Dealing with Bisexual Girlfriend

[Stealthbreed]

Hello all, my names stuart, 20 & im fairly new to this forum and wouldn't mind a bit of advice from you, as i cant deal with this anymore.

 

a bit of background:

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months now, Were kind of long distance because we only see eachother a few days a month each month. I have never had such great feelings for anyone before. Shes just amazing and i feel lucky to have her

 

But anyway, everything was going well until a few weeks ago when my girlfriend came out that she was bisexual to me. I was the first person that she told and she still hasn't told anyone else yet (not even her family). She says that she likes guys and girls 50/50, and no preference. She says that she only looks at the face of girls, never "she has great breasts" or "her backside looks good". But whenever she says "i like girls" or "we" a little part of me dies inside

 

Now i know this seems very childish but i feel very insecure. Im just scarred that she will leave me for a woman. I know thats silly profiling that all bisexuals are 'evil', but i cant help get the feeling out of my head. Part of the insecurity is the fact that i could never do what a woman could do for her as thats not my gender.

 

She has a lot of lesbian mates that have been trying to get her to (in their words) "join the good side, you dont know what your missing". And these stories that my gf has told me just scare the s*** out of me. Im just scarred that my gf will break and actually explore her side. It also scares me that she goes on a lesbian forum where they are trying to turn her their as well (which she has told me)

 

So the bottom line is, i dont know how to cope with my gf being bisexual. I dont want to split up with her because its only ME thats having an issue with this. These forums that she goes on scare me as well because their all trying to break her. BUT she has assured me that she would never cheat, and that its just sexuality. How about if i forget it until it becomes an issue? (like my gf starts flirting with girls ect)

 

So any advice on how to cope with this would be really nice. Sorry if iv come across as quite childish its not my intent. If you want to know anymore that could help please ask.

[Lilmisus]

It's not childish that you feel this way at all, if I were in your position, I'd probably have some insecurity issues as well. But just as if she were completely straight you have to remember the one important thing: She's not cheating on you, and she's WITH you right now. That means that she's choosing you over all these guys AND girls that she's seeing and is finding attractive, which is even bigger than if she were just choosing you over all the guys. What you're saying, is just like saying "My girlfriend like's guys a lot..when will she cheat on me with another one?" Just because she has a preference for both, doesn't mean she'll cheat on you at all, you have to trust her.

 

But you also have to be very supportive of her right now. You're the first person she's come out of the closet to, and there's a reason for that. She trusts you and (I'd assume) loves you enough to tell you something that she hasn't told anyone before. You need to realize that she's the same person that she was when you first started dating eight months ago, but you've just found out way more about her than you did then. If you love her and feel as strongly as you say you do for, you'll stand by her, and hold her hand if she decides to come out to any of her family or friends (but it's completely her decision).

 

Don't worry about what those forums are saying or those people are telling her, if you had anything to worry about, she would have just broken up with you and not confided in you as she did. Like I said, trust her. If you don't think you can do any of this: accept her for who she is and trust that she won't cheat on you or leave you for a woman (which she might do, just as she might leave you for a man), then you need to be completely honest with yourself and her and let her know. Tell her that it's too much for you to handle and comprehend, but you wish her the best.

[TouchedByViolet]

Not good man. I new a girl like this. She ended up leaving her bf for a girl eventually because she felt like she was missing something. Bi-sexual people have to do a lot more exploring sexually and relationship wise to find out who they are most compatible with. Just my observed experiences.

[JVWood]

I am in that situation as you are in right now, except for that I'm the Bi-Sexual one in the relationship, I have not yet told my 1 year long relationship with him that I am one, in fear that he will get like how you are at the moment.

I have a fear that it might slightly start to ruin this great relationship of ours by having many insecurities and thoughts of running away with some other girl.

 

But I agree with Lilmisus' post, it gives me that little bit of confidence in telling my boyfriend that I am a Bi-sexual, 'cause i do love and trust him, and if he really did feel the same way as I do for him. Then I would hope that there wouldn't be any problem 'cause he could do the same for me.

 

As for going on lesbian forums and how they are going to change her, she's already Bi-sexual, they can't change her 'cause she does like girls already, so it wouldn't worry about that at all. As she might feel the need to be surrounded by these people 'cause they wouldn't judge or be close-minded, as what other people might do, as for yourself a little, by thinking Bi-sexuals are all "evil" or would run away with another girl.

 

As what Lilmisus posted, you should just love her the way she is, like you did 8 months ago, nothing's change, she just told you more about her self.

 

Supportiveness and the hope for not ruining the relationship will be what i want if I was to tell him sometime soon.

If you already feel great feelings, she's amazing and lucky to have her, then enjoy it, stop the worrying.

'Cause if I told my boyfriend and he was worrying all the time, I would try for awhile, but if it becomes a constant worrisome thing, I would have to end it and let him go, as heart-breaking as it is, I would rather be with someone who accepts me and not questioning all the time.

Which then assuming that all guys will be like that from then onwards, I probably turn to girls as they are already gay themselves and understands.

 

But I hope for that to not happen as I am happy with him right now.

 

Hope I helped in any way, from a Bi-sexual in the relationship's point of view.

