Emilia Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 based on what my exes say good: rational, loyal, funny, entertaining, make an effort in bed to please my man the way he likes it, keep in shape, keep taking up new hobbies and travel to interesting places so can be an interesting person to be with, give the benefit of the doubt (more recent attribute), completely independent and self-sufficient, can be very affectionate and a good friend, recognise the signs of anxiety early bad: - thinking too much - although I have worked on this and much much better now, - when I feel I'm going to get hurt I get angry and can push my man away rather than talk through stuff - again, have been working on this, - get bored very easily and can write people off quickly - sometimes being self-contained emotionally can come across uncaring or insensitive
Disillusioned Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I've seen the things some people suggest breaking up for... and it makes me wonder, do they really feel that they are all that themselves??? If they do, they must either be the top 1% of the population, or deluded. Oh come on now! Who wants a partner who's all mopey and has no self-confidence?
Kamille Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 For once, I actually agree with the OP. I've seen some of the laundry lists that some people here have put up for their potential partners, and I've seen the things some people suggest breaking up for... and it makes me wonder, do they really feel that they are all that themselves??? If they do, they must either be the top 1% of the population, or deluded. I'm guessing the latter. Not everyone is like this by a long shot, but I've seen more than a handful who are. People are generally trigger-happy about advocating break-ups on this board. What I find astounding is that this is usually premissed on two beliefs: 1) "I have a high opinion of myself and would never put up with that kind of treatment", therefore 2)"The OP is deficient for even considering putting up with this". It's extremely condescending and, for being on the receiving end of this type of advice a few times, can be incredibly destabilizing for the OP. I think people here are often too centered on dealbreakers and not centered enough on the fact that relationships are not objects to be purchased whole, they're the results of interactions between two people - they therefore require understanding and compromise. Relationships change and grow over time, as do the people in them.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I think people here are often too centered on dealbreakers and not centered enough on the fact that relationships are not objects to be purchased whole, they're the results of interactions between two people - they therefore require understanding and compromise. Relationships change and grow over time, as do the people in them. I so agree. Maybe that is why there are a lot of people here who are not in a relationship, though they'd like to be. It's pretty difficult to learn how to discern "throwing baby out with bathwater" from accepting the unacceptable (to the individual), for many of us. Back to the topic: Good I bring: Generosity in all ways Very good companionship, challenging, stimulating, great conversation and fun True understanding of give and take Accountability Empathy Providing comfort; always making an effort to do "special" things my partner likes Not so good: Mood swings Tardiness Disorganization Lack of moderation Not shining when under stress
WorldIsYours Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 People are generally trigger-happy about advocating break-ups on this board. What I find astounding is that this is usually premissed on two beliefs: 1) "I have a high opinion of myself and would never put up with that kind of treatment", therefore 2)"The OP is deficient for even considering putting up with this". It's extremely condescending and, for being on the receiving end of this type of advice a few times, can be incredibly destabilizing for the OP. I think people here are often too centered on dealbreakers and not centered enough on the fact that relationships are not objects to be purchased whole, they're the results of interactions between two people - they therefore require understanding and compromise. Relationships change and grow over time, as do the people in them. Relationships are not objects but neither are the people in them.
Kamille Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Relationships are not objects but neither are the people in them. I totally agree. I would therefore say, relationships are not objects and neither are the people in them. Which is why it's important to realize people grow, people learn from each other, people communicate, people can make happy compromises.
threebyfate Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Positive: Hard arse. Negative: Hard arse. Kamille, I agree and disagree. To what degree people will put up with bad behaviour will define their relationship dynamic. The more crap, the more negative the relationship dynamic. On the flipside, if someone's trying hard but not doing it the way you want or need, it's up to the partners to either find a happy medium or understand the other person's language of love. And if they can't or won't, then it might as well be over.
