Intricategirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Sometimes they don't have a better reason. Sometimes it's really hard to pin down. There was one guy I was chatting with one time. He seemed really nice, asked what my favorite flower was so he could buy them for me, asked about a part in my profile where I said I didn't like dancing... I couldn't put my finger on it until after I stopped chatting with him, and if he asked me why I stopped chatting with him, I don't know that I could have given him a reason. I would have probably babbled something about him seeming to be a really nice guy, but I just didn't think it would work out. A few days later, I realized exactly what bugged me. He didn't seem like a nice guy at all! He seemed like he wanted to APPEAR nice, but was really controlling. "I'm going to buy you flowers- nevermind the fact that you hate flowers. I'm into slow dancing, so you're going to need to get over hating dancing. I'm going to do all these romantic things, and dammit, you'd better appreciate them!" After I faded, he changed his whole profile to an all caps rant about how he hates games and fake people. Guess what- I hadn't even gone on a single date with him. I owed him nothing. And it would have been much more of a game or fakeness if I went out with him and let his feelings develop further when I knew I wasn't that into him. I pegged the controlling thing, even before I had it figured out (through intuition or luck or I don't know what). If I went out with someone and wasn't feeling it for any reason, and they asked me why I faded out, I'd either give them an honest answer or block them completely (if I thought they were truly psychotic). And they'd get one answer, not a discussion. But in the back of my mind, I'd be congratulating myself on dodging that bullet. Something told me they were going to be a handful, and look- they're proving it. I'm not even in a relationship and they want me to justify my actions to them?? How much worse would it be if it continued? As far as giving them that enlightenment about themselves, yeah, it's nice. But frankly, everyone else has to earn their enlightenment the hard way.
yessy21 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 My best guy friend and i were talking the other day about this really nice girl that likes him and i asked him well why dont u date her? and he told me 'well... shes too overweight'. i told him to tell her and he said no' thats cruel'. so he told her theres no spark. Some guys dont want to be mean. and they dont want to give u a hard blow to ur self esteem so they will not give u a straight answer. It sucks i know but hey... eventually you will be perfect for someone.
MissGoLightly Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I have lately had number of guys start avoiding me after say 3 or so dates. I used to let these things go but have lately decided to e-mail them and ask why? I am not getting great results. All I got were vague answers like "I get a sense things wouldn't work" etc. I am just trying to learn more about myself that way. I wish someone would give me a really blunt answer Maybe that's the best answer they can give? Or maybe it's a euphemism for "I'm not attracted to you"? After three dates I doubt anyone knows you well enough to tell you something new about yourself that you didn't already know, what you would learn is about the guy - what he does and does not find attractive, or that he clicked better with someone else, or his ex-gf decided to take him back. I honestly believe though, after 3 dates, what they really mean is they're not feeling any chemistry with you. In addition, I personally would be very hesitant to answer that question, because from experience most people will take any specific answer you give and respond with "but I can change!! I can be XY andZ! Just give me another chance! You'll see!" Even if you are reassuring them that you really are only interested in an honest answer, and will never contact them again, this could also be a reason you're getting vague answers.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Yes better deals answers are good. It's not like he's saying You are too fat. You are too clingy/not attentive enough. You are fill in the blank devaluing statement. Which is what most people would say. No one wants to feel like the bad person for not liking a decent human being that way so they make it about the other person.
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 My best guy friend and i were talking the other day about this really nice girl that likes him and i asked him well why dont u date her? and he told me 'well... shes too overweight'. i told him to tell her and he said no' thats cruel'. so he told her theres no spark. Some guys dont want to be mean. and they dont want to give u a hard blow to ur self esteem so they will not give u a straight answer. Happens both ways. Male friend of mine took a shine to a female friend of mine first time we all met. She said to me afterwards she felt he was a great guy but came across as too needy and desperate and that turned her off. I suggested the fact he's an obese, smelly, chain-smoking, unemployed, 40-something alcoholic living in sheltered accommodation might also not be what she's into. She didn't say anything to him. That's her call.
