Feel like I'm not moving forward...

[maddii]

It's been over 2 months since I last saw him, and I've been NC for 2 months (apart from a 2 day stint where he gave my breadcrumbs, but I ignored him on the 2nd day)

 

I know I've come a long way since it happened, but it feels like I'm not really moving on, I still think about him all the time, and feel as if right now I'm just waiting until we meet again, like right now I need to focus on my career etc, but it's only a matter of time before we bump into each other (not a huge city.. we're bound to cross paths sooner or later, surprised we haven't already) and I feel like something will happen when we do, I know a lot of you will say that's naive and that it won't happen, and even if it did, I doubt it would work right now, but I still can't seem to get the thought out of my head that someday we'll meet again and it will work.. I'm honestly trying, I'm distracting myself with uni/work, but it's always there.. and I have really vivid dreams which he frequents several nights a week, and I wake up feeling like I've just seen him and that everythings okay, which obviously doesn't help, but I can't control that..

 

Does anybody have any help on how to get the notion of it working out from my head, I know all of his bad points, and what went wrong etc, and that right now I need to focus on my career, and he needs to mature, but I can't get it out of my head that we're meant for each other and that the timing was just wrong.. so I feel like I've come quite far, but now I've stopped, and I'm stuck in a rut of basically waiting for him to come back, even though I'm still moving forward with my life..

[radrluv72]

I feel like you & I are in the same place right now. I'm on day 73 of NC with my ex, and just last Friday I stumbled upon him being active on the personals again, just a few weeks before he comes home from Afghanistan. My first inclination was that he's hunting for someone to get his rocks off with for when he gets back, seeing how he's been overseas for over 3 months now, but it still aggravates the hell out of me. He dumped me, and I know that I was probably the best thing that ever happened to him given the history of girls he's dated in the past--or rather, I was probably the most normal girl to happen to him, and it scared the bejeezus out of him. And I loved him, "warts" and all. I'm bitter now, because I was the one who was done wrong, trying to get on with my life and stick my head in my job to help me get past things. I'm mad because he's off talking to someone new off the personals, and I'm still here...alone, sad, and unable to do anything to turn things around with him. And, like you, even though I've tried so much to move on, my heart keeps waiting for him. I don't want to wait for him, but there's this ever-present part of myself that just keeps doing it.

 

Oddly enough, the idea of him sleeping with someone else doesn't even bother me. What bothers me is that I keep running into these things showing me that he's carrying on like business as usual, like the mutual affection we shared with eachother didn't mean squat to him. And that bloody well hurts. Maybe that's the difference between the two of us...I'm mature enough that if I know that I did someone wrong, I carry that with me and if they reach to me one day, I'll reach back. But apparently my ex isn't mature enough to understand or deal with any of that. I'm sure he's carrying his bad feelings and his guilt in his back pocket where he figures he'll never see them. For that reason alone, I wish this part of myself that's hanging on to my love for him would let go. But unfortunately, that part is equally--if not more--stubborn than it's owner.

 

I know how you feel. I just wish I could wake up one day and not remember any of it.

[maddii]

I know exactly how you feel, although I haven't seen mine on personals, he's hanging around with other people etc and acting like he doesn't care because he's too immature to take responsibility, because like you, I was the one done wrong, and I was the one who tried to fix it, he made no attempts and found it easier to just give up, which hurt me, because not only had he led me on, he wasn't the best friend I thought he was, he obviously doesn't care because no matter how much you don't want to deal with a situation, if you cared that much, you would...

 

I'm also the same, if I were to see him with someone else, I guess it would hurt a bit, but then, that person isn't me, and he knows that, and I know that the people he's with at the moment have nothing on the friendship we had, which is my only consolation right now, knowing they aren't better, but then, I don't have better either, so it's hard for me too..

 

I wish I could just switch it all off now, and stop myself waiting for him, I'm scared I won't find somebody again, but then, I still don't want to wait for somebody who I may never be friends with again..

 

Why is it so hard for us to just, move on, people say 'there are plenty of others out there' etc, but it just doesn't feel that way to me, it felt right with him..

[radrluv72]

I know exactly how you feel, although I haven't seen mine on personals, he's hanging around with other people etc and acting like he doesn't care because he's too immature to take responsibility, because like you, I was the one done wrong, and I was the one who tried to fix it, he made no attempts and found it easier to just give up, which hurt me, because not only had he led me on, he wasn't the best friend I thought he was, he obviously doesn't care because no matter how much you don't want to deal with a situation, if you cared that much, you would...