Els Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) People are generally trigger-happy about advocating break-ups on this board. What I find astounding is that this is usually premissed on two beliefs: 1) "I have a high opinion of myself and would never put up with that kind of treatment", therefore 2)"The OP is deficient for even considering putting up with this". It's extremely condescending and, for being on the receiving end of this type of advice a few times, can be incredibly destabilizing for the OP. I think people here are often too centered on dealbreakers and not centered enough on the fact that relationships are not objects to be purchased whole, they're the results of interactions between two people - they therefore require understanding and compromise. Relationships change and grow over time, as do the people in them. I agree, completely, especially with the bolded. People are often made to feel like staying and working through their less-than-perfect relationships or having a less-than-perfect partner makes them a pushover, a desperate person, etc... When the only perfectly ideal relationships and partners exist in fairytales. Also, imposing one's own criteria on other people's relationships and demeaning them for having different criteria is horribly ignorant. I was once told by a poster that she could not believe how women like me could think so little of myself that I would put up with x, y, and z that SHE would not. I later found out said poster has never had a healthy LTR all her life. Why is it that people think their own criteria and requirements are so infallible that they seek to impose it on others despite it not even working for themselves? The chase for perfection may be good for other aspects in life, but not relationships. If the only acceptable flaw in your partner that you wouldn't consider a dealbreaker is 'leaves his socks in the living room' or 'snores loudly', chances are 99.9999999% of the population would be a dealbreaker for you, eventually. Edited March 15, 2011 by Elswyth
Eve Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 So share the good and bad things that a person would have to be dealing with if they were to get involved with you. I bet it will be an eye opener. . Spontaneous. Laugh a lot. Intuitive. Good film knowledge. . I don't like most men. As such I rarely read signals that I am fancied, which is probably for the best really. Take care, Eve x
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I agree, completely, especially with the bolded. People are often made to feel like staying and working through their less-than-perfect relationships or having a less-than-perfect partner makes them a pushover, a desperate person, etc... When the only perfectly ideal relationships and partners exist in fairytales. Also, imposing one's own criteria on other people's relationships and demeaning them for having different criteria is horribly ignorant. I was once told by a poster that she could not believe how women like me could think so little of myself that I would put up with x, y, and z that SHE would not. I later found out said poster has never had a healthy LTR all her life. Why is it that people think their own criteria and requirements are so infallible that they seek to impose it on others despite it not even working for themselves? The chase for perfection may be good for other aspects in life, but not relationships. If the only acceptable flaw in your partner that you wouldn't consider a dealbreaker is 'leaves his socks in the living room' or 'snores loudly', chances are 99.9999999% of the population would be a dealbreaker for you, eventually. I agree, but with some reservations. My advice to anyone is to assess whether the person they're in a relationship with shares their values (whatever they may be) and is someone they genuinely like to be around. If the answer to both of those things is yes then it's worth it to try to work things out. If it's no, well then I think they might have to rethink the relationship.
confused192 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Good: I have a nice body and keep in shape by being very active and eating a healthy diet. I am very quick witted and have a rather inappropriate sense of humor that men tend to favor more than my female friends. I am intelligent and can hold my own in many types of conversations. I am never controlling or get jealous of anyone or anything. I recognize my faults and work to try to fix/manage them as best as I can. Bad: I tend to get stressed easily (work, grad school, etc.) and this can sometimes come across negatively. I also worry a lot about things that I don't really need to worry about which leads to more stress. I am not the best at explaining my feelings and it usually takes some time to be able to articulate them.
Els Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I agree, but with some reservations. My advice to anyone is to assess whether the person they're in a relationship with shares their values (whatever they may be) and is someone they genuinely like to be around. If the answer to both of those things is yes then it's worth it to try to work things out. If it's no, well then I think they might have to rethink the relationship. I agree completely. My own 'litmus test' is somewhat similar to yours, in that I believe that if one is happy most of the time with their SO and the small part of unhappiness doesn't constitute any gross dealbreakers (ie abuse, cheating, etc), then it is worth keeping. Whereas if one has been unhappy for a protracted period of time despite doing all they can on their part to work things out, then it is not. The thing about my scale and yours is that they are subjective, so people can fit their own core values and needs around them. We are not imposing our OWN requirements on people and demeaning them for not sharing them.
Author singlelife Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Interesting. It takes a lot for people to open up and share their shortcomings. But it does provide everyone with what they can do better.
Kamille Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Interesting. It takes a lot for people to open up and share their shortcomings. But it does provide everyone with what they can do better. I notice you haven't shared yours. Might you not also benefit from the exercise?
Ms. Joolie Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 It was said that I bring love and beauty. It was also said that I lack responsibility and self-love. I corrected him and said, not lacking in responsibility, just a little reckless with my freedom.
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