Author Anna86 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Hey everyone!! I have to say THANK YOU so much for your honest and realistic responses!! You have saved me from extra agony!! I was just so tempted to call him there and ask why he never wrote back to my email...But I decided after reading these comments to RESPECT myself!! I don't want to give him the satisfaction of me chasing him....I think a part of him must like the fact that he knows I am there if he needs some 'company' which is why he has never once told me to 'go away' and he still can't admit he has been with another girl...I won't be his last chance back up..... I utterly agree it is about the chase. It feels like I have to win in back. I don't want him back, but I want to get him back. I always enjoyed the chase. It is a huge challenge for me. I guess I can't find enough stimulation in my life right now. No other guy I have met since we broke up has made me feel 'wow' I have to get to know you'. The same thing happened with my last ex. When we broke up I felt like I had to make him love me all over again. I never ever thought about that Deeplover. You have shed a lot of light on this for me........ I just moved to a new city and I don't know many people yet, so I do find I can feel a little isolated which is why I think about my ex. I get bored and lonely and he pops into my mind. How can I get more stimulation in my life? I am a huge people person and I go crazy left to myself. I make new friends but they can't be there EVERY night....Its these nights in that I think of him. He is exciting!!! Like a drug......I have FINALLY figured this out. Thank you sooo much!!!
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hey everyone!! I have to say THANK YOU so much for your honest and realistic responses!! You have saved me from extra agony!! I was just so tempted to call him there and ask why he never wrote back to my email...But I decided after reading these comments to RESPECT myself!! I don't want to give him the satisfaction of me chasing him....I think a part of him must like the fact that he knows I am there if he needs some 'company' which is why he has never once told me to 'go away' and he still can't admit he has been with another girl...I won't be his last chance back up..... I utterly agree it is about the chase. It feels like I have to win in back. I don't want him back, but I want to get him back. I always enjoyed the chase. It is a huge challenge for me. I guess I can't find enough stimulation in my life right now. No other guy I have met since we broke up has made me feel 'wow' I have to get to know you'. The same thing happened with my last ex. When we broke up I felt like I had to make him love me all over again. I never ever thought about that Deeplover. You have shed a lot of light on this for me........ I just moved to a new city and I don't know many people yet, so I do find I can feel a little isolated which is why I think about my ex. I get bored and lonely and he pops into my mind. How can I get more stimulation in my life? I am a huge people person and I go crazy left to myself. I make new friends but they can't be there EVERY night....Its these nights in that I think of him. He is exciting!!! Like a drug......I have FINALLY figured this out. Thank you sooo much!!! I sat opposite my ex last Friday in the restuarant and I looked at him and in my mind realised 'at some point I am going to have to quit/give you up in the same way I had to beat alcohol' and it will be very tough. At the moment I know he will be available to me again in a few weeks or so, but at some point I am going to have to say NO MORE. It is a very complicated decision at what point that is made, especially when like you said you're sitting around needing a quick fix. I suddenly recongnised the compulsion to reach out to devour him is very similar to the way I would down a drink to temporarily make life better. Now you have identified something similar with yourself, I expect you'll find better solutions as you strike me as being very intelligent. You have the brain power, just devise the plans.
Yelle Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 He's not worth your time. I'm glad you realized that you are better off!
Author Anna86 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Thank you, I do KNOW I am better off.....But, sometimes a crazy person hijacks my brain and makes me think that I should be with him. Right now, I have a moment of clarity!! I just hope it sticks!! I will read these posts again anytime I have a moment of weakness...and I would suggest anyone who has been in a similar situation to learn from my mistakes!! Trust me, he said ALL the right things, acted so sweet, told me he loved me, wanted to take me out for dinner...all after he broke up. Never once, did he say he wanted me back.....So ladies (and men) if your ex leads you on in this way?? Ignore it....as it will only pull you in more!!! Our exes are ALL capable of saying 'I regret breaking up, lets start over'..How many actually do??? Instead, they lead you on without ever telling you they want you back. It's because they don't. It doesn't mean they never will, but at this point they don't....... Check out this article, it will really makes me understand why so many smart people still fall back on exes.......I do think love can be an addiction. We always want that same buzz we had before. Sadly, like other addictions we never get it back again http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article1083094.ece
Rose T Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Thank you, I do KNOW I am better off.....But, sometimes a crazy person hijacks my brain and makes me think that I should be with him. Right now, I have a moment of clarity!! I just hope it sticks!! I will read these posts again anytime I have a moment of weakness...and I would suggest anyone who has been in a similar situation to learn from my mistakes!! Trust me, he said ALL the right things, acted so sweet, told me he loved me, wanted to take me out for dinner...all after he broke up. Never once, did he say he wanted me back.....So ladies (and men) if your ex leads you on in this way?? Ignore it....as it will only pull you in more!!! Our exes are ALL capable of saying 'I regret breaking up, lets start over'..How many actually do??? Instead, they lead you on without ever telling you they want you back. It's because they don't. It doesn't mean they never will, but at this point they don't....... Check out this article, it will really makes me understand why so many smart people still fall back on exes.......I do think love can be an addiction. We always want that same buzz we had before. Sadly, like other addictions we never get it back again http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article1083094.ece Great article. It actually made me feel a bit guilty reading it, although I'm nowhere near as tragic as that, lol!! I'm having a good day too, Anna. Met some new people last night and I'm actually enjoying my single routine, with no-one to answer to. I really hope this is a turning point for you and so many other people on these boards. No looking back.
