SingVoice Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 This actually happened to my friend...but after we talked about it I thought I would bring it here to get some more insight and see what the consensus is. So she has been dating this guy for 5 months...they are both 30. (Neither have been married or have kids). They have met each others friends and families...are in a committed relationship...etc. He is getting ready to change careers...and she noticed that whenever he talks about the future...he never mentions her. (She has in the past kind of teased him about this) Last night they were talking on the phone and he was going on and on about traveling for work or moving or whatever. Very playfully she says "how come when you talk about the future it only involves you?" His response: "Babe we just met." (And according to her he said this seriously...not playfully.) Uhhhhh......what? My opinion is that...regardless of the ACTUAL outcome...if you aren't dating someone with the idea that you might have a future together...then why bother? I mean...they are 30....not 15. She is obviously really hurt by this...and ended the phone conversation. Now she isn't sure how to proceed. She knows that they haven't been together THAT long...but she is in love with him (they haven't said it yet) so now she is confused. Any thoughts? Reactions? Insights??
Lilmisus Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Five months isn't that long at all. Even if you're thirty and you are in love (but haven't said it yet). Now, if they were together for say, a year and he said this remark, then I would say "red flag!" and would say that she had every right to be hurt, but come on, it's five months, not a big deal at all. Honestly, if I had been dating someone for that amount of time and they were already saying "We can move to Alaska and start our own tv show there" or something along those lines, then I would start freaking out and wondering why they were this serious so soon. Just because he isn't writing down plans for them, doesn't mean that he doesn't see a future with her, it just means that he's being realistic and not rushing a relationship that doesn't need to be rushed. If in a couple months his plans start becoming actions, like he does move, or he does start traveling for work and they're still together and going strong, she should start asking where she fits in in his plans. Does he want her to travel with him? Do they want a long distance relationship? How would they feel about the idea of her moving to live there with him after a while? But right now, it's all talk he's doing and they've been dating for too short of an amount of time for him to actively include her like that. Tell your friend to chill out and know that he cares about her enough to want to be with her now, and not worry too much about the future and worry more about when or if they'll tell each other "I love you."
MissGoLightly Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Yes, it has only been 5 months. Completely agree with Lilmisus: If in a couple months his plans start becoming actions, like he does move, or he does start traveling for work and they're still together and going strong, she should start asking where she fits in in his plans. Does he want her to travel with him? Do they want a long distance relationship? How would they feel about the idea of her moving to live there with him after a while? But right now, it's all talk he's doing and they've been dating for too short of an amount of time for him to actively include her like that. Tell your friend to chill out and know that he cares about her enough to want to be with her now, and not worry too much about the future and worry more about when or if they'll tell each other "I love you." And, by the way, I think the guy was right to seriously respond to his gf's "teasing" tone of voice, because she was obviously serious and not kidding around, despite how she was trying to come across to him.
OliveOyl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I am of the opposite opinion. I think five months IS long enough to know whether the relationship is heading somewhere serious or not. If they have only been dating very casually in those 5 months (like once a week or less) then that's one thing. But otherwise, I would not say 5 months is "just met" at all. I knew within 2 months (actually within a few weeks, probably) that my stbx was someone I wanted to marry. We did wait year and a half later to marry, so we didn't rush things, but I definitely knew within a very short period of time.
Imajerk17 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) I am of the opposite opinion. I think five months IS long enough to know whether the relationship is heading somewhere serious or not. If they have only been dating very casually in those 5 months (like once a week or less) then that's one thing. But otherwise, I would not say 5 months is "just met" at all. I knew within 2 months (actually within a few weeks, probably) that my stbx was someone I wanted to marry. We did wait year and a half later to marry, so we didn't rush things, but I definitely knew within a very short period of time. Not to sound like a *ahem* jerk, but how did that marriage work out? Maybe you didn't really know after all. EDIT: I'm not knocking you. You seem cool on here, but a lot of people think they know after such a short time, but they don't. Marriage is tough. And they are paying for the mistakes of a divorce years down the road (alimony and whatnot). Also, dating is hard enough as is, nevermind after divorce where there are kids involved. Edited March 15, 2011 by Imajerk17
OliveOyl Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Not to sound like a *ahem* jerk, but how did that marriage work out? Maybe you didn't really know after all. EDIT: I'm not knocking you. You seem cool on here, but a lot of people think they know after such a short time, but they don't. Marriage is tough. And they are paying for the mistakes of a divorce years down the road (alimony and whatnot). Also, dating is hard enough as is, nevermind after divorce where there are kids involved. Well besides the fact that we didn't rush into getting married, the marriage was good for about ten years. It went downhill (for a variety of reasons) after that. I have absolutely no regrets about marrying him... none. I married the "right one." I just think people change, and we both changed, to the point where we were no longer the right ones for each other. Can someone really say they married the "wrong person," if the reason the marriage ends is because both people changed a lot after several years?
