List Here What you Learned from BU and how you are fixing Your Issues

[2011]

Hi

 

Thought it would be a good idea to get everyone to share their thoughts on why they think the BU happened, and you can list both their faults and yours, and how you are going about fixing yours. Well to start off here are mine:

 

Didn't respect her space - Am now, it's 4 months VLC lol

 

Said silly things during break up - haven't mentioned anything about RL or said anything negative or bring up the past anytime i've talked to her since

 

I was weak and not acting like a man - well I can't say i've fixed that totally yet but am working at it, trying not to be to impatient, stand up for myself and get fit and do exercise, have lost tons of weight too

 

Said somethings without thinking that hurt her feelings - well as I said I have not said anything like this since or anything stupid just been nice and caring and thoughtful, which I want to be, but not too nice if you know what I mean?

 

I am by no means anywhere there yet, maybe 30%. I'm not saying this in some vain hope that it is going to get us back together, but to heal, become a better man, and be able to live life independantly and be happy with myself and my achievements, as no one wants to be with you if you are not truly happy with yourself.

 

So how are you getting on?

 

P.S. forgot to mention hers:

 

Not able to express her feelings/talk or stand up for herself, and I don't mean this in a bad way but she admitted it too (but too late) and I get like this and used to be really bad like this myself. You have to understand that you cannot change another person, they have to do that or have ways to deal with their issues. I took this action from her as avoidance of me and I started getting angry, pushy needy and resentful, which pushed her further away.

 

2011

Edited March 14, 2011 by 2011

[liliyah]

Well i think this is a great idea .... Well he broke up with me after a yr together .....he wanted space and couldn't deal with the fact that I had kids which he said he loved ???? ME .. Reacted really bad got upset and begged for another chance how silly but I guess I was hurt ....... HIM I can't live with out you need you in my life I'm hurt can't move on I miss us I'm a rec you are a wonderful person inside and out ... Yep that's his words anyway ....... Its been a week and I know it's nasty but knowing he is sad and a rec is helping me move on......... good luck to everyone this is a very hard time for all of us

[liliyah]

I just wanted to add that how amazing it is that we all come from different parts of the world but we are all going thou the same thing and that we all try to help each other out is great !!!!

[name witheld]

Not being at the mercy of a phone, email or text message waiting to happen.

 

Seeing the situation through cold hard facts and not warm fuzzy logic.

 

Knowing that the choices I made were for the right reasons at the time (even if they were the wrong choices).

 

Walking past her in the street and being the the one on top.

Big smile knowing that she wants me to approach or even acknowledge that I've seen her but I don't need to.

 

Valueing and and applying proper repsect to the important things in life.

 

Relax, its not as bad as you think.

 

Listening to the other person, actually listening and not waiting to answer.

 

 

For her.

Don't know if she has done this but she should.

 

Talk about the things you don't like before its too late and in a non nagging way!

 

Not allowing behaviours to occur that you don't like or feel mistreats you in some way.

 

Go and eat some chicken goddamit!

[Ginger Beer]

I have learned that if I have doubts, end it straight away.

[Trovador]

I learnt not to forget who I really am or what my dreams are because I forgot that when I was with her...

 

I also learnt to (try to) be happy by myself, because I wrongly believed my happiness depended on her...

[agirlhere]

BOTH

- Poor communication when we both swore we were communicating honestly.

- starting a relationship before we healed from a previous one

ME

- Insecurities never dealt with, and carried them forward

- trying to "fix" a person...we cannot fix people

- taking him and the relationship for granted

HIM

- insecurity issues, abandonment issues (I think)

- he always told me i deserved better and he wasnt good enough for me...he convinced himself of that...and i could not change it. he was told for years he was not good enough, and as much as I tried... I could not convince him otherwise (sad)

- believed everything that happened had "a meaning", if something negative happened in the relationship it must mean something negative about our feelings...looked for meanings in everything...when most times...it was just life and being human.

