WorldIsYours Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Dude, you are talking to people that walked in your shoes and they're telling you to see a lawyer because they got blindsided and screwed! Look, no one is telling you to RETAIN a lawyer, just talk to one. Right now your wife isn't the woman you married; she's a stranger. And with this knowledge, you don't know what a stranger will do to screw you over. And please tell me you didn't move out........ Exactly. Cheaters are known to be even more evil during the divorce, and will screw over their BSs even more! Brian get a damn lawyer and protect yourself.
lyss Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 It's amazing to me, and shocking, how many of you must be love-scorned to speak so poorly about a woman in turmoil. Do any of you realize what its like to feel so 'checked out' as a woman, most especially with two small kids? You don't know until it's YOU! All of this talk about keeping the kids from her and "tough sh*t for her" and going to her work and getting a man fired???? Un-be-lievable. Dude, I think you're better off getting your advice from somebody who has the best interests of staying civil and teaching coping and co-parenting versus this vindicative bunch of people...
Chi townD Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 It's amazing to me, and shocking, how many of you must be love-scorned to speak so poorly about a woman in turmoil. Do any of you realize what its like to feel so 'checked out' as a woman, most especially with two small kids? You don't know until it's YOU! All of this talk about keeping the kids from her and "tough sh*t for her" and going to her work and getting a man fired???? Un-be-lievable. Dude, I think you're better off getting your advice from somebody who has the best interests of staying civil and teaching coping and co-parenting versus this vindicative bunch of people... Ummm...okay...first off. She wants the separation; not him. So, are you saying that he should just roll over and take it? A man has the right to protect his own interests. The writing is damn near on the wall that an "inappropriate" relationship is happening here. Should he pick out her shoes for her when she goes out on a date? By having her move out, it just might open her eyes on how tough life is going to be. She won't see her children as much as she wants to. The expenses that will be her sole responsibility rather than a shared responsibility. The hurt in her childrens eyes when they ask why she doesn't live with them. Do you think she's going to tell them, "because I'm attracted to another man"? It might be enough for her to take off the rose tinted glasses and think about her family for once and maybe try to remember why she got married in the first place. He did nothing wrong. He shouldn't have to move.
Author BrianGTS Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Hi Everyone, Thank you ALL for the posts. Where do I start..... We have a meeting today with the counsellor, so hopefully that goes well. I still very much love my wife, and am still 100% commited to making it work out. I am not totally sure how she feels about it, but I guess I will find that out more today. Regardless of what happens, she will be in my life in some way, either as my loving, commited wife, or as just the mother of my children. We will have a positive relationship either way - that is healthy for us and our kids. We have grown apart for years - our recent crisis only brought up that to the forefront. We have had "the talk" a few times about how things needed to improve, but after a few weeks, things just settled back to the way they were before. However, like someone who has an addiction, I think that you really have to hit rock bottom before you really can fix things permenantly. Our relationship has hit rock bottom, so I am hoping that she will feel the same as me and do everything she can to create a new relationship with me (not just patch up the old relationship). That will take a lot of faith on both of our parts, but I am in a place where I can now take that step. I have forgiven myself for what I did to contribute to this situation (both the recent stuff, and the older stuff that I did and also failed to do), and I also forgive her for her part too. I would like us to both forget the past, and its associated baggage, and just start fresh. The weight on my chest is starting to lift a little.... I just hope we can get through this together..... She is a strong and wonderful woman - I just hope she is as strong as me on this issue. I think the easier way out is to cut and run and commit relationship suicide - it is far harder to stay and fight. I am worth fighting for, and so is our family - I just hope she can see it that way too. We stood in a church and swore to our family friends and God that we would be together "till death do us part". I am not a particularly religious person, but I beleive strongly in God, and I take that committment very seriously. I will not stop fighting for us until there is nothing left, and right now is not the time to stop. I am 100% honest with her, and while she does not believe it at the moment, she can trust me 100%. I really do know that she would not be unfaithful to me, and I have absolutely no desire to check up on her for anything. Feeling that way is very liberating. With the exception of the very recent past, I have always felt that way about her, and I do again 100% now. The