brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Here's the thing, I'm a single mom. I have three wonderful little boys. I also am attractive, smart, have a good job, and know how to have a fun time. But it seems like no positive quality I have can make up for the fact that I have little kids. I've seen a guy on and off who basically told me that the only reason we can't get beyond semi-casual lovers is the kids. I know no one is perfect. I don't demand perfection by any means in a man. But I get the feeling that they look at me and all they see is the kids. Responsible, smart, pretty, funny count for nothing. Unless I want to get with an over grown child or burnout that is, they'll be more than willing to tell me how nice I am, move into my home, eat my food, play my video games, sleep in my bed. But not be true partners. Am I the only person who feels that the best thing in their life is also responsible for making them the so very lonely? Is there any way to reconcile myself to casual, compartmentalized relationships for the rest of my life?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I believe that if this guy truly felt a strong connection to you and cared about you, he would have gotten past the kids. It's like he has a great excuse for keeping things casual. Perhaps at your age having 3 kids is not common, but give it a few years and lots of men will also have kids. So you are not doomed for the rest of your life by any means.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I had my first at 17, but I'm not on welfare and never have been. I've tried dating slightly older men and didn't like it. I like current music and video games and zombie movies. Staying in and watching sitcoms or going to the same old boring resturaunt aren't fun for me. Some of the guys rejecting me also have children. I feel like I'm paying for being a good person . . .
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 There are certainly guys who can get over the fact that a woman has children from a previous relationship. I know at least 3 guys that went into a relationship with women that have children from a previous relationship, so I think it's not even that rare.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Where are they? Is there something the women did or didn't do that made the guys ok with the kids? What ages where the kids? Mine are 12, 4, and 6.
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 AAGGHH Brainygirl, You have all the qualities I'd look for in a partner. Why can't I find someone like you. Keep looking, you'll find someone worthy of you.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I guess its good to be appreciated from a distance . . .
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Wait a second...you're rejecting the guys for having the same qualities YOU have? If you like zombie movies, and are a bit immature yourself, why would you want to date someone who is? It seems like you would be more qualified to date the type of man you said in your OP that you'd never date. Please enlighten me, because I can't see how having those qualities are bad? You want someone who's a father to your kids, but don't want someone who relates to them? Okay, good luck with that.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Wait a second...you're rejecting the guys for having the same qualities YOU have? If you like zombie movies, and are a bit immature yourself, why would you want to date someone who is? It seems like you would be more qualified to date the type of man you said in your OP that you'd never date. Please enlighten me, because I can't see how having those qualities are bad? You want someone who's a father to your kids, but don't want someone who relates to them? Okay, good luck with that. I reject burn-outs who are long term unemployed and not attempting to find work or retrain. I reject guys who are in their late 20s and still get blasted drunk three times a week and smoke pot and pop pills when they can get ahold of them. I support myself and three kids, I don't think its much to ask that a guy I end up with do the same for himself. I don't think enjoying goofy movies or X-box makes me horribly immature, not when I also get up at five am and teach special needs kids all day. There is a difference between parenting and being a buddy. My 12 year old has friends his own age. He needs level headed, stable male role models.
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I guess its good to be appreciated from a distance . . . My post was intended to be a compliment. I probably didn't word it as well as I could have, however.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Okay, let's break it down here: I reject burn-outs who are long term unemployed and not attempting to find work or retrain. Fine with that. If you've got three mouths to feed, you need someone to help pay the bills. I reject guys who are in their late 20s and still get blasted drunk three times a week and smoke pot and pop pills when they can get ahold of them. Again, fine with that, too. However, none of this was brought up in your OP. You just said you don't like dating "man children, who play video games a lot and relate to your kids in that way." Nobody wants to date a drug user, especially when you have children. Again, not addressed in your OP. I have no problem with you dating someone who's never done drugs. For the record, I'm 28, and have never done drugs, popped pills, or gotten drunk in my life. But I love video games, enjoy fantasy/scifi movies, and have been called a manchild before. However, I'm responsible, and would never date a single mother at this point in my life, because I'm going to college and can't support her and her kids financially. Not every guy is the same. I support myself and three kids, I don't think its much to ask that a guy I end up with do the same for himself. I don't think enjoying goofy movies or X-box makes me horribly immature, not when I also get up at five am and teach special needs kids all day. Again, not what you said. And you just contradicted yourself. There is a difference between parenting and being a buddy. My 12 year old has friends his own age. He needs level headed, stable male role models.Again, not contradicting this. But that is not what you said. Perhaps you should read over what you write, before you put your foot in your mouth?
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Muse... every thread I've seen you reply to you are confrontational and rude. Aren't you the same guy who claims to be a virgin and can't get/keep a girlfriend. I didn't get any of the things out of the OP that you did. Sheesh.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 "Unless I want to get with an over grown child or burnout that is, they'll be more than willing to tell me how nice I am, move into my home, eat my food, play my video games, sleep in my bed. But not be true partners." As in, if I was willing to allow a grown man to move into my house, eat my food, sleep in my bed, benefit from my income in the form of enteretainment I would have no problems in the mating and dating department. How ever, I and not willing to allow this situation to develop. I said nothing about a guy who relates to my child. Maybe you need to practice a little critical reading before you attack someone's thread. This obviously isn't about you and your prolonged childhood.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 My post was intended to be a compliment. I probably didn't word it as well as I could have, however. I took it that way. I (apparently) tend to stick my foot in my mouth.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Sorry to hear Brainy. Life takes longer to work out for some of us. How has self improvement been going for you? I remember you had some areas you were working on.
