Am I crazy...fling with ex

[Anna86]

I have posted here a few times about my breakup! Basically, my ex broke up with me 2 months ago. He told me he wants to be single again and be independent. I admit, our relationship was a bit intense as neither of us got much space so I actually think the break up was a good thing as I need time to myself.

 

Anyway, I have decided to remain friends with him. Not sure if it is a good idea. He has denied the fact that he was seeing another girl even though I have found out that something was going on between them. I told him MANY times that he just needs to come clean and admit it as we can be friends and I just want the truth. I still haven't got it.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we started hanging out this weekend. I went to his house to collect things. He kissed me and we made out. I just fell for it. I guess I was surprised as I NEVER saw it happening. I convinced myself never to give him the satisfaction of my body again and some crazy person took over my body. I have no idea why I enjoyed it!! I feel a little sick with myself:(. Anyway, he said that we should do it again and anytime I felt 'lonely' to call him and he would call over. He calls me and emails me quite often and since we slept together he has contacted me. However, not once has he said he loves me and wants to get back. I don't want a FWB thing, but at the same time I miss intimacy and it made me feel good. I know, I am an idiot and will probably live to regret it.

 

I find it hard to hate him, as even my friends don't think he done anything wrong during our break up and after our break up. So they tell me I have no right to hate him and to hold a gridge.

 

I know how this looks, and if I read this I would think I am crazy and a sucker for a fool. I just missed intimacy and I missed him. I guess a huge part of me did it to show him what he is missing. I done things I never ever done during our relationship and he was quite surprised. I told him that it meant nothing. I said I was over him and just done it because I felt like it. I wanted to do it to him, act like the better person and then walk away. That is my plan now. I plan on never giving him my body again and he doesn't know this. I want to make him think he has a chance and then reject him. Maybe it is some crazy revenge tactic or I am really not over him even though I convince myself daily that I am.

 

Am I being an idiot? Am I setting myself up for a huge fall!! I need advice!! I know I am naive and clearly I think too highly of him. So nobody needs to convince me of that. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

[Bluebelle38]

Yes, you are being an idiot. he does not want to get back with you but he wants a booty call till he finds another full-time girlfriend.

 

Who cares what your friends think. You said yourself you think something was going on with another girl. You are entitled to feel whatever you want.

 

In facr, his 'lonely' call makes him sound like a real user and very sleazy. He knows you are vulnerable at the moment and he is exploiting it.

 

Forget him, go find a new guy that actually cares about your emotional well-being.

[Anna86]

I know, you are right, he is exploiting me and I guess taking advantage of my naive nature. But I allowed him too so its just as much my fault. I told him during the time that it was 'just sex' and that I have no feelings for him. I did feel that way at the time but now I feel weirded out by it. I told him that if he is with someone else that this will never happen again.

 

I guess I am so confused, we had such fun together that night and we were totally cool being around one another in a group setting. It was the first time we all hung out and then that happened when we went home together.

 

I find it so hard to believe my wonderful ex boyfriend would use me in that way. I guess I can never ever judge or trust a man again. No matter how honest and genuine he is I will always expect him to do this. He always told me how much he valued sex with someone he loved and how you should only have sex with someone you are with. He said he never had sex outside a relationship before so this is why I trusted him as he doesn't sleep around.

 

Maybe he is just a big bad liar. So what should I do? Should I start NC or explain how I feel to him.

[uncool]

I want to make him think he has a chance and then reject him

he's not yours to reject ..you could be the one getting hurt.

 

He has casanova like confidence and therefore might be tougher to hurt than you think. No wonder you can't get over him.

He obviously likes you for more than just a booty call or he wouldn't keep calling you and texting you. You're right that your separation is good. It's giving you both a chance to see what you want. Have you considered going back to him?

[Anna86]

I know that he does care about me but he really doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. He really didn't want to break my heart and done everything he could to help me during the break up. He always called me, emailed me and never once ignored me during the break up. I can't hate him for breaking up and realise that all good things come to an end. He wanted to be single and experience other things in life and have his fun, without me. I know he had a thing for some other women which I found weird as he really doesn't seem the sleazy type. I know he cares about me as a friend. So why exploit me in such a way?????

 

I feel terrible. Really terrible and foolish. I was just getting over him!! I was a couple of weeks short of moving on. I finally felt happy in myself and confident and secure. I felt strong and happy and had so much fun with all our mutual friends. Its like he could sense it so I suddenly became more attractive to him. The happier I was, the more time he spent hanging around me that night.