[Mrlonelyone]

As a Bi Guy I am surprised to see that men are as nervous about dating bi women as women are about dating bi men. (For that matter L and G people are also insecure about bisexuals).

 

From the perspective of a Bisexual male I say you should just accept her for who she is. You loved her before, if you truly meant that then this changes nothing. As long as you have an understanding of exclusivity, and she honors that then what's the problem?

 

Is the idea that she might leave you for a woman really that much worse than if she was 100% hetero and left you for a richer, better looking man?

[GivenUp0083]

I don't see you doing this, but if it were me I'd be doing everything I can to encourage her and let me partake in it. If you think she has sexual exploring to do, offer to do it with her. That way she won't feel like she has to "choose" and she can have both a guy and a girl, and you can have 2 girls which is something millions of men would die to experience but probably never will in their lifetime.

[Mrlonelyone]

Speaking as a bisexual that last suggestion would be insulting on many levels. It would be transparently sexual, stereotypical, and wrong to suggest.

 

Being bisexual is about the ability to attract and be attracted to members of both sexes. So she is able to be attracted to both. That does not mean she needs both at the same time.

[JVWood]

I concur with Mrlonelyone, it would be insulting, as I don't feel the need for both sexes at the same time to feel satisfied, I an happy in the current state I am in now, no need for change.

[Stealthbreed]

Thanks for the replys they have been helpful in my quest to deal with this. You are right i should be supporting her, and carry on liking her like i have done for the past 8 months. I wouldnt want something like this to ruin what i have with her. Its just really hard sometimes for my mind not to wander..

 

and yes your right she might feel the need to be around lesbians/ bisexuals on a forum. But theres no need for her to let these people flirt with her, and she shouldn't be flirting back with them. But its just the fact that she comes and tells me when there flirting or when she is flirting, like she's boasting or something.. is just plain wrong and it messes with my head.

I don't really want to say to her "stop flirting wit these people online" because that's too controlling.

 

Take another example: For two months we didnt see each other, and the first few thingns she wanted to do when she got here was to get on that bloody forum and start vid calling them, i mean come on.. we hadn't seen eachother for 2 months and she just cant leave them for five mins... I tihnk she enjoys the being flirted at and flirting. Yes reading this back, it sounds jealous, and i hate myself for thinking like this, what am i? 5 years old?

 

But again your right, if a time comes and she wants to explore her bisexual side, i will encourage her and ask to partake in it.

 

Sorry guys, while im at it i may as well pour all my mind out. I have never been insecure in a relationship like i am now, and this bisexual thing has thrown everything into caos in my mind. I think i just need a few weeks break from thinking about her and everything, chill out....

 

Seriously thanks again for the responses upto now, it means so much, and i do feel better, any more would be appreciated. These problems have only arouse in the past 2 - 3 weeks, apart from that everything has been going so well.

[Sanman]

I don't see you doing this, but if it were me I'd be doing everything I can to encourage her and let me partake in it. If you think she has sexual exploring to do, offer to do it with her. That way she won't feel like she has to "choose" and she can have both a guy and a girl, and you can have 2 girls which is something millions of men would die to experience but probably never will in their lifetime.

 

Having dated two bisexual women, I'm amused by the above notion. Just because she is bisexual does not mean she wants to explore or that she wants to do it with you. In all likelihood, she would meet a lesbian who wants nothing to do with you. Good luck man, I've been there and there is not much you can do but trust her and go along for the ride. Hopefully, it turns out better for you than for I. I have sworn off relationships with bisexual women since. Too complicated.

[GivenUp0083]

Having dated two bisexual women, I'm amused by the above notion. Just because she is bisexual does not mean she wants to explore or that she wants to do it with you. In all likelihood, she would meet a lesbian who wants nothing to do with you. Good luck man, I've been there and there is not much you can do but trust her and go along for the ride. Hopefully, it turns out better for you than for I. I have sworn off relationships with bisexual women since. Too complicated.

 

Well my personal experience has shown otherwise. I've dated two women who were bisexual and they already had, and wanted to have more experiences with both a guy and a girl simultaneously. I didn't mean to assume that was what his GF wanted, I guess that was what he was worried about and I assumed there was reason to it outside of his now obvious paranoia.

 

A lot of peole, not just bisexuals, fantasize about threesomes. I assumed it would be something to explore if he shared the same desires.

 

If you read my first sentence, you'd understand that I didn't see him doing it, it's just what I would offer to do.

 

Be offended all you want.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Stealthbreed and welcome to LS. It's totally understandable to feel as you do. There are lots of considerations, some of which others have already expressed, but the bottom line is that not everyone in your position is the same. We are all one of a kind really and you will have to take stock of who you are to decide what is right for you. I consider myself a "feeler"--in other words a person with intense gut feelings. I know I could not be in a real "love affair" with someone who is bi or gay. Perhaps I could be in a FWB relationship where we understand that it's about just seeing each other for sex and some friendship. But when it comes to real "love'", things are different. I have to trust that my SO feels about me like I feel about her. There can't be any question marks of whether I'm number one or number two. That already happened once and I literally came apart at the seams over it. I can't accept being number two in my serious relationship. If I'm number two, it's just a Fu_k buddy thing or it's over. I feel your pain, brother. If you don't have all that much invested in her, you might want to look elsewhere if you want someone you can be sure will be true to you.

