to those suffering - a success story

[name witheld]

Like a lot of other people I joined this forum looking for answers after a breakup. Its been a while since I've been on (almost a year) and I'm back to ask for advice but before I do that I want to give by sharing.

 

There's no need to go into every detail of my breakup (lets be honest we all go into too much detail at the time) or whats happened since. If you really want to know have a look at the threads I've started. There's not lots and lots but they show a good pattern of a breakup and hopefully will help some of you out there. I'm also hoping that by talking about the longer lifecycle will help by giving some insight to the future, but don't want to give anybody false hope.

 

I went out with a girl for 3 years and we had a good relationship. We had some ups and downs but overall it was healthy and is something I'm sure neither of us regret. It is after all a significant part of both our lives and considering we lived together for much of it with all the good times it seemed like a potential marriage. Even though there was things that were not right and looking back now the signs were so obvious! I'm a strong believer that if you have the right people you can save a relationship if you spot and correct those signs in time. But this has to happen before the relationship becomes a burden to one (or both) by that time it is too late.

Due to the laws of attraction this is even more so if the woman reaches this point before the man (so guys you have been warned!) and its true that every relationship is different but most breakups have similar patterns. Philosophically speaking, this is because of the laws of attraction are responsible for the breakup not you or the other person.

(If you don't know about laws of attraction go read a book or google it)

 

Anybody that has read my posts will see that I (like most people) did and subsequently broke NC. Well, I never really broke it as such, but I did allow her to break it a couple of times. This was a hard time. Yes there was some comfort to be had but that was not the objective. We had some fun too and some of the best sex of our lives but overall it was not worth the emotional burden. Some questions were answered and this is a main factor for a lot of people breaking it but when the situation was clear I did what 99.999995% of people should do and that simply is nothing. You make it clear that you are going into NC and you make it clear to yourself why. Then you heal. There is no moving on without NC, you cannot win them back or control the situation. All you can do is not make it worse. So without NC there can be no success story.

 

At this point you might be wondering where the success is. Well to show you that I have to tell you that I'm a lucky person. I don't have to fight or struggle for basic needs and have most of the higher needs covered too. (google or read maslow needs heirarchy if you don't know about it)

I have a good job and a good life, but this was also true before this breakup. The problem was, for a lot of the time I struggled to see that and this was caused by some stresses that I just didn't deal with properly. It felt like I wasn't in control of my life and I really didn't like that. Sounds absurd because I had nothing to worry about but in that situation it was difficult to see and my priorities were all so wrong. Generally I wasn't a pleasant person to be around and its no wonder that we broke up.

I thought things were hard before break-up but then things actually did become hard as we all know. Some other unfortunate events happened and this just made those few months even harder. But still it could have been worse and I knew that things would get better.

 

And they did, but not before I learned a lot about myself, about being with women and having the gained strength from dealing with this breakup amongst other nasty things happening to me, friends and family. I may not be happy that these things happened but I'm glad of the person that I became and following that the way my life has shaped since.

After all that is life, things happen and you make the most out of it. Its not what happens but how you behave and react to it that makes you who you are.

 

Now I had started dating during NC (but never cheated during relationship) and not long after met somebody else. It wasn't serious but we dated for a while before I moved to a job overseas. Working overseas opened up cashflow like never before and came with a really good lifestyle, none of which do any harm to your prospects!

I also picked up a new hobby and rediscovered old ones. Opened up some old social circles and met some pretty and interesting women. This is where I must apologise to the girls if it seems to get sexist. I also learned some pick-up skills and with returning confidence had some great times with afore mentioned pretty and interesting women! Can also strongly recommend the GFTOW philosophy but only in a healthy and open way (made the player/user mistake in the past). This is written from a guys point of view mainly for other guys but as I also want girls to benefit too, then I'll not go any further on that subject.

 

 

I did break NC after over a year thanks to a text mishap. Don't remember the exact dates but reading old posts NC started between 14-23 december 2009 and I broke it late december 2010 or early january 2011. The way I dealt with it was just to be pleasant but minimal in my replies to her responses.

Of course there was other times that I wanted to deliberately break NC but after managing to not do that and avoiding close mishaps it was very frustrating to end up doing it.

 

There were times that I missed her but now I look back and it really seems that she is the one that has lost something. She will not get to be with this wonderful 'prize' and if she can't see that then she is definately not worrying about!! The girl I'm with now can certainly see it. I've been

going out with a great girl for over half a year and she just happens to be the hottest girl in the office! We're not rushing anything but life is good.

 

Soon I'm set to come home and start a new business, which I'm sure will succeed thanks to the skills I will adapt from the harder times. Even if it doesn't I'm still young(ish early 30's) and have a lot to look forward to. Plus going by the last 15 months I'm sure there will be plenty of potential love interests to choose from if thats the way I want to go and some tough decisions will have to be made. But hey, at least that luxury exists now.

None of this would have been possible without facing up and coming through the cahllenges. You really only can improve your life when you develop as a person and thats how you do it.

 

So that is the real success story.

Its not what many people want to hear right now, but I only hope that you do hear it and the message reaches you.

Edited March 14, 2011 by name witheld
submitted by mistake half way through

[Ginger Beer]

Bumping for people to read this.

 

That was a good read, thanks mate.

[Trovador]

Good post...

 

Since eventually we all forget about our exes, at least we should get something for all our troubles...

 

That's why I am taking this break up as the catalyst for better, more substantial things in my life...

[name witheld]

Thanks guys.

 

If you are doing better things then thats great.

Remember its all about you, people aren't all that different really but many have different outlooks.

 

As they say in the Muslim world, may peace and happiness be upon you.

[shawn923]

How long were in NC before u just no longer cared about her anymore?

[Layzie89]

Great post man. Its important we remind ourselves of all the benefits that come along with NC other than the one we tend to be most focused on that is reconciliation. I'm nearing 2 months NC and although I do miss my ex, I know that like you, ms. right will come along when I least expect it and by that time I'll have healed enough to actually pursue thanks to NC.

 

Again, great post!