WorldIsYours Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 How is he able to contact you by email if you guys are supposedly in NC?
Author TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 How is he able to contact you by email if you guys are supposedly in NC? Well its a work email, we work for different gov't departments, but still same level of gov't.
Author TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I am just trying to get my head around it. I was fine with no longer having a sexual relatoinship for years. NO SEX, which was hard as hell but I did it. But to have no contact at all from him. It's like murder. I feel like a kid that was playing with it's favorite toy that no one wanted and then someone came and snatched it out of my hand. My favorite toy is gone and I have no clue what to do. How to cope. It's all I know in a sense . I just always wanted him to be in my life at least even though we were no longer together. Just to have my friend by my side. I just want my friend back . I understand Emme, but honestly, that's the risk that comes with going further with a friend. Sorry to say it like that, but its the truth. At first (before ALL the lies were discovered), I wanted xMM back in my life as my friend and email buddy, and coffee break buddy, and lunch buddy ... yeah the list goes on... but its hard to be friends with someone when there is that kind of past between you 2. Its easy to slip back into it, and even if that didn't happen, if 1 person had "those more than friends" feelings for the other, it would just be awkward. I think you need to make peace with the fact that for now, you can't be friends - but that maybe in time, (a lot of time) when there are no feelings left, maybe you can be friends. I understand that feeling of loss and its really difficult, but you need to push through if you really want to make it out of the A. ***HUGS***
Happy Finally Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I understand Emme, but honestly, that's the risk that comes with going further with a friend. Sorry to say it like that, but its the truth. At first (before ALL the lies were discovered), I wanted xMM back in my life as my friend and email buddy, and coffee break buddy, and lunch buddy ... yeah the list goes on... but its hard to be friends with someone when there is that kind of past between you 2. Its easy to slip back into it, and even if that didn't happen, if 1 person had "those more than friends" feelings for the other, it would just be awkward. I think you need to make peace with the fact that for now, you can't be friends - but that maybe in time, (a lot of time) when there are no feelings left, maybe you can be friends. I understand that feeling of loss and its really difficult, but you need to push through if you really want to make it out of the A. ***HUGS*** Isn't the highlighted part the truth. I am the on wanting to be friends now, even after I said it's a bad idea. She said her marriage is a priority and I need to make mine. But our situations were little different and I had no love coming from my wife...so it is harder to let my feelings go. I'm glad it can be overcome....thanks again for sharing TC.
Author TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Isn't the highlighted part the truth. Oh totally, I wanted to do everything with that guy, as a "friend" or anything else - it really is a big loss to grieve (even when you realize that they've been acting for so long) - I still fell in love with who he was trying to be, who I wanted to see in him. It was still a very real loss. I am the on wanting to be friends now, even after I said it's a bad idea. She said her marriage is a priority and I need to make mine. But our situations were little different and I had no love coming from my wife...so it is harder to let my feelings go. Are you still with your wife? If so, does she know of the A? Even if she didn't, would you do therapy with her and try to reconnect? Honestly, is xMOW is asking for time to fix her M, you should respect that, as hard as it is. Man, these things get so complicated and so intense and so hurtful all around I'm glad it can be overcome....thanks again for sharing TC. No Problem HF, glad I can help
East7 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 At first (before ALL the lies were discovered), I wanted xMM back in my life as my friend and email buddy, and coffee break buddy, and lunch buddy ... yeah the list goes on... but its hard to be friends with someone when there is that kind of past between you 2. Its easy to slip back into it, and even if that didn't happen, if 1 person had "those more than friends" feelings for the other, it would just be awkward. I think you need to make peace with the fact that for now, you can't be friends - but that maybe in time, (a lot of time) when there are no feelings left, maybe you can be friends. I understand that feeling of loss and its really difficult, but you need to push through if you really want to make it out of the A. ***HUGS*** I agree that what makes it even harder to moving on from an A is that often AP are also excellent friends becasue there is amazing connection and intimacy. Once it is over we always miss it. But staying friends is definitely an illusion, it is just impossible. There is too much hurt left, too much painful memories that each-time you meet or have a contact with AP you will think about the heartbreak. There is no other option than a neat cut off to move on.