 

 

I feel used and abused today. I let him have me as a little toy and he got what he wanted and thats all until next time.

 

He even had the cheek to say that he feels guilty with how lucky he is to be able to have sex with me again. He said its a wonderful idea and he can't wait for next time. Why is it all about sex for some people????? What happened to the man who told me he loved and and that we didn't have sex, we made love. Clearly, we aren't making love anymore.

 

Do all men think from 'down there' and would all men accept sex on a plate even if they knew it was wrong?

[Anna86]

haha, thanks for that!! I guess I am being a little hard on myself. I do think it's better for me to have had sex with him rather that a stranger or someone I have no feelings for. Its just that I am worried as I do still have feelings for him (Believe me, I have tried everything to stop feeling for him). I am so frustrated that I actually like him. I would love to hate him or feel indifferent.

 

 

Its not the sex that is upsetting me, its how I feel today. If I had no feelings left for him I would think its fine. There are much worse things you can do.

 

However, Its like waiting for the day to arrive when he meets someone he really loves and would rather be with. Then I will be dropped like a hot potato. This is my major concern. I am putting myself out there to be broken all over again.

[Bluebelle38]

I completely disagree with sincereonlineguy... are you for real?

 

Sleeping with an ex that doesnt want a relationship is one of the most hurtful things we can do to ourselves. You are setting yourself up for a huge fall if you do that, OP. Whether you admit it or not, you are thinking if you keep the friendship going and keep sleeping with him he wont want to meet anyone else... WRONG!

 

He has crafted this well. making out he is there for you in a sexual way (oh, what a great, thoughtful guy ) Can you not see how he is getting the best of both worlds.

 

When he meets someone else - and he will - you will not be allowed to feel bad because he was honest about his intentions.

 

Stop saying how naive you are.... you are not stupid. You know 100% that sleeping with him is guaranteed hurt and yes, you will be dumped like a hot potato as soon as he meets someone else. That's a given.

[Anna86]

I know Bluebell.......I think sex with an ex if there are NO feelings involved is okay for some people. Its fine for him, in fact its wonderful for him. Its the most enthusiastic I have seen him about me since we broke up.

 

For me, its fine right now. But it won't last. I know that. I guess I will have to resist it. He plays the good guy card so well and knows all my buttons to press. I am not sure I love him still, but I do have feelings for him as it makes my blood boil thinking of him with someone else.

 

I feel I should just let him go out of my life. He has this fetish for Asian girls which developed during the time of our breakup (I guess its because we live in Asia) and I know 80percent of the reason we broke up this is why we broke up. I guess he wanted to experiment with them...when in Asia! He wants to thrill and chase of them. They boost his ego and make him feel like a King.

 

I think a lot of men who are shallow enough would quite enjoy this

 

I am his safe, predictable ex girlfriend from home who he loved until he decided he wanted more excitement from life. I should just let him go for it, and I know that he will get his heart broken as he is going for these girls based on their beauty alone. The girl he was 'seeing' after we broke up with can't speak English so I guess they didn't exactly bond on an emotional level!! She was pretty and obsessive with him (so I heard)........

 

Oh, one of his finest moments was telling me I should call him in 5 years time as things might work out then. Its so incredible how much **** a smart woman like me is accepting from him!! I am not thinking with my brain, but my heart which has the mentality of a 17year old

Edited March 14, 2011 by Anna86

[Bluebelle38]

Sorry, but he has some nerve doesn't. He Like you will be still waiting for him in 5 years time.

 

Honey, this is a no-win situation. He has made it perfectly clear what he wants to do. Let him do it, but let him go.

 

You don't need this ****. Let him have his fun and meaningless sex.

 

I really hope you cut all ties with him. This isn't about you, it's about what he wants to do. Sleeping with him is not going to change him. He is using you and he knows it.

 

You know it.

 

You are better than this. I for one would not want to be with someone I couldnt have a conversation with. He sounds like a kid in a candy store.

 

The longer you stay in this limbo, the longer you are going to feel rejected and the more of a battering your self esteem will take.

[Rose T]

I feel I should just let him go out of my life. He has this fetish for Asian girls which developed during the time of our breakup (I guess its because we live in Asia) and I know 80percent of the reason we broke up this is why we broke up. I guess he wanted to experiment with them...when in Asia! He wants to thrill and chase of them. They boost his ego and make him feel like a King.

 

I think a lot of men who are shallow enough would quite enjoy this

 

I am his safe, predictable ex girlfriend from home who he loved until he decided he wanted more excitement from life. I should just let him go for it, and I know that he will get his heart broken as he is going for these girls based on their beauty alone. The girl he was 'seeing' after we broke up with can't speak English so I guess they didn't exactly bond on an emotional level!! She was pretty and obsessive with him (so I heard)........