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 The single life rocks and I mean that completely. I am so much a more whole and happier person now than I was in my relationships.
Author Anna86 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 I know, single life rocks!!!! I just can't wait to get into it again like I used to as I had fun...and be free of heartbreak!! So I have been talking to two guys tonight...and I already feel a lot better. I guess that one is SUPER hot and I was so scared talking to him..... Nothing will come out of it I am sure, but I guess I am flattered that he showed an interest in me. Hahaha, my ex probably got over me this way, by talking to girls much hotter than me! It kind of boosts your ego....Not that I even have an ego, thanks to my ex it is pretty much destroyed. He never ever once called me anything other than beautiful, but when someone breaks up with you I guess you see yourself as ugly. My ex was my first REAL love, my first long term relationship, and the first guy I ever had a real sexual relationship with. We traveled around the world and he was the first man I ever let into my heart. Do you guys think this is why it is extra hard to get over him? He has been in love before me at least once. Plus, he has has a few long term relationships. I wonder if this is part of how it ended with him understanding life goes on after love and me stuck in the moment of it still. Unable to let it go.
Yelle Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 That's how I used to feel about my first boyfriend, he was also my first love and my first long term relationship. I was heartbroken when the relationship ended, but the breakup happened for a reason. It will take time to heal and move on, but kudos to you for getting out there and meeting new people. You will enjoy the single life. You have the opportunity to meet and date different people, find out what you like and what you don't like and hopefully this will help you see what you want in a future relationship. Go on with your bad self.
Bluebelle38 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Glad you are thinking a long the right lines Anna Great advice on here for you. Sincereonlineguy - stoned? Oh please. Hardly. It was quite obvious to me what you implied in your post : "Sex, particularly for women, is largely about BEING/FEELING COMFORTABLE with yourself and your surroundings. Why shouldn't you take some enjoyment from a sexually intimate environment which you know and were content with for a long while?? Contrast that with the vision of your going out and meeting even the hottest, most desirable guy at some night club, and bringing him home... and feeling awkward and self-conscious and (everything you can think of to ruin a fun roll in the hay) With your ex, you are comfortable... and not only is that best for you, but it is one of the most desirable elements of a woman's sexuality, when seen through the eyes of men. " The implication to me was that the Op was better to have sex with an ex than some randomer and I think that is ludicrous. Feel free to reply to this, but i think your post is short-sighted in the extreme - not to mention juvenile and potentially very destructive to someone who is still in love with a man that sees her as a back-up booty/call. Apologies Anna for taking this off topic, but I felt a need to reply to the 'stoned' comment. Very weak come-back.
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Anna just enjoy yourself, go with what feels right and if for now it's hot men that have a nibble on them! Just don't become emotionally embroiled with them because very soon you'll crash. You seem a similar character to me so have fun chasing these hotties down.
Author Anna86 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Bluebell------I love your advice, you seem level headed and real!! Not stoned!! Like sincere guy, I do think that if there are no feelings involved that sex with an ex is no worse than with a stranger. In my case, it worked out great for him as he has no feelings for me. But for me, it was like playing with fire..........So bluebell, you are right!! It was self destructive!! Emotional suicide to say the least!! Being someones booty call, when u have feelings for them has to be the most degrading thing ever. Depplover----I like how you seem so strong and honest with your opinions. I appreciate all your advice and I feel I can learn from you all. I can't thank you enough for pointing out the whole 'challenge' of getting my ex back. I should set up a new challenge, one that I actually have a chance at!! I will have to see him this weekend. There is NO other way around it. There is a big event on Saturday that all my friends are going too....I wouldn't miss it for the world. HE will be there which pisses me off so much but I am not going to avoid it. I emailed him telling him that I couldn't do the whole 'benefits' thing as I felt like he has no respect for me. I also told him there were many other girls willing to sleep with him and I am not going to be part of that. So, he NEVER responded which is weird........ I emailed him just there to say basically I want things to be cool between us. I don't want to avoid him like the plague and I want to enjoy myself and it will be awkward for me and everyone if he continues to ignore me. I told him I hold no grudge and want to move on. I hope he writes back as I will feel so upset if he doesn't as it will spoil my entire day having to avoid him. I just want to have fun and maybe meet a new boy!!! Did I do the right thing emailing him? I also texted him but he never once responded....Not like him!!! If I was never going to see him again I would just leave it and go NC!! Thank you all so much for your comments, you have ALL really helped me and made me see the light!!! I feel happy today!!!
