I tend to say hi and initiate conversations with people I'm interested in meeting or knowing. I did the wallflower thing for a while, it doesn't work.
Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 This is a sucky situation, Brainy-G Lots of men aren't willing to take on kids not of their own, but I have seen examples of those who do and they turn out to be really good men. I mean it's hard, but it's possible to find these men. I'm not sure, but I think I may be able to take on kids like this. I like kids, because they are a hell of a lot nicer than most adults I know and I like to show them how to do things. You sound really nice also and if you could accept a dude that doesn't look like a million bucks and a tad homely, I think I could see myself in this sort of relationship. I know how lonely is, I really do and it sucks. I'm a teacher, I'll never be rich. I appreciate the sentiment. What's frustrating and what I think a lot of people aren't getting, is that I want a man who wants to date ME. and after dating me for a while, then he can start being more than someone the kids know mom hangs out with. Guys think if they go on a date or have a relationship more significant than casual sex that all of a sudden they will be responsible for me and my kids. I'm responsible for me and my kids. It'd be nice to have a partner for the ride. Or at least hope of finding one.
Els Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 In my head I know this. But that doesn't help what I feel. Which is bonecrushingly lonely. What is a reasonable amount of time to "look" for a mate and not find one? When will I stop feeling like just crying when I see my idiot cousins or brain dead friends enjoying what I want and deserve too? I understand. Rant away if you feel like it. Life is not always fair. I have seen wonderful people rejected for any number of silly reasons - funny hair, too heavy, too skinny, breasts too small, etc... when there are plenty of deadbeat idiots I know who have happy relationships. Taking on kids this early in a relationship is a serious commitment IMO, and I do think you should be grateful those men are deciding that they are unable to do it this early on rather than leading you on.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Well brainy, a guy just rejected me as a *** buddy. So you have it good.
Content Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Id never date a women with kids no offense but from the start i wouldnt be the most imporant person in my partners life,it would be hard to get babysiters some weeks to go where we wanna go I want kids with somebody when were already married spent years nurturing or relationship and the kids arent looked at as a burden at times because you have to stay home as we want get to no each other more and build the relationship Im sure theres a special guy out there for you but you just have to be patient and relaize with three kids your options are limited
Good Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I know a man (no kids) who married a 40 year old woman with two kids (19 and 14), and they both led a very happy marriage. He treats her kids as if they were his own, and I know her son (the 19-year-old) even changed his last name to his step-father's. I'm only 19 and I don't have lots of experience when it comes to relationships. But I am surrounded by elder and married acquaintances who from time to time sprinkled some of their wisdom upon me. One key to a happy relationship is when neither spouses ask "what can I get out of this relationship?" or "how would this marriage benefit me?" This man that I was talking about obviously never asked this question. He's a high-ranking enlisted personnel of the US air force, an 18 year veteran. I'll let you decide whether that fits in the successful man category. Don't smoke, drink, or do anything stupid. Neither does his wife ever asked that same question. I know her and I can vouch with my life that she is not a gold digger in anyway. So I believe it is not a bad thing that some men turn away from you the moment they find out that you have three kids. Sorry to put it that way, but that is a dead giveaway that he is asking himself what he can get out of the relationship between you and him. One that doesn't ask this question wouldn't care if you had 10 kids. Of course such men are rare. But they are what I suggest you're looking for, and I hope you'll find one. Otherwise I think it's better to stay being a single mom.
Els Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I do not think the OP said in any way that single males without children OWE it to her to date her. Also, SincereOnlineGuy, if I recall correctly you are a supporter of using BC alone without condoms. Continue down that path any further and you may well find yourself in OP's position pretty soon. She clearly stated that three methods of contraception failed her.
Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Except when they are somehow responsible for your loneliness? The following person seems to be in a better, more sensible place than you are about the idea of dating when you are a single mother with kids: But you yourself, "brainygirl", were making CHOICES (at 16 or 17 no less) for which you still don't seem to accept responsibility. There is just something wrong when single mothers somehow equate the men who will not date them with the irresponsible men those single mothers have chosen in the past. It is probably doubly significant that the men who won't date them are the ones single mothers (think they) want to date, while the irresponsible guys are the ones with whom those single mothers keep mating. If indeed one were a single male, never married, not a father... just exactly what does he owe to the single mother of children in the way of being willing to date them? Each single mother very clearly got to make "CHOICES" all along her path, and she's usually quite willing to exhibit her choices at every social outlet. Now why shouldn't those on the other side be afforded the right to make CHOICES as well??? Go down this path any further and you'll reach the absurd debate over abortion. How is raising my kids, living a responsible life and putting myself through school NOT taking responsibility? How should single mothers act? should we stay in the slums and not bother to goo god fearing folk? Should we cut our hair and stop attempting to live happy, fulfilling lives? I take of my kids, no one else. I don't and never have pawned them off on others while I partied. I pay my bills, save for their college and my retirement, and am honest with the tax man.
Leeway Harris Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Some of you are being a little hard on the OP. I'd probably feel the same way if I were in her situation. And I don't think she's "blaming" her kids, she's recognizing that having them makes things more complicated for her. You'll need a lot of patience, brainygirl, but there's no reason to give up hope of finding what you want. But you may have to be more open to older men, as they are more likely to have children and understand where you're coming from. You said it didn't work out with some older men that you dated, but the reasons you mentioned had nothing to do with their age. Good luck!
alexlakeman Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 OP? I am a single father my high preference is dating single moms... Why? B/c they have the same scheduling conflicts I do, they understand when I don't call them b/c I am working on homework and NOT ignoring them, and hopefully at some point we morph everyone and can do things together... The problem? Does the ex have the kids on alternate weekends? Does he have them during the week? If the ex is not in the picture , does she have someone to baby sit, ie mom, friend, etc? I also think of reality... if we go to BK, and I have to pay for three kids, plus my two, her, and me... Holy crap... Is your ex in the picture? Does he get the kids sometimes? Make the guys aware of this up front... So they know it won't be a scheduling issue. Date ONLY guys with kids, it makes them more understanding when you have to cancel b/c your child is sick, or whatever. I recently went on 1-2 dates with a single mom of three.. I had my concerns... three!! Plus she said the ex wasn't in the picture that much and only had the kids on alternate weekends... Second time we planned to go out, he was supposed to pick them up and he didn't.... She said that was the "first" time it ever happpened....Hmmm, but she didn't seem to make any effort in using her free time to date. Bottom line? Date guys with kids..
lovelylove Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I raised my three teens alone after divorce, and had a casual relationship with a younger (10 yrs) man, who was a friend and lover, for five years. We both knew it was temporary, because I was just so busy with the kids, focused on their upbringing... Now that my kids are grown, I've met a man I could get really serious about... he has full custody of his 13 year old son... and NEVER gets a break... his ex doesn't watch the boy more than once a month, at random times... we NEVER get time alone... it's driving me NUTS and I don't know if I can continue this relationship... Kids are difficult, they are attention-seeking, time consuming, expensive, emotionally and physically exhausting... they invade your privacy, rattle your peace of mind, are noisy, messy, etc etc etc..... I loved raising my children, it was the best part of my life, the most rewarding.... but I'm telling you from a whole other perspective here that it is completely understandable why someone wouldn't want to be seriously involved with someone with kids.... Add in the factor of different parenting styles, the fact you can't really discipline someone else's kid.... UGH. I love this man SO MUCH but let me tell you, I love myself too, and relish the quiet, the time alone, so much now that the kid-raising is done. My advice is to try and be satisfied with a casual relationship, with a good friend (if he's hot, it's even better;), until your kids are grown. Then you can concentrate on finding a serious partner. Your kids deserve your full attention... and yes it can be lonely... but lots of people are lonely, even married people. Good luck sweetie, I know how hard it is... in the end the sacrifices are all worth it, icing on the cake of life. xoxoxoxoxoxo
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