Emilia Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I always give a reason and it's always the same: 'I don't feel we have that much chemistry between us.' That's what it's about in the early stages after all. If we don't click for whatever reason then it's a good enough reason to move on and it's a good enough explanation. Doesn't matter why or when or how, it's just not happening.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) Happens both ways. Male friend of mine took a shine to a female friend of mine first time we all met. She said to me afterwards she felt he was a great guy but came across as too needy and desperate and that turned her off. I suggested the fact he's an obese, smelly, chain-smoking, unemployed, 40-something alcoholic living in sheltered accommodation might also not be what she's into. She didn't say anything to him. That's her call. That's just what I'm talking about. She couldn't be the bad, shallow person. So she had to invent some BS to make it seem like it was about his personality or compatibility or his "aura". :-/ :lol: I used to think that finding out a reason would help. The truth is that particular person was just not feeling a strong enough connection at that moment. If they went on a date with you then they did feel something. They just did not feel enough chemistry, enough spark to make a relationship worth the trouble. Relationships are work and trouble and cost money and time....so we only get into them with people who evoke strong feelings. Not just mild attraction. Edited March 14, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I have lately had number of guys start avoiding me after say 3 or so dates. I used to let these things go but have lately decided to e-mail them and ask why? I am not getting great results. All I got were vague answers like "I get a sense things wouldn't work" etc. I am just trying to learn more about myself that way. I wish someone would give me a really blunt answer In fact, that is a very honest and appropriate answer at the point of 3 or so dates. I have said that myself to guys when I was dating. Sometimes, the internal response to another person is just plain "NO." There is no need to dissect it further. As others have said, it was nice of them to say anything at all, rather than just disappearing; nobody "owes" the other a thing, even an explanation, after 3 dates, and knowing more (like if they secretly thought you were rotund but didn't want to say so) would not "help" you anyway. You are not supposed to work on "fixing" yourself so you can be the right person for somebody. You are supposed to be dating either to have fun, or to find someone who is the right person for you as they are, and vice versa.
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 That's just what I'm talking about. She couldn't be the bad, shallow person. So she had to invent some BS to make it seem like it was about his personality or compatibility or his "aura". :-/ :lol: Neither is a false assessment. They are in fact inter-related. He is desperate and needy for much the same reasons he's a fat smelly drunk who can't put food on his own plate or a roof over his own head, never mind be a contributing part of a relationship. These are outward symptoms of some other deeper personal issues that he needs to deal with before he will be fit to be in a relationship. It's a testament to her sense of self and personal boundaries that she felt at ease being friendly and have a booze up with him and drew a very clear line when he tried to go further. I think that generally women are more at ease describing the personality issues they have with a potential mate, whereas men are more likely to point out physical issues they have. Maybe that's because women are judged on looks more and men on character more, so we're less comfortable judging others by the things we ourselves are judged by. Who knows? However both body and behaviour are, are more often than not, intrinsically linked to each other.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 The last guy that did the fade, I actually was confronted my him when I canceled our FIRST date. I canceled the date with the very clear reason, that I ended a relationship a week ago and am just not ready to go on dates. This wasn't a good enough reason for him. He interrogated me on it "not making sense" and why did I make a date if I wasn't ready. I went through a very detailed explanation that I thought I was ready but in fact am not. He still thought it was something about him in particular (when it was really not) and wanted me to be honest. I ended up re-scheduling when I was ready soon after and few dates later he faded on me. So I guess I felt justified in interrogating him given how patient I was with him pre-first date. And all I got was "I get a sense that it wouldn't work". It just boggles my mind that when a man is done with you, he won't give you a time of day anymore.
pandagirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 A guy is doing the fade on me now. It wouldn't really bother me if his actions were consistent, but they're not. But IMO, a person who can go from hot to cold to lukewarm back to hot and then cold, has other issues that I'd rather not deal with.
runner Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 But IMO, a person who can go from hot to cold to lukewarm back to hot and then cold, has other issues that I'd rather not deal with. this ^ i can understand the sense of closure the OP might get from confronting these guys, but it's ultimately a self-serving waste of time. you're better off taking your story to a trusted friend and getting their outsider perspective on it because at the very least you'll be getting some real honesty. these guys don't really have anything to stop them from feeding you bull**** lines that won't help you get anywhere. secondly it's much more rewarding to focus on remaining consistent within yourself and dismiss the fade guys to a lack of compatibility and just move on.
Intricategirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 A guy is doing the fade on me now. It wouldn't really bother me if his actions were consistent, but they're not. But IMO, a person who can go from hot to cold to lukewarm back to hot and then cold, has other issues that I'd rather not deal with. I had a guy do that to me recently. He kept just enough contact that it kept me going, but not enough for there to be something there. Like I was on the backburner and he was seeing if something better came along. I decided to do myself a favor, and cut off all contact. Since he didn't seem to be able to, I figured I could take the lead. He was a lot of fun when he was in contact, but it wasn't worth the times when he wasn't.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I think confronting them also makes them less likely to come back at some later point. Those guys sometimes consider you again, if their other options don't pan out and the cycle repeats itself. Once you confront them, in a clear and straight forward manner, they think you are too much hassle and usually dissapear forever
SmileFace Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I went on a date with a guy yesterday and he made plans for today with me but has yet to contact me or reply to my text... should I confront him? lol I am not serious about confronting him but all the rest is true
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I went on a date with a guy yesterday and he made plans for today with me but has yet to contact me or reply to my text... should I confront him? lol I am not serious about confronting him but all the rest is true That sort of thing is annoying. I enjoy firm plans, in advance. You should have pinned down time/place yesterday.
