Hote204 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi there! In short, every guy i've ever commited to has crapped on me. First one i was with for 8 years just dumped me for another girl. Let me leave our home at 1.00am with my clothes in a bag..only to flaunt his new bird in front of me. Second one got caught sending messages to his ex over FB asking her for sex, he was dropped like a hot cake. Third one, well thats a whole new ball game. Loved him to death but he cheated on me, treated me pretty badly and constantly head screwed me sending flirting online with other girls, mentally and emotionally abusing me. Now i cant shake him off. Its been really 5 months since we split and he still follows me around, crying, admitting his mistakes and saying we will get married one day. I feel like a superbitch at the minute, like i will never commit to anyone ever again. I feel like i want to hurt people like they have me. I dont feel like there are any decent, honest people out there at all. How can i stop feeling like this and make sure i dont destroy my future relationships with this bitterness?? It sucks..big time. I have no intention of ever having another bf, which makes me more angry as i think "thanks to them bast*rds, i can never trust anyone again". I dont want therapy (i'm UK, its not as acceptable that in the US) i want to heal myself!!
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 First thing, disengage with the most recent ex. Do not engage with him whatsoever. When he contacts you, ignore his calls, texts, emails etc. Send any post back to him unopened and with no note. You have wounds that you need to heal, and dicking around with this bloke will just be picking at the scabs. Next, find other things to do that make you happy. Relationships are, at this time in your life, problematic, so put them on hold, for now. In fact, forget about having a relationship, for now. They're often hugely overrated and we all do too much to get one, keep one, revive one, and when we have one, we get bored. That's because we have spent so much time and effort searching for one that we don't have any other hobbies, interests, pastimes to fill the hours of the day. A relationship works when it is enjoyable most of the time and only occasionally difficult. In what way do you feel therapy is unacceptable in the UK? I've had it, and benefited from it immensely. I couldn't give two hoots who finds it acceptable or not. I haven't hurt anyone by having therapy or gone against any other aspect my own personal code of conduct, so I, being my own judge, am satisfied with my behaviour. If someone wishes to judge me by that, that's their prerogative, and it's mine to ignore their judgement. Asking for help from professionals has been very useful for me to learn about, accept and like me, as well as to know my boundaries, and how to live a more happy life. If not therapy, there are myriad self-help books that can give you food for thought. Learning about yourself, about techniques for dealing with difficult situations, about how to cope with stress and anxiety, can be a valuable process. Other things I have done include hypnotherapy, massage, yoga, change of diet, reconnected with parents and siblings, trained for a new job, got really into gardening, assertiveness training, holidays, keeping a diary and CBT. Of course, any advice or suggestions I give are just that. Do whatever you like with those bits of information. You can be your own judge, your own best friend, if you choose to.
Author Hote204 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I totally agree with you that relationships are overated. I mostly feel trapped in them feeling like i have to accept things about the one i love which make me feel crazy and i always give more than i get back. Its only society that makes me feel like a women at 30 should be looking to get married etc. I have a large circle of friends, run my own company and go the gym so i have plenty of things to do (in fact i'm never at home). The only thing i miss is someone having to cuddle up to sometimes on the very rare occasion that i do need someone. I dont know why therapy scares me, i like to think i'm strong enough to get through it and if i'm 100% honest, i would hate to think that any of those men could think "ha..i put her in therapy". Sad isnt it!
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) I'm 37, male, well paid job, 6'3" tall and look a right brute. I was, like you, resistant to the idea of asking for help, but I'm glad I did. It's made it so much easier for me to develop as a person without being co-dependent on a partner. I thought prior to trying it that I was scared that I was weird, unfixable, making a fuss over nothing or that it would upset me. I was actually scared of doing something really effective that made a real change to my life. Having spent years learning to cope by myself, I didn't want to lose that self-control and those self-learnt skills. From my experience, finding the right therapist was the first step. Some know more than others; some you can connect with better than others; some have outlooks on life that work for you better than others. Finding one that has experience or real interest in personal relationships, abuse and the like may be what works for you. They don't fix you or heal you, and certainly don't push you. They can give you different ideas and perspectives with which to understand yourself. Having someone to talk to, in confidence, about personal matters and that someone being non-judgemental and outside of your normal life is very useful. I'd certainly do it again when I feel I'd like to. I understand what you're saying about not liking the idea of your exes getting pleasure out of you going into therapy, but what do you prefer? To be right or to be happy? If someone thinks I am weak and they have won some abstract war I just think "fine, I'm weak and well done, you've won you pyrrhic victory, now f*ck off and leave alone. I gave you some of my time. Now I am not going to give you any more." Edited March 14, 2011 by betterdeal
Author Hote204 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Lol i like your attitude! We would get on ha! I think its partly frustration with people in general. I dunno, perhaps i'm too black and white. I get mad with the fact that i cant understand the motves behind peoples logic. In my mind, you love someone, you look out for them like family. Not try and screw them over and get any women you can behind their back. Why! Just leave them if you not happy. The last one really had me over. Past ex bf's have just been brushed off as if they were dead to me when we split. But this last one is something else. I feel angry with myself that i cared that much for him, knowing he was going to hurt me. He really caught my eye and ive excepted things i would NEVER have off another man. Deep down, the killer is i've realised that someone can hurt me worse than i ever thought possible, i thought i was way too tough for it. Clearly not..and now the prick wants another go at me. Not likely!
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 You're maturing, clearly, and letting people get closer to the real you as you grow and become more confident in who you are. It so happens that you and your recent ex had a difficult relationship, and that exposed you to more hurt than you are used to. You sound like you're ready to grow, to open up more, to be more you. Therapy can help you gain the knowledge and skills to do that, but in a safe environment with someone you can trust. Exposing your inner self so soon to someone who also has issues to deal with can and does lead to set-backs and harmful behaviour. But they are only set-backs, and wounds can be healed. Thinking back, I am astonished by how readily I gave my ex the pleasure of access to my real self, my inner self, my soul. Equally, I'm amazed at how much crap she put up with from me. But we both wanted to grow, to connect and move on in life. We both got hurt, but we both learnt a lot too, and did connect, and did have good times as well as bad ones. When I have met her since, within an hour of meeting she's revealed she's up to many of the same old tricks. What has changed is I see these traits and behaviours differently. I've changed, for the better, and I wish her well in her pursuit of a life that makes her happy. Mind, I wish that for most everyone. When you get to that stage, and you no longer need to be angry, you'll feel so much better. Exploring your own self, your own being, what makes you is infinitely more satisfying than dealing with someone else's problems, and it results in being loved by someone who will always be there for you - yourself.
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