Troubled Heart Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Wow - never thought I'd find myself back on here looking for advice but here I am again - SINGLE. I am 29 years old. I started dating NB (a coworker) after I broke up with my previous boyfriend who decided to run drugs through the house. Needless to say, I wasn't looking for anything more than a little fun and to get my groove back, a la Stella. NB and I have been dating 1.5 years and it morphed into something more than I thought it could. In the beginning, I felt like he was moving along way too fast (almost like a puppy following along). He said he loved me within two weeks of hanging out. Being the older, more experienced dater, I reminded him that it was too early to be in love and I wasn't even sure he knew what love was. He was always pulling me towards him and I was pushing him away - my walls were built immensely high after being lied to by the drug pusher boyfriend. Anyhow, I started really falling in love with NB and could actually see us working as a long-term married couple. The last few fights we got into (before the big one) was me wanting to know where we stood with regards to long-term. I wasn't looking for him to say "will you marry me" at that moment, but I did want some hope. I wanted him to say "i could see us being married." Huge red flag was thrown up when he couldn't say he even saw a future - I really had no part to play in his life story. NB is 3 years younger and completely unmotivated. Until recently. He decided to study for the LSAT and got a really good score. I knew things were wrong when I would ask about his plans (what schools he was applying to, etc) and it was like pulling teeth. At the last breakfast we had with his parents, they thanked me for helping to motivate him to do something with his life. So now I've helped this guy find direction in his life and it won't include me! The last discussion we had was the breakup. I asked him (again!) if he saw a future with us and he said "I'm not even thinking of getting married right now with you or anyone else." All I heard was "I'm not even thinking of getting married to you right now." That was it. I was done being led on by him. I guess where I feel the most insecure is that how could I have not seen his intentions (or lack of) way sooner and saved myself heartache. Yes, I'm actually crying over a boy who is too immature to commit. I loved him. My family and friends all loved him. I got over the whole age difference a long time ago. We have been broken up for 11 days now. At first I was really angry that he strung me along. Now, I wish he would contact me and explain himself. I wish my life was like a movie where he came rushing to me and declare his love - even if it scares the crap out of him. But I know, life is never like the movies so now I have to move on and find The One.
Rose T Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Hi Troubledheart, so sorry for your pain, I have to say I am three months after you in a similar situation. I've just come out of a 5 year relationship with a guy 4 years younger than me and I'm in my mid-30s. Like you, I felt the shock of being single again and it has been very tough reaching a realisation that this is what it is and I have no future with this man. All I can say to you is learn from this. You're young - 5 years younger than me at any rate lol - and you have plenty of time to love again and find a good guy. Really. But use this time now for healing, not for a mad race to find the One, because you're not in the right place to get into another serious relationship and you may need to reflect on what just happened with your ex. Above all, don't panic. Seriously. You have many fertile years ahead of you, you also have the benefit of experience and this wisdom that you are taking from your recent experience will only make your future happier. Don't regret your relationship, but don't look back. Not all younger guys are the same but this one in particular is not your future. You helped him grow - fine. Your next partner should hopefully be someone who's already grown, who already knows where he's at, who's an equal to you. You can find this and you will probably find it more rewarding in the long run. I repeat, don't panic. Look after yourself. You gave this guy a lot of help and you're clearly a very capable woman - now start working on your own direction in life. You will look back on this and smile when you are with the right person and be glad that it didn't finish in marriage. You have a lot of good adventures ahead. Be strong.
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