Emme Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I understand Emme, but honestly, that's the risk that comes with going further with a friend. Sorry to say it like that, but its the truth. At first (before ALL the lies were discovered), I wanted xMM back in my life as my friend and email buddy, and coffee break buddy, and lunch buddy ... yeah the list goes on... but its hard to be friends with someone when there is that kind of past between you 2. Its easy to slip back into it, and even if that didn't happen, if 1 person had "those more than friends" feelings for the other, it would just be awkward. I think you need to make peace with the fact that for now, you can't be friends - but that maybe in time, (a lot of time) when there are no feelings left, maybe you can be friends. I understand that feeling of loss and its really difficult, but you need to push through if you really want to make it out of the A. ***HUGS*** I'm trying but I can't . He is my friend and I should have never crossed the line, the both of us. But we always found comfort in each other. He was my friend first, my friend and f*ck buddy/lover second, my friend and a MM/lover third. He was always a friend first to me for no matter what. Times changed, our lives changed and we just never changed along with it. Fairytale is over and we are awaken I guess. I just want him back in my life. I hope one day he will make contact again sooner rather than later. Just to talk. I don't think those feelings will ever go away because I love him. Always have and always will no matter what, the good out weights the bad. Time needs to hurry the hell up, I can't take this.
Author TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I agree that what makes it even harder to moving on from an A is that often AP are also excellent friends becasue there is amazing connection and intimacy. Once it is over we always miss it. But staying friends is definitely an illusion, it is just impossible. There is too much hurt left, too much painful memories that each-time you meet or have a contact with AP you will think about the heartbreak. There is no other option than a neat cut off to move on. So true and it makes it even sadder. Not only do we lose someone we loved as a "lover", but also someone we loved as a friend. And in my case, I lost an awesome music hook up (xMM used to make awesome CDs for me - we had the same taste in music) - DAMN!!! I sure miss having good music to listen to on the way to work
Author TigerCub Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I'm trying but I can't . He is my friend and I should have never crossed the line, the both of us. But we always found comfort in each other. He was my friend first, my friend and f*ck buddy/lover second, my friend and a MM/lover third. He was always a friend first to me for no matter what. Times changed, our lives changed and we just never changed along with it. Fairytale is over and we are awaken I guess. I just want him back in my life. I hope one day he will make contact again sooner rather than later. Just to talk. I don't think those feelings will ever go away because I love him. Always have and always will no matter what, the good out weights the bad. Time needs to hurry the hell up, I can't take this. Sweetie, I can't tell you what to do and what is best for you. I just believe (from my own experience) that its just a fact of life that once friends become lovers - that's complicated as it is If they become lovers in an A situation - that's even worse. But I can't speak for every friendship out there. I hope, that one day, you and your xMM can be friends for real again, but honestly, I just think you need to tell yourself that it wont happen now - not until you both heal - then maybe it can happen. But that's just what I think - I would like for you to heal. Holding onto him and hopes that you can be in each other's lives so soon might actually be holding you back Hugs
WorldIsYours Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Sweetie, I can't tell you what to do and what is best for you. I just believe (from my own experience) that its just a fact of life that once friends become lovers - that's complicated as it is If they become lovers in an A situation - that's even worse. But I can't speak for every friendship out there. I hope, that one day, you and your xMM can be friends for real again, but honestly, I just think you need to tell yourself that it wont happen now - not until you both heal - then maybe it can happen. But that's just what I think - I would like for you to heal. Holding onto him and hopes that you can be in each other's lives so soon might actually be holding you back Hugs Associating with a married cheater isn't being friends with them.
Happy Finally Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Associating with a married cheater isn't being friends with them. World, All I ever read from you are attacks against people who followed their heart. Who are you to judge whether it is right or wrong. I take it by your avatar that you are a religious person and with that a Christian.
fooled once Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hey Everyone Just wanted to give a very happy update: I finally made it out of the fire - completely and wholeheartedly. I know that I'm sooooooooooo past it and so done. My bday was on Sunday. Saturday I went out with my bf and a bunch of friends to celebrate. Yesterday I spent the day with my bf and it was fantastic. Today.... (wait for it)... I get an email from xMM wishing me a happy belated bday. and wishing that all is well with me. We haven't talked since I sent him my final letter in Dec. AND when we've ran into each other in my building @ work, I've totally just walked past him like he was no one. And today I get this email... PULLLLEEEAAAAZE! I deleted it and I honestly felt nothing - ok, well I felt surprised at first when I saw his name in my inbox, but other than that, nothing. And that's how I know that I'm sooooo over it, I haven't had romantic feelings or romantic thoughts of him in soooooo long, and now after seeing his email and knowing that I can just delete it and not care to talk to him, I just know I made it out completely and its an awesome feeling This post is NOT to make anyone in an A feel bad. I've never judged (I was there too) but I also hope that those trying NC because they felt the A was destructive to them - I just hope that my post inspires you and shows you that it can be done - there will come a time, when you're out of the fire too WOO HOO!! Way to go Tiger!! I am so glad you have moved forward. GOOD FOR YOU!! :bunny: ps Hope you had a great birthday!
