clarerb Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi all. OK so the short story is my partner of 5 years cheated on me for 6 weeks and im 6 months pregnant. I found out, they both said it had already ended and they never did more then kiss and meet up in pubs et (a total of 5 times). He met her at work as he works at a uni and she is a student. I believe its over and i believe hes sorry and does seem disgusted with himself as are his famil. His friends are a different matter as he seems to feel he needs to impress them and they are impressed by this kind of behavior. Anyway I let him back home 2 weeks ago and we have been going to couple counselling. Things are going well and i believe at the moment he would not cheat again and wopuldnt risk his family again. however I still keep digging when im alone and am worried how i will feel when our second honeymoon period passes and life goes back to 'normal' Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and if so how did you move on from it and become confident and happy again?? Not that this makes a difference but can i add that I carry pregnancy pretty well so its not like ive comopletely changed during pregnancy.
yessy21 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Im sorry for having to say this. It hurts me a great deal. but it not going to change. he will be cool for a little while but when he sees that ur getting busy with the baby things again... he will jump at the opportunity. been there done that. Something u should know. one reason why i am not having anymore children. SOme men dont like pregnant women. they are not attracted to them the same way as a girl that isnt or hasnt been. its ****ed up but its the truth. by the way. he doesnt deserve to have a child with u if he was going to go out and kiss another woman. why couldnt he go home and kiss u? I think u know what the right thing to do is here. although i know u will not leave him. i suggest u think twice before making huge steps.
aerialgirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think for the sake of your family you could consider giving this a chance. Some people do stuff up and I have known of men who have freaked when their partner got pregnant even though it was planned. Going out drinking and carrying on etc. Then they settled down. Best thing for you is to get as strong as you can. Lay out the ground rules and if he doesn't want to play along show him the door. You also have to think about how you process his past behaviour. If you can't forgive him it will haunt the relationship. Do some reading there are lots of good books out there. Best of luck.
Author clarerb Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I do think you are tainting all situations with the same brush. Im not saying he wont do it again but id like to think i know him enough not to. I also know this guy very well and hes a great guy and has always looked after me. Me being pregnant isnt why he did it. Nothing has changed with us since i became pregnant and i truly dont think that he 'doesnt like pregnant women'. i already have a son btw and i had to think of him when making this decision. Im sure its gonna be very hard to forgive and hes a complete idiot for doing it but im human enough to know that people make supid, life shattering mistakes and I weighed up (after no contact at all with him) that its better for ME and my kids to give it one last go. We are having counselling to discuss and discover any underlying cause and to build a stronger relationship.. Maybe it will all be in vain but at least i can say i tried. Its braver then giving up and expecting the worse. I hate him for it and I hate her for it but I love my family and our life. Wha I need is advice to get over the hurt and help me deal with the low days which I have.
Rose T Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi Clare, I think you're doing everything dead right at the moment. The counselling is definitely a really important step, especially for your partner, who probably needs to do a bit of growing up at the moment. It's good that there's a strong family network there that knows what happened and disapprove heartily. His friends sound annoying, but they are the weakest link here and when he becomes a Dad, his relationship with them should and will change. I'm not an expert by any means, but I think that in the realm of second chances, which is basically what this is, you need to forgive him and really work on feeling it. He, with his actions, needs to show you his commitment and reliabilty; I guess with the counselling he's showing he wants to work on things with you, but it also has to come from within. It's not fair, but while he needs to grow up more and potentially change more now, you have the harder task: you have to let go of your anger and really give him a second chance from the heart. I know this might seem extreme, but would you feel better if you had his email passwords and access to his phone? Would he share this with you? Anything really that makes you feel more relaxed when you're not in his presence. Would it help if he called you to check in more often, or could he come home for lunch, stuff like that? This could be a really important turning point in which your relationship grows stronger. Maybe he was shaking off his youth with the pub trips with his student and the crisis it's created could help him take full responsibility for becoming a father and making the transition. I think you are very brave and I wish you all the best for you and your baby.
heartshaped Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I really hate to say this is as well because you both seem like you want to make this work and have two children involved, but there often is no coming back from cheating. Things can't be the 'same' and often in cases like the one you described, it will happen again. Of course you don't think it will, but I hardly think you expected him to do this the first time. I agree with you giving things one last chance, but prepared for when it happens again and don't forgive the 'mistake' a second time.
Author clarerb Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 I dont expect things to ever be 'the same' but I actually think we could become stronger from this with the right support and communication. There were things in our relationship that needed work and this has made us identify what they are and make steps to change them. Dont get me wrong, this is the most appauling thing to happen to make us see this but it has happened and we can either try again and build a better relationship (which may fail) or simply walk away without trying. We just got back from our 4th counselling session and the counsellor stated that he is astounded at how far we have already come and at how positive the changes we have made are. He doesnt feel he needs to see us much now but has asked us to stay in touch and continue with the things we have discussed and agreed and keep our heads above water. We will see him one last time in 3 weeks to reflect on how things are going and we have a questionaire to each fill in independently which will identify our needs and if we are writing off the same page. I wont forget this easily and i expect there to be dark moments but at present i feel we can have a happy future if we can learn from this and not allow it to happen again. If it does happen again then I can hand on heart say that I tried my best.
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