ReturnToSender Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I was doing so good. Mayne not with NC, okay I suck royally at NC, but I was doin so good at holding myself together, with trying to keep a level head. Now here I am in tears...for the first time in 4 months, and a year and a half since our breakup. I hate this...I hate it so much. Cause not only as I sad and angry and deflated over this whole ish with my ex and our convo tonight, but I hate hate hate how I feel about myself right now. I just dont get it...no matter how hard I try, how good I want to be, how much love I give, what I do to show the person I care about that I appreciate them and support them and support them and everything...in the end they always always always decide they are better off without me. And it doesnt seem fair. Its not fair that all my exs say they love me, say how wonderful I am, say how much I mean to them...what good is that doing me? Like seriously..how is that a good thing that they say that to me, while with another woman by their side who they decided was better than me to share their lives with. If Im so ****ing loved and wonderful and all that ****, then why am I never good enough? I grew up unwanted, and now Im growing old unwanted. I cant handle this.... I dont want to be bitter and jaded and be one of those people who dont believe in love...but oh my god. i try and try and fail and fail...the only thing that Ive been able to prove so far is yes...Im not worth it. And I hate that so much. At the rate Im going, I cant keep going. I feel like if I dont stop now, I going to completely run myself into the ground and then what? I just want to stop being in pain, and I want to stop crying, and I hate that Im alone and that no one sees anythng in me worth keeping. I wish to god for once someone would say, I cant be with you because youre xyz, complain about something I did, something I said, some stupid habit or problem or whatever....anything...anythign at all that I could reflect on and improve or fix or better myself with. But it makes NO sense that alll I ever ****ing hear is how wonderful I am and how much Im loved. wtf is that?! How does that help me? None of this is worth it....I hate feeling this way, I hate having to start over again trying to talk myself into believing Im worth it and one day itll happen for me. Its not, pure and simple. Its not and Im done with this bull****. Cause in the end thats all it boils down to...Im just the "great" girl a guy gets into a relatinship with til he decides hes ready to move onto the real thing. I never am and never will be that to anyone and its pissing me off that I keep trying and keep thinking this time its for realy and looking like a fool while I hear yet again how he will always love me and how I will always mean something special and how Im such a beautiful person and how one day I will meet the man who really is right for me. **** that.
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