Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 PM me when they decide you aren't a threat. That will take a month and 40 more posts from him on LS, since he registered in February. If you guys want I'll post an e-mail address in a removable image, you should both e-mail your e-mail addresses to that e-mail address to me and I'll send you each others e-mail address. I will not screw around with your e-mail addresses and will do it as a service to you guys. Do you both agree? If so I'll post it in the next 30 minutes and you will have each other's e-mail addresses.
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 That will take a month and 40 more posts from him on LS, since he registered in February. If you guys want I'll post an e-mail address in a removable image, you should both e-mail your e-mail addresses to that e-mail address to me and I'll send you each others e-mail address. I will not screw around with your e-mail addresses and will do it as a service to you guys. Do you both agree? If so I'll post it in the next 30 minutes and you will have each other's e-mail addresses. Thank you kindly, but no need at this point. Appreciate the effort and the offer!
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 "Unless I want to get with an over grown child or burnout that is, they'll be more than willing to tell me how nice I am, move into my home, eat my food, play my video games, sleep in my bed. But not be true partners." As in, if I was willing to allow a grown man to move into my house, eat my food, sleep in my bed, benefit from my income in the form of enteretainment I would have no problems in the mating and dating department. How ever, I and not willing to allow this situation to develop. I said nothing about a guy who relates to my child. What, again, does that have to do with drug users? Did you read nothing I wrote? I said I like video games and like fantasy movies, but I'm NOT a child. I am a responsible adult, who A.) can't support a single mother, and B.) has had the chance to date a single mother before, but hasn't because I can't financially support her. You're just writing confusing statements. I am an audio engineering major, with a secondary degree in journalism, and I haven't a clue what you're going on about half the time. And I may be overtly critical, and very outspoken, but I am NOT attacking you. I am just saying that you should be careful what you're saying, because it can easily be misunderstood. And this is quite clear in your following attack on me: Maybe you need to practice a little critical reading before you attack someone's thread. This obviously isn't about you and your prolonged childhood. Oh yes, playing video games means you have a prolonged childhood! Woman, get over yourself.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 7 days and 21 more posts, unless you want to be a supporting member like me and subscribe for money. OP, I'm a bit confused at how one could be lonely with three kids to tend to daily, but I guess one could be missing adult company. Have you thought about something like meetup.com, where you can share common interests with other adults and perhaps grow some personal friendships and relationships from that? Accept that your dating pool will be limited, even with your stellar credentials, due to being a young single mother of three. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is. I dated a number of such women in my 30's, but no joy, with personality mismatches leading the dynamics. Loved their kids though. Its a different kind of lonely I guess. Who can i talk to about the fact that I have these crazy co-workers? My son? they are his teachers. Who can I cuddle up to at night? Who tells me it'll all work out when the state legislature is talking about cutting the funding that gives me a job for the next five years? Who do I tell that great in a stupid sort of way chuck norris joke to? With the kids its homework and get up, get dressed, take a bath, go to school, go to bed, be good, don't put cheese in your wallet, don't run in the street, take your medicine, don't eat upstairs. Its great, in a lot of ways, but its not companionship.
Intricategirl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 OP, I'm a bit confused at how one could be lonely with three kids to tend to daily, but I guess one could be missing adult company. Have you thought about something like meetup.com, where you can share common interests with other adults and perhaps grow some personal friendships and relationships from that? Not to speak for the OP, but that's exactly it. The lack of adult company. Having a conversation that doesn't involve a fart joke, Barbies, or Legos. Even something like saying, "I'm going to work" and having someone in the house who gets the concept (because school isn't the same- they've never once given me recess at work).
carhill Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I know a certain LS'er with twin boys who calls me a couple times a week and we talk for a few hours. It helps her. Sounds like similar issues, but with two dead M's, I don't think she's looking for a full-time companion. Like I suggested, if what you're currently doing isn't working, try something else.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Well, every single mother should put her kids first. That's a given. I think the problem the OP has is that she is looking for someone who wants someone different than her. A smart, responsible man is going to be looking for a smart, responsible woman. Not one who considers her kids first, except when a man enters the equation, in which case he has to jump through a bunch of hoops in order to prove himself to her (while at the same time, doing a balancing act between being a responsible father figure, and also not letting loose and having fun with the kids himself.) Any man who would be open to dating her would be turned off, simply by that.
carhill Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 You explained a large portion of my 30's. This is exactly how the majority of single mothers were. It was a tightrope act that I couldn't pull off, and I did and do love children.
