Hold fast Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I posted here some months ago about my situation, I was seeing a married man and myself in a relationship, I am 39 and he is 47. Then five months ago he left her and I split up with my partner, though we stressed this was not for each other. It's been a very tough time time since then, not between us as such but staying positive and knowing what to do for the best. Things are changing again at the moment and I just feel down and scared. I am moving out of the house I shared with my ex next weekend, we carried on living together as friends but enough was enough. I am moving into a very small flat and am scared about money being lonely and most of all if the other man wants me. He still keeps me secret he says his wife wouldn't cope and may get difficult about the son, who is 15. I don't know if this is true or he is keeping his options open. Before he left her he said he loved me but hasn't said it once since. We have spoken about this and he says he's scared of letting me down that he's not entirely free of her to commit to me and give me what I deserve but he says he shows through his actions how important I am, I suppose this is true. The matter is further complicated by him and I working together,he has been allowed the last four months off to sort himself out but is due to return in two weeks, work don't know as he denied it when asked but I don't think they believe us. I am worried that he won't cope at work as he will go back to her. I am just scared of everything as everything is so unknown and I don't know what I am dong or where I am going, I know now is not a time to ask him as he needs to re-establish himself at work and get somewhere stable to live but I really do love him, it's not infatuation it's the first time I've been in love it's beautiful but I just don't know where I stand. I am doing nothing more than following my gut instinct in all of this, it's all I have. I don't know what I really expect you to say, I guess I just need to carry on through this stormy uncertain time as I've come this far but feel very bogged down. Thank you for your time.
greengoddess Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I know it is scary but if your relationship was truly over because it was over and not because of your affair then know that you are doing the right thing in leaving. It's scary but it is a new beginning. The excuse of you being secret because of the kid scares me. The kid is 15. At 15 the mom can not keep the kid from him. 15 year olds are very independent. I would be a little worried that he is trying to get his wife back and that is why you are secret. Honestly I think you should refuse to see him anymore until he will see you out in the open. He is separated so what is the problem. Make him be prud of you and show you to the world. Don't continue to be his hidden secret. That does nothing for you. Work on you and enjoy your new beginning whether this man is in it or not. Don't be a secret. You deserve more.
OWoman Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I posted here some months ago about my situation, I was seeing a married man and myself in a relationship, I am 39 and he is 47. Then five months ago he left her and I split up with my partner, though we stressed this was not for each other. It's been a very tough time time since then, not between us as such but staying positive and knowing what to do for the best. Things are changing again at the moment and I just feel down and scared. I am moving out of the house I shared with my ex next weekend, we carried on living together as friends but enough was enough. I am moving into a very small flat and am scared about money being lonely and most of all if the other man wants me. He still keeps me secret he says his wife wouldn't cope and may get difficult about the son, who is 15. I don't know if this is true or he is keeping his options open. Before he left her he said he loved me but hasn't said it once since. We have spoken about this and he says he's scared of letting me down that he's not entirely free of her to commit to me and give me what I deserve but he says he shows through his actions how important I am, I suppose this is true. The matter is further complicated by him and I working together,he has been allowed the last four months off to sort himself out but is due to return in two weeks, work don't know as he denied it when asked but I don't think they believe us. I am worried that he won't cope at work as he will go back to her. I am just scared of everything as everything is so unknown and I don't know what I am dong or where I am going, I know now is not a time to ask him as he needs to re-establish himself at work and get somewhere stable to live but I really do love him, it's not infatuation it's the first time I've been in love it's beautiful but I just don't know where I stand. I am doing nothing more than following my gut instinct in all of this, it's all I have. I don't know what I really expect you to say, I guess I just need to carry on through this stormy uncertain time as I've come this far but feel very bogged down. Thank you for your time. HF, it sounds as if you are both going through big changes right now and looking to each other to provide you with support - which neither of you is really in a position to give because you're needing support yourselves. It's impossible at this stage to guess how things will work out, and whether or not your continued investment in the R will pay off, and so I guess it boils down to how badly you want things to work out for you as a couple. If you both want it badly enough and are prepared to work at it, you need to discuss what you both need in order to feel that assurance from each other and to feel secure in your R. It sounds, currently, as if you are both feeling insecure. His wanting to keep things hidden for now may well be grounded - there are stories on LS of BSs stirring up their kids against the WS - or they may be completely baseless (there are other stories of BSs who supported their kids to have good Rs with the WS). It's hard to tell from the outside what their situation is, and whether his fears are reasonable or not. But, unless this is just an excuse on his part, even if his fears are groundless, they are still real TO HIM and he needs time and support to work through them. Similarly, being open in the workplace will require a similar level of support and time to adjust. For both of you. Meanwhile, you need to find ways of ensuring you get the support and security you need, yourself - and if he's not in a position to provide it to you, you need to find other sources where you can get it - friends, family, colleagues or from a counsellor. This can be a very stressful time, and it sounds as if both of you are suffering a good deal of stress. Take care of yourself.
spice4life Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I posted here some months ago about my situation, I was seeing a married man and myself in a relationship, I am 39 and he is 47. Then five months ago he left her and I split up with my partner, though we stressed this was not for each other. It's been a very tough time time since then, not between us as such but staying positive and knowing what to do for the best. Things are changing again at the moment and I just feel down and scared. I am moving out of the house I shared with my ex next weekend, we carried on living together as friends but enough was enough. I am moving into a very small flat and am scared about money being lonely and most of all if the other man wants me. He still keeps me secret he says his wife wouldn't cope and may get difficult about the son, who is 15. I don't know if this is true or he is keeping his options open. Before he left her he said he loved me but hasn't said it once since. We have spoken about this and he says he's scared of letting me down that he's not entirely free of her to commit to me and give me what I deserve but he says he shows through his actions how important I am, I suppose this is true. The matter is further complicated by him and I working together,he has been allowed the last four months off to sort himself out but is due to return in two weeks, work don't know as he denied it when asked but I don't think they believe us. I am worried that he won't cope at work as he will go back to her. I am just scared of everything as everything is so unknown and I don't know what I am dong or where I am going, I know now is not a time to ask him as he needs to re-establish himself at work and get somewhere stable to live but I really do love him, it's not infatuation it's the first time I've been in love it's beautiful but I just don't know where I stand. I am doing nothing more than following my gut instinct in all of this, it's all I have. I don't know what I really expect you to say, I guess I just need to carry on through this stormy uncertain time as I've come this far but feel very bogged down. Thank you for your time. All of these fears are very normal. Keep yourself busy with family and friends who care about you - they will definitely be able to help you through. And post here too of course! I was there myself many years ago and the saving grace in all of it was that I was going to be free to live my life the way I chose to live it. It was a great feeling. I didn't have to feel trapped in a marriage that not good for me. You will be going through a multitude of emotions during this time, but just stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel - a life where you will be free to live as you choose to. You are doing the right thing by leaving if you are unhappy. Think of it this way. If you have children, they will be gone one day living their own lives and your life won't be empty because you made the choice to free yourself. Keep posting and we will all help you through. Your doing great! The fears are normal and will go away as you start to adjust to living your new life. Stay strong!
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Take this time to grieve your own relationship and face your fears of being alone. The thing is, you aren't alone..You may live on your own, but you DO have friends and family to help you so you won't feel that alone. It's okay to be lonely. It's not going to kill you. It'll make you stronger, more self sufficent .. That's a good feeling! As for your MM, he has lots to sort out and maybe just take things slowly, get out of the affair dynamic with him. Get to know him more casually and not be invovled in his daily life.
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