Imajerk17 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Well besides the fact that we didn't rush into getting married, the marriage was good for about ten years. It went downhill (for a variety of reasons) after that. I have absolutely no regrets about marrying him... none. I married the "right one." I just think people change, and we both changed, to the point where we were no longer the right ones for each other. Can someone really say they married the "wrong person," if the reason the marriage ends is because both people changed a lot after several years? That makes perfect sense. People do change, and there are no guarantees in life.
Author SingVoice Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 How much credit do you want us to give to a person who HAS feelings for somebody but who won't even express her own feelings? (and she gets mad at him for his basically telling it like it is) And the implication that 30yo's can't have an arrangement just for boffing is outdated. The woman needs to express her true feelings, and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise she is just as bad as you are trying to imply that he is. I mean, if you can't have honesty flowing through a so-called relationship, why have a relationship? (er, wait, "... then why bother?") Based on what she's told me....it's not just "boffing". They are in a relationship...and she has made it clear that she is looking to settle down. (He has said the same thing to her...) I think she was getting ready to tell him she loved him...its not like she was "holding the feelings in" or anything...she just wanted to kind of...sit with the feelings for a couple weeks. (Thats how she explained to me...lol) I agree with most everyone that it has only been 5 months...but I think the words just stung her...ya know? She doesn't treat the relationship like "they just met" and sort of expects the same. And I also told her that she probably should have talked to him about it instead of just making a joke of it. I think she kind of feels confused because SHE doesn't feel like "they just met."
xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 In my opinion, 5 months is sufficient time to assess seriousness. It doesn't even have to be marriage, but that kind of time frame is already good for planning trips together or getting an apartment together. What I see as the problem is here that your friend's bf is too straightforward for his own good. He could have literally blurted that out without taking into considerations of her feeling. If he had put it in a sensitive way such as " I think we have enough time in the future to plan things together", I doubt she would get so upset.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 While 5 months is plenty of time to asses seriousness...if she hasn't made her feelings known to him by saying ILY ... he may conclude she is not serious. I see a YELLOW flag for both of them. They need to have a frank and honest discussion of what they feel where they are going etc. Only after "the talk" will a commitment be real. Comitments cannt be implied by actions...both parties have to have the fortitude and bravery to vocalize what they really feel. (I say that even as I can't say the same when I need to)
Eeyore79 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think five months is sufficient time to know if a relationship is potentially going somewhere. After five months I'd expect someone to at least have an idea of whether or not they saw me in their future, especially if we'd been spending a lot of time together, had met each other's families, had sex, etc. I can understand how young people in their teens and early twenties might need more than five months, but we're talking about adults in their thirties who should have a pretty good idea of what they want by now. I know that 30yos can potentially have an arrangement for "boffing" as you put it, but I would never be interested in that, so it's perfectly possible that the lady in question isn't interested either. The OP said she was looking to settle down and had made this clear to the guy, so for him to treat the relationship like a "boffing" arrangement (thereby using her for sex and wasting her time) would just be dishonest. I think it's absolutely right to be concerned if you've given someone half a year of your life, been intimate with them, potentially fallen in love with them, and they still don't even know if they want to be with you. I've been in that situation before, and although I cared about him, I cut my losses after six months because I was wasting my time investing in a relationship with someone who wasn't even sure he wanted to be with me.
EasyHeart Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Five months is long enough to know if things are NOT going to work out, but it's not nearly enough time to know if you'd be willing to move for someone or otherwise direct your whole life around them.
yessy21 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think she should wait a few months. just have a little fun with the relationship... after a couple of months i think she should ask him if he sees a future and then depending on what he says she can make a decision.
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