lizzie100 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi I've been with H for 20 years and M for 14, 2 children. Every so often I become suspicious that he is having either EA or PA. I am not sure if I should be concerned or if perhaps this is my problem. I would value any advice on whether anyone else would be worried in this situation and if so what would you do. Or if I just need to get a grip of myself and stop potentially ruining my M. Backgroud other than when we first met and he two timed me for several months (quite well actually, she was some distance away and he managed to visit her every weekend, telling me another story- which I wont go into- and I fell for it) I have never suspected anything until about 3 years age. We were going through a bad time and he virtually ignored me, only spoke to me when neccessary and began drinking most nights. I honestly didnt have a clue what was wrong and as a last resort in the middle of one fight I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He immediately got upset said no, dont be so stupid and we made up almost immediatley. I also told him I coudnt go on like this and said if you are not going to talk to me we may as well get divorced. At the time I was so relieved that we had made up that I assumed the fight and what was said had just brought him to his senses. Everything settled down but over last 6-12 months the thoughts that he may not be faithful have come back to me. I have nothing firm to go on, he doesnt stay away or come home late, he doesnt seem to use computer but he does always keep his mobile on him and also regularly deletes text and call history. I am aware of one woman from work that he texts occassionally (as far as I can tell), she has also taken up one of his hobbies but it is always in the company of others. when I jokingly said you better watch yourself with her he got annoyed and said what do you think I am , Do you think I'm like that? I felt guilty for bringing it up and a little pathetic really. I check his phone when I can and recently noticed a text to her which simply said '?', She then phoned him- I was out at the time. His phone is not on contract so I cant check bills, only call history if its not been deleted. Thats about all I have to go on other than some off-the-cuff comment from a male acquaintance to a family member some years ago that 'H is not a saint' (conversation was about infidelity). I told him thsi and again he was very angry and quite upset that anyone would say it. I agree it could have just been a spiteful comment as the person concerned is not a pleasant person. What do people think, is it possible that I am reading too much into a few small things over several years?
ReturnToSender Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Personally, after being dumped 3 times, divorced once, having all those relationships end because he was cheating and then left to be with the other women, I would have to say I firmly believe in the little suspicions. In every relationship, I felt it...and Im not too good at keeping things to myself, so pretty much immediately I was *always* like..hrm...is everything okay? Something feels off but I dont knwo what...are you okay? are we okay? And they all blew smoke up my butt. Even when it was little things coming up that werent quite right, I glazed over it one cause I really believed in that moment there was no way hed cheat on me, and because I really figured..what are the odds this one is doing this to me too? Well, the odds were high, and every single off moment, and sneaking suspicion was because of what my man was trying to hide from me. Never again will I ever let a suspicion slide again. Even gut feelings are there for a reason. So yup, if i were in your shoes, I would defininitely not let him feel like Im being stupid or out of hand for bringing up what is a legitimate worry and concern.
Author lizzie100 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks for reply, it definately made me feel less stupid about thinking the worst. I guess I need to do some serious thinking about how to get to the truth without making everything worse if I do happen to be wrong....heck I still feel so mixed up.....
bloppy Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I wish I had been more suspicious! I once saw the OW's name on my H's phone & I thought "oh he just works with her". Stupid me. He always has people from work calling so I really didn't think anything of it. When I think back now there were signs everywhere & I just didn't see them or didn't want to. I really hope you are wrong. I would hate for anybody to go through what I have and still am going through.
WorldIsYours Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi I've been with H for 20 years and M for 14, 2 children. Every so often I become suspicious that he is having either EA or PA. I am not sure if I should be concerned or if perhaps this is my problem. I would value any advice on whether anyone else would be worried in this situation and if so what would you do. Or if I just need to get a grip of myself and stop potentially ruining my M. Backgroud other than when we first met and he two timed me for several months (quite well actually, she was some distance away and he managed to visit her every weekend, telling me another story- which I wont go into- and I fell for it) I have never suspected anything until about 3 years age. We were going through a bad time and he virtually ignored me, only spoke to me when neccessary and began drinking most nights. I honestly didnt have a clue what was wrong and as a last resort in the middle of one fight I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He immediately got upset said no, dont be so stupid and we made up almost immediatley. I also told him I coudnt go on like this and said if you are not going to talk to me we may as well get divorced. At the time I was so relieved that we had made up that I assumed the fight and what was said had just brought him to his senses. Everything settled down but over last 6-12 months the thoughts that he may not be faithful have come back to me. I have nothing firm to go on, he doesnt stay away or come home late, he doesnt seem to use computer but he does always keep his mobile on him and also regularly deletes text and call history. I am aware of one woman from work that he texts occassionally (as far as I can tell), she has also taken up one of his hobbies but it is always in the company of others. when I jokingly said you better watch yourself with her he got annoyed and said what do you think I am , Do you think I'm like that? I felt guilty for bringing it up and a little pathetic really. I check his phone when I can and recently noticed a text to her which simply said '?', She then phoned him- I was out at the time. His phone is not on contract so I cant check bills, only call history if its not been deleted. Thats about all I have to go on other than some off-the-cuff comment from a male acquaintance to a family member some years ago that 'H is not a saint' (conversation was about infidelity). I told him thsi and again he was very angry and quite upset that anyone would say it. I agree it could have just been a spiteful comment as the person concerned is not a pleasant person. What do people think, is it possible that I am reading too much into a few small things over several years? He's been cheating. Don't tolerate it and don't let him gaslight you.
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