 

 

Hi Anna! We've shared experiences on your threads in the past - your ex sounds a lot like mine! They went from cute and inexperienced to cocky and selfish in pretty record time, huh?!

 

Thing is, your ex is not just immature, he's lacking in character. He thinks that external things count at the moment - an 'exotic' girl on his arm, his image, impressing the guys too I imagine. Your availability is feeding his ego too, this construction of what makes him important.

 

However much you think you can handle it, he doesn't deserve you. You should also stop thinking of yourself - even in jest - as the safe girlfriend from home. You are a smart, sensitive, generous, well-travelled and insightful person that he just lost! You should make him feel that loss by staying away. He can't handle a real woman right now - by which I mean you - so this is just going to spiral back into heartache and possibly anger on your end. Even if you still want to hook up with him, how about this: every night you waste with him, you're not spending meeting someone new, even just making new friends, or opening doors to a happier place.

 

LS can be boring because everyone endorses no contact and being sensible. Sadly there are moments in our life when self-discipline is the only way to truly free ourselves. It's not an oxymoron.

[Anna86]

Thank you rose and bluebell, your comments really really cheered me up. Rose, I have followed your posts so I really do see a lot in common with our stories. Also, your comments were really kind!! You seem like such a fantastic person and I hope u are doing better now

 

I am just so confused as to why women like us cling on to these idiots?? I know my ex isn't a rotten man inside but he is selfish and completely caught up in his own fantasy!!

 

Wow, what u said about the image is bang on. Just yesterday I commented on his new 'style' and he said it reflects the image he wants to give off. Haha, It is super pretentious and copied off a stupid indie band. He used to make fun of guys who dressed like that!! It makes me ill to look at it.

 

I know 100percent that I am wasting my time with him. He is too self obsessed to even want to share his life with anyone (apart from sex)......

 

How do I stop this RIGHT now....If I could, I would spend all the money I had to forget about him. Its honestly like I have cancer of the heart right now. Its killing me. I do feel stronger but I think about him in a positive way still, makes no sense as I know what he is like. God damn you love!!!

[Rose T]

I am just so confused as to why women like us cling on to these idiots?? I know my ex isn't a rotten man inside but he is selfish and completely caught up in his own fantasy!!

 

Wow, what u said about the image is bang on. Just yesterday I commented on his new 'style' and he said it reflects the image he wants to give off. Haha, It is super pretentious and copied off a stupid indie band. He used to make fun of guys who dressed like that!! It makes me ill to look at it.

 

I guess that you, like me, thought we were going for someone genuine at first when we fell in love with guys that weren't bothered about their image. I think I've realised that it was a 'false' maturity. My ex's year abroad suddenly opened his eyes to the fact that he was attractive to lots of women, not just me. His makeover (lol!) followed and I'm really confused now - he suddenly seems super-immature and selfish! It's like a different man! I guess that people do change, and for the worst.

 

Anna, I spend time on LS because it keeps my idle fingers busy!! If I wasn't here I'd risk poking around on Skype or even texting my ex. So I try to give advice I should be taking myself.

[Anna86]

So, your comments are so thoughtful and it is making it easier that other people have been in a similar situation (not that I wish it on anyone!)....

 

Anyway, just off the phone to him there and told him I feel like his toy and I don't want to be used! He said I am not his toy and that he would never abuse me. He told me he isn't looking for someone else but that he can't promise he won't meet someone. He said he could not promise anything. He also said that he would tell me if he met someone. I just asked him there if he is looking for other women that I don't want a part of this game. I do, because it is fun and I don't want a relationship but I miss intimacy.

 

I think my emotions are all over the place. I just looked at pictures of us together and we look so happy and it broke my heart. He really respected me and loved me and now he doesn't.

 

I am trying to tear myself away from him............I can't tell my family or some friends about this as they will be so unhappy with me.

[flow15]

Hun, you need to cut your ex off. He is using you and its not fair on you!

 

My ex did the same thing the first time he broke up with me, he would use me for sex but tell me maybe one day we'll be together but now I can't be in a relationship. As much as I enjoyed being close to him all it did was hurt me more and more..

 

You really need to go NC and cut him out of your life so you can move on from him and be with someone who RESPECTS you.

Our ex's are pigs and they obviously love the attention they get from other women, they love themselves and are selfish and don't deserve us one little bit.