[Stealthbreed]

Thanks for all your repsonces.

I actually feel quite good now, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders:)

 

i feel i can move on and deal with anything that could come up, and deal with this as your right, why be all paranoid?, enjoy the good and now.

 

once again thank you.

[Sanman]

Well my personal experience has shown otherwise. I've dated two women who were bisexual and they already had, and wanted to have more experiences with both a guy and a girl simultaneously. I didn't mean to assume that was what his GF wanted, I guess that was what he was worried about and I assumed there was reason to it outside of his now obvious paranoia.

 

A lot of people, not just bisexuals, fantasize about threesomes. I assumed it would be something to explore if he shared the same desires.

 

If you read my first sentence, you'd understand that I didn't see him doing it, it's just what I would offer to do.

 

Be offended all you want.

 

Who said I was offended? I said I was amused. The only woman that I have known wanting a threesome identifies as hetero. Even then, finding a consistent third is not always an easy thing and just because she wants a threesome does not mean she wants casual sex or a stranger. Just the way it is. I just laughed at the assumption that because she was bisexual was interested in a threesome. Yet, every guy I ever speak to about this who has never been out with a bisexual jumps on the threesome thing and gives me props.

 

A relationship with a bisexual is not always the same as casual fun. Even the term bisexual is a misnomer as their preferences for both sexes runs the gamut from asexuality to polyamory.

[fishtaco]

Why would that be any different than your girl being an attractive heterosexual? Men will be hitting on her all the time, and she could dump you for another guy.

 

It's not like it's okay if she drops you for a guy, but if she drops you for a woman.. oh the humanity!

 

I don't see what the big deal is. If she can't be trusted, she can't be trust, regardless of her sexual orientation. If she's trust worthy, then she's trust worthy.

[Andy_K]

The way to deal with this is to treat her like a normal girlfriend.

 

Part of the insecurity is the fact that i could never do what a woman could do for her as thats not my gender.

 

This works both ways. Most girls don't have a penis so there are things you can do that they never can.

 

Also, why stop at other women being able to do things you can't? If you're going to be insecure about sexual ability, I'm damn sure there are guys out there who are better then you in bed, or can do things with their tongue or hands that you can't, or maybe have a bigger c**k or fitter body.

 

You're afraid of being emasculated by her leaving you for a girl. Man up! This is about your inner confidence, not her bisexuality.

 

 

I've dated bisexual girls in the past. My experience has been that they're no more likely to cheat than anyone else. You just have the added bonus that you can both ogle girls together

 

That said, if I was dating a bi girl I'd probably be okay with her doing things with other girls anyway (but strictly no guys!).

[irc333]

I knew of this one woman, late 30's single mother with 2 young children....I never realized she was BI, until I saw her place a personal ad on a dating site....she indicated she was BI there

 

I wonder if women do this to make them seem more appealing or something.

 

Because this woman was married with children, (divorced now) and every relationship she's been in, was with a guy. Never seen her with a woman.

 

So I tend to wonder about people who call themselves "BI" are even truely bi, and they just put it out there to draw men's attention to them?

[ImaManDammit]

So I tend to wonder about people who call themselves "BI" are even truely bi, and they just put it out there to draw men's attention to them?

 

I tend to agree with you.

 

Of the 8 or 10 Bi women I know, maybe a total number of 2 doesn't have some baggage. Whether its having been abused as a child or have some huge self esteem issues.

 

Of the 2 that were in my opinion really BI, oddly enough they both married women, so even then I wonder if they were actually really Bi.

 

One of the other women was with only other women sexually and said they would never get into a relationship with a woman because she found women annoying. Now tell me that doesn't speak volumes.

 

As my therapist says, if she says bi, say bye-bye and he's gay and says that.

 

So my advice to this guy is, the world of bi-sexuality is alot for someone to comprehend and to deal with, even for the person who is bi-sexual.

 

If you think you don't have the esteem and fortitude to deal. Get out now, as its only going to get worse.

[fishtaco]

Of the 8 or 10 people I know, maybe a total number of 2 doesn't have some baggage.

 

Corrected your quote.

 

Bi or not, you have to check before you get into a relationship. And you're not checking for the lack of baggage. You are checking to see if you can handle each other's baggage; if you could be baggage-compatible.

 

I still think this has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I have seen way too many heterosexual dysfunctional relationships to be convinced otherwise.

[Knittress]

So I tend to wonder about people who call themselves "BI" are even truely bi, and they just put it out there to draw men's attention to them?

 

I think this tends to be the case for really young 'party girls' who are trying to look 'wild.' But that doesn't mean bisexuals don't exist. I think part of the confusion lies in the fact that many people tend to see things in straight-bi-gay terms instead of viewing sexuality as a continuum. The fact that so many bi women end up with men is because a great many bisexuals lean straight, just as many straight people would lean bi were they to be really honest with themselves.

 

I think this graph illustrates this well: http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/index.php/Curves.