Happy Finally Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) Associating with a married cheater isn't being friends with them. World, All I ever read from you are attacks against people who followed their heart. I never in a million years thought I would end up in A. And one with a MW for that matter. And this MW is not a bad person either. She, as I, have found that our marriages have gone wrong and we both were looking for something to fill that void. We found it for a brief moment, we fulfilled our desires (and most of us in this situation are not just looking for sex...some yes but most of us no). We have to live with that not you. And I for one don't judge another when they have found their love...whether it be with a MM or MW or a single. The world works in mysterious ways and it is not bound by one rule...the rules you follow. It is bound by nature and nature has many avenues. P.S. sorry for the double post...sensitive lap top touch pad. Edited March 16, 2011 by Happy Finally
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 WOO HOO!! Way to go Tiger!! I am so glad you have moved forward. GOOD FOR YOU!! :bunny: ps Hope you had a great birthday! Thanks Fooled I can always count on you for support/encouragement And yes, my birthday was fantastic!! - thanks
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) World, All I ever read from you are attacks against people who followed their heart. I never in a million years thought I would end up in A. And one with a MW for that matter. And this MW is not a bad person either. She, as I, have found that our marriages have gone wrong and we both were looking for something to fill that void. We found it for a brief moment, we fulfilled our desires (and most of us in this situation are not just looking for sex...some yes but most of us no). We have to live with that not you. And I for one don't judge another when they have found their love...whether it be with a MM or MW or a single. The world works in mysterious ways and it is not bound by one rule...the rules you follow. It is bound by nature and nature has many avenues. P.S. sorry for the double post...sensitive lap top touch pad. Oh Happy, don't even bother telling him those things. he wrote in this post first asking "Well if there was NC, OMG, how on earth did he email you? :eek::eek:" in an attempt to get me to say, well I never blocked him, we still pine for each other - OMG, I let it slip that the A has still been going on And then when I explained that its a work email - we both work for the same gov't (ie. I can't block him - I can only delete his emails), he found some other post to make a useless remark to.. whatever, don't bother with people like that, they just want to stir the **** and make their judgments in their condescending ways... ... but that's just my take on it Edited March 16, 2011 by TigerCub
greengoddess Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Oh Happy, don't even bother telling him those things. he wrote in this post first asking "Well if there was NC, OMG, how on earth did he email you? :eek::eek:" in an attempt to get me to say, well I never blocked him, we still pine for each other - OMG, I let it slip that the A has still been going on And then when I explained that its a work email - we both work for the same gov't (ie. I can't block him - I can only delete his emails), he found some other post to make a useless remark to.. whatever, don't bother with people like that, they just want to stir the **** and make their judgments in their condescending ways... ... but that's just my take on it Tigercub what si wrong with that. His question of how did he email you actually got you to tell the truth that the affair is still going on. How do you get support if you can't be honest on an annonymous forum? What is wrong with probing to pull out the real truth of a situation? (said in a nice, honest, sincere way, no cockiness whatsoever:D)
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Tigercub what si wrong with that. His question of how did he email you actually got you to tell the truth that the affair is still going on. How do you get support if you can't be honest on an annonymous forum? What is wrong with probing to pull out the real truth of a situation? (said in a nice, honest, sincere way, no cockiness whatsoever:D) I realize that people can't tell sarcasm from posts, but really? You actually believed that what I said jokingly is true? Really? No GG, that was sarcasm. The affair is certainly NOT going on. oyi....I don't even know what else to say to that (said in a nice, sincere, yet slightly baffled way)
Jane Deaux Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 His question of how did he email you actually got you to tell the truth that the affair is still going on. I may be confused about no contact here. Not that I agree that she admitted there was still an affair going on, because I clearly read where she said she deleted the email without reading it with no compunctions. But here is where I'm confused. Is no contact not simply referring to not speaking or responding? It is both ways? I have to block them from even being able to get in touch with me and not just having no response, as in not contacting them back? Or can you just make up your mind that you are done and then not respond back to any of their attempts?
greengoddess Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I realize that people can't tell sarcasm from posts, but really? You actually believed that what I said jokingly is true? Really? No GG, that was sarcasm. The affair is certainly NOT going on. oyi....I don't even know what else to say to that (said in a nice, sincere, yet slightly baffled way) :laugh: okay I missed something somewhere in my quick skimming reading while working.
