PumaGK Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 We both are in the 30 - 35 range ..... About nine months ago I met a woman and fell in love. It was truly love at first sight. A week after meeting her we were a couple and everything was perfect. She has two wonderful children that I fell in love with as well. From day one I told her to have patience with me because it is very important to me finish my masters and to slowly adjust my son to a new family (he only has know of me and his mom). Our relationship was full of love and care and I really thought this was my life partner. I would have proposed to her by the end of the year. She wanted to take the next step, do more family things together and for me to even move in and be there every night. I always calmly explained that I wanted to do the same thing but I need to finish my last two semesters of school and I wanted to continue to adjust my son slowly into this new family. Two weekends ago the pressure got to me and I broke up with her. I immediately regreted this decision and contacted her two days later and she agreed to go out with me that weekend. That weekend went perfect! We had two great nights of adult time and then on Sunday I brought my son over to her house to celebrate his birthday. Everything went perfect, it was a great family atmosphere. Two days after that weekend she broke up with me and said she just cant get her heart and head into us again. She just doesn't have the energy fo it anymore. She broke up with me, I accepted it and told her I'm truly sorry and sad about her decision and to take care of herself and children. The only contact we have had was a text yesterday that she needed her stuff back and I told her I'll mail it to her. Her response was, "Ok, thanks." Later that evening I initiated a text about exactly what she is feeling and if there is any chance of working things out --- We exchanged text back and forth and to sum it all up she said she wants to be with me and that she loves our time together but gets so frustrated when we are not together. She said it is time that we go our seperate ways or we r full on. She said she is not going anywhere but needs time to process everything. When we finishing text she did say night with a smiley face ..... I am 50/50 in what her decision will be.... I miss her so much and truly feel she is the one. I know things would have been wonderful with just a little more patience. What do I do? Do I just leave her alone and if its meant to be, she will contact me? We did have plans before the break up of going to a couple concerts later this week and out of town in a couple weeks. I want to share these things with her... What do I do? Just leave her alone now and let her make the next move ... How long should I wait? Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated ..... I am really hurting, I feel like a highschool kid with this hurt feeling ....
Mcnulty Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Firstly, I wouldn't contact her about the future plans you have made...give her space. I don't think she's been very understanding re. your son and your masters. She wanted to run before you could walk, wanting you to move in, you were totally upfront with her about taking things slow...it seems if she doesn't get her way, she's not happy! Just give it a little time, couple of weeks maybe and then contact her and see where you are both at. Your son comes first, you made the effort of taking him over and into their lives, now she doesn't know whether she has the energy for it...it's not just about you 2, there's kids to think of here...her's included.
Trovador Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Everything is been going too fast... 9 months? I don't like ultimatums, less of all if I took pains to explain (and showed) that there are some inconveniences in the way... I don't know why is all that pressure and urgency... if anything, you two should take it slow because there are kids in the picture... No, man, I don't buy her reasons...
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 My gut instinct is not computing this story and says she is potentially a bit of a 'bunny boiler' and she may well be playing games here to provoke a reaction. If you're a man that likes personal space I would be very wary of this woman.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I dont know how to feel about this...from everything Im reading, I do agree with the other posters on how to handle this. From personal experience though, if it were me Id probably react the same way she did. Reason being, with my ex, he kept asking for patience, and I gave it to him...he always set a time frame...after he was done with a certain project, then another project that would come up, then a certain goal he needed to reach, etc etc etc. Two years past with me still being patient when he asked for another year. So yeah, in another situation like that, I probably would do the same thing with the thinking..when you are ready I am right here because I am looking forward to a life with you, but in the meantime, I not going to put my life on hold. Thats different from a "its now or never" ultimatum...its more like a, I understand you need to look out for you, understand I have to look out for me too situation. So anyway yeah, thats why I can see this side, because all you need was for her to be patient until youre ready to move forward, but if shes had any sort of experience like what I did, she may be doing whats right for her, as she feels she has just as much a right to her needs as well.
heartshaped Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 It sounds like your wants and needs are different. I understand where she is coming from she feels like that if you love her so much and want to be with her as much as she wants to be with you then the relationship should be progressing. In her opinion, it isn't. I also understand you wanting to finish your degree and take things slowly because of your son. Both of your feelings are valid, but whether this is something that can be compromised on it's hard to say. In the end, you might just not be in the same places.