-wanted to be loved for who he was (which i did) however to him that meant, he did not have to try at anything..."this is me" if he was being selfish, inconsiderate, controlling...all those things that most of us would "try" to work on in order to be in a 2 sided relationship...he didnt feel he should have to..."this is me"

 

hmmmmm....seems his list is longer then mine

 

I am learning:

-we are all responsible for our own choices

- it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, no matter how badly one person wants it.

-people will let us down, but we have to be strong enough to pick ourselves up and move forward.

- broken hearts hurt like hell

-losing a relationship has to be grieved...like any loss, if you dont let the grief run its course, it will show up when you least expect it... IT WILL show up.

- its a choice whether I wallow in this or not

- NC is hard and it hurts...but because I went the other route in the past...I KNOW that NC is also alot less painful then going the other route. ALOT LESS PAINFUL....I would rather have NC then to text and get no response, or to hear him sounding happy, or to hear he is dating, or to email him my heart and hear nothing back....been there....its way more painful!!

[soleharmony1123]

What I've learned from b/u:

 

I'm special and deserve to be treated like the gem I am.

 

Most importantly, I have forgiven myself for being used by someone who didn't deserve me in the first place.

 

I've learned that I'm the most important person in the world to ME (the greatest love of all) - cheesy but TRUE.

 

"When people show you who they are, believe them." This advice is pure gold.

 

I don't have to be in a relationship in order to be happy.(always knew this, but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the fact)

 

A man is just a man. Nothing more; nothing less.

 

Do not ever allow him to press the "reset" button. There are no do-overs.

 

Never let your guard down.

 

Forgiveness is necessary in order to move on & heal properly.

 

Game over.

 

LS'ers, it's after 9pm here, and I'm a bit tired & sleepy; so, if this doesn't make much sense, I apologize.

Edited March 19, 2011 by soleharmony1123

[marqueemoon4]

what I've learned

 

i love you but i'm not in love with you = I met someone else

crying/pleading/begging never works

always go NC immediately when gf/wife leaves

not letting someone bait you into getting angry/upset

if someone ignores you, ignore them back

don't try to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you

the sooner you accept the situation the better off you'll be

the one who doesn't care/cares less has the power

when someone tells you its over believe them

[PelicanPete]

My ex girlfriends behavior has taught me a lot of valuable lessons that I felt I already understood before, but now hold a much deeper understanding after experiencing it first hand.

 

- Have a strong sense of who you are before entering a relationship. Without it your relationship is a time bomb.

 

- Respect your partner more than you love them. Love isn't always respectful.

 

- A break up shows a persons true colours

 

- You only know as much about the person as what they show you, and even then it might not be true.

 

- You'll never recover if you see yourself as a victim.

 

-Thought determines action. If they are bugging you about not wanting you to leave them, chances are they have been thinking about leaving you. etc.

 

-Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

As for my mistakes, I didn't pay enough attention to her near the end of our relationship and took her for granted. She already had another guy lined up regardless.

 

-Become comfortable in a relationship, but never too comfortable.

[i made a mess]

My faults:

- Not opening up and talking about my feelings

- carrying insecurities about past relationship forward into this one

- worrying about going out and "living it up" when I could have been having the time of my life with him.

- being in control all of the time for fear of what was not in my control.

 

His faults:

- not really listening when I told him I thought we should slow down because I didn't think he was taking the time to get to know me and my little details that turned out to be the big details.

- not manning up enough to tell me to cut the sh*t with running away when I got freaked out and that he wasn't going anywhere

 

What am I doing to work on myself now that it's over?

- I see a therapist to learn to let my guard down and not be so scared to let people in.

- I enjoy life as it comes to me, how it comes and don't try to be in control all of the time.

- I'm learning that it's ok to rely on someone other than myself all of the time.

- I've learned to say no without feeling guilty (it was hard for me to say no to going out with friends for fear that they'd stop talking to me or inviting me and in turn neglected my relationship that I had a fear of ruining if I didn't spend time with him and then I wouldn't have friends to go to once he dumped me...god I was a basket case during that time).

- I'm just doing the best I can with the knowledge I've gained from the breakup to be a better person.