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 I may be confused about no contact here. Not that I agree that she admitted there was still an affair going on, because I clearly read where she said she deleted the email without reading it with no compunctions. But here is where I'm confused. Is no contact not simply referring to not speaking or responding? It is both ways? I have to block them from even being able to get in touch with me and not just having no response, as in not contacting them back? Or can you just make up your mind that you are done and then not respond back to any of their attempts? I think of no contact as the choice a person makes - ex. not responding, not initiating, etc.... some people here advise that when going NC to block them out completely, block emails, delete number, everything so as not to get tempted to initiate or reply. However, in my case, although I deleted him number (at first to avoid any moments of weakness that may ever arise), I couldn't block a work email - so I just deleted it. I personally think its a choice, at first its probably best to take the extra measures to ensure that you don't contact during a moment of weakness, but I do believe that NC can be fully carried out without those measures as well - its all about knowing why you're done and sticking to it.
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 :laugh: okay I missed something somewhere in my quick skimming reading while working. There's your problem - you need to stop working ooh speaking of which - I should actually get some work done
Jane Deaux Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think of no contact as the choice a person makes - ex. not responding, not initiating, etc.... some people here advise that when going NC to block them out completely, block emails, delete number, everything so as not to get tempted to initiate or reply. However, in my case, although I deleted him number (at first to avoid any moments of weakness that may ever arise), I couldn't block a work email - so I just deleted it. I personally think its a choice, at first its probably best to take the extra measures to ensure that you don't contact during a moment of weakness, but I do believe that NC can be fully carried out without those measures as well - its all about knowing why you're done and sticking to it. Thank you. That helps. Your answer makes it clear that it's all in how you perceive it, so long as you do not contact them. I think that would make it easier for some, not having to follow some kind of set in stone rule. Like if they had decided to do something but were afraid that if they didn't do it one specific way then they would be considered failing. But if they can set a few rules themselves and still be successful then that would be much easier to start the process in the first place.
East7 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I think of no contact as the choice a person makes - ex. not responding, not initiating, etc.... some people here advise that when going NC to block them out completely, block emails, delete number, everything so as not to get tempted to initiate or reply. If I want NC I just ignore, I don't usually block. I never liked to block someone for the rest of my life (unless that person committed a crime or smth like that lol ). I still have a few exes sending me Bday wishes (once a year is not keeping contact) and I answer just a short "Thank you". I mean we can still be civilized and nice to someone who was once part of our life. Anyway it is a personal choice, if you don't want to have anything to do with that person again, or that person is harassing you, than blocking makes sense. I believe in personality strength: NC must be a personal choice no matter how many e-mails, numbers etc you have. You can just delete numbers and e-mails as useless. Blocking a person that has no intention to bother you, for me is sticking the head in the sand, it means that you are afraid of your weakness and your reaction.
lovingwhatis Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Tiger, I am going to respond to you on here, since this is the proper thread. I am sorry to have angered you with my response. Clearly different people find different things helpful. I am glad that you found some peace through therapy and are doing well.
Author TigerCub Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Thank you. That helps. Your answer makes it clear that it's all in how you perceive it, so long as you do not contact them. I think that would make it easier for some, not having to follow some kind of set in stone rule. There are no Rules Because of there were, who makes these rules? How do they apply to everyone? Its all about your own capabilities, knowing yourself, knowing your reasons, doing what's in your best interest. Knowing your own weaknesses and how to avoid certain situations, and at best, how to handle those situations if not properly avoided. Only we know our true accomplishments or failures - its what we see in our selves, its the changes, or missteps we know our lives have taken. And you know what, even if you do "fail", its not the end of the world - I learned that through this whole process. Many failed NC attempts and all, but finally it stuck, and there is nothing wrong with "failing" in that regard as long as you keep trying to do what's best for you.
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