SmileFace Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 That sort of thing is annoying. I enjoy firm plans, in advance. You should have pinned down time/place yesterday. We did set firm plans , a time, a place, and the movie we were going to watch. I texted him today and he didn't even reply - we are suppose to meet up in an hour. I am actually really sick of this. However I will not confront. Not because I don't want to know why - it is because it wouldn't matter.
threebyfate Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 People aren't going to be honest: For fear of unnecessary drama.Most people don't enjoy hurting other people's feelings.
tincanman99 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Notice any similarities ? And just like job hunting they will never tell you why you werent chosen . That being said, I recently was going to fade on someone because I was a bit uncomfortable and than she faded on me. Oh well... I have come to the conclusion that the whole fading thing is somewhat inconsiderate as I had my memory refreshed as to what it feels like . Its ok to decide you dont like someone because its all about personal preference but it leaves the other person hanging. Unfortunately having a conversation about it is usually equally as awkward.
LondonS Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I think confronting them also makes them less likely to come back at some later point. Those guys sometimes consider you again, if their other options don't pan out and the cycle repeats itself. Once you confront them, in a clear and straight forward manner, they think you are too much hassle and usually dissapear forever Not really, I was dating someone, he dissapeared for 3 weeks, scared of feelings and what not, I did confront and then went my way....He came back and since has been very affectionate, wants to be with me but I dont feel the same way anymore. We are now friends for over 2-3 months and he always flirts hoping one day I might change my mind
yessy21 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Im freaking honest. i tell it how it is... when i was 14 i told this guy i was dating " its not you its me!" My best friend burst out with laughter and fell down the stairs laughing. after the look on his face... i just told him... "honestly... im embarassed going out with u in public when u eat." after that i just smooth sailed!
Eddie Edirol Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I have lately had number of guys start avoiding me after say 3 or so dates. I used to let these things go but have lately decided to e-mail them and ask why? I am not getting great results. All I got were vague answers like "I get a sense things wouldn't work" etc. I am just trying to learn more about myself that way. I wish someone would give me a really blunt answer ES, I say you keep asking why they are fading out. It doesnt matter if you creep them out, youre notgoing to see them again anyway, so it doesnt matter. You also know that if they have a problem with your appearance, they will never tell you. Men dont worry about a womans feelings, they just know how many women have low self esteem, and they dont want to contribute to someone putting a razor to their wrists because of something he said- especially if its something she cant change. Thats why people dont tell each other why they arent attracted to them, many people dont want to try to change. I wonder what society would be like if everyone was used to bieng told the truth about why they faded?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 Well,he didn't have to tell me that I am too fat. He could have told me there is no spark or something. I even insisted on if the spark is the problem and he claimed that it isn't. I proposed to him that we date casually which was a code for NSA sex. It's just weird because he attempted to have sex with me on our last date - I said no because I wasn't ready at the time. When I proposed casual dating, he said "I am not confident that things would work between us casually". When I asked for clarification, he just said that it's just the sense he gets and there is no reason to give me. Why would any guy refuse NSA arrangement especially when he was really into our make out sessions and it was clear that he was excited enough to have sex? If we had sex, I could understand that maybe sex was bad and that's why he doesn't want it. I am just stumped on this one.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Why would any guy refuse NSA arrangement especially when he was really into our make out sessions and it was clear that he was excited enough to have sex? If we had sex, I could understand that maybe sex was bad and that's why he doesn't want it. I am just stumped on this one. He was horny at the time he tried to have sex with you, but he wouldnt initiate sex with you if he wasnt horny. Not attracted enough to want NSA if he isnt already horny. You definitly dont want NSA with that guy.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I proposed to him that we date casually which was a code for NSA sex. Is he in possession of the proper secret decoder ring? This could be a problem. When I proposed casual dating, he said "I am not confident that things would work between us casually". When I asked for clarification, he just said that it's just the sense he gets and there is no reason to give me. I have no idea, but just maybe he gets the sense that "casual" with you would turn out to not be casual at all. I mean, look. Here you are, posting and being "stumped" about a guy and a relationship that never even took off. Why would any guy refuse NSA arrangement especially when he was really into our make out sessions and it was clear that he was excited enough to have sex? If we had sex, I could understand that maybe sex was bad and that's why he doesn't want it. Come on. You know perfectly well that having ill-advised sex often happens in the heat of the moment when it never would have occurred if the parties involved had been cool headed. He's not making out with you now, and he has thought better about engaging in a sexual relationship (or any other kind) for his own reasons. His reasons can remain his own business. Aren't you dating someone else now, with lots of other prospects on the horizon? Carry on!
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