Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I have lately had number of guys start avoiding me after say 3 or so dates. I used to let these things go but have lately decided to e-mail them and ask why? I am not getting great results. All I got were vague answers like "I get a sense things wouldn't work" etc. I am just trying to learn more about myself that way. I wish someone would give me a really blunt answer
musemaj11 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Maybe they felt that they didnt get the return they wanted from their investment.
Titania22 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I have lately had number of guys start avoiding me after say 3 or so dates. I used to let these things go but have lately decided to e-mail them and ask why? I am not getting great results. All I got were vague answers like "I get a sense things wouldn't work" etc. I am just trying to learn more about myself that way. I wish someone would give me a really blunt answer I know exactly how you feel. I can accept people want to move on, but sometimes it would be nice to know if I did or said something wrong, and what it is, so I could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. However I don't think anyone would give a straight answer. It is one thing to be honest when it isn't a reflection an the other person, but it is hard to be blunt about something that turned us off, especially if we think other people wouldn't mind. I would prefer if guys would be blunt about things, that most guys would mind, because then at least we could reduce our chance of screwing up.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy.
fishtaco Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Why would you even want to do that? All you'll get, even if you get a response, is just a bunch of crappy excuses anyway.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Yeah. I even wish I would get you are too fat or something. It would be so refreshing to get a genuine response.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I even tried to be funny and developed multiple-choice answers. Things like a) there is no spark/attraction etc And the guy came back and said e) none of the above
fishtaco Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I even tried to be funny and developed multiple-choice answers. Things like a) there is no spark/attraction etc And the guy came back and said e) none of the above Wow really? You're putting WAAYY more effort into this than you should. I know why you're doing this, because we're talking about this on a forum, so I just think it's pointless. But to the guy, it could come off as creepy. So I think you should stop.
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I used to be a fader, but I'm not now. Part of the reason, for me, was fear of being nagged / thought less of, but also not knowing how to (a) see my dislikes as being mine, not hers and (b) express this in an honest, straightforward way. A bit of assertiveness training, age and experience later and I am always able to give some explanation as to why I am calling things off. This has included: 1. I don't like the height difference between us 2. I don't find you physically attractive 3. I am depressed 4. I don't like your sense of humour 5. I don't share your sexual preferences 6. I'm multi-dating and am more interested in one of the other women 7. I'm looking for casual sex, not a serious relationship 8. I'm looking for serious relationship, not casual sex Note, these are not all at the same time! They are also from my perspective, and don't judge or value the other person. Straight talking is so much easier than anything else when it comes to relationships.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Wow really? You're putting WAAYY more effort into this than you should. I know why you're doing this, because we're talking about this on a forum, so I just think it's pointless. But to the guy, it could come off as creepy. So I think you should stop. I know....the point is I don't care if those guys think that I am creepy at that point. They are already gone; I am not trying to get them back. I just want to understand why. I certainly didn't act like that when we were dating.
SmileFace Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 1. I don't like the height difference between us . May I please know how tall you are.
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I know....the point is I don't care if those guys think that I am creepy at that point. They are already gone; I am not trying to get them back. I just want to understand why. I certainly didn't act like that when we were dating. How did you feel about these dates?
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 May I please know how tall you are. 6'3" and the woman in question is 5'3"
SmileFace Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 6'3" and the woman in question is 5'3" Oh ok, you usually don't hear that from a guy - so I was just asking.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I used to be a fader, but I'm not now. Part of the reason, for me, was fear of being nagged / thought less of, but also not knowing how to (a) see my dislikes as being mine, not hers and (b) express this in an honest, straightforward way. A bit of assertiveness training, age and experience later and I am always able to give some explanation as to why I am calling things off. This has included: 1. I don't like the height difference between us 2. I don't find you physically attractive 3. I am depressed 4. I don't like your sense of humour 5. I don't share your sexual preferences 6. I'm multi-dating and am more interested in one of the other women 7. I'm looking for casual sex, not a serious relationship 8. I'm looking for serious relationship, not casual sex Note, these are not all at the same time! They are also from my perspective, and don't judge or value the other person. Straight talking is so much easier than anything else when it comes to relationships. See - this would be perfect. I waste lots of time thinking over what I said/did on the last date, what I wore etc etc.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 How did you feel about these dates? Those are the ones that I felt went well and was genuinely puzzled.. Sometimes it's obvious we are not connecting so I know why. Honestly, if someone sent me a multi-choice list like that, I would feel a bit of pity for the person and try my best to explain and help them. Obviously, people are different. This is providing that this person wasn't trying to obsessively contact me and didn't seem creepy in other ways.
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Oh ok, you usually don't hear that from a guy - so I was just asking. No worries!
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Those are the ones that I felt went well and was genuinely puzzled.. Then accepting the mystery is probably what I'd do. Life's too short to be spending it trying.
SmileFace Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 No, it is weird - who wants to pity someone. Sometimes we do want closure but it is only after a few dates, what exactly the point? That person doesn't know enough about you for their answer to justify some wrong in your "dating system". Could you imagine replying to an e-mail like this? "So, if I reacted different in situation B ... would we still be dating" Mhhhmm I may just have too much pride to let some see me so vulnerable for a reply... shrugs
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 There is no point. We all just do stuff. How we find a way to live that makes us happy is, generally, not by trying to figure other people out, but by getting to know ourselves better. Feedback from others tends to reflect more about them than ourselves.
Cee Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Getting constructive feedback to explain the fade is pointless because it's all about the other person and not you. You won't understand their point of view anyway - it's too specific to them. Once a guy explained a fade after he disappeared for a month and in the interim I got a boyfriend. He was offended that I moved on so quickly. His explanations got downright offensive. Over an interchange (over text, not phone) this is what he said... 1) He likes to go slow in a relationship. I responded that it would have been 5 weeks between dates and then he responded, "I didn't notice it was that long." 2) He is very busy, but not too busy to go on a couple of dates with a woman he was also seeing. I have no idea why he brought that up, but that endeared me to him. 3) When he sees a woman, he either likes to give her time or sex. If given his choice, he would take sex over time. (wtf?) I allowed this interchange to go on because it was unbelievable. He never admitted he was chasing me for sex. He insisted he was looking for a relationship. I'm so glad I deleted him as soon as he acted disinterested and moved on. This guy sounds like a piece of work.
EasyHeart Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 This is kind of silly. After 3 dates, neither person owes the other anything, not even an explanation of why they don't want to date any more. If a man asks you on a date and you say "No", do you give him a detailed explanation of why you don't want to go out with him? How would you react if he demanded such an explanation?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 This is kind of silly. After 3 dates, neither person owes the other anything, not even an explanation of why they don't want to date any more. If a man asks you on a date and you say "No", do you give him a detailed explanation of why you don't want to go out with him? How would you react if he demanded such an explanation? Of course they owe me nothing. But if I ask for an explanation, it would be decent to give me one. As for me, if another person asks for an explanation after date 1 even, I do my best to tell them the truth in the nicest way possible.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I actually find it much more creepy when someone keeps calling and texting light hearted messages with no response from me than if they just send a single message asking me straight forwardly what happened.
GivenUp0083 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I would be happy that you just got ANY kind of response. It almost broke me when girls would do the fade and wouldn't even say a word. No goodbye, no thank you but I don't feel it, no NOTHING. Like the earth swallowed them up. At least they said it wasn't there. There's no other reason you need besides "not interested" because you wouldn't want to date someone that wasn't interested in you anyway.
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