We haven't seen each other in over 2 years but what does my ex boyfriend mean?

[pal86]

This is kind of a follow up from what I posted in Nov. last year: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255058/

 

Well basically I am wanting to understand the behaviour/language of my ex boyfriend, whom I still love very much, even though he is now involved with someone else. I tried to sever all contact for good. He messaged my mother and said he found it difficult and sad that I wanted nothing to do with him after not hearing from me for so long (1 ½ years) and I finally just tried to be friendly and said I would prefer to have him in my life as friend than not at all. He then friend requested me after I had deleted him.

 

From the beginning of Nov to end of december last year (my ‘embarrassingly insane period’), I sent him 3 long emails, 1 of them through fb and numerous shortish fb msgs (he sent short replies etc back). Tried calling his mobile about 8 times (would never try more than once on any day!) 3 of those times I actually got through. Called his house 2 times, I hung up after I was told he wasn't there then I called back straight away, after I realised how rude it was of me. I then spoke on the phone to them for almost an hour, though majority of it to his sister. I didn't say it was me, they knew instantly.

 

He finally returned my call on xmas eve, which I didn't get as my phone had broken so my sister was using my sim card. He sent my mother a message explaining that he had tried to call me earlier on in the day. She called him immediately and she spoke briefly to him and then told him I was right there and she was going to pass him on to me! We spoke for about 45 mins and had a nervous, slightly excited, awkward chat (he said thank you for the xmas card I sent the family). He said he wanted to see me when I’m back and that he wants to be friends first (huh? what does that mean?). I called him back on Boxing Day as I said I wanted to talk to him again before I left for Oz but he had family round and made excuses, but said he was free the next day. I was flying the next day so I couldn't. So I call when I'm back in Perth on the 29th (night of 28th in UK) and he answers, realises it's me, has a very quick nervous dismissive chat with me, they are having dessert and by the tone and sound of his voice, the gf is sitting right next to him (I like to call it female intuition). She is obviously fully integrated into his family, she has his mother, brother and sister on her facebook. I am mortified and so sad after this call. And I go on my unmerry way to numerous destinations in oz for a few weeks holidays.

 

So a month later I am invited to a mutual friend’s birthday on fb and I just so happen to be on chat and I post something on the event wall. Instantaneously he gets on chat and starts talking to me (my post popped up as a notification for him). I was shocked, I really believed that what I had done already had well and truly frightened him away.

 

One minute I’ll feel really positive about everything, that he is going to tell me that he loves me too and just needs to break up with the gf. I suppose the fact that he is still in contact with me is a plus after all I’ve said and done…

 

But he just won’t tell me how he feels one way or the other. I just want to know. I even ‘drunk’ texted him 3 weeks ago (by mistake, I blame my iphone and I wasn’t even drunk! Just emotional and tired seeing that it was 3am). I asked him how he felt etc etc etc just emotional ramblings, can’t remember exactly as I deleted all evidence of it as I was too embarrassed to be reminded of it. Anyway, I apologised for the message after he sent me a fb msg asking if I had sent him a text from an Oz no. and then when we were on chat I apologised again and he responded:

 

‘Yeah, about that...I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you / have no wish to be in contact it's not that at all. It's just difficult for a variety of reasons. There is a lot of stuff that I am aware that I am yet to reply to properly, and I guess I did have every intention of doing so. It's just hard to find the appropriate moment. And to be honest very hard to think about some times. I also have to bear ‘gf’s name’ in mind. It would be very easy to hurt her discussing some of the things that were to be discussed and that would be very unfair.

I hope you understand that.’

 

I then say: ‘After all is said and done, I will probably go to my grave feeling the same way and I'm learning to be ok with it’

 

and all he offers is: ‘It doesn't feel like the right thing to do not talking in person. I would certainly like to see you when you are back from Auz.’.