Els Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 @Leaning, what IS your problem??? Look, I really sympathized with you when I first saw your posts on LS, but apparently you can't extend that sympathy to others in the same boat as you. You are COMPLETELY twisting the OP's words. I reject burn-outs who are long term unemployed and not attempting to find work or retrain. I reject guys who are in their late 20s and still get blasted drunk three times a week and smoke pot and pop pills when they can get ahold of them. I see absolutely no reason why a person (man OR woman) who plays video games and watches TV on occasion cannot reject a person who is long-term unemployed by choice, smokes pot and pops pills. Is there even a connection?? The OP isn't looking for someone to provide for her children - she's looking for someone who won't be another child SHE has to provide for! Why are you making this about you, Leaning? @OP, to be fair, kids does limit your pool of potential partners. Some people just don't want kids at this stage of their life, especially not someone else's. Such is life. Most people have something that limits their partner pool, and yours happens to be the kids. It's okay. Think of it as a refining filter to get the sort of guy you want.
Scottdmw Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I had my first at 17, but I'm not on welfare and never have been. I've tried dating slightly older men and didn't like it. I like current music and video games and zombie movies. Staying in and watching sitcoms or going to the same old boring resturaunt aren't fun for me. Some of the guys rejecting me also have children. I feel like I'm paying for being a good person . . . I think this is a key point. First, you have to understand that having three kids is a major “minus” as far as your dating attractiveness, at least for many guys. You could be a beauty queen and brilliant too, but for many it just wouldn't matter. I know it feels like you're being punished for being a good person, but it's just the way it is. If you're having trouble getting your head around this, consider how you or least most women would feel about dating a man 5 inches shorter than yourself. Yes, he's not a bad person, but no, you wouldn't do it. Given that, I really think one of your best bets would be to go on the older side with men. The more young you are compared to them, the more of an automatic plus you get. It could make up for having kids. Now, I understand what you're saying that you've tried it. But, maybe you gave up a little too easily. I'm 38 and I still enjoy playing video games, watching the occasional zombie movie, eating at all the new restaurants I can find, and I am more active socially than a lot of people their 20s. It's a question of finding the right older guy. Don't assume because you went out with a couple that they are all the same. Best of luck, Scott
EmperorR Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 It's hard dating a single mom, but I'm sure there is a genuine good guy out there for you Patience is the key
Leeway Harris Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 The reason I would be reluctant to date a mother is this: It's never going to be just the two of you. The kid(s) will come first every time. And that's the way it has to be. Either you'll be dating someone whose priorities are squarely focused on someone else at all times, or a bad parent who's focused on some guy she's dating instead of her kids. If I were in a relationship, I would expect to be focused on the woman I'm with, and I have doubts that a woman with kids could give that in return. I know it's not fair of me to think this way, but there it is. Maybe you could join a single parents' group? Seems other men who have kids would be more likely to understand your situation.