frustrating part is that I don't know any way to prove it to her. I am trying my best by showing her that, but she has to also want to beleive that it is true, and I am not sure she is there yet (or ever will be). Anyway, I am a much stronger than I ever thought I could be about this situation, and have moved forward with my life outside of her. I hope she wants to join me for the future, but I know I can't make her do that - she has to want to for herself, and for us. I know with certainty that if we really really commited to a new realtionship for 1 year, it would be wonderful. I just can't make her take that leap of faith. If she does though (and I pray every day - literally - that she does), and it still doesn't work out, then at least we will both know we gave it our all, and not look back with regrets wondering "what if". I hate seeing the stress and strain on her face everyday - it kills me inside. Either way, we have some tough decisions to make, and she will probably not be happy about some of mine. However, unlike the past, I will be the strong person that I am, and do what is in the best interests of my kids, and will not sway to please anyone (I did this way too much in the past, and that is part of what got us where we are today). I also know that life will go on either way, and I will take what I have learned into my next relationship - hopefully that next relationship will be with her, but if not, it will be with someone else probably, and I will be happy either way. I hope that she is able to get past the anger she has inside and learns to be happy too - I want nothing but the best for both of us. Thank you all for your posts - I may not agree with everything I hear, but the fact that you all took the time to respond makes me feel like I am not alone in this. Please keep them coming - they are a source of strength and inspiration. Brian
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Counselor: "So, BrianGTS, why are you here today?" BrianGTS: <answer> ?? My exW and I had 14 months of MC with a clinical psychologist. Good luck
PollyIvy Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Hi Brian, I am very sorry you're going through this. I am going through something similar. I tried for such a long time to justify his actions - he's stressed, mid-life crisis, mood disorder, blah blah blah. Finally I have to accept this: he just doesn't seem to really love me anymore. End. Ouch. I hear that so far your marriage hasn't been a trainwreck, and you have young children who need both of you. I'm looking forward to hearing what comes out in your MC session. Good luck - this is so, so, so devastating. But you both love those kids, and you need to look after them and you. And unfortunately, if she doesn't want or need your love and care, then you must withdraw it.
highviolet Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 OP I urge you to listen to the people on this board who have experience. I am just a lurker and really in no position to give advice, but some of these people really know their sh*t, especially those that have 100's and 1000's of posts. Don't listen to the one that has 1. Your wife is not trustworthy. If she was willing to really work on the relationship, she should have no problem with giving you access to her email and phone. Only someone with something to hide would turn that around and make it seem like you are the one doing something wrong to divert attention away from what she is doing wrong. Take care of yourself and your kids.
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 It's amazing to me, and shocking, how many of you must be love-scorned to speak so poorly about a woman in turmoil. Do any of you realize what its like to feel so 'checked out' as a woman, most especially with two small kids? You don't know until it's YOU! All of this talk about keeping the kids from her and "tough sh*t for her" and going to her work and getting a man fired???? Un-be-lievable. Dude, I think you're better off getting your advice from somebody who has the best interests of staying civil and teaching coping and co-parenting versus this vindicative bunch of people... Lol at the troll
robf1971 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I really do know that she would not be unfaithful to me Hang on? didn't she have an EA with her boss?
sumdude Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 OP I urge you to listen to the people on this board who have experience. I am just a lurker and really in no position to give advice, but some of these people really know their sh*t, especially those that have 100's and 1000's of posts. Don't listen to the one that has 1. Your wife is not trustworthy. If she was willing to really work on the relationship, she should have no problem with giving you access to her email and phone. Only someone with something to hide would turn that around and make it seem like you are the one doing something wrong to divert attention away from what she is doing wrong. Take care of yourself and your kids. Yes, yes and again yes. This happens in almost every case. When I started to realize something was amiss and that my ex wife might be having an affair her response was to accuse me of one and tell everyone she knew. In the end even her best friend didn't believe her. People who know me knew that I wasn't the type to do that. So I'm now friends with my ex wife's ex best friend.
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