 

I mean I have spilled my guts out numerous times over (though I have never directly mentioned that I want to get back together nor begged him to take me back) and that is the most he has offered me. Why would he want to see me? This was the second time he said that, once on the phone and repeating it means that it wasn’t just a slip of the tongue. My sister reckons he wouldn’t go so far as asking to see me or seeing me if he only wanted to eventually tell me he’s not interested anymore and has obviously moved on. I think I get it, but I just don’t! Y’know, if you love me let me know, If you don’t, let me go.

 

We are in a sort of routine now where we will have a long chat over facebook every fortnight or so and have a catch up kind of thing. The last one which was only last Wednesday lasted for just over 2 hours and we ended up saying how proud we are of each other etc… plus he started using 3 x’s instead of 1. I can’t believe I am analysing how many x’s I am getting!

 

For all the guys out there, or anyone who can help shed some light on this for me - what does he mean? He obviously wants to be in contact. Is it that he wants to see me to see if there is anything there after what will be coming up to 3 years apart by the time we can eventually meet? Surely if you’re completely happy with your current partner, you wouldn’t be in contact with your ex, especially with an ex who you know still loves you (nor obviously hiding it from the gf)? Plus if you had totally moved on you wouldn’t have both your ex’s number nor your ex’s mum’s no in your phone, would you? I know I need patience and I am doing my best.

 

I am moving to London in Aug/sept so we will be together living in the same city for the first time ever, so I do believe in second chances especially when there were never any problems with compatibility and enjoying each other’s company, just distance and lack of continuity of my heart (due to the emotional ups and downs of not being together most of the time) that led to the initial demise of the relationship.

 

Mutual friends of ours have met the gf and they reckon she is not right for him, there is no spark between them and he doesn’t seem to want to be showing her off. He wouldn’t tell a girlfriend of ours about his Valentine’s Day plans, after she asked him, it was as if he didn’t have any. (That was their 1st v-day together.) They’ve also mentioned she appears to be a little rude and bossy (tries to tell him what to wear) and doesn’t even compare to me looks wise (but that is by the by). I don’t want to be a home wrecker (cheating is not something I will ever agree or sympathise with) but I am also not willing to let go of what we could potentially be because when you find someone you just click with so well, you’d be a fool to completely let it go before knowing for sure how they feel about you too…

[MidnightinMadrid]

I would be careful to not pursue him at all,by reading your thread,and the amount of time thatyour calling him. The guy has a gf,if he doesnt care for her as he does for you give him SPACE to see that for himself.

Meaning let him come to you,which he does, without your pursuing him.I am not into the this is unfair to his gf mode,because I myself have loved someone who was unavailable and the last time we flirted online sealed the end of our relationship and friendship to rub salt on the wound,i've got the 'its unfair to my gf' speeches pounded in my head.

So I wont say that to you,but bear in mind,one day whether if its with him or with someone,you will get involved in a relationship with a guy and the last thing you want is his ex pursuing him,while he's with you.

I understand you love him and all,and its good you are still friend,but girl step back a bit,if he loves you then that girl will be no match for you he will come to you,but you dont want it in your conscience that you broken up a relationship.

 

If its meant to be it will happen,dont force it,keep in touch with him but remain a little unavailable,like my friend always tell me..Relax

Edited March 14, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[pal86]

Thank you for that… and sorry you’ve been through it too.

 

I am worried that he is simply keeping in contact for the ego boost. I don’t want to be just an option to him, because if the right guy for you can’t see you’re the right girl for them, then you're simply not right for each other. Just getting no feedback is killing me, he is playing it safe and being elusive. I get so full of resentment, for the fact I am going through all these emotions, that he isn’t going through them and is completely oblivious to mine.

 

Being fed that line of ‘it’s unfair to my gf’ really rubbed me up the wrong way, any private discussions would stay between us and it would have nothing to do with her. I feel it’s just a ploy, so I have sworn off fb for a week, not going on it until next Monday but will see if I can hold out longer. I will stop instigating chats from now on (I have started every chat we’ve had since the first one - which he started).

 

I keep toying with the idea of just taking myself completely out of the equation for my own sanity, but then I know I need to relax and take things in baby steps. Only time will tell