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I just want to reiterate after seeing these last 2 posts that your main reason for pacing the relationship is that you are bettering yourself as an individual; if a woman cannot understand that, then find one with the intelligence that does. There is always such a rush with these things and it comes down to pure fear and insecurity.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I dont know..I dont think that is fear or insecurity. She has as much right to value her needs as he does to value his. Yes he is in school and bettering himself, he has a clear goal which is excellent. But that doesnt mean his needs are more important and better than hers, so only his count. As wonderful as the times are when they are together, they are not in the same place of life, looking for the same things, or willing to make any compromises for each other. Shes not at a place of her life where shes willing to wait for him, and hes not at a place of his life where hes ready to move forward with her. Personally, I dont think either is wrong or right for that...just incompatible.
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I dont know..I dont think that is fear or insecurity. She has as much right to value her needs as he does to value his. Yes he is in school and bettering himself, he has a clear goal which is excellent. But that doesnt mean his needs are more important and better than hers, so only his count. As wonderful as the times are when they are together, they are not in the same place of life, looking for the same things, or willing to make any compromises for each other. Shes not at a place of her life where shes willing to wait for him, and hes not at a place of his life where hes ready to move forward with her. Personally, I dont think either is wrong or right for that...just incompatible. What is she waiting for exactly - to be able to chain him in her basement so he never goes out? The woman is saying it hurts when she can't see him, so instead pushes him away forever? It is illogical and I don't buy it. Love is about respect and support as much as anything else and frankly there isn't much of that, just these imaginary 'needs' based on her needing constant reassurance.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) What is she waiting for exactly - to be able to chain him in her basement so he never goes out? The woman is saying it hurts when she can't see him, so instead pushes him away forever? It is illogical and I don't buy it. Love is about respect and support as much as anything else and frankly there isn't much of that, just these imaginary 'needs' based on her needing constant reassurance. I would venture to guess its not as drastic as chains in her basement, he didnt give me the impression hes scared of being trapped with her or that shes obsessive like that... I dont know her or her position well enough to judge, agree or argue with her needs just being imaginary, though it doesnt seem hes devaluing her needs as you are..hes acknowledged them and I got the jist that he really does like her and being with her...its just that his desire to finish school is keeping him from being able to move forward with her right now. Like I said, from what he describes, it would seem they are just not compatible at this stage of their lives Edited March 15, 2011 by ReturnToSender
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I would venture to guess its not as drastic as chains in her basement, he didnt give me the impression hes scared of being trapped with her or that shes obsessive like that... I dont know her or her position well enough to judge, agree or argue with her needs just being imaginary, though it doesnt seem hes devaluing her needs as you are..hes acknowledged them and I got the jist that he really does like her and being with her...its just that his desire to finish school is keeping him from being able to move forward with her right now. Like I said, from what he describes, it would seem they are just not compatible at this stage of their lives Ha, so you admit he IS valuing her needs? Which may indicate she is not valuing his then? I don't know anymore than you. But I do know that if love is patient and less selfish it usually works out.
ReturnToSender Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Ha, so you admit he IS valuing her needs? Which may indicate she is not valuing his then? I don't know anymore than you. But I do know that if love is patient and less selfish it usually works out. Yes, definitely I think he places value on her needs..I didnt get the vibe he was mocking her for them. But that in no way indicates her not valuing his..Im sure she does as well. But valuing and acknowledging someones needs doesnt equate to giving up on your own needs. Many couples make it work through compromise (something I think in addition to what you listed, is also a virtue of love) As for things working out if love is patient and less selfish, dont know about usually. Its not an unusual story, for a woman to support and take care of her man while hes in school or working on his career with the promise that one day it will all be worth it and she will get the ring, or theyll finally have kids...but then once hes graduated and lands a job, or makes it in his career, he leaves the woman who was there for him, supported him and patient through the hard times all those years, to be with someone else instead. He got his needs fulfilled, and shes not any closer to hers than she was when she met him. Putting aside or forgetting your needs so that a partner can take care of theirs is a risk, some are willing to take it, others not. Sometimes its worth it, sometimes not. There just are no guarantees in this life.