depplover_1980 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Right project! We need to discuss the outfit for the night! What are you wearing, what jewellery, how are you doing your hair?? There is a project to keep you occupied for the next few days at least. You do need to set yourself reasonable and realistic challenges, that I agree. In order to forget about my commitment phobe knobber I set personal fitness, diet, creative and social parameters - aim to better myself in certain areas. I even set myself an orgasm challenge during my self loving, like 5 orgasms. Stay focused. You are going to have a great time at this party, but you need to seriously watch your alcohol intake - do you drink much, is there any chance you can go and have fun sober? This way you will be in charge of your emotions at all times, infact the more I type the stronger my gut says that you musn't drink. There is every chance he will be trying it on with you, telling you stuff while he is under the influence and you need to be ready for him - to be in control to go back to your friends, stick with them, live and laugh.
Yelle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Anna86, you have so much potential. Don't let him get you down, just think of this experience of a lesson and you will know not to go the same route again.
Author Anna86 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Hey guys!! Wow, thank you soooo much for your comments!! what a difference venting on this site makes for my own sanity!! Plus, to get such good advice is making my life easier......I feel if I have a melt down I will come here again and read the supportive comments!! Depplover, I like your suggestion!! I have not even thought about what I will wear on Saturday... i guess I am really not thinking of myself anymore!! But I will get onto that!! Has it helping yourself helped you move on? I bet it does, I bet that is the secret we all miss............ Tonight is HARD!!! My ex is out with all my freinds, some event thing is on. The thoughts of him having fun/drinking/flirting with girls while out with my friends is a lot to have to deal with. I guess I was always there up to a few months ago so it is hard to accept that I can't be a part of it anymore... He replied to may mail, basically just all like 'hey, ya everythings cool, just relax, and blah blah blah''...He was too busy to wb sooner. Yet, another hint I should take! Depplover, I really don't want to drink on Saturday but I know I will have a few!! Its awful, as I am such an honest person and can't hide my feelings when sober that its even worse after a few...but I will take your advice and steer clear of too much. Haha, he will only show interest if there are no other girls following him around. Plus, I told him I didn't want FWB and he would be a complete assho## if he got me to go home with him........I always think 'phew, this is it, finally over'..then somehow I fall back into the lions pit again. I pray that some guy will hold my attention on Saturday, I think that is the only way the night won't end in disaster!!
depplover_1980 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Hmmm Anna, don't be naive to how interested he'll suddenly become in you if you do a good job of ignoring him and focusing on your own night; at the moment he is in control, I suspect the minute he starts to lose control and you're having a great time without him - is the moment he'll step back up just to prove to himself he can have you. It sounds like me and my ex, we are both hunters. So be very aware of this and pretend you are a confident leading lady all night! It is essential you give the outfit serious thought, you need to look real sexy but classy - a powerful impression type look.
Author Anna86 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Depplover, I followed your advice and got all dressed up!! I got many compliments so I was happy I had a fantastic time last night, met some new people, had a bit of flirting with new guys!! It was good. A few guys asked me for my number!! I felt good finally. BUT, my ex was there...It didn't seem strange or awkward. We spoke together and had fun. Anyway, one thing led to another., I was quite drunk and we were flirting at the bar.....in front of all my friends...How humiliating!! I must have looked so desperate. What makes it worse is that I was hanging out with some guy I knew all night and then my ex came along and the guy I know left as he said I was too preoccupied by my ex. I just can't stop myself. My ex has me when he looks at me.....He literally can control what I do. I feel like I lose all my common sense and dignity around him. I don't follow good advice when he looks at me. We went home together, I cried during sex as it is clear to me that Ilove him. I don't mean to love him, but I do. I thought I didn't love him, but I feel myself falling back into love and its hitting hard and fast. Wow, this will hurt when he gets a new girlfriend. I am really finding it hard to say goodbye even though he has said goodbye to me. I wish he would just be harsh and man up and tell me to get lost. I woke up feeling good because he was next to me. I love waking up next to him. I am sad waking up alone. I don't want any other man. Only him. He doesn't feel that way. I know what I did was terrible, and I followed all your advice, and I know right from wrong. Trust me, I could write a book on how to get over an ex, but the truth is I wouldn't be able to take my own advice. I know all the things you should do. BUt I am too impulsive and I think with my heart, not my head. I am not stupid, just unable to resist him!! Anyway, TONIGHT I am going on a date with a new guy!! Its strange, I don't have any feelings for him as I don't know him that well, but I think that doing this will help me move on. However, I am worried it will make me love my ex more. I feel really scared. He is a new guy., Not my ex. What if it feels strange? I am not attracted to him, I just want to hang out with him. I can't even imagine kissing a new guy. It makes me feel ill. I guess these are normal feelings. I am in love, and I want to be loved and cared for back........I know its not possible, but I really want it.
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