loveweary Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 I wrote here a while back about my relationship ending with my MM. He had written me an email that I found when I returned from a vacation, basically breaking up with me. I was heartbroken and confused, but with the help of this site I was able to realize that I was better off being out of the relationship. I kept myself busy, and never contacted him.....basically all the advice that people give here. I was making great progress- I finally started to move on with my life, and even though I still had feelings, I was able to just file them away and not think about it. Last week my MM contacted me because he wanted to explain why he had ended things so abruptly. I was very short with him, and definitely made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him. Then he told me he had cancer. (He had had it years ago, and now it had relapsed). This put everything in a different perspective. To backtrack a little, he had been in the middle of a separation when he and I were together, and he and his wife were intending on divorcing. They had an amicable relationship, but decided they weren't in love anymore. They have two young children. With the diagnosis of the relapse, he panicked, and said that what was most important at that point was to provide his kids with an immediate family. I understood all that, and I told him that I was glad that he had explained this to me. Now, he contacts me regularly, through text messages and emails at work. He is going through a very difficult and scary time right now, with treatments and all, and he tells me that my love and support are what get him through this time. He tells me that he loves me, and he talks to me just like he used to when we were together. I'm so torn. I am 99% sure that he and I do not have a future together. I have accepted that, and I want to move on with my life. The only way for me to do that is no contact with him. But at the same time, I feel like I cannot abandon him at this time in his life. I do love him, and I still care about him tremendously as a person. I want to help him through this. But at the same time, I feel like I am doing a huge disadvantage to myself, because by getting caught up in all this again, I am not allowing myself to heal the way I should. I was doing so well up to this point, and now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't know what to do. I try to tell myself that yes, i do know that we have no future. But in the big picture, he is someone who has touched my life in a huge way, and he is very sick right now and needs love and support. I feel like I am being selfish if I just think about my own feelings and whether or not I get hurt or not. I'm so confused. Advice would be apprciated.....
dixiepix Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 I do not believe that you are being selfish if the situation is too stressful. No matter the circumstances, he left you abrubtly, without a reason, up until now; which left you confused and in torment. It is understandable given the situation that he would want to be close to his children. However, he made choices. A choice not to include you in what was going on when he dumped you. A choice to dump you and go back to his family. These choices are fine, but I don't think he considered your feelings when he made these choices. Hopefully he has a bounty of family and friends to help him through this. He should be ashamed for dragging you back into this.
quankanne Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 being baldly blunt here, but is the guy actually dying? or does he see this as a way of trying to keep things going between the two of you? I understand not wanting to kick him while he's down, but he made his decision long ago -- for whatever reasons -- to end the relationship. To expect you to be his sole emotional support system now ("he tells me that my love and support are what get him through this time" sounds like he's laying the burden completely on you) is just wrong. Kindly -- but firmly -- express your sympathy at his situation, but explain to him that you are not comfortable with the role he's forced upon you, expecting you to be his support system when you are trying to build a life without him. That is in no way being unkind to an ill person, just clarifying what boundaries you set for a future relationship with him.
kkat Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 I don't think you owe him any active involvement or support. Would you agree that it's not good for you to be in contact with him?
Fancy Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 You already know the answer to your question. The man broke up with you by email. How cowardly! If he needs support, let him get it from his kids, parents, siblings, coworkers, pastor, and wife. You owe him nothing. You said yourself the only way you'll ever move on is no contact. Heed your own advice.
Chrissy21 Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Loveweary: I can feel your pain in every sentence you typed. No, I don't think you are being selfish. I do kinda think that he is being selfish in a way for bringing you all of this heartbreak and turmoil you feel. I know the pain you feel, the way you just know that no matter what it will never work out between you and him. I sometimes feel that feeling in my heart. And it hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. But then sometimes when I'm alone driving on a really pretty road out in the country, with the windows down, and a good song on the radio-I just know that even if we didn't make it-I would still be okay. I would be sad for a long time- but I would be okay. And like you, there will always be a part of me that loves him no matter what. I guess that's just the way life is. I know from reading alot of your posts on my thread that you're an exceptional human being. I think that you are probably alot stronger than I could ever be. You are brave to stand beside him in this time in his life. But I do think that you are doing yourself a huge disadvantage by doing so. You deserve better than him. But if you're anything like me- you don't want to hear what you deserve. Your going to make it, Loveweary. Just be true to yourself. I just can't give you the answers you're looking for when I can't give myself any answers. But maybe everthing in this world isn't supposed to make sense. Maybe everything isn't supposed to be perfect. Like falling in love with the perfect man, having the perfect marriage, with the perfect white picket fence and the perfect house, the perfect kids. I've always thought that there is a really fine line between perfection and unhappiness.
overseas2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 She has no way of knowing if he is really sick or not. This is an exceptional situation. In all other situations I would say that this woman should not be speaking to this man. But if he is indeed sick and maybe dying I do not think it would hurt to just be his friend for now. That is only if you can and it does not hurt you to do that. As far as your future together. You should avoid trying to forecast this at all. People never know what time brings for them. And if we did .... life would be super boring. Try to sit back and wait to see what will occur. Life is full of surprises. He may recover and decide to leave ( I don't know what his prognosis is). But the important thing is ... now for you to be true to yourself. Do be supportive if you need to. That is ok. Just don't continue your relationship with him at this point. That would only end up hurting you. Regards and best wishes.
Chrissy21 Posted April 8, 2004 Posted April 8, 2004 Loveweary: Last night I found myself unable to sleep as I've had many nights before. I lie awake thinking about how many women are experiencing the same pain as I am. And I thought about you. I hate the fact that you think you are being selfish, when the only person being selfish is him. And I know this because my MM can act the very same way alot of the time. He spends alot of the time feeling sorry for himself. You have been there for him the whole time. Has he been there when you needed him? I probably know the answer to that question because it's the same as mine. I do love my guy with all of my heart. I care about him so much it hurts, but there is no denying the lengths I go through for him. And there have been many times when I needed him and he wasn't there for me. And that hurts. The only thing I can say is sometimes you can't make your heart ignore what your eyes won't hide. You can see that your situation is not going to change. You even said for yourself that you're 99% sure. I feel bad saying this to you when you have always given me advice that was almost reassuring. But it makes me feel even worse to hear the way your hurting yourself like this. I hate him for the way he's making you feel. As soon as you build yourself up, he knocks you down again.
unluckylady Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Loveweary - you said "I don't know what to do. I try to tell myself that yes, i do know that we have no future. But in the big picture, he is someone who has touched my life in a huge way"... Well, not every meaningful relationship is meant to last forever. Learn something from this one, and move on. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOO close to being happy without him. I truly envy you.
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