[Anna86]

Thank you flow, you are right. They are pigs. He denies that he is using me but I see no other word for it. I just emailed him telling him that I can't do this. I can't be his casual buddy as I am not that kind of girl. Its hard as sex is wonderful while it lasts. But going home alone, waking up alone, knowing you can't call him is the hardest part. and it is for these reasons that I cant just have sex with him. I want to!! But I am sure I will end up broken.

 

Looking at our photos makes me feel sick inside as I loved him so much and trusted him. The sex was better after break up which I find weird, I have no idea why on earth it does, it really shouldn't. I am just so confused and I feel I am unable to control my emotions anymore.

 

I will try do NC with him but I lack major discipline, something makes me txt or call him before my brain can process it. Again, I never learn!! You would never believe it but I have a good job, great social life and lots of friends. So why do I feel the need to punish myself and put myself in disgusting situations.......

[flow15]

Don't look at photos! Keep them in a hidden folder on your pc so you can't look at them, or store them away in a box, you are literally torturing yourself! You will never get over this if you continue to sleep with him, or look at photos, or text him/call him. You need to go NC its tough at first, but trust me it gets a lot easier. Delete his number or save it under 'Don't answer/Don't call', so that you wont answer if he calls and so you're not tempted to call.

Just focus on the fact that he is a pig, that he used you and hurt you, it will help you to focus on moving on.

[Bluebelle38]

I thought it was quite obvious what I meant onlinesincereguy. I didn't think I needed to spell out the blatantly obvious.

 

You told Anna there was nothing wrong with sleeping with an ex as she felt comfortable with him etc etc.

 

Absolutely short-sighted in the extreme. I mean, the girl is heartbroken and still in love with the guy. He has effectively told her he wants to go and pursue other opportunities but keep her as a back-up for when he is having a dry spell.

 

Anna, I think you have taken on board what everyone else has said and I hope so.

 

Yes, your ex is a juvenile, self-serving immature little boy.

 

You will do so much better

 

Best of luck.

[Anna86]

Thank you guys, thank you bluebell!!! I know what u mean sincere guy, and it is fine to have sex with an ex if it is just a once off and there are no more feelings....but, in my case there are. I tried sohard to hide them as I want this to work.

 

I sent him an email telling him that I deserve better than this and that I just can't put myself through it when he decides he has had his fun with me.

 

Of course, he has not replied yet. I just don't think he could respond to something that deserves an honest and mature answer.

 

I am ashamed to say it, but if he asked to meet up later, I would. WTF is wrong with me? I can't admit this to anyone I know as they will just tell me how awful it would be for me and convince me otherwise.

 

I would love to know the biological and psychological reasons for why I am still even thinking about him?? Surely, it would be easy to understand when its time to just move on and stop thinking of someone like this. Why do humans cling on to relationships when they know that there is nothing left anymore..........

[Rose T]

Why do humans cling on to relationships when they know that there is nothing left anymore..........

 

Oh Anna, I wish I knew this. I logically don't want anything to do with my ex, yet I'm dying to contact him today. I'm really taking it hour by hour, fighting the urge to get in touch. It makes no sense at all to me. Am I just trying to fill a gap? I know it will bring no good. I know it won't improve my future. I know all of this. But the moment is hard to deal with. You're not alone.

[depplover_1980]

This thread made me smile through and through and Anna you have a very similar adulation towards your ex that I have towards mine. But from reading through I am much better at seperating myself from my feelings and getting on with my life without being stuck - perhaps it is because i'm a little older.

 

You strike me as a strong confident woman, who probably struggles to meet guys that stimulate you - therefore he is a bit of an addiction and he has made himself the biggest of challenges. It is not just men that like the chase, I am massive on the chase and breaking down my prey and there is an element of it here. If you could just casually hang with him it may well turn out well, but it is a big risk that would require some steely willpower and seems you're struggling on that front already I would say avoid him and to take the good advice already offered.

 

But you want to discuss the other elements, I'm your girl.

[depplover_1980]

Oh Anna, I wish I knew this. I logically don't want anything to do with my ex, yet I'm dying to contact him today. I'm really taking it hour by hour, fighting the urge to get in touch. It makes no sense at all to me. Am I just trying to fill a gap? I know it will bring no good. I know it won't improve my future. I know all of this. But the moment is hard to deal with. You're not alone.

 

The challenge Rose T, the challenge.

[Rose T]

The challenge Rose T, the challenge.

 

 

It's sooo boring!! I mean, seriously... I'm practically having to sellotape my fingers together here not to do something stupid. Doesn't make typing on LS very easy LOL!