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I took it that way. I (apparently) tend to stick my foot in my mouth. Naaa.. Ignore that guy. I'm not sure what his problem is.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Sorry to hear Brainy. Life takes longer to work out for some of us. How has self improvement been going for you? I remember you had some areas you were working on. I don't know. I try to be happy with what I have and where I am. I know I'm blessed, I have three healthy boys, a great job, friends. I'm not a beauty queen and never will be, but I'm not ugly. I stay active and positive even when I want to cry or yell. But I see all these people who have so much less going for them than I do, and they have the one thing I want morning, noon, and night. Love. I'm not trying to insult others, I'm just saying I don't understand what's missing in me. I fall for guys who aren't ever going to be available.
Nexus One Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Where are they? Is there something the women did or didn't do that made the guys ok with the kids? What ages where the kids? Mine are 12, 4, and 6. In two of the 3 cases that I know a mutual friend introduced the man and woman to each other. In both cases that mutual friend was a guy, so I'm guessing that guy(the mutual friend) knew he was introducing (his) friends to each other and knew that they were both single and that they were compatible with each other. Every case involved small children. That's about as much as I know about how they met.
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I wonder if your location is an issue. You need to be in a place where you can meet successful men who are willing to accept kids. The man's age is also a huge factor. The men who would seem to want a serious relationship are freaked out about kids because they see themselves being put in a father role. The man-child's that you've mentioned never even considered being in a parental role so they having no problem messing with you. They know it will never get serious. I don't really know at what age men start thinking it's ok to have a serious relationship with a woman who has children.
Intricategirl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I had my first at 17, but I'm not on welfare and never have been. I've tried dating slightly older men and didn't like it. I like current music and video games and zombie movies. Staying in and watching sitcoms or going to the same old boring resturaunt aren't fun for me. Some of the guys rejecting me also have children. I feel like I'm paying for being a good person . . . lol! I feel like I wrote this. I had one guy that told me he was scared to date a woman with kids. I thought, "it's not like they were locked in the cellar and I suddenly sprang them on you 6 months in. You knew about them since before our first date. And you've got one of your own, so huh?" 'Course, he was scared. It meant he wasn't the end all be all of my life. (And take heart, girl. I'm involved in a zombie club and have met George Romero and Bruce Campbell. Nothing wrong with zombies.)
TouchedByViolet Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I don't know. I try to be happy with what I have and where I am. I know I'm blessed, I have three healthy boys, a great job, friends. I'm not a beauty queen and never will be, but I'm not ugly. I stay active and positive even when I want to cry or yell. But I see all these people who have so much less going for them than I do, and they have the one thing I want morning, noon, and night. Love. I'm not trying to insult others, I'm just saying I don't understand what's missing in me. I fall for guys who aren't ever going to be available. I understand your sentiments. The loneliness can be overwhelming at times, but the key to minimizing the pain is to stay busy. Focus on the areas of life you can control and try your best to not beat yourself up over all the variables that are out of your control. Continual self improvement, whether financial, physical or emotional are all areas we can all work on and keep ourselves busy with. Self improvement will increase your odds of meeting someone of quality who shares your values too.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I am looking at relocating, but its not easy to move away from 40K a year job. Bruce Campbell - now I'm just jealous. I honestly feel like there just must be something wrong with me, how I communicate, how I approach relationships. But I'm so close to the issue I can't see it. Would relocating help? Maybe. But is moving my kids to a larger city worth the disruption to their lives for the off chance I might meet someone?
allenmj Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I am looking at relocating, but its not easy to move away from 40K a year job. Bruce Campbell - now I'm just jealous. I honestly feel like there just must be something wrong with me, how I communicate, how I approach relationships. But I'm so close to the issue I can't see it. Would relocating help? Maybe. But is moving my kids to a larger city worth the disruption to their lives for the off chance I might meet someone? Gah I hate that PM's are disabled for us newbies. I don't think it has anything to do with you, more of a location thing. It seems like where I live there are nothing but party girls, which I am NOT interested in, and several of my single male friends and I all agree, there just aren't very many "eligible" ladies where we are. I imagine the same is occurring for you, but is relocating the answer. That I'm not too sure on.
Author brainygirl Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Gah I hate that PM's are disabled for us newbies. I don't think it has anything to do with you, more of a location thing. It seems like where I live there are nothing but party girls, which I am NOT interested in, and several of my single male friends and I all agree, there just aren't very many "eligible" ladies where we are. I imagine the same is occurring for you, but is relocating the answer. That I'm not too sure on. I'd tell you my email, but three million wckados would be spamming me. PM me when they decide you aren't a threat.
carhill Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Gah I hate that PM's are disabled for us newbies. 7 days and 21 more posts, unless you want to be a supporting member like me and subscribe for money. OP, I'm a bit confused at how one could be lonely with three kids to tend to daily, but I guess one could be missing adult company. Have you thought about something like meetup.com, where you can share common interests with other adults and perhaps grow some personal friendships and relationships from that? Accept that your dating pool will be limited, even with your stellar credentials, due to being a young single mother of three. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is. I dated a number of such women in my 30's, but no joy, with personality mismatches leading the dynamics. Loved their kids though.
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