Renewed Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I once loved a man so much and our world was perfect and he broke up with me because he felt pressured. It hurt me to my soul. I immediately put up a wall and would not let him back in when he asked me to. If everything was a great as you said it was and everything was going smoothly I don't understand why you would not just talk to her about your feelings instead you break up with her. I can understand why she wouldn't want you back. When there are kids in a situation and if her kids loved you like you loved them not only are you breaking up with her but you are breaking up with the kids as well. She has more to think about besides her well being she also has their well being to think about as well.
Beeotch Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) You were perfectly reasonable with her. She knew beforehand you wanted to finish school and also acclimate your son. Those are very good, respectable things that you stated beforehand. You felt pressured, she feels frustrated and it is no one's "fault" per se. I suppose though this is where you can question whether or not this is just a minor obstacle to be overcome or a deal breaker? Sometimes people break up wrongly for things that are fixable and sometimes things break because it is truly broken. Often we wanna chase down our former lover after a break up when what we need is to take this time to truly introspect and evaluate. Maybe you're being given the chance to see some red flags about the level of her understanding, selfishness, etc. I think it is a perfect time to evaluate your relationship on a whole. I do strongly believe that if it is meant to be the opportunity will come around again. I would express my desire to try again, explain how I feel with regards to pressure and ask her ultimately what she wants to do. I don't think you should give her an ultimatum but waiting indefinitely is the worst thing! So I would just ask her whether or not she thinks it is reasonable to try again, explain that you will give her space to think about it but that you don't want to wait indefinitely and if after (a month) or w/e time you choose...she doesn't know then you'll just go your separate ways and wait for the Universe to bring it back around if anything. Edited March 15, 2011 by Beeotch
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Sorry if I'm going to start shaking people soon but why can you both not carry on dating and having fun, enjoying each others company until you finish your schooling? Returntosender - I found your last post to be very morose. I am interested how you think he can compromise here with such commitments?
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Sorry if I'm going to start shaking people soon but why can you both not carry on dating and having fun, enjoying each others company until you finish your schooling? Returntosender - I found your last post to be very morose. I am interested how you think he can compromise here with such commitments? Awe I didnt meant for that... really just saying its all a risk. You put your heart, effort, feelings everything on the line in love...you make yourself vulnerable to make it work. Thats why it hurts so much if for whatever reason it doesnt work...equally thats why its so wonderful and worth the risk when it is working. I do agree though, that it would be great if they, or rather she could just relax and enjoy each others company for the time being. To me, 8 months really isnt that long...especially for having kids involved. At that time, my daughter, ex and I were just then starting to do things as a family...I took a good amount of time to get to know him on a one on one basis before getting kiddo involved. Puma, I do think you should get in touch with her, and really need to talk abou this....make it clear to her how you feel about her and want to be in this relationship, but need to take things slow, and that the relationship is not going to progress further until he finishes school. At 2 semesters, thats not at all that long to have to wait really, but if shes not willing to, thats her choice. Also, I have the feeling considering how you talk about your relationship and the good times, that she would feel the same way, and probably has those concerts on her mind too. Even if you dont conctact her first, Id bet she would contact you, out of not wanting to miss out on something both of you were looking foward to doing together. So I think she will be really receptive to talking to you, even if to get things back on track and be in each others company again. You never know....
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Well that is a little clearer returntosender, BUT I am still warning the OP not to leave his bunny rabbit lying around!!
ReturnToSender Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Well that is a little clearer returntosender, BUT I am still warning the OP not to leave his bunny rabbit lying around!! Lmao! Fair enough
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Lmao! Fair enough Hey i'm known for being right round this here parts!! Good advice you gave though, he's gotta give it one more shot outlining it to her.
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