Leeway Harris Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I'm making an effort to be more open to people, especially women. I've always kept totally to myself, never approaching anyone, never taking a risk, and it's been very lonely. I don't want to be that way anymore. So now I'm consciously trying to have "open" body language, smiling more, even trying to put myself in situations where it might be appropriate to flirt. But I'm starting to realize that all these years, it hasn't just been me closing myself off to the other people in the world. Everybody does it! Or nearly everybody, anyway. People just don't seem to have any desire to connect with strangers, on any level. They keep their eyes and attention completely to themselves, and there's no getting inside those defensive walls. Now I know what I must have looked like all this time. I'm wondering, is this a big city thing? A regional thing? I've lived in the Northeastern U.S. most of my life, and now I live in New York. I seem to remember other places I've lived for brief periods being much more socially fluid than here. How do you open up and be friendly in a place where everybody is so rigidly focused on keeping their distance?
Cee Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 That's a really good question. I live in a big city and I deal with that too. I think in cities we have walls because there is so much stimulation. We need to close off some of the noise. I suggest you find small communities within your big city. Join a group that has a similar interest as you. If you socialize frequently with likeminded people, intimacy will develop. Also, accept invitations from acquaintances to get your foot in the door. If you are known as a person who extends himself to visit with people, you will get more invites. And meet more people.
Author Leeway Harris Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks Cee, I am trying to do that. I just reactivated my meetup.com account, so maybe I'll be joining some groups there soon. I'm not real comfortable hanging out in noisy bars, at least not by myself, so maybe that will be more my speed. I understand why people are like this in big cities. You don't have the luxury of being friendly to everybody, because there are just too many people! So you end up shutting down, which means you have to rely on forced social situations like bars and clubs, or this online stuff.
Intricategirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I gotta admit, I find that odd. When I visited NYC, everyone was so friendly. Complete strangers would strike up conversations about food or a location, and it was great. And no- it had nothing to do with chatting me up. I went when I was married with my now ex-husband, and he was right next to me throughout all these interactions. Now, the midwest has a reputation for being friendly, but I think it's nonsense. You want to feel alone, head to the heartland. Nobody will say a word to you. Just find a group activity you enjoy. I'm really into zombie movies, and meetup with a group where we talk about all things zombie related. There's a few cute guys in there, but even if that doesn't pan out, I've become really good friends with some of the girls in there. They may know a single guy that they think would be perfect for me, and set us up. And even if none of that happens, I'm busy having so much fun that I don't care.
Emilia Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks Cee, I am trying to do that. I just reactivated my meetup.com account, so maybe I'll be joining some groups there soon. I'm not real comfortable hanging out in noisy bars, at least not by myself, so maybe that will be more my speed. I've just joined a surf meetup group here in London and I'm busy about 3 out of 4 weekends with them Friday - Sunday plus the other stuff that comes from meeting new people. Meetup has worked very well for me, fingers crossed it works for you too.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Intricategirl... those friendly people were very likely to have been tourist from smaller towns. New Yorkers are notoriously standoffish. Here in Chicago in general people are more friendly. We talk to eachother ask how your doing and actually say more than fine. It's not unusual for everyone to be one or two degrees of separation from everyone else because we are so friendly. Compared to other big cities Chicago is very friendly. Now in a smaller city or town it's a totally different social world. Everyone literally knows everyone else who's been there for more than a couple years. If you have had three or four SO's and your friends have had three or four SO's chances are you have all dated and had sex with the same people. You end up marrying the ex GF of your best friend in Highschool and such. Everyone knows everyone's dirt. Which in my experience made everyone be real friendly with eachother.
Intricategirl Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 MrLonelyOne, we've had such different experiences all across the board!! That's what I had heard about NYC before I went, but it wasn't my experience. I remember 2 people in particular- one was a businessman who didn't live there, but had in the past. The other was a local New Yorker, out having lunch. And I've had completely different experiences with Chicago. It's one of my least favorite cities, to be honest, because everywhere you go, it feels like someone's trying to run a scam on you. On at least three different occasions, I came home angry and grouchy from my trip there. And the small towns- I've found that what you said is true, except that they hold it against you. When I lived in a town of about 135 people for 8 years, it felt really fake because everyone was only being nice so you wouldn't spill their dirt. The only exception was a sweet 108 year old woman that lived across the street, had been born in my house and moved across the street when she got married. She didn't have time left for the BS, so she baked cookies instead. lol
Mrlonelyone Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 And I've had completely different experiences with Chicago. It's one of my least favorite cities, to be honest, because everywhere you go, it feels like someone's trying to run a scam on you. On at least three different occasions, I came home angry and grouchy from my trip there. Again in NYC it's very likely you were interacting with tourist or people who make their money off tourist. I went on a greyline tour bus with a group from Chicago. The tour guide leveled with us big city person to big city person.... Lower Manhattan is not the real New York. "It's all condo's and Starbucks". As for Chicago what can I say... That's why we call it "The county of C®ook". Frank Sinatra agree's with me about Chicago though.
Author Leeway Harris Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 It's true, things are different when you're in "tourist mode" vs. everyday life. Emilia, that sounds encouraging. As a side note, I didn't even know you could surf in England!
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