 

I'm also the same, if I were to see him with someone else, I guess it would hurt a bit, but then, that person isn't me, and he knows that, and I know that the people he's with at the moment have nothing on the friendship we had, which is my only consolation right now, knowing they aren't better, but then, I don't have better either, so it's hard for me too..

 

I wish I could just switch it all off now, and stop myself waiting for him, I'm scared I won't find somebody again, but then, I still don't want to wait for somebody who I may never be friends with again..

 

Why is it so hard for us to just, move on, people say 'there are plenty of others out there' etc, but it just doesn't feel that way to me, it felt right with him..

 

My ex's inmmaturity regarding his breaking up with me threw me a hard, unexpected loop, because I could never figure out what flipped the switch so suddenly with him. We clearly cared for eachotherm, and yes, things were right as him...I'd go as far to say they were effortless. A friend of mine, who sugarcoats nothing, told me that despite in how many ways my ex was mature for his age, dealing with his feelings was a matter he couldn't & didn't know how to handle. He was like a limp fish...wouldn't fight, wouldn't argue...just gave up & ran. I always knew deep down there was a part of him that needed to grow up some more, but I never knew it ran that deep.

 

I also get annoyed when people I know say "ah, just forget him". Yes, easier said than done. I wish I could. The week he broke up with me, I wished that I had never met him. The week I implemented NC, I wished the same thing again. In all honestly, would I have traded the experience for something else? No. But are there things I wish I could have done differently? Maybe. In the end, it might not have turned out any differently, and I'll never know that for sure.

 

My friend assured me that one day, sooner or later, it's going to dawn on my ex what he did, and yes, he'll feel like crap. But that doesn't necessarily mean when that moment occurs that he'll be on my doorstep or dialing my number. My own personal experiences have been that exes that I had a true emotional connection with (not necessarily love, but affection) get in contact with me eventually. One ex, with was a month after I left him & then periodically here and there through the years. The other, was just last month after 9 years of him having fallen off the face of the earth. I've accepted that by not dealing with me or what he did is how he deals with it...and again, that's because of the maturity factor. Like all things in life, the things that we choose to ignore because we don't have the emotional capacity to address them do come back to haunt you eventually. AKA, karma, of which I'm a firm believer in.

 

Your ex and my ex aren't necessarily bad people because of how they hurt us. People deep down, are innately good and genuinely don't wish others harm. I know my ex cared. And I know that it was because he cared, that he left me. And there's nothing I can do about it. And that's why I say the idea of him screwing around with a bunch of other girls when he comes home doesn't bother me, because I know what those girls don't know. And I also know (and I know how egotistical this is going to sound but if you knew about my ex's history of gf's compared to myself you'd probably agree) he's not going to find in them what he found in me.

 

...And speaking of immature, I hope the next BF I have makes my ex eat his heart out. And I hope Airbourne Toxic Event's "Somewhere Around Midnight" is playing in the background.

[maddii]

I agree with you completely, with me, he'd led me on for months, then I'm guessing, had commitment issues, as part of his immaturity, and then thats why he found it easier to just get rid of me instead of deal with it..

 

I don't think I ever wished I hadn't met him, as I've learnt a lot, and had a lot of good times, I'm just so sad that it ended like this, and quite abruptly too, and of course, I wouldn't choose to constantly be thinking about someone who hurt me, knowing that I didn't see it coming, so in a way I'm scared I'll find it hard to trust someone's actions if they show they like me in the future..

 

But yeah, mine threw me breadcrumbs on valentines day, of all days, but nothing came of it, I'm guessing at some point maybe he'll realise he was an idiot, but whether that means he'll fix it, I doubt it, he's still as immature as ever and probably never will fix it, its just hard knowing that when I fell for him I hadn't seen how badly he dealt with things, and when I let him lead me on for months I honestly couldn't have believed that he didn't mean it, so that really hurt, because I don't understand why he did it, and I won't ever get a real answer..

 

In a way for me that makes it harder to move on, not knowing what really happened, did he never like me, did he change his mind etc, so I know if I find someone again, I'll be waiting for when they change their mind..

 

I know mine isn't a bad person, I mean, I honestly thought he cared, and that he wouldn't do that, but I know he's not a bad person, just really bad at dealing with things, and unfortunately for me that meant I got hurt..