Beerme Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I don't mean to be rude to the OP, but I do have a question. Are all your children from the same father? I've dated a bunch of single mothers, and it doesn't bother me at all. At my age, the women I dated when I was single were usually single parents. It does take a bit of scheduling, but I didn't find it a hassle at all. I completely understood that the kids came before me. I think that I would have a problem with a woman that didn't think that way. I do think that I may have paused a bit if a women had three kids, and the kids had different fathers though. I'm not totally sure why this would concern me, but I'm fairly certain that it would. Maybe because it would lead me to think that she is either a) not using protection when she probably should have been, or b) jumping into relationships way too readily. Sorry if this question has been asked and answered previously.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Ill share this and maybe possibly it will help the concept at least? Im a single mom, and have one child. I have never dated a guy with kids and super hesitant to... the reason being, I have one child, who is eerily just like me so shes super easy to deal with personality-wise. With the way I raised her, shes very polite, respectful, kind, thoughtful....any time I spend with her friends Im in freak out mode. I can appreciate and understand that they were just raised differently, but all the same, Im super happy when its time for them to go. So yeah, for one the prospect of going from one child to more than, plus dealing with kids who were raised differently and act like any of my daughters friends strikes fear in my soul lol And I can certainly see how someone who has no kids at all would freak out and run. So for that, I say kudos to those who do it, and I also say kudos to those who realize they cannot handle it and dont..cause its heartbreaking for a kid to get attached to a guy and then he realizes he cant handle it and leaves. Thats happened to my daughter twice now...much of that has me scared to try again before shes grown and on her own. All that being said, I have met and have interest in a guy who happens to have 3 kids...mine is 14, his are 10, 8 and 4. Plus Ill have "baby mama" stuff to contend with....something Ive never dealt with before, since kiddos dad is not in our lives at all. Yeah, that is kind of scary...but I really do like him, so Im willing to take things slow and see where things go. So if someone as apprehensive as me is willing to take a shot, dont give up, and def dont place anything on the kids as your reason for not finding love, cause you want your kids to be a part of that love. For a guy to be with you, he has to accept all of you, including the kids... If anything, consider them a filter system for the men who arent right for you.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I don't mean to be rude to the OP, but I do have a question. Are all your children from the same father? I've dated a bunch of single mothers, and it doesn't bother me at all. At my age, the women I dated when I was single were usually single parents. It does take a bit of scheduling, but I didn't find it a hassle at all. I completely understood that the kids came before me. I think that I would have a problem with a woman that didn't think that way. I do think that I may have paused a bit if a women had three kids, and the kids had different fathers though. I'm not totally sure why this would concern me, but I'm fairly certain that it would. Maybe because it would lead me to think that she is either a) not using protection when she probably should have been, or b) jumping into relationships way too readily. Sorry if this question has been asked and answered previously. My older are the product of a marriage . . . . I don't "jump into relationships" in fact the opposite is true, my friends and family accuse me of living like a nun.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I think this is a key point. First, you have to understand that having three kids is a major “minus” as far as your dating attractiveness, at least for many guys. You could be a beauty queen and brilliant too, but for many it just wouldn't matter. I know it feels like you're being punished for being a good person, but it's just the way it is. If you're having trouble getting your head around this, consider how you or least most women would feel about dating a man 5 inches shorter than yourself. Yes, he's not a bad person, but no, you wouldn't do it. Given that, I really think one of your best bets would be to go on the older side with men. The more young you are compared to them, the more of an automatic plus you get. It could make up for having kids. Now, I understand what you're saying that you've tried it. But, maybe you gave up a little too easily. I'm 38 and I still enjoy playing video games, watching the occasional zombie movie, eating at all the new restaurants I can find, and I am more active socially than a lot of people their 20s. It's a question of finding the right older guy. Don't assume because you went out with a couple that they are all the same. Best of luck, Scott I'm five two, a man five inches shorter than me is 1) a dwarf and 2) a statistical anomaly. I'm not entirely opposed to an older guy, I'm 29 so I'm not exactly young anymore, but there aren't men putting sings out "older man who knows how to have fun here". I dated a few in the five to ten years older than me range, and it was weird every time. One was super hung up on his business and car, the other, like I said, went to one and only one resturaunt and watched sitcoms so much he had alarms on his iphone to tell him when his favorite was coming on. The third kept talking to me like I didn't know anything about anything.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 @OP, to be fair, kids does limit your pool of potential partners. Some people just don't want kids at this stage of their life, especially not someone else's. Such is life. Most people have something that limits their partner pool, and yours happens to be the kids. It's okay. Think of it as a refining filter to get the sort of guy you want. In my head I know this. But that doesn't help what I feel. Which is bonecrushingly lonely. What is a reasonable amount of time to "look" for a mate and not find one? When will I stop feeling like just crying when I see my idiot cousins or brain dead friends enjoying what I want and deserve too?
OliveOyl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I dated a few in the five to ten years older than me range, and it was weird every time. One was super hung up on his business and car, the other, like I said, went to one and only one resturaunt and watched sitcoms so much he had alarms on his iphone to tell him when his favorite was coming on. The third kept talking to me like I didn't know anything about anything. I don't think this had anything to do with the fact that they were older. People don't become personality-challenged just because they get older. I wouldn't dismiss older men so quickly. I agree *as a general group*, older men are more likely to be accepting of your situation than men your age. However, that being said, all it takes is ONE compatible person, who may end up being your age after all.
Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 I can provide you with a little insight from a male perspective of someone who will not date single moms. As I understand it you have two children by one man, and another child from another man. Is that correct? And you started at age seventeen? When I see this I see a girl that made a mistake (kind of understandable) at a young age, and didn't really learn from that mistake another man later. Is your judgement off? Is this a character flaw? Also could you clarify if you were married during these times of procreation? In your situation statistically you are probably going to land men who are much older and less educated than those who don't have children. So essentially you are prone to getting men that are desperate enough and stupid enough who would take another guys crumbs. Of course, at age seventeen you probably didn't take the time to think of these things before you got knocked up. So you want to meet someone and in the back of your mind you are thinking he could also help pad the checkbook a little bit too. Might be hard to do when he's babysitting for someone else's children. Tends to hurt your opportunity for advancement when you have to run out and take the kids for a meeting with the teacher, or an appointment with the doctor for a runny nose. Yeah, leaving things in the capable hands of a new boyfriend or hubby's hands for the afternoon. Not many men want to carry another mans baggage. Not many men want to pay for another man's mistakes. Not many men want to look at the face of another mans kids every day. Not many men want to be treated second best. Take it for what you will. That is my opinion, and I even tried summarized it for brevity. If I wanted a nanny to take the kids to appointments, and watch them while I was at work, I'd hire a mother effing nanny. If I needed finanscial relief I'd move to a smaller house, take a second job, drive a cheaper car, or sue the asshat who helped make those kids for the child support he should be paying. How about you clarify all your character flaws. I've slept with five men in my life at the age of 29. I had three forms of birthcontrol fail. Yay me. So now I'm supposed to accept that my kids are some sort of insult to any guy I date? That' effing bull crap. People like you are why I can't come to these boards very often. Your warped views of reality are not reality. And your unhelpful advice can be kept to yourself. And what did you do at 16 that you'd rather not still be hearing about now? Were you perfect, did you have a great home life. Was your mother dying? Were you afraid to go home most days?
Woggle Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Maybe you are dating from the same pool of men. Some people who have bad luck in dating tend to date from the circle or at least the same kind people.
Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Hey, don't get mad at me. You asked. Would you have rather me coddled you with little kids gloves? Nah, that just isn't honest. I am not the only guy that feels this way. Just thought you should know. Three kids and 40k a year is not really that much. I would imagine you are pretty strapped to be hiring a nanny of any quality. At age sixteen I was banging women wearing a condom. No way I was ruining my future. Glad to hear you are perfect. I pay my own bills and living expenses and have enough left over to have fun and spoil my kids a little. It goes a long way when you live out int he boon docks.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Date a man that has kids already. That way you are both in the same boat. He has to look at kids who are not his, and you have to look at kids that are not yours. You would have a nice big bonus family going on, he would already have experience with kids and know how to handle them. If he has full custody of his kids then he would know some of what you are going through as a single parent. I been reading this thread for a while and something about the OP's attitude is kind of scary though... I wish I could put my finger on it. I can't so I am just going to try and be nice
Author brainygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Date a man that has kids already. That way you are both in the same boat. He has to look at kids who are not his, and you have to look at kids that are not yours. You would have a nice big bonus family going on, he would already have experience with kids and know how to handle them. If he has full custody of his kids then he would know some of what you are going through as a single parent. I been reading this thread for a while and something about the OP's attitude is kind of scary though... I wish I could put my finger on it. I can't so I am just going to try and be nice Great, I'm scary now. The last guy I went out with had a kid. He still didn't want any more than an F-buddy.
Intricategirl Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I accept that this is what some men think of me as a single mom. If so, too bad. Couldn't describe me less. My kids are from the same dad, I was married to him for 12.5 years, I don't need a replacement father, babysitter, or a provider (of house, car, or income). In fact, I don't want it. I own my own home, car, rental property, businesses, etc., and my financial outlook is only going to improve. I'm pretty content with my life, and would like a partner to enjoy it with me. So if my kids are a problem, I would be as well. If they are a dealbreaker, that's alright, just don't waste my time. But if you're jealous (of the time I spend) of 11 and 9 year old kids, wow. Hell, even they know how to share.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hey Brainy, what is your source of men to choose from? is it internet, bars, lounges, supermarket, church, all of the above? Are you actively approaching men and filtering them out as you go to increase your chances, or are you waiting for them to come to you? (the latter will keep you waiting and frustrated for quite a while)
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