 

I really need a hot new guy now.

[depplover_1980]

It's sooo boring!! I mean, seriously... I'm practically having to sellotape my fingers together here not to do something stupid. Doesn't make typing on LS very easy LOL!

 

I really need a hot new guy now.

 

Rose until I find a hotter guy than Mr Commitment Phobe I am not going to stop wanting him naked. But I have the added struggle he is going to have to be more intelligent too which makes it doubly hard.

[Beeotch]

I have posted here a few times about my breakup! Basically, my ex broke up with me 2 months ago. He told me he wants to be single again and be independent. I admit, our relationship was a bit intense as neither of us got much space so I actually think the break up was a good thing as I need time to myself.

 

Anyway, I have decided to remain friends with him. Not sure if it is a good idea. He has denied the fact that he was seeing another girl even though I have found out that something was going on between them. I told him MANY times that he just needs to come clean and admit it as we can be friends and I just want the truth. I still haven't got it.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we started hanging out this weekend. I went to his house to collect things. He kissed me and we made out. I just fell for it. I guess I was surprised as I NEVER saw it happening. I convinced myself never to give him the satisfaction of my body again and some crazy person took over my body. I have no idea why I enjoyed it!! I feel a little sick with myself:(. Anyway, he said that we should do it again and anytime I felt 'lonely' to call him and he would call over. He calls me and emails me quite often and since we slept together he has contacted me. However, not once has he said he loves me and wants to get back. I don't want a FWB thing, but at the same time I miss intimacy and it made me feel good. I know, I am an idiot and will probably live to regret it.

 

I find it hard to hate him, as even my friends don't think he done anything wrong during our break up and after our break up. So they tell me I have no right to hate him and to hold a gridge.

 

I know how this looks, and if I read this I would think I am crazy and a sucker for a fool. I just missed intimacy and I missed him. I guess a huge part of me did it to show him what he is missing. I done things I never ever done during our relationship and he was quite surprised. I told him that it meant nothing. I said I was over him and just done it because I felt like it. I wanted to do it to him, act like the better person and then walk away. That is my plan now. I plan on never giving him my body again and he doesn't know this. I want to make him think he has a chance and then reject him. Maybe it is some crazy revenge tactic or I am really not over him even though I convince myself daily that I am.

 

Am I being an idiot? Am I setting myself up for a huge fall!! I need advice!! I know I am naive and clearly I think too highly of him. So nobody needs to convince me of that. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

 

You've answered your own question...

 

Truth is WE know the truth ourselves more than any stranger does...sometimes we just choose to ignore it or contrive what we wish it were instead of admitting it. We're all guilty and when it comes to the heart we especially love to do this.

 

Having sex with an ex...one of the worst most torturous experiences. I would occasionally have sex with my ex about 2 months post break up and it tore me apart after the act was done. I wanted intimacy (which is NOT sex). I wanted him to kiss me, hold me, touch me, I wanted his LOVE and for it to be affectionate like when we were together (pretty much that's what you're saying too) and I wrongfully took his peniis instead deluding myself that it was intimacy. Then like you, when it is done and over, he rolls over and I realize NOTHING has changed...we aren't getting back together, he isn't saying he loves me...I felt used, abused, disgusted and hurt. I promptly stopped degrading myself and decided not to have sex with him anymore as it was not "just sex" and it was hurting me and building up false hope.

 

What you're doing is common...very common. But your own feelings are telling you the truth that it is ultimately destructive and not gonna give you what you want...so you should stop and not succumb to that temptation as when the fog clears or as time goes by you will feel more and more like crap for it versus the temporary delusion that it is something else.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Beeotch

[paiger]

You mentioned something about "if my ex called right now to meet up, I would." I know that feeling... that immense feeling of temptation? That feeling where you without a doubt KNOW it's wrong but you can't seem to say no. Agh, terrible. The crazy things love makes us do. You also mentioned something about "why would he let me be his sex toy" blah blah. Girl, let me be completely brutally honest with you. You yourself have downgraded your worth by letting him sleep with you. You are showing him that you really don't care much about yourself and it shows him weakness in character; thus him looking at you at a lower standard. Don't get me wrong, he IS a jackass for even wanting to play you like a sex puppet but... a part of it also is you letting him.

 

Anna, honestly everyone here will tell you what you already know deep down. The thing is, sometimes you do have to make the mistake to know. i just hope it doesn't take you a trillion mistakes to finally realize your self worth But one day you will, and just remind yourself if that's the kind of girl you want your ex to look at you as.